Chapter Text
Loki disappeared from the rooftop with a flash of blinding green, having spent all of ten lousy seconds explaining his latest nefarious plan. Unlike some of their lesser enemies, Loki was smart—occasionally—and he knew better than to stay behind and wax poetic about his misdeeds.
Fortunately, it was rare for their run-ins with Loki to leave behind any real destruction these days, but even a ‘reformed’ Loki not hellbent on world domination still had a natural talent for being a vexing, frustrating, cocky little shit and unfortunately, the damage done was usually to someone’s ego and pride.
Tony’s mostly.
Make one joke about a guy’s dick and he spends the rest of eternity acting like one.
Tony muttered a string of expletives under his breath to go with the thought, but with the trickster long gone, the effort was futile.
He looked around at the others, all clad in their uniforms—mostly, with Steve missing his cowl and Clint still wearing pajama pants and Thor’s hair a bird’s nest, but at this point, they treated all Loki-related alarms as additional training, so proper decorum was optional.
No one seemed too concerned with Tony’s current predicament either, but he could see some of his own mix of annoyance and exasperation reflected in their expressions.
Thor, however, was beaming. “I truly think my brother has finally abandoned the rest of his evil ways.”
Tony eyed Thor with no small amount of doubt and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of spite. Thor was a giant teddy bear at heart, sure, but Tony wouldn’t put it past him to enjoy someone else being the target of Loki’s pranks for once—and of course, Tony was Loki’s favorite.
Tony was still convinced this was revenge for the dick joke, but Sam thought Loki picked on whoever had the most amusing reaction, Clint insisted Loki just had a big old crush, and Steve wondered whether snark just attracted more snark like a magnet.
“Really, Point Break? This—” Tony gestured between the few measly inches of space between him and Thor first, then pointed to the honest-to-god mistletoe hovering right about them. “This counts as ‘abandoning his evil ways’?”
Thor shrugged and the cheerful smile didn’t budge an inch. “He isn’t stabbing anyone. I count that as progress.”
Tony’s whole face scrunched up. “Talk about low expectations. And okay, sure, this is one of Rudolph’s less… harmful pranks, but it is no less annoying.” Tony tried to back away from Thor, hoping the first time was a fluke and the magic would let up now, but he was given roughly three more inches of space before his back hit an invisible wall.
An ominous, enchanted sprig of mistletoe that hung autonomously in the air and kept Tony stuck to whoever got too close until—according to a cackling, self-satisfied Loki—they shared a kiss, had never been on any list, in any capacity, ever, of the evil forces Tony would have to battle, but here he was.
And sure, it was better than terrorists and alien invasions and fire-breathing douchebags—far, far better—but come on… Tony was way too old for this crap.
Tony knew he was scowling, arms crossed, foot tapping impatiently, the perfect picture of displeasure, and finally Thor had the good graces to look apologetic.
“Tony, as always, I do apologize for my brother’s… lackluster interpretation of fun, but it would be to our discredit if we didn’t make the best of this situation. So, my friend, are you willing to give it a try?”
Any trace of apology disappeared when Thor tapped his own cheek with his big pointer finger, eyes shining with mischief, and that right there, that was why Tony didn’t doubt for a second that Loki and Thor were brothers.
Tony looked at the others again—and yup, how nice, they’ve all traded post-battle grimaces for amusement now. Probably the high of adrenaline having nowhere to go but into giddiness over a kiss. Bunch of schoolchildren, really.
Natasha was five seconds away from giggling and even Steve was fighting back a smile. Sam looked ready to pull out the popcorn and Clint was already waggling his eyebrows and grinning. Tony flipped him the bird.
Alright, he could deal with this. He just needed to focus on the positives. Having to kiss his gorgeous teammates wasn’t exactly a burden, not when Tony’s needy, touch-starved self already wanted to do that on a daily basis.
His mood brightened. Obviously, this wasn’t such a big deal, neither to Tony nor to anyone else and—
And his eyes landed on Bucky and his joy withered right back down and died, like some sad, little flower. The super soldier was the exact opposite of amused and while his neutral expression usually bordered on resting assassin face anyways—the sort that made weaker-willed men shake in their boots, but Tony just found disarmingly sexy—this wasn’t just a resting murder face, no, this was an outright murder scowl.
In Tony’s direction.
Oh.
Oh no.
Tony’s stomach sank straight through the floor. What a painful reminder that his ridiculous crush on the handsome, sweet, not-so-secretly nerdy super soldier was so ill-advised, so badly timed, and so very much unwanted.
Sure, they forged a great friendship, growing closer the more time Bucky spent living with team—reclaiming his identity, healing, turning sweeter and more charming by the day—but Bucky had been distant lately, coming down to the workshop less and less, always picking the seat furthest from Tony, darting out of the room whenever Tony entered, and now apparently Tony’s mere presence prompted a scowl usually reserved for someone about to get a metal fist to the face.
Tony fought back a sigh, shoved the thoughts of his crush back—way back—and focused on Thor before his pause became too awkward to wave away.
“I guess it’s lucky I got stuck with you then, big guy,” Tony drawled, sticking to his ‘flirty billionaire’ routine. Some masks were easier to wear than others, and at least this one had the benefit of Thor’s smile brightening up. He drew Tony in a little closer with a big, warm hand on Tony’s waist and hey, that wasn’t so bad either.
It just wasn’t the hand of the broody super soldier with thighs of a god and the blue, bedroom eyes of a super model who was—yup, still glowering, somehow even scarier than before, and Tony’s heart shriveled up all over again.
“Alright, alright, get over here.” Tony focused on Thor, no need to make the big lug feel bad, it wasn’t his fault Tony messed things up with Bucky somehow.
Tony stood up on his toes—damn these gorgeous, tall people living in his house and eating his food—and smacked a loud kiss on Thor’s scruffy cheek.
With a trill of a small bell, the mistletoe above them went poof and disappeared and when Tony took a step back, Thor did the same, and their movements were unrestricted now, no longer trapped by some magical, cosmic powers.
“Alright, so Blitzen wasn’t lying then.”
The others approached them now, although everyone stood far enough from Tony not to trigger the mistletoe, and Tony noted that Bucky kept back even further.
He had to work really hard not to pout.
“What’s Loki’s angle here though?” Natasha wondered aloud. “Making us kiss Tony every time we accidentally bump into him? That’s…”
“Standard Loki nonsense.”
“Tony’s lucky day, obviously.”
“No great burden, surely.”
“Not a burden, no, but it is a bit inconvenient.”
She snorted at the chorus of replies. “Well, whatever it is, let’s just hope there isn’t a follow-up.”
“I feel like Blitzen wouldn’t run away before rubbing our faces in Part Two, if there was one. He’s not exactly subtle. I really think he just hates me that much—either that or he’s been binge watching Christmas movies and decided this is how we celebrate the season.”
“Here’s the problem though,” Sam chimed in, “Loki isn’t the only villain out there and if someone else gets wind of this…”
“This could put us at risk, yes.” Steve crossed his arms and hummed. “You and Tony are our aerial support, so Tony would be relatively isolated up in the air, but there’s always a chance he’ll be needed on the ground.”
“I guess every lift is going to cost you a kiss now, Legolas.” Tony grinned at Clint, who blew him a kiss in return. “Let’s just hope everything stays quiet for a few days then.”
“And if it doesn’t, we can always call in Jim. It’d be good to see him for the holidays,” Sam added and Tony nodded right along. Holidays without his Platypus were a travesty.
“My friends, I am certain my brother would not allow us to come to harm if there was a true battle. He would lift the spell.”
When the others gave Thor skeptical looks, Tony felt the need to step in. “I hate to admit it, but Thor does have a point. Loki loves to give us a hard time, but he’s also a possessive weirdo about it. Remember a few months ago when Doom had me cornered and my suit was down and you lot couldn’t get me out in time? Remember when Loki showed up out of nowhere? Yeah, I don’t think Doom wants to crawl out of his precious Latveria any time soon, not after what Loki did to him.”
“Didn’t Loki curse you right after though?” Clint asked. “What was it again?”
“I couldn’t speak English for a week,” Tony replied, then shrugged. “That one wasn’t so bad, actually.”
In fact, Tony genuinely enjoyed that little prank, content to flex his foreign language muscles with the rest of the polyglots in the house. The worst part, really, was the weird ways Bucky looked at him whenever Tony was babbling in Italian with JARVIS or flirting in French with Nat. There was even a rumor going around that Bucky shattered a glass in his metal hand after a barely coherent Tony dragged himself into the kitchen, murmured at Thor in sleepy Russian to be a dear and get the coffee brewing, and then shuffled back out, muttering equations.
Tony felt guilty about that for days, knowing that he upset Bucky—talking in Russian? Really? What had he been thinking?—but when he confessed his guilt to Nat during one of their spa-and-pamper sessions, all she did was give him a funny look. The kind that seemed mostly fond, but also made it clear she thought he was an idiot.
When he pressed her, she said that he didn’t upset anyone and that Bucky wasn’t angry and that he just had to trust her, but Tony still worried. It didn’t seem to matter what he did or didn’t do these days. Bucky had been staying away, obviously uncomfortable, and for the life of him, Tony couldn’t figure out what he did wrong.
He wanted to fix things. He missed their time together. The quiet sessions in the workshop where Tony would meticulously clean the cybernetic arm and lovingly check every part to make sure nothing was hurting Bucky. In turn, Bucky would smile at him, soft and unguarded, laugh at his dumb jokes, tell him about his day, ask questions about Tony’s projects and let him ramble to his heart’s content.
It was always so simple and sweet, no pretenses, no need to put on a show, and Tony missed it all dearly.
Despite Natasha’s reassurances, he was doing this all wrong. Instead of Bucky’s soft, shy smiles, he was getting unhappy scowls, instead of their late-night conversations and falling asleep on each other during movie nights and too-early breakfasts, Tony was getting awkward greetings and hasty avoidance, and with each murderous glare, Tony’s chances to be with this gorgeous, brilliant, wonderful man were plummeting lower and lower.
Honestly, he’d give up on the crush altogether if it meant getting Bucky’s friendship back.
When his eyes, as if pulled by a magnetic force, were drawn to Bucky again—he was always drawn to Bucky and Tony kept telling himself it was just because Bucky was so damn handsome—there was still a tightness to Bucky’s lips, but at least the scowl was gone.
“Alright, we need to figure out the parameters of this… inconvenience.” Steve’s mouth said ‘inconvenience’, but his expression said ‘pain in the ass’ and Tony agreed. “We need to know how close we have to be for the curse to kick in. Thor, can you, uh, step closer to Tony again? If you don’t mind? Slowly this time, so we know when it triggers.”
“It would be my pleasure, Captain.”
Thor approached under Steve’s command and everyone watched him take measured steps until he passed some invisible threshold and poof—the mistletoe appeared above their heads, leaving roughly a foot or two of space between them.
“Okay, that is pretty inconvenient,” Steve lamented as he scratched the back of his head. “Tony can’t just avoid everyone until the spell is lifted.”
Thor was a solid wall of muscle and warmth next to Tony and this time he was the one to lean in to give Tony a peck on the cheek.
Poof again. No more mistletoe.
Tony rolled his eyes fondly. “You can’t get enough of me, can you, big guy?”
“I have no idea what you mean. This is purely research, my friend.”
Tony chuckled, always put in a better mood by Thor’s genial attitude and not-so-subtle, but entirely platonic flirting, but he caught sight of Bucky again in the background, standing just behind Steve and oh—the scowl was back.
Tony’s good mood evaporated as quickly as it had come. Hastily, he drew his eyes away, only for them to land on Natasha, which wasn’t a safe place either because the judgmental arch of her brow spoke volumes. Granted, Tony had never been great at silent conversations, so he didn’t know what the brow was trying to say and when he shrugged helplessly, Natasha shook her head and gave him that look again and how was Tony supposed to know what all of that meant?
He had to make an educated guess here, so he decided the look probably meant ‘quit staring at the guy who looks like he wants to stab you and who could break you in two with his pinky finger’.
“You’ll have to stay inside the Tower until the spell is lifted,” Steve interrupted Tony’s internal lamenting. “The streets of New York aren’t exactly known for their elbow room and I’d rather not have to deal with the press or any opportunistic villains du jour. Given Loki’s surprising amount of patience, this could last us all the way through the winter, but I’m hoping we can find a solution sooner than that.”
Tony just waved away both the concern and the apologetic look.
“Don’t worry about it. Gives me an excuse to stay in the workshop and tinker for the rest of the holidays—my only request is that you get to be the one to tell Pep I’m not showing up for any of the press conferences or galas.”
Steve snorted and shook his head, but he was terrible at hiding his own fondness for Tony’s antics (Tony grew on these people like a fungus and he reveled in that fact every day). “Why am I not surprised you’re taking this so well? If I didn’t know better, I’d say you and Loki were in cahoots.”
“Cap, please. If me and Blitzen ever teamed up,” Tony teased right back, “you’d know. I’m just a ‘go with the flow’ kinda guy. I get cursed with enchanted mistletoe? No problem. Either I get some peace and quiet or I get to kiss all of you gorgeous people. That’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned.”
“You may bump into me at your every convenience then,” Thor said, that spark of playfulness still in his eyes, and Tony wanted to tease him back, but he lost all the words when a frankly terrifying growl reverberated through the air just before they all turned to watch the Winter Soldier stalk back to the Quinjet.
At least Tony assumed everyone else was watching Bucky. He was too busy squirming with guilt to pay attention to anyone else. Here he was, blatantly flaunting the fact he could trap his teammates and force them to kiss him without their say-so at any moment, treating everything like a joke.
Oh, he was the absolute worst, wasn’t he?
“I’m just, uh, just gonna get into my suit right over here and—fly back. You know, science never sleeps an’ all, gotta get back to work, stay out of the way, not force people to, uh, to do things.” Without turning to look at anyone else, Tony activated the suit, wrapped himself in gold titanium alloy and made a hasty escape.
The Avengers watched Tony fly off until he turned into a tiny dot on the horizon and disappeared.
“Wow, that had to be one of Tony’s most embarrassing exits, right?” Clint squinted against the sunlight. “Top five at least.”
Sam looked over his shoulder at the Quinjet again. “Cap, can you go deal with your best friend, please? He’s being a dumbass and there’s a lot of fragile tech in there.”
Steve sighed and fiddled with the straps of his shield. “Nope, it’s Saturday. On the weekends, he’s your best friend. You go deal with him. I’m—not getting involved.”
“Hey, no,” Clint turned around to jab a finger at Steve. “You’re our fearless leader, you have to get involved. Those two are driving everyone up the wall! I don’t know how much more of this I can take!”
Thor nodded, his expression morose. “I fear even my attempts to make friend Bucky jealous did not work. How could he not be jealous?”
“Oh, he’s jealous alright,” Natasha corrected. “That little growl of his says as much, but you all have to remember who you’re dealing with. Those two are brilliant, sure, but they’re also the two biggest idiots we know.”
“Yup. Take Bucky over there.” Sam hooked his thumb over his shoulder. “He’s probably in there vowing to never love again—while simultaneously planning Tony’s and Thor’s wedding, down to the damn flower arrangements because he’d throw himself on a damn grenade if it made Tony happy.”
“Yup. And Tony, well, he’s even worse,” Natasha continued. “He sees one single frown and thinks Bucky hates him because any time Tony sees a hint of negativity, he automatically assumes he’s responsible for it.”
“That’s ridiculous though and—and—entirely in character, yeah.” Steve deflated and decided he probably should get involved. “If only those two could just talk to each other…”
At least three different Avengers snorted simultaneously.
“Talk? To each other?”
“Pfft, not in this economy.”
“Not in this universe.”
Steve sighed. “Right, right, wouldn’t want to make things easy—and now we have this damn spell too. So, what do we do? How do we fix this?”
“Well, the spell doesn’t have to be a problem,” Clint said. “Maybe Thor here has the right idea. What if we all try to make Bucky Boo jealous?”
Natasha didn’t seem that impressed. “Admit it, you just want an excuse to kiss Tony.”
“Don’t pretend like you don’t,” Clint countered and she shrugged, but didn’t deny it.
Steve hummed, tapping his fingers against his chin. “You know, Bucky does have a bit of a possessive streak. Nothing serious of course, he’d never hurt anyone, but as we all saw, he does get a little… growly. Maybe he just needs that extra push in the right direction, something to show him he shouldn’t wait around to ask Tony out.”
“I still can’t believe his immediate reaction to realizing he’s in love is not to jump Tony’s bones right then and there.” Clint clicked his tongue. “I’m telling you guys, romance is dead. No worries though. I’m gonna kiss Tony so good under that mistletoe, Barnes will have no choice but to do something about it.”
“Wait, wait, wait, hold up.” Sam waved his hands frantically. “This is your brilliant plan? Kiss Stark under the magical mistletoe until Barnes gets so jealous, he gets over his own stupidity and carries Stark off into the sunset— after he punches one of you for daring to touch his precious engineer?” When no one denied said plan, Sam shook his head. “No, nope. I’m not doing this. I’m calling Jim. I need reinforcements, someone with a braincell that’s not too busy recreating its favorite rom-com.”
“Well, I happen to think it is a fantastic plan,” Thor declared, “as it will allow me to both shower Tony with affection and help two lovers find their way towards one another. There is no nobler cause during these holy days.” He cleared his throat and his big grin dimmed. “But I shall also attempt to find my brother nonetheless. In case something goes terribly wrong.”
Steve sighed again. “It always does, doesn’t it?”
There were nods all around and Sam already had his phone pressed to his ear before they ever made it back to the jet.