Chapter Text
“You don’t understand what I have been though, You don’t understand what I have lost. Because it’s everything, everyone that I love–Trevor, my grandmother, Harvey, now probably this job. I am not ready to lose you. Not today.”
Mike remembered it like it had been yesterday. How lost and desperate he had been that night he’d told Rachel his big, bad secret. When they kissed, he remembered feeling like she was the lifeline bringing him back to existence. Now everything was different.
Rachel. The woman he had asked to move in with him, the one he had been sure he would spend the rest of his life with had cheated on him with Logan Sanders. It wasn’t the first time Mike’s life had changed in the matter of a moment, but it didn’t mean that he was any more prepared the devastation he had felt when she had told him.
He’d lost a lot. Trevor, his best friend was still gone and he would probably never see him again. His grandmother, the woman who had raised him and who had nurtured everything good in him had passed away. He’d lost his job too. It was only because of some small miracle created by no other than Louis Litt, that he was able to get that back. Who knew how long that would last though, it wasn’t like Jessica Pearson wanted him there.
Just as he hadn’t been ready that night, he still wasn’t ready to lose Rachel. He still loved her so much that it hurt in his chest and deep down into his bones to think about it. She told him that he needed to figure out if he loved her more than he hated what she had done. Mike knew that he did. Of course he loved her more than that, but he also knew that it wasn’t about that anymore. Love couldn’t fix everything, it was about trust. Deep inside he knew that they both had too many issues to fix before they could even stand a chance of being together.
Looking back at his rant about how he had lost everything he cared about, there was only once face that popped into his head. Harvey’s. Harvey had never left him, even after he had quit and everything had gone to shit between them, Harvey was still right there whenever he needed him. He’d been by his side when Rachel had been in the hospital, he’d been right there when Mike had showed up at his door after he’d gotten the news from Rachel.
So after he’d gone to Rachel’s office to tell her it was over for good and he wasn’t coming back home, and he felt like falling apart, Harvey had been the one to find him outside of the building. He’d clasped a hand on his shoulder, knowing at once what had happened.
“Let’s go home.” He’d said.
“Yeah, I should get back to the hotel.” Mike said, even though he had no idea how he would get through the night. They still had the whole Louis issue to worry about too, there was no way he’d be able to go to sleep.
“We’re getting your things, you’re staying with me.” Harvey said “At least until you get things figured out.”
Mike really couldn't argue with that, he was a grown man and he should be able to take care of himself after a break up. But for the same reason that he’d gone to Harvey’s office that morning because he had no idea where else he should go, he just nodded.
“Thanks, Harvey.”
Maybe he hadn’t lost everything after all.
They only made a quick stop at the hotel where Mike got his things and checked out, Harvey asked if he needed anything from the apartment, but Mike wasn’t ready to go back there yet, even though he was pretty sure Rachel was staying with Donna. Harvey told him he was sorry, before he started rambling on about what Louis might have done that could compromise them. Mike was grateful for the distraction, but he could hardly hear what the other man was staying, too caught up in his own thoughts.
He wasn’t sure if it had been fair to Rachel to end it like that, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he was also to blame in this. But that might just be the reason why they should be apart too, at least for a while. It was times like these he wished he could talk to his mother, or grandmother. They had also had way better insight than him.
“You want something to eat?” Harvey asked once they entered his apartment. Mike was always amazed at how tidy and clean every time he was there. He shook his head, he felt nauseous.
He sat down at the counter as he watched Harvey fetch them some drinks. “What are we going to do?”
Harvey sighed, and turned his head to look at Mike. “I have no idea, but we’ll figure something out.”
“We always do, right?” Mike asked and Harvey offered him a comforting smile as he handed him a glass of scotch.
“Right.” Harvey replied. Mike wasn’t sure how he had gotten where he was. He tried telling himself that he only became a fraud to support his grandmother, but he also knew that when she had passed away, he could have just quit. He could have moved away to start all over again, but he hadn’t.
“I never really felt like I belonged anywhere, you know.” Mike said, and Harvey walked around the other side of the counter and leaned against the refrigerator so he could focus on Mike. “Until I got this job… Until you gave me this job.”
“You’re a damn good lawyer, Mike.” Harvey said, and Mike really appreciated these moments, where Harvey was acting genuinely nice and supportive. He knew that Harvey was his friend, and that he showed him that almost every single day, it just wasn’t always that easy to see it and appreciate it.
Mike cocked his head to the side in a manner showing he didn’t really believe him. “I was supposed to be different and actually help real people, look at me now.”
“You’re just tired, Mike.” Harvey said “You’ve been through a lot these last couple of days, you just need some time.”
Mike knew that Harvey was right and that he was overthinking things, but he also wanted Harvey to reassure him that he was still a good man even though he wasn’t sure he believed it himself anymore. “What if Louis-“
“Let’s not talk about that right now.” Harvey said “Try to get some sleep, I know I need some.” He said before he put his glass down and went around the counter again, squeezing Mike’s shoulder as he walked past him.
He couldn’t not think about it though. He lied awake staring at the ceiling wondering if Rachel was also awake. He remembered Rachel’s face when she’d come to his apartment and seen Tess there. He thought about what would happen if Louis got caught for whatever it was he had done, how would he feel then? When the man who had practically saved his life went away to prison, knowing that he should be in the cell next to him. He thought about his parents, his grandmother and Trevor.
He didn’t know when, but eventually he fell asleep with barely a coherent thought in his head.
When his alarm went off the next morning, he groaned and rolled over to turn it off. It felt like he’d only slept for a few minutes and he already had a headache. As everything that had happened the night before came rushing back, he felt himself not wanting to leave bed.
Mike rolled over on his stomach again and sighed into his pillow. He had almost fallen back asleep when he heard a knock on the door. He grumbled and sat up before calling out “Come in!”
Harvey slowly opened the door and took in the state of Mike, a small smile on his lips. Mike was fully aware of how he looked in the morning, his hair sticking out in every direction and his eyes barely able to stay open before his second cup of his coffee.
“Are you going to work today?” Harvey asked, and Mike was actually surprised by the question. He’d only been back one day and by the looks of it, things were as per usual, going to shit. He really didn’t think he’d have a choice in the matter.
“Of course.” He answered, raising an eyebrow.
“Just saying, if all you’re going to do is mope in your office, you might as well stay home.” Harvey said, and Mike had to snicker. That was the Harvey he knew and admired. His expression turned serious then “I don’t think we can afford any mistakes today, Mike.”
“I know.” Mike answered “Don’t worry.”
“Come on, I made breakfast.”
Harvey always carried himself with a certain graze, he looked like viper ready to attack at any moment. This was the case no matter what might be going on in his personal life. Mike wish he could carry himself the same way. He had a way of letting everything show on the outside of his skin. He remembered how he’d acted after he lost his grandmother, how he’d yelled at Harvey in the middle of the bullpen. He wasn’t going to do that now, he had to remind himself that Rachel was still alive and well, and that someday they might get through this, together or not.
Rachel was talking to Donna at her desk when the two of them arrived for work, at first it looked like she was about to run away, but then she steadied herself and met them halfway.
“The file you wanted proofread.” Rachel said, handing Harvey a blue folder. “I also added in a few suggestions.”
“On paper?”
“Post-its.” She answered “Let me know if you want me to add them into the final draft or not.”
“Thank you.” Harvey said, he was so damn professional, and Mike had no idea how to act or where to look. “You have a class later, right?”
“Yes.” She answered “So if there’s anything else I need to do today, could you let me know before noon?”
Harvey nodded once “Good job.” He said and held up the file, before he breezed past her. He gave one nod and glance to Donna before he went into his office, Mike hot on his tail.
“You looked like a teenage boy in a strip club.” Donna said as she followed them, Mike just groaned and turned around. “You couldn’t even look at her, I’ve never seen anyone so awkward before.”
“I’m trying, okay?” Mike asked “Right now I just want to focus on my job.”
“As we all should.” Harvey said from where he was sitting behind his desk. “Have you heard from Louis?”
Donna shook her head, and looked from Harvey to Mike “How bad do you think it is?”
Mike shrugged his shoulders and let out a breath “I have no idea, but I don’t think it’s looking very good.”
As usual, Mike was right. It was not very good, in fact, it was terrible. Louis had really screwed up, with Forstman, with everything. Harvey was pissed when he came back from his meeting with Jessica and Louis.
He’d told Mike and Donna everything, first thing. Mike was upset as well, they were finally off the hook, but now everything was going to shit again. He couldn’t shake the feeling he’d had for the last couple of days though, and it was only more clear that it wasn’t just a feeling he’d been having, when Donna pointed out the same thing.
“You jeopardized us all too.” Donna said “The day you hired Mike.”
She looked straight at Harvey, not even glancing at Mike. There was no way he was going to protest though, he knew he had nothing to say because it was all true.
“I wouldn’t even be back here if it wasn’t for him.” Mike said, and it kind of felt like he was taking Louis’ side over Harvey’s, but he was just trying to be fair for once as he tried to remember what he had said to Harvey when he’d first started working there, about wanting to help the people that couldn’t help themselves.
Harvey gritted his teeth and shook his head, and Mike knew he was feeling torn between his loyalty to Jessica and to the firm as name partner, and what would be the right thing to do.
“I have to go.” Was all he said, and when Donna asked him where he was going he just said ‘to try to fix this.’
Mike wasn’t sure what he had meant, but he knew they all needed a plan in case Harvey couldn’t fix it so that was what he was going to focus on. He’d always worked well under pressure anyway. He gave Donna a comforting nod before hurrying off to the library, when he noticed Rachel by the elevator he pretended he actually did need to ask Katrina for something and that it wasn’t just too avoid her.