Chapter Text
‘Daddy, you have to try this! Jisung made the bestest coffee in the world!’
Mark looked up from Jinyoung’s novel. His son smiled brightly at him, holding out a toy teacup. It was cute to see how the four-year-old used paper and clothes pegs to make a half apron. He even drew a pocket for better imitation. Jisung’s creativity never ceased to amaze his father.
‘Wow, it smells really nice,’ Mark pretended to sniff the air.
‘Be careful, Daddy,’ Jisung balanced the teacup with extreme caution, ‘this is very very very hot, but very very very yummy.’
‘Thank you,’ Mark took an imaginary sip and gasped dramatically, ‘oh my gosh! This is the best coffee I’ve ever had!’
‘Better than Jackson-hyung’s cheese ramen?’
‘Yes.’
‘Better than Gyeomie-hyung’s choco cake?’
‘Yes.’
‘Better than Bammie-hyung’s Pad Thai?’
Jisung’s out-of-the-box comparison was too endearing. Mark picked up his boy and swirled him in the air, ‘my baby is the best!’
The little barista laughed loudly as it was one of his favourite activities. He loved it when his father spun him. He loved it when his father tickled him. He loved it when his father kissed his forehead. He loved it when his father sang him a lullaby. Tuan Jisung simply loved his only parent.
Taking me to you. Take me to you, take me, oh take me to you.
Mark returned Jisung to his cafe before hurrying off for the call. He stifled a sigh as the caller was doubtlessly Jackson. His best friend, also his project manager, would yell at him for missing the deadline again. He was translating the last few pages of Jinyoung’s book but he really needed more time to proofread and edit.
‘Tuan Yien!’ Jackson’s voice boomed through the speaker.
‘Sorry Jacks, I’ll make sure Jinyoung doesn’t blame you for the delay,’ Mark said sheepishly, ‘Jisung had a high fever so I couldn’t really work on the book –’
‘What?’ the younger gasped, ‘my godson was sick and you didn’t even tell me!’
‘Well, you’re busy wi –’
‘I’m always free for my lovely godson. Not for his Daddy though.’
A smile crept onto Mark’s face. Jackson had been a wonderful godfather. He doted on Jisung as much as Mark did. He even ditched dates to look after his godson when the older was sick. Mark really could not ask for a better best friend.
‘Anyway, I’ll pull an all-nighter. Hopefully, I can finish everything by noon. If not, I’ll bring Jisungie to Bambam and get the job done by the evening.’
‘No, I haven’t seen him for so long that Jisung might have forgotten my face!’
‘You sure it’s only your face he’s forgotten?’ Mark giggled.
Jackson tsked, ‘I’m gonna kidnap your son after his piano lesson. If you want him back, give me the last chapter of My Youth. Period.’
‘Sounds like a plan.’
‘Tell Jisung we’re going to the park tomorrow.’
‘Okay, bye bye.’
Jisung was still working at his cafe. The boy delivered a piece of cheesecake to Mr Squirrel and was taking an order from Mr Piglet. Mark decided to prepare dinner early while his energetic son busied himself. Soon, Carbonara with broccoli was ready. Jisung finished everything on his own without spilling any sauce on his shirt. Mark was really pleased and rewarded the boy with an extra episode of Doraemon. Afterwards, Jisung picked out his pyjamas for shower. Everything went smoothly.
‘Bedtime story, Daddy?’ Jisung rubbed his eyes.
‘Which one do you want?’ Mark scanned the bookshelf, ‘“The Ugly Duckling”?’
The boy exchanged idea with Mr Fox, ‘we want the rightest one please.’
It was “The Little Match Girl.” Mark’s least favourite fairy tale.
‘- She lighted another match. And now she was under a most beautiful Christmas tree. Thousands of lights were burning on the green branches. The child stretched out her hands to them; then the match went out. Still, the lights of the Christmas tree rose higher and higher. She saw them now as stars in heaven, and one of them fell, forming a long trail of fire.
‘“Now someone is dying,” murmured the little girl softly; for her grandmother, the only person who had loved her, and who was now dead, had told her that whenever a star falls a soul mounts up to God.
‘She struck yet another match against the wall, and again it was light; and in the brightness there appeared before her the dear old grandmother, bright and radiant, yet sweet and mild, and happy as she had never looked on earth.’
‘If I light a match, will I see Papa?’ Jisung asked curiously.
The question caught Mark off guard. A large lump blocked his throat but there was no way to swallow it. He hastily brushed away fresh tears. The way they trickled down his face always stirred up grief. He took a deep breath to steady his voice.
‘Papa already left this world to a faraway place. Although we cannot see him, he is watching over us. Listening to us. He misses us just as much as we miss him. Always remember – Papa loves you. Daddy loves you. One day, we will meet again. We will meet again for sure.’
Mark tucked Jisung in and pressed a kiss on his forehead.
‘Goodnight Daddy,’ the boy mumbled groggily, ‘I love you.’
‘I love you too.’
The father returned to his desk, easing into the role of a professional translator. Compared to the previous chapters in which Jinyoung had used allusion, riddle and wordplay extensively, the final bits of My Youth were relatively easy. However, Mark found himself unable to process the sentence. The hangul characters suddenly looked so foreign. Circles, squares and strokes floated in front of him while his head started replaying snippets of Brian. His dazzling smile, his fox-like eyes, his sonorous voice.
Mark could recall every detail of the night Brian gave him a promise ring. That romantic dork brought him to Banpo Bridge. He played his guitar and sang a self-composed song called Beautiful Feeling. That was the moment Mark realised he really wanted to carry Kang Younghyun’s child.
Jisung resembled his Papa in many ways. He showed interest in music at an early age. Toddler Sungie would sing along with cartoon theme songs and dance to K-pop hits. He had begged Mark to let him play the piano since his third birthday. Also, the boy was confident, outgoing and bright. He liked befriending other kids, especially the shy ones. Jisung had definitely inherited some positive traits from his Papa, in addition to the good looks.
Mark could not imagine his life without Jisung. The pregnancy helped him cope with Brian’s death and the conflicts with the Kangs. No matter how difficult it was to raise a child alone, Jisung always made him stronger than he actually was. Mark shook away all the depressive thoughts, returning his attention to Jinyoung’s novel.
‘Rise and shine, baby.’
Waking Jisung up was not an easy task. The boy not only possessed the uncanny ability to doze off anywhere, but also slept like a log. Mark removed the duvet and pinched his nose gently. As expected, no response. He used Mr Fox’s tail to tickle Jisung’s cheek. The boy stirred but merely buried his head into the pillow and continued to sleep.
‘Mr Fox says if you don’t get up, he’ll finish your milk.’
Silence.
‘Alright, Daddy is giving it to Mr Fox.’
‘Noooo Mrfocolsisdfj skdjfh.’
Mark chuckled at the gibberish, ‘then Jisung needs to get up.’
‘But Sungie very sleepy,’ the kid whined while wriggling on the bed.
‘Should I tell Youngjae you’re too sleepy for piano lesson?’
‘Nooooooo!’
Jisung sat up, rubbing his eyes groggily. He might be very very very sleepy but he wanted to play the piano with Otter-hyung very very very much. Besides, Jackson-hyung would take him to the park after class. At that thought, the child was immediately awake. After breakfast, Mark brought Jisung upstairs to Youngjae’s.
‘Morning, Jisung,’ Youngjae greeted with a warm smile, ‘morning, Mark-hyung.’
‘G’morning, Otter-hyung! What songs are we playing today?’
‘I’ll let you choose if you do well.’
The kid disappeared into the piano room.
‘Jackson will pick up Jisung,’ said Mark, ‘thanks Youngjae.’
‘No problem, hyung. Jisung is my favourite student,’ Youngjae winked.
Mark planned to edit the translation one last time before submitting it to Jackson. It was easy to overlook mistakes after working for ten hours straight. He debated for a second whether he should make another cup of coffee. And of course, Americano always appealed to the American.
Mark hit send right at midday. Still high from caffeine, he decided to do the household chores he had neglected yesterday. Laundry, washing dishes, cleaning and restocking. At 4pm, Mark finally finished all the chores and took a much needed power nap. He had looked forward to the meetup at B’Chill tonight as Bambam and Yugyeom had closed the cafe last month for a well-deserved break.
The 27-year-old felt like dressing nicely, even though it was just another weekly dinner. Instead of track suit pants and oversized graphic tees, he threw on a pair of ripped skinny jeans and a form-fitting white tee. He even wore a necklace. Bambam should definitely stop complaining about the way he dressed for once. After all, he did not need to look good when he’s just out to fetch Jisung from kindergarten right?
‘Mark-hyung!’
Yugyeom leapt into his embrace as soon as he set foot in B’Chill. Some customers looked at them curiously. Mark cast an apologetic smile, even though his heart melted a little at Yugyeom’s affectionate gesture. It’s cute, really, to see the giant maknae acting like an overexcited Golden Retriever. Bambam shoved his boyfriend aside to hug his Mark-hyung.
‘You look great today, bro.’
‘I look great every day.’
‘Jackson-hyung said you’ll come late.’
‘I pulled an all-nighter so I finished early.’
‘No wonder your dark circles put pandas to shame.’
‘Kunpimook Bhuwakul!’
Yugyeom ordered Mark to relax, have some frappe and enjoy their new recipe. The couple busied themselves behind the counter. Bambam stole a peck from Yugyeom’s lips when he thought nobody was paying attention. It reminded Mark of the times when Brian would kiss him out of the blue in front of their friends. And Bambam would yell ‘ewww’ overdramatically.
‘Hi, can I sit here?’ a handsome man interrupted his reminiscence.
Mark nodded and moved his book away.
‘Did you enjoy the novel so far? I think it’s better than Dark Places.’
Though astonished, Mark replied, ‘sure, she builds the tension much more effectively this time.’
‘Are you a fan of crime thriller?’
‘Yeah.’
‘I’m Siwon. What’s your name?’
‘Mark.’
The pair chatted animatedly about books and films, totally unaware of the knowing glances and smug grins from Bambam and Yugyeom. It’s about time Mark-hyung got back to the dating scene.
‘The cafe will close soon,’ Siwon tried to act calm, ‘do you want to talk over dinner perhaps?’
The maknaes pumped their fists in victory.
Mark blinked, registering Siwon’s intention only then, ‘um, I’d love to but –’
‘Daddy!’
Jisung wriggled out of Jackson’s arms and rushed to his father. Siwon’s eyes darted between Mark and Jackson. He rubbed his nose in embarrassment of being caught flirting with a married man. By his husband even! He left after mumbling a goodbye.
Shortly afterwards, Yugyeom closed the shop. Bambam prepared Thai dishes as per Jisung’s request. The kid munched Pad Thai happily between Mark and Yugyeom. When the adults were talking about the maknaes’ trip to Europe and Jackson’s recent interpretation task, Jisung threw in comments that cracked everyone up, except Mark.
Jackson noticed his best friend seemed quieter than usual. His smile was somewhat strained and his high-pitched giggles were absent. At first, he attributed it to exhaustion but then he caught Mark stare at his right hand. Jackson had enough of it. They had shied away from the discussion for too long. Someone needed to open Mark’s eyes.
Jisung had dozed off before Bambam served dessert, probably tired out by his adventure in the park. Yugyeom put him on the chair bed specially kept for this purpose. Silence veiled the cafe like a layer of fog.
‘Tuan Yien, the only person standing in your way is you.’
Jackson emanated a commanding presence when he spoke English, his voice low and firm with a core. Yugyeom and Bambam turned their heads at him, hanging to each and every word he had to offer. But the man paid the maknaes no mind. He looked at Mark with an athlete’s single-mindedness, demanding a response.
‘I dunno what you’re talking about.’
Mark picked at the mango sticky rice. How would he not know? It was a quote from his favourite film. Jackson used to say that to knock some sense into him. The sentence had motivated him to accept Brian’s confession.
Jackson took away his spoon, ‘tell me you don’t want somebody to love you the way he did.’
‘I don’t have time for relationships,’ the single parent sighed, ‘you know that.’
‘I’m not asking whether you have time for it. I’m asking you to convince me you don’t want that.’
‘I don’t want that.’
‘Look at me in the eyes.’
Mark forced himself to meet Jackson’s unwavering gaze for a brief moment. He could not find his voice to say that. He could not find his voice to say that while looking at Jackson.
‘Stop making up excuses for yourself. You say you have no time. But you know perfectly well that we’re happy to look after Jisung while you go on a date. You say Jisung might not like to share his Dad. Fine. But we’ve had talks with him. You heard how he’s totally on board with the idea of his Daddy having a boyfriend.’
Jackson ruffled his hair in agitation. Yugyeom was about to say something to ease the tension but shut his mouth as soon as the second oldest cast him a no-nonsense glance.
‘Your son is more mature than kids of his age. He understands the world much more than you give him credit for. He knows there will be changes to his life if you start seeing somebody. He knows he may not be happy about that until he’s adjusted to it. But he also knows it will make you happy, and eventually it will make him happy.’
Jackson did not put words in his son’s mouth. The three dongsaengs had studied how to broach such a difficult topic with a young child. They had explained the idea to Jisung using different approaches on many occasions. Jisung showed genuine understanding on the dilemma and gave support to Mark’s pursuit of a new relationship. Mark found himself unable to refute, even if just for the sake of it.
‘And then you’ll tell us you’re not over Brian. He gave you a promise ring. And you swore in front of his grave you would do both parents’ part in raising Jisung. We understand. I absolutely respect that. But have you acknowledged the possibility that, in fact, Brian will always occupy an important position in your heart?’
A tear trickled down Mark’s cheek. Yugyeom put his arm around him and dabbed away the tear with the other hand. It was not like Mark had not considered the possibility. He simply could not come to terms with it yet. It was really okay to love two people at the same time, wasn’t it?
‘Mark, I’m not asking you to put yourself before Jisung. And I’m not asking you to replace Brian. I’m just saying you’re entitled to live this life for yourself as much as for anybody else.
‘Go out. Find somebody who loves you. Nothing is in your way.’