Chapter Text
The thing is, Mitch knows that it's a mistake. He knows that soulmarks are tricky things, and that some come and go, like you matched perfectly for a while, but circumstances change, rarely, some appear on longtime best friends, some pop up as a tribute to someone you've lost.
Sometimes they appear because you're so deep in unrequited love with someone that a homage to them appears on your flesh.
Sometimes they get a red line through them or they disappear altogether.
He doesn't know which he'd prefer to happen to the one he has for Auston. It's an image (a delicately done cacti, in bloom under a single star), so probably the latter. For now he just has to keep it under wraps that he has it. If it disappears at all.
God, he hopes it disappears.
-
He dreams of Auston finding out maybe a couple of times a week. Most of the time he forgets all but the fuzziest details because he's like, so shitty at remembering dreams, but this one -
Yeah, this one not so much.
In it, they're sprawled on the couch, because Auston has no concept of personal space and Mitch has no problem exploiting that. It makes him sleepy and happy and - really fucking stupid. He gets too warm but he doesn't want to move from leaning into the arm Auston has stretched out against the back of the sofa, so he takes his sweater off, completely missing how it lifts his tee up with it, just a little.
Just enough.
"Whoa, when did you get that?" Auston says, and Mitch feels his heart do a fucking backflip in his chest.
"What?" He replies stupidly, buying time. Auston can only have seen it for a split second. Maybe he can rectify this.
"Your mark. I didn't think you had one yet. When did it happen?"
"Uh." He says, and Auston is pushing his t shirt up a little to look closer before Mitch can jump back.
"Cute." He says initially, and Mitch laughs, stilted. "Do you know what it means?"
"It's just a bunch of plants, it's no big deal."
"Bunch of plants my ass, you're in love."
"Don't I know it." Dream Mitch says before he can stop himself.
Auston pauses roasting him.
"Wait, you know them?"
Mitch feels the colour drain from his face.
"I - I mean. I - kinda."
"So what does it mean?"
Auston squints at the ink again, tracing the edge of something, the mountain in the background, the edge of a succulent - something, and Mitch gets blindsided by the visceral wave of feeling he gets from it. It's like he's been hooked up to the electric grid.
That's when the other shoe drops.
"Oh." Auston murmurs, and the fabric falls from where he'd held it aside.
"Matts, it's not - They're not always in love ones, right? Sometimes they're for friends, lifelong friends, sometimes - I -"
He knows he's babbling because he's scared. Auston's face is scarily blank.
"Those are pretty uncommon though." He says. "I'm not stupid, we learnt all this in school - ones between friends are strong but incredibly rare. The teacher, she even gave us stats, 1 in 200,000, like -"
He takes a breath, crease between his brows, still blank but determined.
"Still, it could be -"
Auston shakes his head, decisive.
"No. If that was the case I'd have something too, something corresponding. Mine has nothing to do with that, which means that-"
Mitch flinches preemptively, offers a watery smile.
"You don't have to say it. I know." He goes, because he realises now, all this time, he could have just asked what Auston's mark was, if he had one at all yet. He didn't have to admit anything.
But here they are.
Auston is still touching him, but his hands have stilled. He looks...Shocked and a put out and yeah, that's. Not really looking good.
"I'm sorry -" He says, but it's wary. He sounds fucking wary and his expression is shuttered and -
And he wakes up.
So yeah, he's not going to bring it up. He's not going to ask Auston about his. He's not going to talk about soulmates altogether. He's going to get one of those patches to cover it and he's gonna get over it.
The sinking feeling in his stomach is kinda really ruining his mood, but he's got a plan at least.
-
The only problem is, Auston is tactile. Maybe he got that from Mitch, which is a cruel irony. He keeps touching him in cellies, when they're playing a truly terrible round of fortnite and he has his arm spread along the back of the sofa, when he they go out for lunch and -
Mitch knows that at best it's force of habit. At worst, it's Auston humoring him, but he tries not to think about that.
He knows that it's just that - brief, sociable touches. They aren't anything special. They don't mean anything.
Even knowing all that, it doesn't get any easier, so he starts trying to limit how touchy he is in return.
He stiffens up or ducks away when Auston hugs him now, stops initiating them, because hugs are for cellys, or offering congratulations on something. He shouldn't be forcing them so frequently.
Sitting bang next to each other on the couch is only okay if there's no space for him to sit separately. He shouldn't be taking advantage of what isn't his anyway.
When they fly or take the coach, the arm rest stays down, and if he falls asleep on Auston's shoulder he makes sure to say he's sorry, because he is. He doesn't want Auston to even get an inkling.
Inviting him over after every fucking practice is stupid and clingy. "I know we just spent most of the day together but I don't want to part yet". "Let's grab lunch". "Are you staying the night?". Fucking hell.
It isn't fair to Auston to keep getting so physically close to him when he isn't in possession of all the facts and if he were - yeah, no. Mitch isn't gonna think about that either. It's not like Auston will miss it, and it prevents him being in an awkward position.
It's fine.
-
Sometimes, he really fucking misses it.
He remembers how sometimes when they veg out and watch movies at his place he'd occasionally get so relaxed from the easy affection that he'd fall asleep on Auston, and Auston wouldn't shove him away. He'd just adapt to it. Move his arm so it rested around Mitch's side or let him slowly sink onto his chest, just letting him be close.
He misses that most when he puts his plan into action and there's a couple of feet between them. He wants to hang on, to cling, to feel Auston's warmth under his cheek. He fucking longs for it, but that doesn't mean he should have it. It's just hard.
(When he gets really tempted he thinks about how Auston would react of Mitch was stupid enough to lay himself bare. He thinks of the how it'd make Auston feel, and how he'd get guilty that he'd led Mitch on or some other bullshit. It'd be so fucking selfish of him to say anything, and he'd do well to remember that.)
-
A big drawback to all of this is that when Auston does touch him, he's nearly floored by it.
He scores, and and Auston barrels into him, nearly squashing him flat to the boards, and there's a moment where his gloved hand brushes where his pads don't quite cover the mark, and put it this way, it's a good job he's able to lean back against the glass just to keep his balance.
His mind wanders, sometimes. He thinks of Auston touching it with bare hands against his bare skin, fingers tracing all the lines. Maybe he's press his lips to it, holding him by the forearms.
He starts getting frustrated. He wants it gone. He wants it to disappear so that he's not so fucking afraid.
-
His next dream isn't so nice.
This time Auston freaks out because Mitch had been telling him all day he needed to speak to him and then sat him down on the couch and tried to get the words out only -
He'd frozen.
Auston had looked like he was 2 seconds away from freaking out, and when Mitch opened his mouth to say something Auston had beat him to it.
"Are you sick?"
He was practically wringing his hands.
"No! God, no. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you think that."
He breathes a sigh of relief.
"I got a mark." Mitch says, apparently going for broke.
Auston's eyebrows shoot up, and he's grinning.
"For real? Congrats, man! Do you k-"
"-and I think it's for you."
Mitch can't control how he's beaming. He's been wanting to tell him all day and felt like it was written across his forehead (or side in this case, ha) and now it's out there a-
"What."
Mitch freezes, because this - he doesn't get it, this is - he -
He doesn't understand, because Auston's voice is completely, chillingly flat.
"I said I -" He gulps, and can't get the rest out when he looks up, because Auston has gone from relieved to looking like he's the ill one. "Auston I thought - I could have sworn, I'm. I'm sorry -I was. I was sure -"
He cuts him off.
"Why the fuck would I have a mark for you?" He asks. He's not shouting, he just sounds bewildered, like he can see their friendship in a new light and doesn't like it.
Mitch feels the bottom drop out of his stomach. He wants to backtrack.
"I - "
"Why?"
Mitch can't look at him. He can feel Auston's eyes on him but he can't look back.
"Please don't make me answer that." He says, tears pricking at his eyes. Don't fucking cry, he thinks. You'll look pathetic.
"Did you seriously think that-"
"Please, I was just - I got it wrong, okay? I got it wrong and -"
"I just want to know what I did to lea8d you on -"
"You didn't!" He says quickly, because he doesn't want Auston to feel bad. This is his problem and his alone. "It's just. Y'know how sometimes you'll look at me or hold me or we'll spend the day together and nap by each other. And - I guess I thought that was - just. I thought that was something."
When he dares look up Auston's face is unreadable. His expression is so shuttered it makes his media face look open.
"How could you think- " are the next words out of his mouth and -
He wakes up.
It's still so early that the morning that it's not even fully light.
He's wondering why he's so warm and uncomfortable for a few bleary seconds, then he realises. Auston stayed over. The last thing he remembers is watching a rerun of some awful reality show and barely being able to keep his eyes open, laughing at Auston's dry commentary of the contestants.
Apparently that's where they both fell asleep. Together. In Mitch's bed.
Auston has his arm slung over Mitch's waist and his shirt is bunched up and -
Cold dread trickles through him. His mark is fully on show. He doesn't know for how long or if Auston saw it, but his fingers are nearly brushing it.
Suddenly it's difficult to breathe, because this is too much. It's a soft agony to know what this feels like now, how Auston is a cuddler and what his fingers look like spread gentle over his ribs.
He wants to not remember any of this, but it feels seared into his memory already.
Mitch is going to have to tell him not to sleep in his bed, because god forbid it happen again. It's not something that should happen anyway, but with his mark as it is - it's just too risky.
-
Mitch hints at him over breakfast that he has a perfectly good bed at home and - Auston freezes for a full second as he's prodding at the coffee machine.
He doesn't look Mitch in the eye when he says "okay", softly.
He doesn't lean in to hug him goodbye anymore either. Small victories.
-
When Mitch showers after he leaves to get ready for practice, he notices one of the cacti has gained another flower, in colour this time.
-
There are places you can go that get rid of the marks for good. Hideously expensive, naturally, but they take it away.
It's something of a taboo. It's not supposed to happen because everyone knows that platonic or romantic, soulmarks are meant to be part of you.
Some people that have had them removed get strange side effects. He remembers some kindly old lady on the news, explaining that she'd heard her soulmate's heartbreak and longing for 60 years now, but would never be able to feel it enough to locate her. She'd had it taken away because society wasn't kind to women like her, and her whole life long she'd regretted it.
It wouldn't be as bad for him, he figures. He knows who his soulmate is, knows he's unmatched. It's not even an inpatient treatment - 2 hours, and you're ready to leave again, to start over. The benefits outweigh the risks.
Mitch has 3 tabs open on it.
He's almost pressing the confirm appointment button when a little bit of doubt strikes him. What if, he thinks. What if Auston has a matching mark but it's just really small, somewhere secret. Maybe he's been keeping his corresponding one secret too, trying to find a good time to bring it up. Maybe that's what he thinks about when they fall asleep together, touching in just enough places.
Then he thinks of how picturing them together feels so contrived. How he can't imagine Auston smiling at him in a romantic sort of way or laying his hands on him or - anything. Anything at all.
One time he dreams that Auston is spooning him and kissing his way from behind his ear to his mouth in ticklish pecks, laughing. He'd told Mitch about how he had a mark too, nervous, panicky. Then he'd shown it. It had been a match.
And Mitch had just. Thrown himself at Auston, overjoyed. Tearful and giggling all at once. So, so, happy.
He's Auston's fucking soulmate, jesus christ. Fucking Auston, matching him. He's giddy and shaking, just slightly, and Auston reaches for him, soothing, like he's gentling a horse. One hand holding his and the other holding his jaw, so fucking softly.
He looks up at him, smiling hard enough his eyes are crinkling, and then he -
He draws back.
It all falls away in a blink, because Auston stares at him levelly, expression suddenly neutral, and says "you know this isn't real, right?"
(He presses confirm.)