Chapter Text
It’s very hard for Christen to separate soccer and Tobin in her mind. The two have been synonymous for almost five years now, ever since the met at a U14 camp and Tobin helped her learn to execute a rainbow perfectly (well, as perfectly as a 13 year old can).
They live across the country, Tobin in New Jersey and Christen in California, but every summer they come together and every summer Tobin works her way back into Christen’s heart. Except last summer was their last because 18 means college and 18 means they won’t see each other at camps and 18 means they don’t have an excuse to meet in the middle of nowhere and finagle their way into being roommates.
Christen committed to Stanford the moment the offer was on the table, barely even pausing to consider anything else. Tobin called her a week later, and screamed to her about UNC and really everything was okay, they were okay, and happy for each other.
Except now it’s almost August and Christen can feel this odd, gaping hole in her chest because even if she only sees Tobin for a month once a year she’s almost the most important person in her life (besides her family, obviously) and this is the first time since she was 14 that Tobin hasn’t almost killed her by nutmegging her in the middle of the night as they walk to a 24 hour diner.
But Christen prides herself on her ability to think rationally, even if all she wants to do is convince her parents to buy her a ticket to New Jersey. Instead, she lets herself cry for no less than an hour (it’s more like three) and then buck up and drive to the beach. She takes the dogs, because when she opens the car door they’re already trying to jump in, and she spends the rest of the evening, some random July night, kicking her soccer ball and trying not to think of Tobin. (Which is redundant seeing as Tobin gave her this specific ball).
~~~
Across the country Tobin Powell Heath is not crying. Definitely not crying at all, because Tobin doesn’t cry and especially not over something so silly as missing soccer camp. Or the people at soccer camps. Or any person at all. Tobin is not crying.
Instead she is at the park, kicking a soccer ball against the brick wall the city decided was some kind of “modern art” exhibit that needed to be on the edge of the grass. She practices her aim, and after a while she tries to beat her juggling record (even if she can’t see very clearly through her tears).
She makes it to 75 before she starts feeling tired and stops, rubs her sweater against her eyes and grabs the ball to head home. Her mother says nothing, but gives her a sympathetic smile as she walks in, head down and face blotchy. Tobin smiles back at her but quickly escapes to her room, before she does something stupid like ask for a plane ticket to California.
The UNC letter tacked up on her wall, practically stares her down with its soft blue seal. She’s happy, happier than she thought she’d be, and usually when she looks at the letter she feels nothing but pride and excitement . Right now though, she almost wants to dig out her rejection letter to Stanford, just to let herself wallow some more and maybe regret her choices a little.
(She doesn’t regret her choice, but she does briefly wish she was still seventeen and still at camp and nutmegging Christen in the middle of the night just to see her cheeks turn red and angry.)
~~~
They don’t see each other until early October, and when they do it’s on opposite sides of the field, for the first time since they were 15 and the coaches realised separating them was just asking for trouble. But they’re older now, and even though Christen is aching to run straight to her (stopping herself with a reminder that this is a real game, not camp), she settles for winking at Tobin once they take their places on the pitch.
(If Tobin gets a slightly late start, only a little stumble really, its just because the grass is unfamiliar to her.)
It’s the first time all year Christen lets herself enjoy the game, letting herself feel the grass and the ball through her boots and ignoring the pressures of the Stanford crowd or the idea of her parents watching. She sinks the ball in the 34th minute, and before she knows it’s she’s on the ground, Kelley pinning her and Mal running from the right side of the field to dive next to them. She hears their shouts but her head turns left, outside and away, where she sees Tobin give her a thumbs up as she walks past, towards her other teammates. That more than anything makes Christen beam at the sky above her.
The game ends 2-1, Mal making the game point with a nutmeg even Tobin would be jealous of, and Christen finds herself buried under her teammates as they cheer around her. The game doesn’t actually mean anything, just a “friendly” before the championship rounds start, but it tastes like heaven to Christen anyways.
When they disperse, half the team heading to the sidelines and coaches, Christen turns to slap hands with the other team. Most of them are friendly, passing on “good game” and “congrats,” but when she reaches Tobin and their hands touch Christen feels like she’s taking her first drinking of water after the game. Tobin pulls her away, out of the line, and the hug is too tight and too long and just perfect.
“Hi Chris.” Tobin breathes into her neck, and Christen has to fight both a shiver and a blush form spreading through her.
“Hi Tobs.” She says, squeezing just a little harder, before finally pulling back. They’re both grinning, smiling big and almost painful. “How long are you here for?”
“We leave at noon tomorrow.”
“Oh good!” Christen says, and then flushes at the eagerness in her voice, but moves on quickly, “I know there’s going to be a celebratory party tonight, if you want to come, but if not do you want to get coffee in the morning?”
“We could do both? I have to sneak out of our hotel though.” Tobin pretends to whisper, even though they’re far enough away nobody else could hear them. Christen laughs anyways, and nods furiously.
“I’d like th-“ she’s cut off by one of her coach’s whistles, and cringes as she turns to see half her teammates either glaring or waving obnoxiously at her. “Gotta go, text me okay?” She says with one last hug to Tobin, before backing away. Tobin only nods before turning to her own teammates.
Back in the locker room Christen tries to step away from Kelley’s smirk, but their lockers are next to each other and escaping that look probably wasn’t ever going to be an option.
“So who was that?” Kelley asks, the suggestion in her voice making Christen blush.
“My friend Tobin, we used to go to national youth camps together.” She says, hopes that’ll be enough for Kelley.
“Hmmm.” Kelley says, but thankfully Sarah comes in then, and jumps on Kelley’s back, making her stumble into the wall and almost fall.
Sarah starts singing some song about winning, and Kelley joins her after a moment. Neither can sing, and the horrible tone of both their voices together is a great excuse for Christen to disappear into the showers.
Once she’s out and her hair has been semi dried and straightened, she checks her phone to see a few texts from Tobin.
Tobs: sneaking out in an hour, bringing a friend
Tobs: I think she knows your teammate Kelley?
Tobs: address?
Christen: 555 W Creekbin 90047
Christen: not that you would, but don’t wear heels
Tobs: as if I own heels
~~~
Tobin has to say, if nothing else Stanford does at least have some high quality liquor at their parties. She’s grown used to seeing cheap vodkas and tequilas, but this counter is spread full of whiskeys and top shelf vodkas that she doesn’t even want to know how much they cost.
Alex is already on her second vodka cranberry, while Tobin nurses a lukewarm (read: not good) beer from a keg in the back. Alex is talking to some guy with blue eyes a nose way to big for his face, but at least Alex seems interested in the conversation.
Tobin is still scanning the room, marvelling a bit over the lack of walls and ability to see everything from the kitchen, as she scans for Chris. She knew they’d get there before her, has known Chris’s post game ritual for years now, but she still thought she timed it better than this. It’s been almost 30 minutes and she has yet to catch a glimpse of her or receive a text.
She’s about to give up, maybe try to join Alex’s weird psychology conversation, when she suddenly has arms wrapped around her middle and Alex is almost being tackled right in front of her. Then Alex and (what she assumes is) Kelley are screaming at each other and the poor guy is awkwardly leaving the kitchen as Tobin turns to face Christen, who’s arms stay around her waist.
“Hi.” Chris breaths, and Tobin swear she can taste vanilla chapstick just from her breath. She goes still, trying hard not to lean any close to Christen, who’s forehead is barely an inch away.
“Hi.” She manages to get out, voice a little too breathy, but Chris doesn’t seem to notice, instead just pulls back, looping her left arm through Tobin’s right and turning them to face Alex and Kelley.
“I told you I knew her.” Alex says, all smug like Tobin had ever actually argued with her about it. She just raises and eyebrow and Alex scoffs before turning to Christen with a raised eyebrow of her own. “Sooo, you’re the infamous Chris.”
“Does that make you Tobin?” Kelley says, laughing as both she and Chris’s cheeks turn red and avoid looking at each other, glaring at their friends instead.
“You’re right, she is cute.” Alex says, and that launches Kelley into a fit of giggles while Tobin groans.
“Outside?” Chris whispers in her ear, and Tobin furiously nods before grabbing her hand and pulling her away without a word to the other girls.
The backyard is more crowded than expected, but they manage to find a spot towards the side of the house where guys aren’t using it as a bathroom.
“Your goal was amazing.”
“Your assist was amazing!” Chris responds enthusiastically, making Tobin’s smile just a little bit softer and happier. Their hands are still clasped together.
“I’ve missed you.” Tobin breathes out, and she tries not to get her hopes up at the way Chris turns just a little bit pink.
“I’ve missed you too. Summer was weird, I felt like I was missing something without you- without you and camp I mean.” She coughs awkwardly at the end, and it makes Tobin grin even more. They chat for a bit more, Chris moving on quickly to talk about school and soccer. Tobin follows her lead, but can’t help the giant smile every time she looks at her.
Suddenly there’s yelling, and then Alex and Kelley are in front of them. Someone shouts cops, and even though it’s hilarious and stupid, everyone decides they need to run from the sides of the house. Tobin loses Christen and Alex briefly, somehow ends up with Kelley, but they find their way back to each other on the next street with the dispersing crowd. Christen is flushed and jittery, and Tobin puts her arm around her without a thought, trying not to feel smug when her nerves seem to instantly calm and Christen relaxes into her.
They split up at a main street, Tobin and Alex recognising the street as only a few blocks from their hotel. Even though they’ll see each other in the morning, Tobin still hugs Chris a little too long, and has to suffer Alex’s teasing did the rest of their walk.
~~~
Coffee ends up cancelled, because somehow Tobin’s coach finds out about the party and grounds them to the hotel until they leave for the airport. Christen pretends she’s not upset, and doubles her yoga and meditation exercise once she’s actually up. Kelley tries to tease her, but must see her actual sadness and leaves it alone after a moment. In return, Christen only makes a few comments about Sarah coming over after the party.
Chris: I’ll miss you
Tobs: I’ll miss you more
~~~
The phone calls started when they’re were 16, but they’re more frequent now. Tobin calls before Chris’s games and Chris calls after Tobin’s and they both call each other on Tuesdays nights. Sometimes they talk for a few minutes and sometimes they wake up with their phones on the pillow still on the call together.
Neither admits it but Tuesdays become both of their favourite days, if only because they both know it’s their day. Their day for each other.
~~~
They don’t see each other again until December, almost close to Christmas break, and Tobin wishes it was closer so she could tell Christen to just stay there. Wishes finals were over and it was break and she could tell Christen she wants her to come to New Jersey.
The game is brutal, raining and if Tobin was a more dramatic person she would liken it to some kind of medieval battle what with the sheer amount of yellow cards and bruising everyone seems to be sporting. Just after halftime Allie finally scores a goal, but it’s taken away by offsides. Everyone seems to know, even the Stanford players, that it’s a bad call, but they still take away the goal and the aggressiveness seems to triple.
Tobin finds herself on her back almost as much as her feet, and when she’s hit cleat to knee she goes down hard with a groan. The Stanford player stops as the whistle blows and Tobin can hear her apologising but her knee is on fire so she just nods and lets herself stay down.
A few seconds later three things happen: first she sees the Stanford player pulled away by the ref, then Alex is there tapping her shoulder but not coming too close. Then, there’s Chris, who kneels down and is holding Tobin’s hand so tight it almost distracts her from the pain. The medic checks her out quickly, and then he and Chris are pulling her off the field. The ref blows the whistle at Chris, who hesitates until Tobin gives her a small thumbs up, and she runs back onto the field.
Tobin is back in barely two minutes later, her knee only slightly aching, and the game is significantly less aggressive as both teams seem to tire. Alex scores, and Tobin tries not to jump in excitement on her tender knee, but can’t help throwing her arms around her teammates. Tobin looks for Christen, but she’s too distracted patting Kelley’s back to see her, and for a minute she feels an odd mix of anger and sadness at it.
The game ends 1-0, and Tobin’s team celebrates by running quickly to the locker room. Tobin hesitates until she’s last, behind even the coaches, but she manages to see Christen wave a thumbs up from across the rainy field; and it makes her feel that much better.
An hour later the team is filing out and Tobin finally remembers to pull her phone out.
Mom: proud of you!
Dad: 🎉
Chris: we’re leaving tonight
Tobs: noooo
Chris: I hate losing, but at least it was to you
Tobs: miss you
Chris: miss you more
~~~
“So, is that Tobin?” Channing asks, and Christen has to fight the wild urge to sit on her phone or hide it somewhere. Channing smirks at her though like she knows what she’s thinking, face lit up by the overly decorated Christmas tree and fireplace.
“Yeah, and Kelley.” She says, wishing her voice didn’t sound so high pitched.
“Sure, but I bet the smile is for Tobin, not Kelley.”
“Shut up Chan.” Christen turns red, but thankfully Channing just laughs and walks away. Christen is just thinking she’s off the hook when her dad sits down with a small smile on his face.
“So, how is Tobin?” He says, wiggling one eyebrow, and Christen groans as her whole family laughs. Channing and her mom are smirking while her dad pats her shoulder while still wiggling his eyebrow.
She stands up then and walks up the stairs with a barely muttered “goodnight”while everyone laughs again. Once in her room she’s dialling without really thinking about it, falling on her bed as it rings.
“Hello?” A groggy voice answers, and Christen flicks her eyes to the clock.
“Shit sorry, it’s almost midnight there go back to sleep.”
“No, Chris I’m good, everything okay?”
“Yeah,” she breathes in relief, “I just miss you.”
“I miss you too.” Tobin immediately responds, and Christen wishes she could explain how that makes her both happy and sad, how she wishes she could just listen to Tobin breath for a while and pretend they were next each other.
They’ve been teetering for years, ever since Christen blurted our she thought she might be gay when they were seventeen and she was worried she would never see Tobin again. Tobin had been shocked to say the least, but had hugged her immediately and kissed her head. Chris had already known about Tobin’s girlfriend at the time, some volleyball player at her high school, so it wasn’t some ploy to get Tobin interested, but it also wasn’t not a way of telling Tobin she could be interested. If they saw each other more than one month a year, if the stars could actually align just right for them.
(She tries not to feel guilty that she was so happy when Tobin and the volleyball player broke up a few weeks later and Tobin started calling every once in a while instead of just texting)
“Chris? You still there?” Tobin says, voice low and sleepy, and sounding like heaven to Christen.
“Yeah, I’m here. Can you just, stay?” She says, not really sure what she’s asking but hoping Tobin will understand anyways.
“I’m going to fall asleep on you, but I’ll stay on the phone.” She responds after a few seconds, and Christen breathes in relief because yes, thats what she wanted even if she didn’t know.
“Thank you.”
“Anytime, Chris.”
~~~
Tobin comes back in the spring with her knee fully healed and a newfound resolve to let Alex set her up with someone. She’s been pushing it for months, ever since the Stanford party really, and until Christmas Tobin wasn’t really sure why she kept saying no.
But now she does, and the idea that Tobin, carefree and easy going Tobin, was wrapped up in a girl across the country had sent her panicking in a way she hadn’t experienced since she was ten and a coach tried it put her in goal. She comes back to school, pushes herself into classes, and off season practice, in a way that makes even Becky raise her eyebrows.
Tobin doesn’t tell anyone, even Alex, but sometimes she bails on team bonding and practices just to listen to Christen breathe on the other side of the phone. Alex almost catches her once, but luckily Chris is already asleep and Tobin hangs up without feeling too guilty.
She goes on a date in early February, and the girl, Maddie, is sweet. She student manages the boys basketball team and is nearly as busy as Tobin, which would normally mean they never see each other, but their schedules actually happen to match perfectly. Tobin likes her enough, which is to say she’s a great kisser and doesn’t mind that Tobin can’t seem to commit to anything.
She still talks to Christen once a week, almost always falling asleep on the phone with her, and sometimes when they’re on the phone she forgets to respond to Maddie’s messages. Sometimes she might pick Netflix binging with Christen on FaceTime over hanging out with her almost girlfriend. She hates herself a little bit for it, but can’t seem to make herself actually stop. Christen is like an addiction, and every time she makes her smile or laugh, she can feel herself slipping down the slope more.
It’s not until April, when Maddie introduces her as “my girlfriend” and then starts posting pictures of them on Instagram, that Tobin realises she might be a bad person. Christen doesn’t ask, but Maddie’s Instagram is public and when Chris stops calling so much, stops responding so fast, Tobin has to wonder if she’s seen them.
It’s almost May, two weeks after Maddie posts “happy with this one” and a picture of her kissing Tobin, that Tobin really realises she’s made a mistake. Christen hasn’t texted her back in a week, and they haven’t spoken on the phone in almost three. She doesn’t know what to do, but when the notification “christenpress posted a picture” comes up and she can’t help that she immediately opens it, even though she’s at a game with Maddie, on what is supposed to be a date.
The picture is of Christen, but there’s a girl with her arms around Christen’s waist, smiling up at her, and Chris is kissing her temple. It makes Tobin’s heart stop in her chest and she feels like she can’t breath until she finally reads the caption.
“Teammates like these are the reason I keep playing (also the reason I keep eating bad foods!)”
Something like relief fills Tobin’s chest, and suddenly she can’t be next to Maddie and can’t be going out with Maddie and can’t be with Maddie anymore. She turns to her abruptly, only for Maddie to already be looking at her, confusion in her eyes.
“We need to talk.” Tobin says, and Maddie’s eyes steel up so suddenly that Tobin can already feel the sting of tears and guilt in the back of her nose.
~~~
“Tobin?” Christen answers, trying to leave the party quick enough and not spill the drink in her hand at the same time. There’s a sob through the phone, so Chris drops the cup without a care, pushing more aggressively through the crowd. “Tobin are you okay?”
“No.” Is the only thing she hears before she’s finally outside.
“What’s wrong?”
“Everything,” Tobin says through a sob, “I’m such a bad person Chris and I don’t know how to stop it.”
“Tobs, you’re not a bad person, you’re one of the best people I know.” Christen has no idea what’s going on, but all she can feel is her own heart breaking for her best friend.
“Chris, I can’t do this anymore.” Her crying suddenly stops and all that’s left is heavy breathing.
“Can’t do what anymore Tobs?”
“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t be yours anymore.” Her breathing is fast and hard now, and Christen is clutching her phone to her face, probably hard enough to break it.
“Tobin I don’t understand.” Her voice cracks, so she tries to clear her throat and not to cry, not until she can understand.
“I love you.” It’s breathed out on a sigh and Christen freezes, heart racing, because it’s different than a best friend I love you, it sounds so different. “I love you and you live across the country and I can’t talk to you anymore.”
The line goes dead and Christen blinks at her blank phone for a minute before the tears finally start to fall. She tries to call Tobin back, it it goes to voicemail at the second ring. She walks home, forgetting to tell Kelley or Mal that she left, and crawls into bed too numb to even change out of her clothes.
Christen hears the door open, what could be hours or minutes later, Kelley coming in, and poking her head through the door. Christen doesn’t even pretend to be asleep, or that she hasn’t been crying for hours.
“Hey honey, what happened?” She asks in a soft voice, and that’s all it takes for her to break down again. Kelley slides into bed and rubs patterns on her back, until Christen eventually comes down. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
“Tobin-“ she chokes on the name, “Tobin doesn’t want me anymore. Doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.”
“What?” Kelley asks, almost sitting up, voice full of disbelief and anger. Christen just pulls her back down to cuddle and slowly explains what happened while her tears dry.
“But, you love her too?” Kelley asks, but it’s not really a question.
“She doesn’t care.” Is the last thing Christen gets out before she finally falls asleep just from exhaustion.
~~~
Kelley O’hara: I hope you know you really fucked up
Tobin Heath: I need to move on
Kelley O’hara: you’re an idiot