Archive of Our Own

*

He runs while the rain pours down heavily. Still, his smile stays; wide, all teeth, all genuine, like nothing can tamper it down. No one can break him.

He fights life with a smile.

Jeongguk looks up from his laptop, fingers resting on the keypads softly as he stops typing for a while to watch the boy run inside the flower shop. He’s so bright, Jeongguk can physically feel himself go warm at the sight of his huge smile. He watches as the boy opens the door with a huff, nose crinkling adorably and—

Jeongguk sighs, rubs a hand down his face then takes a deep calming breath.

He picks up his cup of coffee, takes a sip from it and gags at how cold it has become. Looking at the clock, Jeongguk realises that he’s been in the café for way too long and way past the hours he’s decided to stay. Oh well. Still, he gets up, goes to the counter, and asks for a coffee refill before going back to his place, by the window, near the flower shop, where he can sightsee.

Where he can watch the boy sort the flowers displayed outside.

It starts one autumn day, when Jeongguk is typing on his laptop too fast, too furious, too inspired. It has taken only one glance, one second for him to look up and outside the window, then he’s on a daze. Because the boy—with his disheveled hair, clutching three or four types of bouquet on his arms—has taken his breath away.

Or more like, distracted him from continuing on writing the most important scene on his second novel. Great.

But.

Jeongguk watches the boy fight with the door and the bouquet and the wind that apparently is trying to blow all the boy’s flowers away—

Jeongguk watches as the boy sighs in relief when the door finally opens. And Jeongguk watches him smile brightly as he greets the person who’s opened the door and Jeongguk watches him disappear from his sight and inside the shop.

The boy is so distracting. He’s too colorful. Shirt too flowery, pants too creamy, hair too blonde, smile too happy.

The boy is like happiness incarnate.

Jeongguk can never relate.

And that’s how his novel gained one more character.

The happy boy.

*

He’s always surrounded by people. Smiling at them, hugging them, touching them. So familiar with them.

He’s the center of attention. He’s the main character in a book not written for him. His energy draws people to him and his personality makes them stay. He is loved and envied at the same time.

Perhaps, that’s why, he’s the first to fall.

Something that is constant in Jeongguk’s life is silence.

He loves the silence of his tiny apartment in Hongdae where the hustle and bustle usually is. Jeongguk loves the silence of that one café he once visited while in Itaewon; up that hill, in the suburbs of Seoul, in the middle of everything and nothing. He loves his bedroom in Busan, still kept clean everyday just in case Jeongguk makes a surprise visit—his mom’s words, not his—which he rarely does.

In conclusion, Jeongguk loves his peace; being alone. Feeling unimportant, a wallflower, in this bustling city.

And that’s why Jeongguk can’t grasp why he’s so interested in a boy opposite to what he likes; the most opposite of Jeongguk’s personality.

But he’s fascinated and he’s created a similar character to him. This happy boy that lights up the room when he walks in. This boy that is loud with his hands gesturing wildly while talking. This man that smiles too brightly at anyone he has an eye contact with.

Jeongguk names him Minsu.

Minsu; min meaning gentle and su meaning outstanding.

Jeongguk loves his peace but Jeongguk also loves his characters. Especially Minsu.

Bright, lovelable, Minsu.

Jeongguk always becomes attached to his characters because they are his creations; they are him and he is them. Minsu though is not him. It’s not one of his sub-personality that has never graced his real life; not one of his made up him. Minsu is happy boy.

Minsu is not Jeongguk and that’s why he’s addictive.

And maybe that’s why Jeongguk fell too much into the rabbit hole. Of giving this character the personality that isn’t him, that could never be him, different from him.

Minsu is not brooding nor is he shy nor is he crude or rude or anti-social. He is not someone who reads texts and forgets to reply. He doesn’t wear monochrome colours like the main character. He doesn’t get tongue tied when he tries to compliment someone or flirt with him. Minsu is everything Jeongguk is not and—

And Jeongguk likes it.

Jeongguk likes writing him.

And maybe that’s why it’s such a surprise to see Minsu crying in a back alley that smells too much of month old left-over food, trash surrounding him while he sobs so fucking hard his whole body is shaking and his voice is half-whimpering and half-wailing.

Jeongguk freezes, halting on his steps. The only reason he entered the alley is because of the painful sounds that he heard while innocently walking past he smelly corner. He’s going on his merry way when he hears a sound like someone is killing an animal.

No one is being killed.

Perhaps someone has been killed.

Minsu wails louder, tears running down his cheeks while his hands presses on his eyes that seems to never stop producing the water that’s trailing down his cheeks. His face is red and the veins on his neck is so prominent, proof that he’s been holding his voice for so long and now— now he’s breaking like Jeongguk hasn’t seen anyone before. Except—

"H—Hey…"

Jeongguk curses in his head. Why the fuck did he even open his mouth. Can’t he see that this is not the time?

But the time for what?

The time to meet the man behind Minsu. The time to see if Minsu truly resembles this man.

But from what Jeongguk can see, his Minsu doesn’t resemble this Minsu at all.

Jeongguk’s Minsu would never cry like this because he is a happy guy. He brings happiness everywhere with him. Nothing can let him down.

This man, sobbing like his world is falling apart, is different. He’s fragile; like thin broken glass, shattered, unable to be repaired. He’s like the last leaf in autumn; trying to hold on despite the wind trying to blow him away. It feels like he’ll disappear anytime soon.

It feels like he’ll break even further.

The man thankfully doesn’t hear Jeongguk’s first attempt to catch his attention. Jeongguk contemplates on doing it again. But he’s also scared. //

What if he disappears?

Jeongguk is a writer. He knows breakdowns. He knows sadness like a friend. He knows the countless of consequences from just one action.

He knows.

And yet—

"Hey…" Jeongguk tries again, louder this time, words not being drowned by loud whimpers and even louder wailing.

Minsu— No, Jeongguk shakes his head. This is not Minsu. This is another person. This person is human, in flesh. Not happiness incarnate.

The man looks up, eyes puffy and tear stained, lips trembling as he hiccups. He looks up at Jeongguk and Jeongguk has never seen anyone look so sad and vulnerable. He is not Minsu.

The boy gulps, "Y—yes?"

He bites his lips and scrunches his nose while his eyes creases, trying to prevent himself from crying. But there is no preventing the flood of tears that gushes out of his eyes nor is there any way to prevent the sob that lurches out of his body. He shakes so bad Jeongguk wants to hold him, cradle him, and care for him like he does with Minsu.

Instead of invading the boy’s privacy, Jeongguk stands there, keeps his distance. His lips forms into a deep frown, brows pulling down as he continues to watch the boy.

"D—Do you want some tissue?" Jeongguk stutters after a beat of silence.

He actually almost asks are you okay? but then erases that thought because it’s a stupid question to ask to someone who is crying his heart out. And so he says the next thing that forms in his stupid brain.

Tissue? Does he even have one?

Jeongguk scrambles to look for some packet of tissue in his backpack and sighs in relief when he finds a packet that he remembers getting while visiting Japan last week. The tissues that’s given by those people advertising religion on the streets do come in handy after all.

The boy keeps sobbing but he nods a few times, hiccuping and trying to say yes but really never managing it with how hard he’s crying. So Jeongguk takes one step, then another and another until he’s close enough to crouch down and give the boy a piece of tissue.

"Here," Jeongguk says, soft, a whisper.

"T—Th—Thank you," The boy whispers back, taking the tissue and plastering it on his face, pressing the harsh fabric on his eyelids, dampening it immediately.

"No… problem…" Jeongguk murmurs, worry painting his features.

The boy scrubs his face with the tissue until it rips at the ends and pieces of it is stuck on his wet cheeks. Jeongguk reaches out to pick one stuck on the tip of the boy’s nose but then he sees the wide eyes, red rimmed and his hand freezes, mere inches away from the boy’s face. Jeongguk gulps, retracts his hands, light blush rising on his cheeks.

"…sorry."

The boy hiccups, lips frowning, "I—It’s o—ok—okay." A slender hand shoots out, palm up, in front of Jeongguk. Jeongguk looks at it before the boy says, "M—More tissue puh—please."

Oh.

Jeongguk gives him the whole pack of tissue and watches the boy blow his nose on one, wipe his face with another, and rubs one on his eyes in which Jeongguk winces at how harsh he’s doing it.

A loud and deep breath is taken.

Like a heart being put back together. Like a soul taken back from the dead. Like an emotion being shut down and hidden.

Another breath inhaled; exhaled.

Jeongguk watches him, quiet, just there. For… comfort… or something. He doesn’t know why he’s there. The only thing he can think of is that he can’t leave someone so vulnerable, so alone out here, in this filthy back alley, crying their heart out with no one to lean on. At least, now that Jeongguk is here, the boy knows he can talk to him; that he has someone that he can ask for help. If he needs one.

Jeongguk swats away the thought of I hope he doesn’t need one because Jeongguk loves his peace, his silence and this— this scene, this thing, whatever is happening is far from the peace Jeongguk thrives to have in everyday of his life.

"Ahjussi."

Jeongguk blinks, "Uh, what?"

"Ahjussi?" The boy repeats, lips pouting. He looks like he’ll cry again so Jeongguk softens his face and voice.

Comforting Jeongguk. Be comforting, He tells himself.

"Thank you," The boy says.

Jeongguk expects a smile; that boxy and bright one he always sees through the café’s window but— but the boy doesn’t smile. Instead, he looks down, fidgeting with the remaining tissue he has in his hands. He doesn’t look as bright as that one windy day, carrying three or four bouquets, the sun shining down atop his head like a halo.

He looks so sad. So downtrodden. So… not him.

It throws Jeongguk off.

It’s like his world is being turned up-side-down.

He’s watched this man for weeks, even based a character on him. This boy inspired him and here he is, in front of Jeongguk, not even a glimpse of that happy boy he’s seen that one sunny day.

It bugs him.

Jeongguk’s Minsu and this Minsu is fucking up with his head.

And yet—

Jeongguk refuses to leave. Refuses to just up and go and leave the boy emitting sadness like it’s his default setting now. Like sadness is him and he is sadness.

He should be happiness.

It doesn’t make sense.

So Jeongguk blurts out,

"What happened?"

The boy looks up quickly, eyes wide. His lips starts trembling and his eyes starts to water and Jeongguk has never seen anyone cry as beautiful and at the same time as ugly as this man. It’s disconcerting.

"N—not—nothing. At all." He cries again, hands coming up to press his knuckles on his eyes, putting pressure like that would stop the waterworks from coming. It doesn’t. And Jeongguk feels like the biggest fucking asshole for making the boy cry again.

Fuck.

"Hey," Jeongguk starts. He throws hesitance to the wind and grasps the boys thin wrists. "Hey, hey. Don’t cry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ask. If you don’t want to answer, you don’t have to. You’re not obligated to do anything. Please stop crying." Jeongguk rambles, frantic.

He’s thankful they are in this dark filthy alley and not in a park or somewhere public because Jeongguk can only imagine the amount of pictures and gossip that would follow them—him—if he’s seen making an innocent boy cry. Even if it’s not his fault.

Jeongguk sighs.

Fuck.

"It’s—It’s not— your fault," the boy whimpers, biting his lower lip as he finally relents and allows Jeongguk to take his knuckles away from his eyes. They’re red once again, more puffy than before and Jeongguk can’t help but wipe the tears falling down the boy’s eyes, touch soft, careful.

"Sorry," Jeongguk apologises anyways. "Don’t cry. And never rub your eyes while crying," Jeongguk allows his lips to quirk up when the boy hiccups, tilts his head, sniffs loudly. "Rubbing your eyes while crying will only make it more puffy. And that’s hard to hide and even harder to pretend that you never cried."

"Oh," the other says.

"Hmm," Jeongguk hums.

"Um," the other starts, sniffs then continues, "why are you here, ahjussi?"

"Please," Jeongguk sighs, exasperation obvious in his tone. He lets go of the other’s wrists before he fixes his round glasses on his face. "I’m not that old. Call me Jeongguk or anything. Not ahjussi."

"Hmmkay," the man nods lightly, looking at Jeongguk like he doesn’t believe that Jeongguk is only twenty seven. Is it because of the beard? His hobo look when focusing on writing? His disregard for shaving the past two months? Is that it? "Then, call me Taehyung."

The boy smiles this time, small but genuine. His eyes still looks sad but there’s a spark in them now. The usual brightness that Jeongguk has seen him sport every time he’s seen him.

Taehyung.

"Okay, Taehyung-ssi," Jeongguk smiles. What’s wrong? He wants to ask but does not dare to. Instead he says, "Are you fine now?"

Taehyung gulps loudly and blinks his eyes, long lashes sticking together wetly, almost mesmerising. Jeongguk waits. He has all the time in the world. For now.

"I think—" Taehyung starts, pauses, and sighs, looking down before he continues, "I think I’m fine. I’m cool. Thank you, Jeongguk-ssi."

Jeongguk wants to pry so bad but it’s not his place to ask personal questions. He’s not his own character on his own novel and this is not Minsu. There’s a distinct difference between all of them but sometimes, it blurs— it blurs in Jeongguk’s mind and his brain whirls with plots and scenarios and—

They’re real.

"No problem, Taehyung-ssi," Jeongguk smiles then reaches up and ruffles Taehyung’s hair softly.

It’s a gentle gesture and Jeongguk only did it out of habit. His editor is also younger and when Jeongguk finds himself in the presence of people even one year younger than him, he goes into full on hyung mode. It’s instinct to care. Especially in this harsh life they all live in.

"Are you sure you’re fine now?" Jeongguk inquires, just to make sure. He worries.

Taehyung nods, plastering his boxy smile on his face and for a moment Jeongguk freezes, not ready for that smile to grace him this close.

"I’m sure I’m fine now, ahjussi," Taehyung teases like his eyes aren’t puffy and rimmed red.

Jeongguk rolls his eyes playfully before standing up. Now he hovers over the boy. He wonders if Taehyung’s legs aren’t numb from sitting crouched down on the ground for so long. He doesn’t inquire. He’s done enough.

"Whatever," Jeongguk makes a face as he runs a hand through his hair. "If you’re sure… I won’t bother you anymore."

"Hmm," Taehyung hums, head tilted to the side as he watches Jeongguk.

"Right," Jeongguk shuffles on his feet. "I hope you feel even better soon." He says, smiling, eyes creasing under his round glasses.

Taehyung’s lips draw into a thin but soft line. "I hope so too."

"Then," Jeongguk hoists his backpack on his shoulder. "I better get going." He looks at Taehyung. "Aren’t you?"

Taehyung shakes his head, hair following his movements. "Not yet. The trash around me is quite comforting."

Jeongguk cocks a brow and tacks in a last teasing retort, "Are you saying I’m trash?"

This time, Taehyung laughs, a genuine belly laugh that makes his eyes crease and his mouth part in a wide smile. Jeongguk smiles to himself. Feeling accomplished. He thinks, that’s more like it. Happiness fits you better.

Taehyung quietens his laugh into giggles. He answers with a wink, "Maybe. Maybe not."

Jeongguk grins at him, "Hmm, I’ll take that." Then he starts backing away, saying, "Taehyung, it was nice meeting you. I hope I meet you again but in a nicer way."

Taehyung smiles at him, replies, quiet, "Thank you, Jeongguk." He waves at Jeongguk’s back, whispers loud enough for Jeongguk to hear, "Really. You saved me."

Jeongguk counts today as some sort of a freak day.

It starts monotonous enough. Continues with little to none excitement. Followed by grievance in a smelly alley. And ending with a smile and a relieved heart.

Meeting Taehyung has made Jeongguk realise that what he’s been seeing for the past few weeks—the Taehyung that is always smiling and happy with flowers surrounding him—is the Taehyung that Taehyung wants everyone to see. He’s seen two facets of Taehyung. He wonders if there’s more.

Because his Minsu has only one face—one mode, one emotion, one everything—and maybe that’s the character’s flaw. Not having any diversity.

Jeongguk, while walking down the streets of Hongdae, heading to his place, promises to himself to re-evaluate Minsu’s character.

Not happy boy anymore.

Happiness is overrated anyways.

*

Poetically, everything that has happened to him has been decided by fate. Poetically, every pain he has felt until now is worth it because happiness always comes back.

Tiredly, his smile starts to falter. Grin so bright gradually dimming, like the moon giving way to the sun; like the sun being covered by clouds; like the world being washed by rain and thunder.

Lately, happiness fails to come back.

Jeongguk thinks of Taehyung the following days.

He can’t shake off the worry he’s felt since he left Taehyung in that dark alley. Thinking back now, he should’ve stayed or at least offered Taehyung dinner or something. At least that would have calmed his worries away.

But what’s done is done and Jeongguk has a life to live.

A novel to write.

Almost finished. He thinks as he sips on his third glass of iced cafe latte with extra caramel because there are days that bitter coffee makes bitter writing companion and today is one of those days.

Setting his glass down on the table, he looks out the window and hopes—secretly—to see Taehyung with another huge pile of bouquets on his arms. It has been days and Jeongguk has been visiting the café everyday, staying until five in the afternoon, when the card in front of the flower shop goes from OPEN to CLOSE.

Not a day has he seen Taehyung.

Taehyung feels like a dream right now. Or a product of Jeongguk’s overly active and dramatic imagination. It feels like he’s made Taehyung up just so he can divert his attention away from Minsu and back to his original main character. It’s a good tactic, if he says so himself.

But Taehyung is real. Right?

Jeongguk goes to stroke his beard but then realises at the last minute, already stroking air, that he has dropped the hobo look for a neater one. It has become harder to eat with such a long beard on his face and so he shaves off everything. Now he looks like his age. He hopes.

He’s about to start writing once again, fingers tingling with the need to type out the scene swirling in his mind, when a plastic cup is slammed on the table and a body plops down heavily on the chair opposite him.

Uh.

Jeongguk sighs. What now?

"Ahjussi."

Jeongguk’s head snaps up so fast he almost gets a whiplash. Alternatively, he finally manages to crack that annoying stiffness out of his neck, on the right side. So, it’s a win-win.

"T—Taehyung?" Jeongguk stutters and blushes like the pre-pubescent kid that he is not. Yikes.

Taehyung giggles and takes a sip from his smoothie. It’s strawberry, Jeongguk notices. That’s so… cute.

"Hello, Jeongguk-ssi," Taehyung greets, waving his hand cutely. "How are you this fine day?"

Jeongguk furrows his brows, stares at Taehyung for a moment before diverting his gaze to the outside world. It’s cloudy and windy and people are hurrying to get inside to find some shelter from the unexpected cold and even more unexpected light rain. Jeongguk furrows his brows deeper and looks back at Taehyung. Here Taehyung is, with his cold ass strawberry smoothie and his hair curled just so that it frames his face handsomely and his aura just so— bright. Positive.

It’s a contrast from the way Jeongguk found him last week; crying his eyes out and losing breath.

Jeongguk frowns, just a little bit confused.

"It’s drizzling," Jeongguk says, tone deadpan.

Taehyung hums, nodding his head, "That’s right! Ah, but still. It is a fine day, right?"

Jeongguk shrugs his shoulders, "If this is your definition of a fine day, Taehyung, then so be it."

Taehyung sticks his tongue out at Jeongguk, acting so familiar with him already. It’s baffling and yet— it warms Jeongguk’s insides.

"You’re such a killjoy, ahjussi." Taehyung says, petulant. "I just finished my exams, if you must know and that’s why it’s a fine day! This smoothie? My treat for studying and hopefully acing all my courses. Don’t you think I deserve to rejoice?"

Taehyung rants like a kid. He is so expressive with his words; gesturing with his hands, widening his eyes for effects, moving his shoulders here and there. Jeongguk is fascinated.

"Oh, you’re studying still?" Jeongguk asks in surprise. But why is he even surprised? Just because he graduated already and given up the dream to get his Masters, he shouldn’t assume that any adult—young adult—he meets is finished with school. In fact, he should expect it from more people because having no education in this country is taboo. Huh.

Jeongguk thinks he’s really getting old if he’s forgetting that simple piece of annoying information.

"Yepp," Taehyung answers, popping the p at the end loudly. "First year of Art Management and I barely survived. It’s cool though, I learned a lot and it’s for my future so," He shrugs like what he’s doing is nothing; a piece of cake.

Jeongguk has never heard of Art Management before. What do they even do? Clean sculptures and wipe dusts from paintings? Jeongguk has nil idea.

So he says, in dumb, "Huh."

Taehyung rolls his eyes and stares at Jeongguk with determination, "You don’t even know what we do right? For your information, ahjussi, we learn finance and management while a naked man stands in front of us, ready to be painted but just useless inconvenience in my opinion. We learn to market the nude man— I mean, paintings and this is only the tip of the iceberg! We also learn to auction said nude m— I mean paintings—"

"You’re just fucking with me, aren’t you?" Jeongguk cocks a brow, interrupting Taehyung’s flawless act. "You really don’t learn finance while a nude man is standing in front of you."

Taehyung huffs, "Hmpf, not really. But I did paint a nude man before. Gave him a small dick too." He giggles, mischievous and teasing.

"Very professional, Taehyung," Jeongguk says, closing his laptop and saving finishing his novel for later. For now, he’s got a good companion who talks like he’s known Jeongguk forever and not just a few hours.

"He deserved it!" Taehyung exclaims, pouting playfully. "He was cocky and made a comment about how we art students would get nowhere in life. As if being nude in front of people would get him somewhere in life? Ha! No offence to pornstars though. I respect those people. But anyways, I gave him a small dick and had that painting hanged on a wall on our mini exhibition. Everyone loved it."

"The dick?"

"The painting," Taehyung answers immediately. "But also the dick."

Jeongguk laughs, amused by their conversation. He’s never met a man so… open and funny and sarcastic as Taehyung is. He’s amazing.

"I guess it’s safe to say that everyone likes dick, huh?" Jeongguk shakes his head, giggling just a little.

"Very much so," Taehyung grins and sips his strawberry smoothie just a tad bit proudly.

He’s adorable.

"So…" Taehyung starts after finishing his smoothie and getting the last drops from his straw. "What do you do, ahjussi?"

"First of all, stop calling me that. I’m not that old," Jeongguk says, voice scolding. Taehyung huffs and rolls his eyes. Brat. "Second, why should I tell you? And third, that’s my pen you are biting into." Jeongguk tacks in the last one when Taehyung discards his empty cup of smoothie and starts to nibble on Jeongguk’s pen.

At Jeongguk’s last words, Taehyung stops nibbling on the pen. Slowly, he takes it out of his mouth then starts wiping the spit on it on his shirt with a bashful expression on his face, light blush painting his cheeks.

"Then," Taehyung starts, playing with the pen now. "How old are you? And you should tell me because I told you my life story! And you saw me cry. It’s only fair."

Not really, Jeongguk thinks.

First of all, he didn’t plan to see Taehyung cry. Second, Taehyung told him his so called life story willingly, without any serious prompting. Third, well, Jeongguk’s life is fucking boring. Nothing happens except writing and waiting for his beard to grow long enough—it takes two to three months, ugh—so he can braid it when he’s struggling with a scene.

Jeongguk does not tell Taehyung those because in some fucked up way, he wants to give back. It’s new for him, to share something about himself to a stranger. But Taehyung is not a stranger isn’t he? Jeongguk has been watching him, not creepily, for weeks now, perhaps a month. Taehyung is not a stranger. He feels familiar to Jeongguk. He feels close.

But maybe it’s because of Minsu.

Jeongguk chooses not to dwell much on that topic.

He looks at Taehyung; studies him for a beat, for a brief second that quickly passes before he shrugs his shoulders and says,

"I’m twenty seven and I write."

Taehyung nods and hums, putting his elbow on the table and leaning his chin on his palm. Jeongguk keeps quiet just to tease and Taehyung waits— Taehyung waits until it become stoo long that his patience runs out.

"That’s it?" Taehyung pouts, scrunches his nose. "Tell me more, ahjussi!"

"If you stop calling me ahjussi and start calling me hyung, then I will," Jeongguk retaliates, small smirk on his lips.

Taehyung huffs, like a bratty child, which Jeongguk finds funny and adorable enough.

"Fine, hyung," Taehyung makes a face, adds, "Anyway, it fits your…" he gestures to Jeongguk with his hands wildly. Jeongguk cocks a brow. Taehyung stutters, "F—fits your face now."

"Oh?" Jeongguk teases, "How so?"

Taehyung’s cheeks blooms into a blush. He’s fucking cute.

"W—Well, you shaved," He starts. "And! Y—You look like a bunny!"

Jeongguk laughs, amused, "Is it because of my bunny teeth?"

Taehyung gets over being flustered and nods enthusiastically, "Definitely!"

"Then I’m cute?" Jeongguk blurts out and then blushes because isn’t this what people call flirting?

Oh my god.

"I guess," Taehyung sighs, like it pains him to admit that Jeongguk is cute.

Jeongguk giggles, "You’re cute too, Taehyungie."

"Oh." Taehyung blushes deeply.

Jeongguk watches him, willing his own blush to subside. He doesn’t know what he is doing. This is new for him. Jeongguk has not interacted with someone like this for years. Except Namjoon. But Namjoon is Jeongguk’s first crush and first rejection turned into first best friend and first person that he goes to whenever something wrong happens.

Taehyung is different.

Taehyung is an enigma. The happy boy turned into Minsu. Jeongguk’s Minsu turned into the boy he comforted in a filthy alley. And from crying boy turned into this charming person sitting in front of him and has him flirting without even noticing it.

It throws Jeongguk off guard.

Jeongguk is about to excuse himself; tell Taehyung that he’s got an appointment or something when someone bulldozes Taehyung from the side and hugs him close; the kind of hug that is suffocating but also so comfortable. In a not kinky way.

"My baby!" The man exclaims.

Jeongguk looks at him and finds a man, probably Taehyung’s age, with soft cheeks and black hair. He’s ruffling Taehyung’s hair and Taehyung is whining at him and it’s the kind of scene Jeongguk does not want to be a part of.

"Jiminie," Taehyung whines but still hugs the other boy. "Stop ruining my hair."

Jimin laughs and it’s tinkling. He’s as charming as Taehyung.

"Can’t help it. You need to deep condition your hair soon. It’s too dry," Jimin says, running his hand through Taehyung’s blonde hair.

It doesn’t look dry but what does Jeongguk know about hair? He has only dyed his hair once and that’s to an even darker tone, not lighter. His hair has never experienced any trauma like bleaching.

"Shut up," Taehyung pinches Jimin’s cheeks then turns to Jeongguk and beams widely. Jeongguk almost squints. Too bright. "Gukkie," Gukkie? What happened to hyung? Or ahjussi? "This is Jimin, my soulmate, my ride or die, the bail to my jail, the friend to my best, the small to my tall."

"Bitch," Jimin says but fondly.

Jeongguk has never heard bitch uttered so fondly or lovingly. Huh.

Jeongguk blinks, shakes his head a little, then smiles at Jimin, reaching his hand out for a shake. "Hi, Jimin-ssi. I’m Jeongguk. Nice to meet you."

Jimin shakes his hand as he smiles back at him, eyes creasing; smiling. "Nice to meet you too, Jeongguk-ssi. Sorry for bothering but I’ve been looking for Taehyung for hours now. He’s late for our friday movie marathon," He directs the last statement to Taehyung, glaring playfully.

Jeongguk stares at him before looking at his watch and finding out it’s been over an hour he’s sat there with Taehyung, just talking about useless things. Wow.

"Wow," he says, surprised. "Didn’t know it’s this late already."

"Me too!" Taehyung exclaims and turns puppy eyes to Jeongguk. "I’m so sorry, Gukkie-hyung. I didn’t mean to waste your time by blabbering and bothering you for so long."

"Oh, my baby," Jimin coos and rubs Taehyung’s cheeks.

Jeongguk shakes his head and smiles at Taehyung. "Don’t apologise, Taehyung-ssi. I enjoyed our time together."

"Hmpf," Taehyung huffs and Jeongguk looks at him, confused. "Stop calling me so formally, ahjussi. Call me TaeTae!"

"Ahjussi?" Jimin asks, cocking a brow. There’s a mischievous glint in his eyes now that only Jeongguk notices. Taehyung nods, humming in affirmation. "Is this the hobo ahjussi that gave you his tissue that night you—"

"Ah! Whoa! Jimin!" Taehyung shouts loudly, blush creeping up his cheeks.

"Hobo ahjussi?" Jeongguk teases the boy. "I mean, I was totally going for that look but—" Jeongguk chuckles, shaking his head. "Being describe as it is different."

"That’s not the worst though. This bitch here," Jimin prods Taehyung’s cheek softly. Taehyung moans in faux agonised pain. "Had the audacity to say that ahjussi would totally look very handsome if he shaved all that hair! and I mean, he’s not wrong." Jimin finishes his tale and winks at Jeongguk conspiratorially, like they are accomplices in making Taehyung as flustered as can be.

Taehyung is covering his face with his hands now. His ears though, tells everything; red and blushing and he’s just too adorable.

"Cute," Jeongguk blurts out unexpectedly.

Stupid mouth.

Jimin giggles, "Right?" Then his eyes turns sharp. "What’s your intention of befriending Taehyung?"

"Oh my god, Jimin!" Taehyung exclaims, exasperated and embarrassed.

"Me?" Jeongguk points at himself, brows furrowed.

"Yes, you." Jimin points at him, brow raising, making him look a tad bit intimidating.

"Nothing really," Jeongguk frowns as he answers, thinking of how it’s been so easy to talk to Taehyung; like old friends meeting again after years of no communication. After thinking about this, he adds, "But it would be lovely to be Taehyung-ssi’s friend. If he agrees."

Taehyung stares at Jeongguk intensely, his lips pulling into a thin line. The silence is long and neither Jimin nor Jeongguk wants to interrupt Taehyung’s train of thoughts. To other people, offering friendship or asking for it seems like stupid but Jeongguk is not other people. He likes to know if he’s well liked enough to be considered a friend or if he’s just an acquaintance kind of guy to them. It’s better to be clear where he stands and where he should draw the line.

Better to be rejected now than later.

"Hyung," Taehyung finally says. "You’re so stupid. We’re already friends! You don’t have to ask. The moment you comforted me in that alley… It was more than what a normal friend has done to me. Jimin is an exception. He babies me," Taehyung says and Jimin snorts, muttering a quiet, you’re a baby. Taehyung continues, "You were there for me and even though I didn’t know you then, your presence was more than enough. That night… I felt so alone but then you came and I’m not as poetic as you or anyone out there but you really saved me just by you being there. And I thank you for that."

If this was a story, then that would have been a love confession. B character would have replied like you saved me too and you mean so much to me and A character would have stated an i love you with the happy ending font appearing in front of their faces because who does not love fairytales?

But this is not a fairytale and Jeongguk is not a prince or a protagonist nor is Taehyung the prince or a damsel in distress even though he was in distress when they met. This is not a fairytale. Nor is it a novel. Not a romantic story. Just real life imitating art. But better.

So much better.

Jeongguk feels like a burden has been lifted off his shoulders. Taehyung is genuine; smile genuine, eyes genuine, everything about him screams genuine and no ounce or cell on his body is able to deceive anyone. He’s the kind of person that deserves all the good things in the world but is instead thrown rocks and hardships by destiny.

It’s a paradox, a big question mark.

Jeongguk would love to give fate a big fuck you for giving innocent people pain instead of happiness.

"See? Baby," Jimin states after Taehyung’s emotional rant.

Jeongguk giggles, smile wide. He’s kind of happy to gain another friend despite all the circumstances and how they have gotten here. The most important thing is that they are here.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

"Indeed," Jeongguk agrees with a huge smile. "Baby."

Taehyung whines and pouts further punctuating the fact that he is, indeed, baby.

"You two suck," Taehyung huffs, playful.

"But you adore us," Jimin states and grins at Jeongguk. "If Taehyung thinks you’re fine, then I guess, we’ll be friends too, huh?"

Jeongguk blinks at Jimin and grins back, nodding, "Thank you."

"Now," Jimin starts and pinches Taehyung’s cheeks until Taehyung starts to moan in pain. "Let’s go have our movie marathon. You’re buying our food and I want two boxes of spicy chicken."

"Jiminie!" Taehyung cries, sniffing playfully. "You know I hate spicy food!"

Jeongguk watches them banter and it’s a breath of fresh air because Namjoon and him are close as brothers now but they never act like this. He’s a bit envious but Jeongguk thinks where Namjoon and him stands now is where they’re supposed to be.

"Fine," Jimin hums, considering. "Then you buy two boxes of spicy and one normal."

"But I don’t have money!"

"Yes, you do."

"I thought I’m your baby!"

"You are but with money."

"Chim!"

"TaeTae."

Jeongguk bursts out laughing and that makes Taehyung and Jimin look at him. They are so… funny. Like little kids. After a very small consideration, Jeongguk decides that they are exactly that. Little kids. Or brats. Both.

"Kids," Jeongguk says, chuckling still. "Shall I treat you?"

Jimin looks at Jeongguk suspiciously. "Money can’t buy you friendship."

Jeongguk squints and smiles. He knows that better than anyone.

"It’s okay, Gukkie. We were just bluffing," Taehyung says, softly.

"I know," Jeongguk tells them. "But I have money and you two are broke university students, aren’t you?" He cocks a brow and Jimin huffs.

"Whatever," Jimin makes a face and offers a palm out towards Jeongguk. "Give it here."

Jeongguk raises a brow at Jimin’s palm then laughs, shaking his head.

"Chim," Taehyung gasps and tries to push Jimin out of the booth but Jimin does not budge until Jeongguk produces a fifty thousand won bill and puts it on Jimin’s hand.

"There," Jeongguk rolls his eyes. "Pay me whenever."

"Not happening," Jimin answers, haughty.

"We will," Taehyung exclaims, looking at the money on Jimin’s hand then to Jeongguk. "Are you trying to be our sugar daddy because if you are, you can only choose one and it has to be me! I met you first!"

Jeongguk chokes on air and Jimin literally falls out of the chair from laughing so hard. Taehyung pouts his lips and stares at the both of them for a moment but then he laughs too and Jeongguk joins them after he recovers from choking on literally nothing.

This friendship is shaping up to be one of his best yet.

"Sugar— daddy—" Jimin gasps out in between laughters. "You can… have him…" He laughs for a few minutes more before calming down.

Jeongguk is amused. The once intimidating person who babies his best friend is now having a hard time recovering from laughing.

"Right," Taehyung pinches Jimin’s side. "You better not forget to pay, Gukkie-hyung."

"Eh," Jimin looks at Jeongguk, assesses him carefully, stares at his watch, and says, "He’s rich. He doesn’t need anymore money, TaeTae. Fuck capitalism."

"Agree," Jeongguk nods.

Taehyung sighs in defeat, "Fine. But let me treat you later for doing this for us. Okay, hyung?"

Jeongguk is more than okay with the prospect of hanging out with Taehyung again so he nods, hums in affirmation.

"Sure."

Jeongguk thinks new friendships are precious.

It’s been so long.

It’s nice.

So nice.

*  

Love is a two way street. It comes then it goes.

The happiest he has been was with him. The happiest he has been was with her.

Love is a one way street. It comes and it stays and it breaks.

"Hyung."

Namjoon looks up at him, glasses falling on his nose. He pushes it back and Jeongguk finds him adorable in his tired state.

"I brought food," Jeongguk says as he enters the room further, papers scattered on the kitchen island where Namjoon always grades his papers or reviews his lectures.

Namjoon smiles at him, shoulders sagging as if relieved and tired at the same time. He probably is. After all, exam time has just started and everything has to be reviewed and graded and the cycle repeats, goes on and on. That’s the life of a professor, Jeongguk thinks. He’s glad he’s a writer.

"Thank you, Gukk," Namjoon says, rubs his eyes under his glasses then opens his arms wide after Jeongguk has put the plastic bags on the countertop.

Jeongguk smiles and hugs Namjoon tightly, burying his face on his neck, breathing in deeply before he lets go.

It’s a tradition. A hug from whoever visits each other’s place. Or when they meet.

It’s also the only time Jeongguk realises that whatever feelings he had before for Namjoon has completely disappeared. Moving on is a chore but with time, it’s doable. Jeongguk can attest to that.

"Tell me you’ve eaten something today," Jeongguk says, worry lining his features.

"I’ve eaten something today," Namjoon retaliates, a tired grin forming on his face.

Jeongguk rolls his eyes at him, "Liar."

Namjoon shrugs, "You’re the one who told me to say that. You didn’t say anything about lying."

"Tsk, tsk." Jeongguk clicks his tongue as he unravels everything he’s bought from that one place that almost has everything that he and Namjoon likes. "Work later, food now."

"Aye, sir."

Silence wraps around them as they eat. The only sounds heard in the room is their chewing and chopsticks clinking against plates. Jeongguk savours the taste of tteokbokki and gimbap while Namjoon shoves pieces of meat and rice down his throat. Is he even chewing? How long hasn’t he eaten?

Jeongguk and Namjoon are both disasters. Both work tirelessly and endlessly causing for some starvations and dehydrations that honestly worries both of them. It’s not like they do it intentionally. It’s just what they are; chaotic since middle school.

A while passes before Jeongguk is full enough to talk. So he asks,

"How’s uni, hyung?"

Namjoon is mid-chew and Jeongguk waits for him to swallow his food before he replies,

"Stressfull. Underpaid. Unhealthy."

Jeongguk frowns, "You know, you could always—" he gestures wildly, hands hitting an empty bottle of water. They freeze and listen to it hit the floor before they ignore it and continues with their conversation. "You could always quit this job. God knows you’re qualified enough to find a new one in a better paying university. Or you could demand a pay raise because you’re one of their best professors and—"

"Gukk," Namjoon interrupts, smiling fondly at Jeongguk. "I won’t. I love this job. Maybe in a few years but I’m pretty attached with my students and my co-workers. I’m happy here."

Jeongguk looks at him, sceptical, "Are you really?"

Namjoon nods, genuine, "I am." He then squints his eyes at Jeongguk, asks, "Are you?"

"Am I what?" Jeongguk asks, head tilting to the side.

"Happy." Namjoon says. "Are you happy where you are?"

Jeongguk then smiles at him, all sweet and happy and—

"I am. Right now, I am."

"Hmm," Namjoon hums, studying him. "Right now? Something good happened?"

Jeongguk nods, setting his chopsticks down, "Remember Minsu?" Namjoon nods. Jeongguk continues, "I met him."

"Jeongguk," Namjoon furrows his brows, eyes suddenly worried. "Minsu is a character. How could you have met him? Are you finally going crazy? Hallucinations? Are you taking drugs? Is that it?"

A loud laugh bursts out of Jeongguk. Namjoon startles, blinking at Jeongguk’s laughing form. It’s always a nice sight to see Jeongguk laughing. It makes Namjoon happy and relieved.

"First of all, hyung, I’m not taking drugs. Anymore." Jeongguk cocks his brows at Namjoon when Namjoon opens his mouth. He closes it back. "Second, remember when I said Minsu is inspired by someone? The flower boy across the café I frequent to?"

Namjoon nods then gasps out an, "Oh! That guy."

"Yepp, that guy. Met him in an alley last week and met him again in the café this week. Funny how fate works, huh?" Jeongguk tells him, more willing to tell Namjoon the story than he thought he would be.

"Yeah… funny how it works," Namjoon agrees. "But that’s not enough to make you this… happy. Something else happened."

"Yeah," Jeongguk agrees and starts telling Namjoon the happenings that went on in the café, the day Taehyung and Jimin sat in front of him and bantered like old couple. It’s a good memory to recollect and Jeongguk can’t help but plaster a fond smile on his face the whole time he’s telling Namjoon the story.

"Sugar daddy?" Namjoon laughs.

"I know, right? I didn’t expect that at all from him but here we are," Jeongguk chuckles. "It was funny."

"Well, you definitely acted like it," Namjoon teases. "With the amount of royalties you get from your book, you definitely can be his sugar daddy."

"It’s a one hit wonder, that book. Not happening again. Especially with this new one," Jeongguk states, shrugging his shoulders.

Namjoon flicks Jeongguk’s forehead, earning him a loud ouch! and a pout from Jeongguk.

"Don’t ever underestimate your talents like that. Your book is amazing and this new one, from the draft that you sent me, is even better. Yeongseo and Subin, even Minsu are amazing. You portray your characters as humanly as possible. You give them imperfections and flaws in the midst of all the good that they are. They’re your children and you should respect them."

Jeongguk is silent after Namjoon’s scolding. He thinks of all the times he’s deleted a scene ctrl + z because it wasn’t enough. But he also thinks of all the times he deleted a scene because it’s too complicated—the characters flawed like he is and people doesn’t normally like to see reality reflected in literature—only to hit ctrl + shift + z because reality and literature should reflect each other. Humanity shouldn’t escape complications and imperfections, we should learn to accept them.

And maybe that’s why Jeongguk is so.. serene. A calm person in most days. An accepting guy that likes to drink his coffee alone. A man who only had one close friend and thought it was enough which it definitely was.

"Okay," Jeongguk says, takes a deep breath. "Okay. Thank you, hyung. I needed that. I was just—" He sighs, "Minsu is too different from Taehyung. That’s the guy, Taehyung. Minsu is not even half of him. He’s so much better and it’s… I want that in Minsu."

"Gukk, you cannot, not ever, put a whole person’s everything; their entire personality and being, on paper. People change and this Taehyung guy probably is as human as one can be. From what you told me, he’s pretty complicated. You cannot pen that. Minsu is Minsu. And Taehyung is Taehyung."

"Yeah," Jeongguk admits, looking down and fiddling with the hem of his shirt. "It’s just Taehyung is amazing. He even texts like he talks! How is that possible?"

"Do you have a crush on him?" Namjoon asks, blunt.

Jeongguk whips his head up, eyes widening as he stares at Namjoon like Namjoon has dropped a bomb in front of him. Which, metaphorically, he did.

"I— what— crush— what? Hyung?"

If Jeongguk was in the Sims game, he’d have multiple of question marks on top of his head because that’s literally what he is feeling right now. Multiple question marks plus exclamation marks dot dot dot.

Namjoon laughs at his face. But it is not funny. How dare he accuse Jeongguk of crushing on someone that Jeongguk has just met and become friends with?

"What the fuck?"

"Hey, Gukk, chill. I’m just asking," Namjoon giggles then clears his throat when Jeongguk glares at him. "You’re so obsessed with making Minsu like him and you keep on saying he’s amazing. I was just thinking… maybe you have a crush on him but hey, you don’t have to confirm it right now. Take your time."

"Why are you saying that like I’ll wake up tomorrow and realise that I actually have a crush on Taehyung and writing Minsu is just me projecting my affection for the real one towards the fake one. What are you saying, Rap Monster?"

"Hey, hey. Why are you digging up my past? Let’s leave that shit where it belongs, in the past," Namjoon cringes at the nickname Jeongguk has called him, embarrassed at the name he used in high school when he thought rapping was his future. Jeongguk smirks because exactly, that’s what Jeongguk is feeling right now, embarrassed at the thought of having a crush on Taehyung.

He does not have a crush.

"I do not have a crush on Taehyung and how did this conversation go from sugar daddy to me having crushes? I don’t have time for crushes right now. My editor has been bombarding my phone with calls and texts to finish this novel. I’m busy."

Namjoon smiles at him and ruffles his hair, like he’s just humouring Jeongguk.

"Whatever you say, Gukk. Whatever you say."

"Hmpf. You’ll see," Jeongguk huffs.

"I will."

to namu:
05:36
i do have a crush on taehyung.

to gukk:
08:01
told you.
how did you find out, lol

to namu:
10:12
we facetimed last night and he did this weird thing where he puts his hand on his cheek to make a half heart and
he was just so cute, hyung
he’s so cute

to gukk:
13:05
huh. whipped.

to namu:
16:48
thanks ㅠㅠ

*

"I love you and I’ll love you until the world stops spinning and my mind stops thinking about you."

The revelation of his feelings for Taehyung makes Jeongguk nervous.

Nervous and afraid.

Other than that, life goes on. Jeongguk continues writing his novel; he’s on his last chapter, where Yeongseo—the main character—is running back to Subin—his lover. He’s finally ending this sad story after almost a year of working on it and it makes Jeongguk feel accomplished yet melancholic at the same time. Romantic stories with a happy ending always are so… unrealistic, and so Jeongguk has promised himself to never write a happy ending. Happy endings are not ever after. Sad endings are.

Maybe it reflects his real life.

Maybe not.

to gukkie:
14:15
where are you!!!!!!!!!!

to taehyung:
14:15
im here.

"Gukkie!" Taehyung exclaims, almost dropping the vase he’s holding from how excited he is in seeing Jeongguk.

At the last minute, Seokjin, the owner of the flower shop—and someone whom Jeongguk already knows due to coming over every year to buy his mother flowers every time she visits him—saves the vase with the pretty flower combination from Taehyung by snatching it rather harshly. He rolls his eyes at Taehyung’s excitement. He’s used to this.

"Tae," Jeongguk gasps out before a huge weight is dropped on him and legs and arms are wrapped around his body. He holds Taehyung’s weight with just a bit of difficulty, having not hit the gym for months. He’s gotten weak.

"Gukk-hyung," Taehyung squeezes Jeongguk’s neck. "I kind of missed you."

"Uh," Jeongguk tries to say but he’s literally suffocating on Taehyung’s chest and he’s concentrating in not dropping Taehyung’s ass on the ground. He grunts, "Miss you too."

Finally, Taehyung jumps off of him and grabs his hand, pulling him towards where Seokjin is arranging another beautiful bouquet of flowers. Jeongguk admires Seokjin for his patience and his creativity in making all these bouquets that probably just goes to waste at the end of the day. Sometimes, he gets the urge to buy a bouquet just because they are so pretty and it is a crime to not buy them but then he realises they will probably just die after a day in his gloomy apartment. Jeongguk is the neglectful kind of person. He can’t own a plant because he’ll just forget about it.

Sometimes, his neglect extends to his friends and family. But he’s getting good at contacting them; making sure they know he thinks of them, that they are not forgotten.

"Seokjin-hyung," Taehyung smiles at Seokjin and Seokjin sighs.

"Yes, TaeTae?" Seokjin looks at their hands and Jeongguk blushes while Taehyung remains oblivious.

"Can I go home now?" Taehyung pouts at Seokjin and looks at the older man with puppy eyes.

That is unfair because Jeongguk knows first hand that it is hard to say no to Taehyung when he pulls that face. Poor Seokjin.

The older man rolls his eyes at the younger, clips another flower’s stem and sticks it carefully in the middle of the bouquet he’s arranging.

"Going on a date with Jeongguk again?" Seokjin teases and Jeongguk blushes while Taehyung sputters, face reddening quickly.

"No!" Taehyung denies, letting go of Jeongguk’s hand. "We’re gonna go buy Jiminie his birthday gift and cake. Hoseok-hyung is distracting him right now so we can decorate my place."

Seokjin smiles at him, "Ah, okay then. You should have said so earlier. Go buy Jimin’s birthday cake."

"We will," Taehyung nods enthusiastically then excuses himself, disappearing for a moment to discard his apron and get his jacket from the backroom.

Meanwhile, Seokjin stares at Jeongguk and Jeongguk is trying to avoid his gaze but fuck it’s impossible because Seokjin’s stare is pretty intense and Jeongguk is weak.

Exasperated, Jeongguk meets Seokjin’s gaze and asks, "What?"

"You like him," Seokjin states like the obvious. Grass is green, sky is blue, Jeongguk is whipped.

"I do," Jeongguk admits without any denial because what’s the use of denying? None, that’s what.

"Are you going to do anything about it?" Seokjin asks further, wrapping the bouquet he’s working on with a pink plastic wrapper. It’s beautiful.

Jeongguk stays silent because— he does not know.

Should he ruin the friendship Taehyung has offered him just because he falls too easily?

Should he risk it all, jump off the bridge, and expect for Taehyung to catch him after he confessed that he fell?

So many questions, only Taehyung can answer them all.

So Jeongguk remains silent.

"I’m ready!" Taehyung comes back skipping with his boxy grin plastered on his face. "Let’s go, Gukk-hyung. Bye, Seokjin-hyung!"

"Bye, Tae. Bye, Jeongguk. Tell Jimin happy birthday from me," Seokjin says, waving his hand to them.

Jeongguk smiles at him, waves lightly as he follows Taehyung out the flower shop.

Jimin’s birthday party is a success.

They spend it in Taehyung and Jimin’s shared apartment. It’s a quaint two bedroom apartment in Gwanak District, close to their university. There are only five of them who celebrated the birthday, which, according to Jimin, is plenty enough for their tiny apartment. That evening Jeongguk meets two new people who made him feel accepted and welcomed. Hoseok is Jimin’s university friend whom he busks with in Hongdae every other weekend. Jeongguk also meets Yoongi who looks intimidating at first but really is just a misunderstood softy. He’s apparently Taehyung’s childhood friend and a self-proclaimed adopted big brother. It’s cute.

Everyone’s relationship is cute and Jeongguk can’t help but think what if Namjoon was here too? It would have been more fun, Jeongguk can just picture all the fun and embarrassing things that all of them would have talked about.

Half past eleven, most of them are tipsy. Cheap soju bottles littering the floor as they listen to music and bask in each others presence. Jeongguk can’t remember the last time he’s gone to a party. Or has drank with anyone other than Namjoon or because of work. Maybe university? Maybe.

"Gukkie," Taehyung coos, pinching Jeongguk’s cheeks.

"Tae," Jeongguk turns to him, cheeks still stretched.

"You’re so cute," Taehyung says, giggling.

Jeongguk giggles with him, "Thanks. You’re way cuter."

"Really?" Taehyung blinks at Jeongguk, looking more tipsy than any of them in the room.

"Mhm," Jeongguk nods, watching Taehyung’s eyes flutter softly. "You’re drunk, aren’t you?"

"No," Taehyung pouts. "I’m just— just a little— tipsy?"

Jeongguk laughs and ruffles Taehyung’s hair. He slides his hand from Taehyung’s hair to Taehyung’s cheeks, cupping it softly, patting gently.

"You’re drunk," Jeongguk says, soft, quiet.

It feels like they’re alone. Jeongguk knows they are not but—

It feels like they’re the only people in this room.

It’s nerve-wracking.

"Hmpf," Taehyung shrugs his shoulders carelessly. "Maybe so… but, I’m saying the truth. You’re cute."

"I know, Tae," Jeongguk replies and continues to pat Taehyung’s cheek.

He allows his hands to rub soothing circles on Taehyung’s soft skin until Taehyung grabs his wrist, turns his head, and presses a soft kiss on his palm.

"I like you," Taehyung murmurs, eyes shut, like he’s falling asleep.

Jeongguk feels like someone poured a bucket of cold water on him, the words sobering him like a slap to the face.

Did he hear wrong? Or does Taehyung mean like as in a friend? Or—

Questions that are left unanswered because Taehyung has fallen asleep on Jeongguk’s hand, body finally slumping forward and head falling on Jeongguk’s chest.

Jeongguk can feel his heart beat faster, thrumming and humming and—

He breathes in, breathes out.

He doesn’t hope.

—he does.

* 

He knew it’s wrong; like how it’s wrong to steal, like how it’s wrong to kill, like how it’s illegal to feel this way.

Minsu knows it’s wrong.

He falls for Yeongseo anyways.

It’s been months since that evening and Jeongguk continues to pretend like he doesn’t feel air pressing down on him; like his throat doesn’t close up every time Taehyung is in front of him; like his heart doesn’t want to jump out of his chest whenever Taehyung hugs him tightly.

It feels like he’s a middle schooler again, unrequited love hidden in the deepest part of his heart.

Taehyung does not saying anything about it. He probably does not remember saying it, and so Jeongguk pretends to not remember it either.

It’s another type of dumbassery.

"Hyung," Jeongguk says, box of banana milk on his hand.

Namjoon looks at him, sipping on his iced americano.

"Gukk."

"I don’t know what to do," Jeongguk confesses, sipping the rest of his banana milk like he’s chugging a pint of beer. He wishes he’s chugging a liter of beer.

"Confess. It’s that easy," Namjoon says, unhelpfully.

"You’re useless," Jeongguk comments and steals Namjoon’s iced americano and downs that too, leaving Namjoon with his cinnamon bun without anything to wash it away.

"You are useless. You just stole my coffee and being an annoying little shit," Namjoon tells him, clicking his tongue when Jeongguk glares at him. "Why are you so scared? Just tell the guy. Worst case scenario, he rejects you. Best case scenario, you fuck your muse."

"Uh?!" Jeongguk sputters. "I’m not gonna fuck him." Namjoon cocks a brow and Jeongguk sighs in defeat, "Fine, I do want to but— rejection. Like— Like— you…"

"Jeongguk," Namjoon starts. Jeongguk keeps his gaze down on his fiddling fingers. "It’s been more than a decade. You confessed to me when we were young. We know better now. We’re better people now and we don’t even like each other like that anymore."

"Yeah," Jeongguk says. "But what if you didn’t reject me? Would I have fallen in love with Taehyung still? Would I have left you because of Taehyung? Would I have—"

"You wouldn’t have done anything of those because I rejected you and you’re in love with Taehyung now." Namjoon states, grabs Jeongguk’s hands and intertwines his own with Jeongguk’s shaking ones. "I haven’t met Taehyung yet but he sounds like the nicest guy. Nicer than me. And braver than me, probably. I don’t think he’d reject you for a petty reason like i’m straight and i don’t like boys. He’s not me."

Jeongguk squeezes Namjoon’s hand.

"You’re the best best friend that I could ask for," Jeongguk says, puts his head down on their intertwined hands, like he’s trying to gain strength from their friendship. "Okay," he inhales. "I’ll tell him."

Namjoon smiles at him, squeezes his hands as tight as he can, "That’s my Gukk-ah."

Jeongguk smiles at him, bunny teeth on full show.

"Thank you, hyung."

Jeongguk couldn’t confess fast enough.

Everything is a whirlwind and it is hard to keep up.

Taehyung is a storm; fucking up everything that Jeongguk has planned carefully.

It happens in a cold late autumn evening, in Taehyung and Jimin’s tiny apartment, where the heater doesn’t even work properly and the both of them have to cuddle together under two duvets just so they can keep their bodies warm.

Jeongguk suggested, "Can’t we move this Haikyuu!! marathon to my place, Tae?"

Taehyung shakes his head vigorously, arms that are wrapped around Jeongguk tightening around him. This is Taehyung’s habit; squeezing the life out of Jeongguk—or anyone at all—when they cuddle.

"Don’t want to move. Wanna stay here," Taehyung murmurs, eyes on the screen of his laptop.

Jeongguk sighs, pulls Taehyung closer and wraps the duvet around them even tighter.

"Fine. But next time, on mine, yeah?"

"‘kay, hyung."

Jeongguk can’t really focus on the show. His mind is whirling with ways to confess to Taehyung and he has a list of scenarios on how he would do it but— It is hard to do it in person than when he’s writing it.

Jeongguk’s second novel is still on the editing process, small changes being edited here and there, but there he was, just a few hours ago, already writing the plot outline of his next novel. The story is born from overthinking of how he is going to confess to Taehyung and what better way to de-stress than to write. So he ends up writing all the scenes he could think of and it just escalated from there. 

It is another romantic story because Jeongguk is a hopeless romantic. This time though, he’s breaking his promise. He wants a happy ending. He needs a happy ending.

Because this is his and Taehyung’s story.

An ending less than happy would ruin him.

It’s like the beating of his heart: Taehyung, Taehyung, Taehyung.

"Hyung, did you see that?" Taehyung slaps his chest and Jeongguk snaps his attention back to reality, to Taehyung who is staring at him accusingly. "You’re not watching."

Jeongguk blushes, stutters, "I— I am!"

Taehyung frowns, glares, "No, you’re not. You were totally spaced out. I saw you."

"If you were looking at me then you weren’t paying attention either." Jeongguk states, grabbing Taehyung’s hand that’s laying on his chest.

"Yes, I was! I was paying attention until you started humming to yourself like mhm hmm uhum humhum and that was distracting as fuck," Taehyung pinches Jeongguk’s wrist playfully, nose scrunched as he shuffles to press himself closer to Jeongguk.

"I was not," Jeongguk denies, albeit not as hard because he really has the tendency to space out and start humming to himself. Huh.

"Yes, you were. You almost sounded like you were moaning but then that would have meant you were turned on by volleyball or that you’re masturbating under the blanket but your hand is holding mine now so you totally weren’t," Taehyung tells him his deductions… or suspicions… whatever they are.

"Mas—Masturbating?" Jeongguk chokes out, blush rising on his cheeks. Sometimes, Taehyung can be too fucking blunt and it takes Jeongguk totally off guard. "I would never do that with you around."

What the fuck is he saying? Has his braincells given up on him?

"Hmm," Taehyung hums. He is silent for the longest of time and Jeongguk holds his breath, just there, quiet beside Taehyung whose brows continue to furrow, seeming like he’s considering something.

Jeongguk is just a tad bit nervous. Or scared.

Or both.

Five minutes or an hour—Jeongguk does not know because it feels like a century—passes by before Taehyung throws the duvet resting on top of them and straddles Jeongguk’s lap, plopping his ass on Jeongguk’s thighs.

Jeongguk’s first thought is to grab the duvet and put those warm fluffy things back on top of them because fucking hell it’s freezing. Then his brain catches up on what Taehyung is doing and where Taehyung is and Jeongguk’s first reaction is to gasp before raising his arms in the air like Taehyung has him on gunpoint.

What the fuck.

"W—What is going on, Tae?" He stutters, looking at Taehyung with wide eyes.

Taehyung stares at him, face devoid of emotion at first then he smiles and cups Jeongguk’s face in his warms hands. Jeongguk blinks at him, sure that his face is as red as a tomato.

"Hyung," Taehyung says. "I want to try something."

"Huh?" Jeongguk lets out, feeling dumb.

Taehyung leans in, rests his forehead on Jeongguk’s own, his face so close Jeongguk can count his eyelashes if he wants to; his lips so close Jeongguk can kiss him if he wants to.

Taehyung is so close, Jeongguk might fall in love further even if he doesn’t want to.

"Can I kiss you?" Taehyung asks, soft, curious.

"Huh?" Jeongguk continues to feel dumb.

"Like this," Taehyung says before leaning in and planting his lips on Jeongguk’s briefly, pulling back just as quickly.

Jeongguk remains frozen, hands still in the air, eyes as wide as possible. A beat passes, silence falls upon them.

Jeongguk finally blinks and looks at Taehyung, confused.

Taehyung bites on his lower lip, trembling hands falling from Jeongguk’s face as he says,

"Sorry."

That snaps Jeongguk out of his dazed state. His hands immediately holds Taehyung in place when the other starts to climb off his lap. He plops Taehyung’s ass back on his lap, making both of them huff and groan.

Taehyung is looking down instead of at Jeongguk and Jeongguk does not like that. He likes it when Taehyung is looking at him; in all ways but negative. When Jeongguk lifts Taehyung’s chin so he can finally look into his beautiful eyes, he is met with watery eyes and trembling lips.

Suddenly, Jeongguk is thrown to the very first time they met. When Taehyung was bawling his eyes out, choking on tears and snot and—

Jeongguk frowns.

"Tae, what’s wrong?" Jeongguk asks, gentle.

"Nothing," Taehyung answers quickly, wiping the corner of his eyes.

"Is it because of the kiss? Was it bad?" Jeongguk tries to joke but Taehyung does not find it funny, eyes turning to slits, glaring at Jeongguk.

"You think my feelings is a joke, huh? Because you’re so amazing and I get it. I’m younger, I don’t have a lot of experience. I’m broke, for fuck’s sake. You’re a talented writer and I’m like, no one. I get it, hyung. Just— Please, don’t make fun of my feelings."

"Hey, Taehyungie. What are you talking about?" Jeongguk cups his cheeks, pulls Taehyung’s face closer just like what Taehyung has done to him earlier. "I’m not making fun of anything. I adore what you do. I adore you. You’re amazing. Please don’t say that about yourself. You’re the most amazing person that I know and I’m lucky to be here with you."

Taehyung sniffs, holds Jeongguk’s hands still on his cheeks. "Really? But I like you."

"I like you too," Jeongguk quickly replies.

"No, no. You don’t get it," Taehyung shakes his head, takes a deep breath, says, "I like, like like you."

"That’s an awful lot of like, right there," Jeongguk says, a smile blooming on his lips.

"You’re making fun of me again," Taehyung frowns, eyes casting down as he whispers, "I’m in love with you. That’s how much I like you."

"And I’m in love with you too," Jeongguk replies, just as soft, but more than loving, more than genuine, with all his heart on the line.

Jeongguk is trying to keep himself calm on the outside because on the inside, he’s— he can’t explain it. His heart is beating as fast as a hummingbird and he thinks he’s reached peak happiness that his brain is failing to produce all the chemicals that would allow him to jump up and down in happiness.

Taehyung however, digs his nails on Jeongguk’s wrists, eyes wide, lips parted in a soft oh and— he’s the most beautiful person Jeongguk has ever seen.

"Are you— Are you serious?" Taehyung whispers, so quiet that Jeongguk almost does not catch it.

Instead of answering, Jeongguk pulls Taehyung into a kiss. The kind of kiss that is all lips and feelings and longing and finally, his happy ending.

Taehyung’s lips is soft and he tastes like strawberry milk because that’s what he’s drank before their show marathon. Jeongguk has kissed a few lips before but nothing can compare with the feeling he gets from kissing Taehyung. Nothing bursts like fireworks because let’s face it, that scenario is too cliche and unrealistic. However, something bursts inside Jeongguk’s chests and it feels like relief and love combined in some sort of weird chemical that makes him kiss Taehyung deeper.

He pulls Taehyung closer, chest meeting chest, heart beats syncing slowly but surely and—

And it’s perfect.

Taehyung wraps his arms around Jeongguk’s neck, fingers playing with the strands of his soft hair while Jeongguk’s hand slips just a little under Taehyung’s huge shirt, fingers drawing circles on Taehyung’s soft skin.

Everything is perfect.

And at the same time, it’s not.

It’s fucking cold, even considering their activities; after all, it’s late autumn. The couch they are in is worn out and every time they move it creaks so Jeongguk tries not to move a lot and instead, tilts his head to the side to kiss Taehyung gentler, little pecks of their lips; soft. Both of them smell like popcorn but— well, that’s actually pretty cute.

Jeongguk couldn’t have asked for a better first kiss with Taehyung than here, right now, at this moment in time.

Pulling back from the kiss, Jeongguk peppers Taehyung’s face with kisses, making Taehyung giggle. So sweet.

"You’re adorable," he says.

Taehyung blushes, replies, "And you’re precious."

"Can I kiss you again?"

"Please."

Kissing Taehyung is like a religion. Something that Jeongguk wants to keep doing, wants to worship, wants to devote to.

Jeongguk has never been the religious kind of guy, writing the only devotion he has towards but now, Jeongguk thinks he’s found someone he can devote himself in to.

Jeongguk runs his fingers down Taehyung’s sides, skin so warm the cold becomes forgotten. His skin is so soft and Jeongguk wants to kiss him everywhere, all over.

"Can I?" Jeongguk asks when he presses kisses down the column of Taehyung’s neck, the neckline of his shirt wide and falling a little wider on one side.

Taehyung nods, eyes half-lidded, lips plump and red-kissed.

"Please, hyung."

Jeongguk doesn’t waste any time, he kisses down Taehyung’s neck, sucking a light bruise on the dip of his collarbone. Taehyung is letting out soft moans that makes Jeongguk want to absolutely wreck him. But—

Taehyung deserves better than a worn couch and a malfunctioning heater with an anime playing in the background for a first time with Jeongguk.

And Jeongguk is a hopeless romantic.

He wants to treat Taehyung right.

Although, Taehyung is not making it easy for him.

Jeongguk groans on the crook of Taehyung’s neck when Taehyung decides to grind down on Jeongguk’s lap. He’s only a man, he’s not emotionless nor is he a prude and so Jeongguk’s first reaction is to rut back at Taehyung, dick hard inside his jeans.

"Tae," Jeongguk whispers, licking a stripe from the dip of Taehyung’s collarbone to his jaw, ending to Taehyung’s parted lips. "If you don’t stop…"

"I want it," Taehyung moans the words, gripping Jeongguk’s hair tightly and pulling him into a deep kiss while he grinds down on Jeongguk’s crotch.

"Please."

Jeongguk is a weak man and it’s not like he’s resisting too hard. He wants it too, just not this way. So he makes a compromise because even with lust-filled mind, Jeongguk is a rational person. He has to be.

One of them has to be.

"Baby, come here, yeah?" Jeongguk presses a kiss to Taehyung’s cheeks while he grips Taehyung’s hips, preventing Taehyung from riding his thighs.

"Hyung," Taehyung groans, dropping a kiss on Jeongguk’s cheek before focusing on him properly, blinking his eyes a couple of times. He smiles at Jeongguk and Jeongguk absolutely melts.

"Want my hand?" Jeongguk asks, fingers trailing the waistband of Taehyung’s sweatpants, smiling back at Taehyung.

Taehyung nods eagerly, "Yes, yes, yes."

"Up, love." Jeongguk taps Taehyung’s thighs, asking him to lift his ass just a little bit so Jeongguk can wiggle the younger’s sweatpants down his thighs, enough so that Jeongguk can take out Taehyung’s dick out of his briefs.

"Oh."

When Jeongguk wraps his fingers around Taehyung’s member, Taehyung let’s out a strangled moan before rutting against Jeongguk’s hand and burying his face on the crook of Jeongguk’s neck.

Taehyung’s cock is wet, already leaking pre-come and it becomes easier to jack him off the more he thrusts his hips against Jeongguk’s hands. Taehyung meets his movements, just the perfect rhythm of pumping his hands and circling the tip of Taehyung’s cock, spreading Taehyung’s wetness and basking in the groan Taehyung tries to muffle on Jeongguk’s shirt.

"Gukkie," Taehyung moves his hips faster, moans rising in staccato.

When Taehyung comes, it’s on Jeongguk’s unrelenting fingers and it’s with a high pitched moan that has Jeongguk moving his hand slowly down Taehyung’s cock, milking his orgasm and enjoying the little noises he lets out.

He’s a beautiful mess, Jeongguk admits.

He’s Jeongguk’s beautiful mess and he wouldn’t trade him for the world.

"Hmm," Taehyung paints kisses on Jeongguk’s jaw, up to his lips. Taehyung kisses like the calmest of lake; slow, soft, and patient. It’s a dichotomy compared to how he’s literally a begging mess when he’s desperate for release.

Jeongguk concludes that Taehyung is a dichotomy of everything that he is and that is— that is endearing. And makes life more exciting.

"Okay?" Jeongguk asks, wiping the come on his hand on his shirt.

Taehyung smiles at him, takes Jeongguk’s hand still with some droplets of his own release and licks it clean. Jeongguk’s breath hitches.

"More than okay, hyung," Taehyung says, letting go of Jeongguk’s hand. "And you?" He cocks a brow, eyes looking down to where Jeongguk’s dick is still hard inside his jeans but he can manage.

"Amazing," Jeongguk grins and pulls Taehyung into a hug, burying his face on the side of Taehyung’s head and breathing in Taehyung’s sweet scent.

"Are you sure?" Taehyung starts to run his fingers up and down Jeongguk’s back, soothing him.

"Definitely sure," Jeongguk affirms, grinning happily.

"If you say so."

"I say so."

"I really like you, hyung."

Jeongguk pulls his face back from Taehyung’s hair, meets the younger’s eyes, and smiles at him fondly.

"I really like you too, Taehyung."

* 

He fights the world with a smile.

But a smile is never enough to fight the world.

So he fights the world with love.

He hopes this time, it is enough.

Taehyung is a storm; fucking up all Jeongguk has planned and even more.

He’s a whirlwind of fragile emotions and brave fighting and sweet words and loving gestures.

He’s different than anyone Jeongguk has ever met or ever written.

Trying to pen Taehyung is impossible because he’s an impossible person. He’s got more than the entire galaxy in his eyes and more love that is allowed to fit in his heart and more kindness than necessary fitted in his personality.

Taehyung is a storm and Jeongguk is happy enough to stand in front of the storm. Because after the storm, a calm always appears and a new beginning starts.

Taehyung is Jeongguk’s new beginning.

He makes Jeongguk feel brave. And makes Jeongguk try new things. And makes Jeongguk cry when he tells him the reason why he was crying his heart out that night they met.

Jeongguk cries for Taehyung’s grandmother and he cries for all the memories Taehyung recounts and he presses soft kisses on Taehyung’s wet cheeks after.

Because Taehyung makes Jeongguk feel and—

And that’s enough.

The rest will have to come after that.