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dimanche 14h33
He's not quite sure how the argument starts but once he does, he only briefly registers Mika and Lisa fleeing next door out of the corner of his eye before his attention is focused once again on Eliott.
Eliott, who looks beautiful even when he's angry which is just so damn, infuriating for Lucas. Eliott, who keeps telling him that Idriss is nobody, just someone who he used to go to school with and occasionally passed by in the hallways and Lucas wants nothing more than to believe him.
But he just can't.
He knows that there's something more, something that doesn't quite add up in Eliott's explanation.
It bothers Lucas, bothers him because they've been having this same argument for days on end and neither of them can seem to come to a point of resolution. It bothers him to think that there's something Eliott isn't telling him, something that everyone else except Lucas seems to be aware of.
"How many more times are you going to bring this up?" Eliott asks, his voice eerily steady. "I don't know what else to tell you, Lucas."
Eliott has this way of keeping his voice tightly composed whenever he's angry. It's effortless and Lucas wishes he could do the same because he knows that if he opens his mouth now, his voice will crack and all of his emotions will come flooding out and he fucking hates that. He hates sounding so weak, sounding so vulnerable... even in front of Eliott, who has seen him at his best and at his worst.
So he doesn't say anything, just stares wearily back at Eliott as he talks.
"I don't know why Idriss left like that," Eliott cards a hand through his messy, brown hair.
Lucas looks away, focuses his gaze on the window overlooking the street in the living room. He clenches his hands into fists until the dull pain of his fingernails digging into the skin of his palms distracts him from the anger pulsing throughout him.
"Maybe he just wasn't ready to meet me in that moment," Eliott continues. "That's all it is, Lucas. It doesn't mean that he's homophobic or that he has something against me... it just means that he wasn't ready."
Lucas swallows past the growing lump in his throat as he listens to Eliott reason with him about Idriss. Eliott's voice seems to take on a completely different tone whenever he talks about Idriss. It's softer, laced with longing and maybe even regret and Lucas can't help but think about how intimate it sounds. Far too intimate for someone Eliott says he doesn't really know.
"Lucas," Eliott is standing closer to him. His eyes, a myriad of blues and grays are pleading with him to drop the turbulent topic of Idriss.
But Lucas is so fucking stubborn. He's always been stubborn.
"I want to believe you... but I can't," Lucas regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth because Eliott's face falls and it makes his heart ache.
Eliott nods, his eyes emblazoned with renewed anger, "Can't or won't?"
"That's not fair,"
"How is that not fair?" Eliott shoots back.
"Because you're twisting my words, Eliott! You don't know how much I want to believe you -
"Then why can't you believe me?"
"Because I know you! I know when you're lying to me," Lucas yells. "I know when you're keeping something important from me and clearly there's something important about Idriss that you don't want me to know!"
Eliott laughs, harshly before shaking his head, "I don't know what more you want me to say, Lucas. I've already told you everything and if you can't accept that then I don't know where go from here."
"You've told me everything but the truth," Lucas whispers. "Why can't you just tell me the truth, Eliott?"
"You're unbelievable."
"Just tell me the truth!" Lucas blinks back the hot, angry tears threatening to make their way down his cheeks. "I just want the truth."
"Drop it, Lucas. Please," Eliott's voice cracks halfway through and it makes Lucas feel even shittier than he already does. He doesn't think he can bear to see Eliott cry.
"Is the truth really that terrible?"
"Lucas -
"Please," Lucas swipes roughly at the single tear that somehow managed to escape. "Please just tell me. I don't want to jump to fucking conclusions in my head, Eliott."
Eliott's face pales, "I'm not doing this with you. Not now."
Lucas feels another tear sneak past his left eye, "Will you ever do this with me?"
"I can't do this with you, Lucas!"
"Can't or won't?" Lucas mimics Eliott's words from mere moments ago, his voice hoarse.
"Why can't you just drop this?"
"Why can't you tell me the truth?!" Lucas shouts. "Who is Idriss, really?"
Eliott backs away slightly at that, "He's nobody."
"Bullshit," Lucas runs a hand through the mess of hair on his head. "If he was nobody, we wouldn't be having this conversation. You wouldn't be lying to me."
"I'm not lying to you!"
"Yes you are! I'm not dumb, Eliott."
"I never said you were," Eliott sighs. "Tell me why you can't drop this. Why are you acting so paranoid about Idriss?"
"Because it just doesn't make sense, okay?"
"What doesn't?"
"You told me you went to school with him, that you hardly even knew him. Yet you talk about him like you did, like you used to be close," Lucas trails off, catching the haunted look on Eliott's face and somehow, all the jumbled up pieces in Lucas's head fall into place and he's not sure whether this is just another far-fetched conclusion his mind has jumped to but the words are falling from his mouth before he can stop them. "You talk about him like you loved him, I-I can hear it in your voice every time his name comes up."
That seems like the breaking point for Eliott.
He backs away from Lucas as though he's been slapped, bumping into stray, pieces of furniture in his haste to make a beeline to the door.
"Eliott -
"I want to be alone," Eliott's voice is trembling and Lucas hates himself.
He hates himself for being so damn, stubborn. He hates himself for being so insecure and so deep-rooted in his fears of being left behind. He hates himself for always thinking the worst and jumping to conclusions that most definitely aren't even close to the truth, despite everything in him screaming that Eliott's reaction, right here, right now is as close to the truth as he can get. But most of all, he hates that he pushed Eliott to a point where he can't stand to look Lucas in the eye because it's the one thing he'd sworn to himself he would never do.
He would never push Eliott to talk about things he wasn't comfortable talking about. It would always be on Eliott's terms, always be whenever Eliott was ready to talk about them.
But he's done it now, he's pushed him and Lucas despises every part of himself. He wants to hit something.
But he can't.
He stumbles in his own haste to get to Eliott, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Eliott, I'm sorry,"
Eliott can't meet his eyes, he can't lean into the gentle touch of Lucas's hand on his cheek, "I just want to be alone."
Lucas drops his hand and nods, numbly, "Okay,"
He wants to say a million things, wants to apologize over and over again for being such a selfish asshole, wants to tell Eliott how much he loves him but he knows that none of that would make a difference right now because the only thing Eliott needs is to get out of this apartment, to get some space from Lucas.
So Lucas pushes down the spark of hope that ignites inside of him when Eliott squeezes his hand for a brief moment and he lets the older boy leave.
He doesn't allow himself to look away until Eliott's retreating figure turns the corner, doesn't allow himself to look away until he hears the sound of the elevator doors closing and he knows that Eliott is gone.
Then he fucking cries.
dimanche 15h13
Lucas is cleaning up the remnants of a broken glass when he hears the first knock on the door. His heart jumps at the sound because maybe it's Eliott, maybe they can finally talk everything out but deep down, he knows it's not him.
It hasn't even been an hour since he left.
And although every part of Lucas feels worried about him, every part of him is wondering where Eliott could be and he could be doing, he fights the urge to call him or text him.
Because alone means alone. Eliott will come back when he's ready and Lucas just has to trust that.
Lucas snaps away from his Eliott-induced haze at the sound of now, incessant knocking on the door. He sighs, knowing it's probably Mika or Lisa wanting to come back into the apartment after eavesdropping on Charles and Manon next door.
It's really a great, fucking atmosphere around here these days.
"Okay! Just a second," Lucas yells at whoever is knocking before running to the kitchen and depositing the pieces of broken glass into the rubbish.
He runs back and swings open the door, "Imane?"
"Took you long enough," Imane rolls her eyes.
"What're you doing here?"
"I came to talk to Manon," Imane admits after a few beats of silence. "But it's clearly not a good time."
"She and Charles still going at it?" Lucas asks, though he can't hear anymore of their muffled shouting through the very, thin walls of their building.
"No, but I figured it's not really a good time to talk to her. She has a lot on her plate."
Lucas wants to ask. He wants to ask about the email which is a hot topic in the apartment but he keeps his mouth shut. Imane looks tired, weary and Lucas can't see the point of bringing all of that up and making her feel even worse.
"So you decided to come over here and annoy me instead?" Lucas jokes.
Imane gives him a wry smile, "There are a lot of other productive things I could be doing, trust me."
"Yet you're here,"
Imane snorts, "Don't let it get to your head."
Lucas smiles and he's surprised that it's a genuine smile. Lately, frowning is all he seems to be capable of doing... that, and acting like a complete asshole towards his boyfriend.
"Mika told me you and Eliott are fighting," Imane says casually. "About Idriss."
Lucas's eyes widen, "It's none of Mika's business."
Imane's eyes flash with anger, "Frankly, I don't think it's any of your business either."
"That's easy for you to say because you know the truth."
Imane sighs, "Where is Eliott?"
Lucas runs a hand over his face, blinks back tears of frustration, "He left."
"What? Where?" Imane looks alarmed.
"He said he wants to be alone," Lucas answers, his voice barely above a whisper.
Imane's sharp gaze softens at that and she walks past Lucas to sit on the couch which is in a state of disarray from when Lucas unleashed chaos around the apartment minutes after Eliott left.
"What happened?"
"I fucked up," Lucas groans, throwing himself into the space beside Imane and burying his face in his arms. "I pushed him too far, Imane. I know I shouldn't have but I was just so scared and anxious about the fact that there's something he doesn't want to tell me about Idriss. I jumped to conclusions."
"You're an idiot," Imane replies, shaking her head and Lucas looks up sharply.
"Well, thanks. That really makes me feel great about myself," Lucas deadpans. "And as if I didn't know I was an idiot already."
Imane smiles and places a hand on Lucas's shoulder, "Look, you're right about what you said before. It's easy for me to tell you to mind your own business when I already know what happened with Idriss and Eliott... but that's just the thing, it's not my place to tell you. It's Eliott's."
"I know that, I just -
"And Eliott will tell you when he's ready to talk about it," Imane cuts him off. "Yes, you fucked up today by pushing him but if anything, it's given you an indication that whatever happened... it's not something easy for him to talk about."
Lucas nods, understanding dawning on him. Everything Imane is saying is right but it makes Lucas feel worse about himself because he didn't think for a second that it might have been something hard for Eliott to talk about. He was just too preoccupied in his own insecurities and fears and he wishes he could go back, right now and redo the last half hour.
"Sometimes the people you love will lash out to you and they will lie to you about important things because they're afraid of how you might react," Imane continues, her eyes taking on a faraway look and Lucas can't help but think a part of this whole, messy situation applies to her as well. "Because they're scared they might somehow lose you."
A sad smile spreads across Lucas's face, "I get that."
Imane nudges him with her elbow, smiling gently, "See? I'm guessing keeping the truth from you has been just as bad for Eliott as not knowing it has been for you. So you wait until he's ready, Lucas and he will be, if just might take some time."
Lucas shakes his head, "How are you so good at this?"
Imane frowns, "At what?"
"Giving advice," Lucas laughs. "Everything just sounds so logical when you say it."
Imane snorts, "It's a natural born talent."
Lucas rolls his eyes but he doesn't fight the smile that appears on his face, "Right, right."
Imane fakes a shocked expression on her face before gently hitting Lucas with one of the cushions dotting the couch.
"Imane?" Lucas moves out of the way of her second hit, laughing.
She raises her eyebrows at him expectantly, "Yeah?"
"Thank you," Lucas can't express just how thankful he is from those two words but he hopes Imane knows.
dimanche 21h21
It's hours later when Lucas makes the decision to call Eliott, hours after Imane left to go home, mumbling something about studying and hours after Mika and Lisa sneaked back into the apartment.
Eliott's been gone for a while and Lucas knows he's okay, knows he's probably off somewhere drawing, listening to music or just thinking about everything which is usually what it comes down to when Eliott asks to be alone.
But Lucas just needs him to know something. And he's not sure whether Eliott will pick up, not sure of the kinds of emotions he's feeling right now but he hopes.
He fiddles with the drawstrings of his sweatpants while he waits for the call to connect, listens to Manon and Charles's muffled arguing from next door and Mika and Lisa trying to figure out the next best way to eavesdrop on them.
Eliott picks up on the third ring.
Lucas almost drops his phone, "Hi,"
"Hi," Eliott's voice is so soft that Lucas has to press his phone closer to his ear to hear him.
"I know you want to be alone right now," Lucas starts.
Eliott hums, "That was a while ago,"
"Yeah?" Lucas chokes out, the lump in his throat is back. "I miss you."
He can almost hear Eliott's smile when the boy replies, "I miss you too."
"I'm sorry I was an asshole,"
"I don't think you were an asshole,"
"Yes I was, Eliott. I pushed you to talk about something you weren't ready to talk about to satisfy my own agendas."
Eliott pauses for a minute, as if considering what Lucas has just said, "Maybe you were a little bit of an asshole."
Lucas huffs out a laugh, "I'm sorry."
"I am too,"
"What for?"
"A lot of things," Eliott breathes. "There's a lot I want to tell you."
"Whenever you want," Lucas says it without hesitation.
Eliott doesn't say anything for a while after that and Lucas would have thought the call had cut out if it wasn't for the sound of Eliott's steady breathing from the other end. So he waits, waits until Eliott is ready to speak.
Eliott sounds shy when he does, "Can I come back?"
Lucas's eyes prick with tears and he rubs at them, feeling dumb, "Of course. You don't have to ask."
"I'll - I'll be there soon," Eliott promises. "I just need a few more minutes."
Minute par minute is what Lucas wants to say but he knows that Eliott knows. It's an unspoken agreement between them now and Lucas is willing to give Eliott however many minutes he needs.
"Okay," Lucas agrees. "As many minutes as you need."
"Lucas?"
"Eliott?"
"I love you."
"I love you too, Eliott. I love you."
dimanche 23h49
When Lucas wakes up, hours after the phonecall, it's to the sensation of Eliott's cool hands on his feverishly, hot skin.
He jolts upright, almost smacking his forehead against Eliott's if not for Eliott's lightning fast reflexes. His boyfriend smiles at him amused, his face half illuminated by the light streaming from the kitchen.
Lucas feels disoriented, "Hi,"
"Hi," Eliott whispers. "Mika let me in. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up... You were fast asleep."
"S'okay," Lucas mumbles, pulling at the collar of his jumper. "What time is it?"
"Almost midnight. You gave me way too many minutes," Eliott admits, sheepishly.
Lucas snorts, "I'm glad you're here."
"Me too," Eliott leans forward from his stoop at the edge of the coffee table and brushes a stray piece of hair from Lucas's face.
Lucas grabs his wrist before he can pull it away, "I'm sorry about before. I'm sorry for pushing you."
Eliott's focused gaze softens, his hand cups Lucas's cheek, "I know you are."
"I never want to force you into talking about things that you don't want to talk about," Lucas sits up taller, letting the blanket wrapped around him fall to his hips. "I was selfish and insecure and paranoid. I-I thought that maybe you didn't want to tell me because I didn't deserve to know... like I wasn't worth enough to know about it."
Eliott's gaze hardens and he moves from the coffee table to the couch. He reaches for Lucas, pulls him until he's sitting halfway on Eliott's lap before cupping his face in both hands, "I never want to hear you say shit like that again."
Lucas leans his forehead against Eliott's, grateful to be able to touch him again, "Like what?"
"Like you're not worth it or you're not deserving," Eliott says, sadly. "Because me not telling you has nothing to do with that, Lucas. I'm sorry I ever made you feel that way."
"You didn't, it was me and my stupid ability to always think of the worst."
Eliott presses a feather-light kiss to his cheek, "To be fair, I didn't give you much of a choice. I was selfish too."
"How?"
"I was so focused on what sort of impact the truth would have on me," Eliott tightens his arms around Lucas. "So focused on myself and how you would see me if I told you the truth... I didn't think about how it would affect you."
"Whatever it is, we'll deal with it together, right?"
"Right,"
"It's not going to change how I see you, Eliott."
"You don't know that," Eliott replies, burying his face in the crook of Lucas's neck.
Lucas isn't sure how to respond to that. All he knows is that he loves Eliott, more than he has ever loved anyone and he doesn't have enough words to express just how much and he just can't see that changing over something that happened with Idriss years ago.
He wants to say all of this and more to Eliott but the words get stuck in his throat. So he hopes Eliott can feel it in the way that Lucas wraps his arms around his shoulders and holds him tightly, one hand tangled in his hair.
He never wants to let go.
But he has to when Eliott loosens his hold on him, when Eliott tilts his chin up so their eyes can meet, blue colliding against blue, "Can I tell you something?"
Lucas nods, brushing his nose against Eliott's, "Anything."
Eliott brushes his thumb over Lucas's exposed collarbone, "It's about Idriss."
"Okay," Lucas breathes.
"You were right before," Eliott begins. "I did love Idriss."
Lucas holds his breath, drops his gaze from Eliott's own.
"He wasn't just someone I went to school with and passed by in the halls," Eliott whispers. "We were best friends."
"You were?"
Eliott nods, "I would spend so many afternoons at his house, with his parents, with Imane and they all made me feel like I belonged."
It makes Lucas's heart hurt and he leans forward to kiss Eliott's shoulder, a wordless gesture of encouragement.
"I think that was the starting point of my bipolarity," Eliott admits. "I didn't understand what was happening with me, my parents didn't either and everyday would just be another argument with them so that's why I spent so much time with Idriss. He didn't ask questions, he was just there for me."
Lucas wants to cry, "He sounds like a good friend."
"He was," Eliott agrees, a ghost of a smile lining his lips. "But I messed it up, Lucas."
"What happened?" Lucas prods gently, his fingers playing with the collar of Eliott's t-shirt.
Eliott squeezes his eyes shut, "It's not something I think I can talk about tonight."
Lucas brushes a thumb over Eliott's cheek, "Okay,"
"I'm sorry -
"Eliott, it's okay," Lucas interrupts him and brings their foreheads together again. "You've told me more than enough tonight."
"Really?" Eliott's voice is hoarse.
"Yes, really. I want you to tell me the rest when you're ready." Lucas brushes their lips together gently before pulling away slightly, "Minute par minute, remember?"
Eliott smiles his sunshine smile.
"I don't know what happened but I love you and I can't see that ever changing."
Eliott lets out a heavy breath, one he seemed to have been holding in this entire time, "I love you too, Lucas."
Lucas forces himself not to cry, manages to give Eliott a watery smile before pulling the boy towards him, "I'm sorry."
He doesn't think he'll ever be able to stop apologizing to Eliott over this.
"I'm sorry too," Eliott says, his voice muffled by the fabric of Lucas's jumper.
And then Eliott is pulling away, just enough so he can kiss Lucas and it's more than just a brush of their lips this time. It's deep and genuine and it makes Lucas remember just how addictive Eliott's kisses are because somehow, in the span of just a few days filled with nothing but arguing and slamming doors, he's managed to forget.
But kissing Eliott now feels like a fresh reminder, it's familiar and safe and at the first touch of their tongues against each other, Lucas moans and curls inward, bringing their bodies impossibly closer.
He faintly hears Mika in the background, yelling at them to shut up and go to sleep. Eliott huffs out a laugh against Lucas's lips and Lucas groans inwardly because fucking Mika has the worst timing.
"He's not wrong," Eliott smiles, his eyes bright in the muted darkness.
Lucas hums, "He's nosy is what he is."
Eliott laughs, quietly and Lucas's heart bursts at the sound, "Maybe, but it's half past twelve bub."
"Are you tired?"
"Aren't you?"
Lucas is tired but he feels like a livewire after being on the receiving end of Eliott's bruising kisses, "Yes but I wanted to kiss you for a little while longer."
Eliott giggles, "How much longer?"
Lucas smiles at the sound, brushes a thumb over Eliott's bottom lip, "Just a few more minutes longer."
"As many minutes as it took me to get here?"
Lucas laughs, "Even longer than that, I hope."
"As many minutes as you need," Eliott echoes.
And Lucas pulls him close, his heart in his throat.
He doesn't let go.