Chapter Text
„You should send him memes or something.”
Matteo almost choked on his sip of mango juice. Some of it actually dribbled out and ran down his chin. He wiped it away quickly, but not quickly enough for Abdi to not have seen it, if the way he was laughing like a hyena was anything to go by.
Matteo shoved his wet hand into Abdi’s face in retaliation and they almost started a brawl right there, but then Matteo remembered that he really needed to respond to what Carlos had said.
He turned his body back to the boy in question, who was grinning at him and to Jonas who was nodding like one of those car dashboard dog things his Dad used to have in his Fiat.
“Hä?”, he asked, eloquently as ever, still fighting off Abdi by slapping away his hands without looking at him.
“Ja, Digga! Think about it. You said he draws stuff for you. You can’t draw for shit, though. And if he’s into romantic, DIY stuff, you gotta make something for him”, Carlos said like he was being totally logical. Like he had not, very obviously, suffered some sort of psychotic break.
Jonas was still nodding but Abdi had finally given up trying to spear through Matteo’s ribs with his fingers, so that was something, at least.
Matteo licked his lips and blinked his eyes very deliberately like that would help make sense of the situation. “Alter, memes are not exactly peak romance. Not like … I don’t know.”
He let himself fall back against the ground but instead of staring at the ceiling of his room he turned his head to the side to stare at the drawing of Vampire-David holding a cheese toast in his hands. The paper of the drawing was crumpled now, but he had tried, very carefully, to straighten it back out again, before taping it to his wall once more. It was a little worse for wear but Matteo still loved it. “He sat down and drew that for me. And you want me to make him some shitty meme. Like that’s the same?”
“Dude, think!”, Jonas said and tapped a finger against his own head, like Matteo needed to know what body part he should use for said thinking. “Which presents did our moms always like best? Not any expensive shit, but the wonky, weird stuff we made in school. The stuff we made ourselves.”
Matteo stared at him and kind of hated everyone in the room then and there, because apparently, he needed to point out the following to them. “You know that David isn’t my mom, though, right? Like, that’s the whole point.”
Abdi snorted. “The whole point? So, everyone that isn’t your mom is fair game to you? Not gonna lie, that’s a bit gross.”
Matteo groaned and threw an arm over his eyes while the other boys stared laughing again.
“Matteo, you need to be more excited about this,” Jonas said in the end. “David’s all artistic and stuff, right? So, that reminds you of him. But you’re like this … meme lord! He likes your posts on Mondays and Fridays. He would totally like it, because it’s something that reminds him of you.” Jonas shook his head a little. “Carlos somehow got really wise. This could totally work.”
“That’s the power of love and self-care”, Carlos said wisely and spread his arms, closed his eyes, and smiled like an especially benevolent prophet. “Huddle up, disciples, to hear more of my wisdom.”
While Jonas and Abdi scrambled down to the floor to actually sit at Carlos’ feet and stare up at him, Matteo, watching them with a smile tugging at his lips, started thinking about the idea in earnest.
In the end he decided it was just one of those things that might as well happen.
Though.
The thing was, he couldn’t make it too obvious.
If he posted this and everybody immediately figured out who the meme was about, David would probably be seen taking the next bus straight out of Berlin to go live in the Austrian alps or something.
But people could know that Matteo was pining after a boy. Fuck, most already knew anyway thanks to the gossip mill that was churning happily on and on. And school was mostly over anyway. Matteo was past caring at this point. At least, that’s what he told himself. He couldn’t be asked to figure out all the reasons he was anxious about this, could he?
Anyway.
He was out of the closet. He liked a boy. And was going to make some lame memes to romance that boy.
Matteo’s heart was almost hammering out of his chest while he was searching for empty meme templates and trying to come up with something clever.
Three times he closed his laptop and threw it onto the bed only to open it back up immediately, sighing in frustration while hammering in his password to make his desktop appear again.
Hans came in once to ask him something but Matteo only grunted at him and Hans dramatically declared that he wouldn’t get any of the apfelstrudel he and Linn had made then.
At the mention of strudel Matteo’s eyes left the laptop for a second and Hans groaned even more dramatically before turning around on his heel, returning with a plate of still hot apfelstrudel and a sweetly whispered “Screw you, butterfly”.
People had a weird thing about feeding Matteo, but he wasn’t going to complain.
Three hours, Matteo was sitting in his bed, crumbs all over his sheets and memes all over his desktop.
He swallowed drily and bit his chapped lips, as he looked over what he had created.
Could he really do this? Wasn’t this … pushy and weird and too … Something?
Matteo was always too something, wasn’t he?
And that thought alone made him want to go grab a joint and make all of the pain that was welling up in his chest right now go blurry, hazy, and distant. Which didn't help the constant idea of being wrong that had taken up residence in the back of his mind and like to make itself known sporadically.
Matteo shook his head and with that motion, he also shook himself awake. Out of this nightmare of a thoughtspiral that would lead nowhere but down, down, down. Drugs and the lense they lent him - the lense that turned the world into something that couldn't hurt him as much but made him numb against all the other stuff, too - wouldn’t make any of this better. He knew that. The last week had shown him that, even though he’d actually known it before. Somewhere, at least. In the part of his mind that he kept purposefully dusty and didn't like to rifle through. He'd just needed reminders, it turned out. Reminders to look and reminders that it was worth it. And he needed to trust more.
In the end, Matteo decided, this maybe wasn’t the time to keep thinking about the areas in life where he was too much but instead it was time to improve on the ones where he was too little.
Where he could be more.
If following Rentier’s advice had proven anything, it was that Matteo could and should rely on his friends. Should try and believe in people more, instead of assuming that he was only getting on their nerves anyway.
Hans, Amira, Jonas, the boys … they all had shown in their own ways that they were there for him and liked him. He had driven them away and yet they had been willing to come back, take him back, even though he had never said the word ‘sorry’ because it just wouldn’t pass his lips.
He didn’t like apologies. He liked actions.
Matteo was too used to empty words from his father, telling him he was sorry, or from his mother, telling him she would do better. He'd been listening to their words for so long. They were more of a background noise than anything else now. Better not listen at all but rather look at the way their bodies turned away from him or curled in on themselves. That was where the truth really lay. They talked towards him but never came towards him. There were times when Matteo felt like maybe he repelled people. Like an opposing force. He didn't like to think about that but he often couldn't help it. He was a product of his upbringing. And that, finally, left him here.
Instead of apologizing to David through a text that would have felt too personal for the precarious feeling their current situation gave off, Matteo would make a gesture.
Instead of being too afraid, he would be more daring than usual.
Because this was worth it. This was worth trying, even if it was hard.
For the first time in his life Matteo thought he might be … not in love, but something in the neighborhood of that. In like, maybe. He would say it was a crush, but that sounded too sticky sweet for the glowing ball of warmth that had made its home in Matteo’s chest.
He idly rubbed the place, right where his heart was and where it hurt a little, and thought that he had no real name for what he felt. It just felt monumental and at the same time it was right and good and like it was the most normal thing in the world that he would feel this for David. Of course, it was David. The thought of feeling this for someone else was … wrong and Matteo didn’t like it, so he pushed it away, for once not lingering where there might be pain.
The thought of David and maybe getting to explore whatever this was a bit more, of being able to share it with him and nurture it into something even bigger, was enough in the end.
Matteo pulled up Instagram on his computer, chose a meme but no filter, composed no line at all and hit send.
For a second, nothing happened.
Matteo stared at the post and while he was staring a cold feeling spread across the crown of his head and down his neck, only to be replaced by a sudden burning heat in his cheeks.
Oh god. Oh. God.
He had done. That.
Why, oh, fuck, oh, god.
But before panic could take root in him for real, his phone buzzed and made him freeze.
There it lay on the bed, like a snake in the middle of a field.
He just knew, if he touched it, it would bite his fingers off.
Well. Maybe that would be better for everyone involved. You can't type shitty memes if you don't have shitty fingers, after all.
It buzzed again.
And again.
And … see. Matteo was no idiot. Not really. You didn’t decide to do you abitur in biology if you were stupid, academically speaking. But. Sometimes Matteo was stupid on a molecular level?
He knew there was no way in freaking hell that the buzzing of his phone was because David had liked the meme or written to him. Because it was unrealistic and frankly disturbing to think that David was staring at his phone 24/7 waiting for any and all online signs of Matteo still being alive and doing shit. Because thoughts like that could only be the product of an actual moron.
But Matteo really, really was a stupid, unrealistic, and frankly disturbing actual moron sometimes, so yeah, he was thinking that there had to be a slight chance that David had reached out to him and his idiotic, little heart actually did a disappointed little flop in his chest, a bit like dying fish really, when Matteo saw that it was Carlos and Abdi freaking out in their shared WhatsApp chat.
Carlos: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Carlos: Matteo did it!!!! 😱😱😱
Carlos: DUDES!
Abdi: What are you talking about?
Carlos: Alter, check insta!
Jonas: The hell, Matteo, since when do your work this fast, we were only just talking about this! 😳🙌
Abdi: Meme lord strikes! 👊👊👊👊
Matteo rolled his eyes.
Matteo: don’t call me meme lord.
Matteo: do you think he’ll like it?
Sometimes Matteo wondered how this had become his life. Asking his friends if the dude, dude, he was crushing on, would like the meme he had posted for him on Instagram like he was the teary-eyed embodiment of the “Senpai, please notice me” meme himself.
Carlos: Of course he’ll like it!
Carlos: Since your little heart is all shaky because of him 😂😂😂
Abdi: Matteo is in loooooove.
Jonas: Boys, stop teasing him.
Matteo had known Jonas for long enough that he was not relieved when he saw that hecoming to his rescue. Any second now.
Jonas: Not sure his little heart could take it. 😎
Abdi: Ahahaha, he murdered you in your own house
Carlos: 😂😂😂
Matteo: abdi, that doesn’t even make any sense and also YOU MADE ME DO THIS
Jonas: Ooooh, all caps. Stop screaming at us, Kleiner!
Carlos: Yeah, for real though. This is exactly what I was talking about earlier! He’ll like it. This is prime matteo content! 👌👍
Abdi: Totally, bro
Jonas: Same. Try not to think about it too hard. He’ll like it.
Matteo: he hasn’t yet
Abdi: Stop being so thirsty, it’s been 10 mins
Jonas: I mean, I agree, but it’s brave of YOU to tell anyone to not be thirsty …
Carlos: True
While all hell broke loose in the group chat, which Matteo was watching with a detached sort of glee, he decided that there was nothing for it.
They were right.
Waiting it was.
Waiting was shit.
Especially since Matteo had a tiny heart attack every time he got a notification and he just knew that David would only like the meme (if he ever liked it, he thought, bleakly) once Matteo had stopped expecting him to.
What he was definitely not expecting was Hans storming into his room waving his phone in his face.
“Is the meme about your David?” he asked, throwing himself onto the bed with such abandon that Matteo actually had to get out of the way in order not to be crushed.
“What do you think?”, he retorted flatly and ran a hand through his hair.
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s some new guy and you’ve taken my advice and gotten over David already.”
Matteo didn’t even know what to say to that, but didn’t get an opportunity to respond anyway, before he heard the shutter sound of Hans’ phone.
“What are you doing?”, he asked, fruitlessly trying to swipe Hans’ phone out of his hand, but Hans being faster and holding it out of reach, while typing onehanded.
“Taking a picture of your face after I dared to assume you would have forgotten your lover boy in such a short time.”
He flopped down next to Matteo and showed him the picture, already on the way to his Instagram story with the caption “What emotion is this?” and a box for people to type their guesses into.
Picture Matteo had drawn his eyebrows together, scrunched up his nose, and his mouth was open just a little bit.
“Which filter should I use?”, Hans asked him, flipping through all of them rapidly, while Matteo was still trying to process what was happening.
“Dude, you’re not posting that,” he told him, finally getting a hold of the phone, but Hans was not letting go.
“Don’t fuck with my phone, butterfly,” has said in a deadly tone that made Matteo pull another doubtlessly weird face if Hans’ puff of laughter was anything to go by.
Matteo huffed and let go of the phone, his stomach swooping like he was on a rollercoaster when his own phone buzzed again. Instead of looking at it instantly, like a big part of him wanted to, he watched Hans post the picture of Matteo to his story. His heart was hammering again. He wanted to know, but also, he didn’t? As long as he didn’t look, the notification had simultaneously come and not come from David.
Schrödinger’s meme, kinda.
“Sooo. What are you doing, posting memes about cute boys even though it’s neither Monday nor Friday?”, Hans asked, legs crossed on Matteo’s bed and head resting on his palm, arm propped up on his leg.
“Taking your advice.”
Hans’ eyebrows shot up. “Advice? Taking? Mine?”
Matteo breathed out deeply. “You told me to give him time. I’m doing that. But I’m also letting him know that I haven’t forgotten him. And still like him. And stuff.”
He wasn’t sure how Hans was going to react to that. He wasn’t exactly following his advice after all. Maybe he was being too pushy? He hadn’t mentioned David’s name or linked him or anything. But maybe it was still too much? Maybe he was putting pressure on David after all and that was the last thing he wanted.
Fuck.
Matteo eyed Hans warily, waiting for an answer while Hans pursed his lips, before smiling.
“I actually think this is really nice.”
Matteo closed his eyes briefly, stupidly relieved. He knew Hans had mostly been joking about being his gay guru and all and Matteo had similarly jokingly agreed to call him that. But Hans still had a certain power over him. He kind of craved his approval. Not that Matteo would ever tell him that.
Hans scooched closer to him and put a hand on his shoulder, digging his fingers a bit into the muscle there. “And also …”, he started and leaned his head forward, staring into Matteo’s eyes in a way that made it hard to keep eye contact but also apprehensive to look away.
“Also …?”, Matteo asked, shaking his head a little.
“Also, I’m proud of you for posting it. You wrote ‘him’ in the last part. You basically came out to the whole internet. That takes courage.” Hans’ lips curled into a closed-mouthed smile and he cocked his head in a way that reminded Matteo of David.
Suddenly, he had to swallow down the urge to start crying then and there.
He picked up his phone and pulled up the meme again to stare at that little “him” he had put there for all the world to see. He might have initially posted the meme for David, but in the end, he had sort of done it for himself, too. He had wanted to be braver, right? More courageous, more open. More, more, more.
Well. There was more of him out there than there had been before. People knew more about him, and so far, no one had commented anything shitty. He knew something was probably coming, but while he cared, he didn’t care to the point where other stuff wasn’t more important.
His friends accepted him. That was the most significant part. And he was trying to change and the meme had helped.
So, even if David didn’t like it, or didn’t reply, as much as that thought alone made Matteo feel a bit sick, even if that happened, at least he wasn’t shutting himself in so much anymore.
And there was still a chance of getting all he wanted, anyway.
That would have to be enough.
But after waiting away the whole day, after Hans offering to distract him a bit, after Mia bursting in with no warning much like Hans had done, after deleting five fucked up comments from his account and after finally falling asleep, Matteo woke up in the morning, sweaty and with his head feeling like it was filled with cotton candy.
It was only then, when he looked at his phone, that he saw it.
David still hadn’t liked his post.