Chapter Text
When Alec had applied to medical school several years ago, he had been prepared to face many hardships in his working life as a doctor – stress, long working hours, always being ready to get called in during emergencies. But most importantly: meeting patients and facing their pain, their sorrow, their grief. Sharing their suffering.
He hadn’t been prepared to be the one himself to suffer.
“Er,” said Alec, patting the part of his head where he’d been hit by a package of paracetamol. Not that it had actually hurt, far from it, since there had been no real force behind the throw. The only thing hurt was his pride. He bent down to pick up the package which had fallen to the floor. “What was that for?”
The culprit, Maia, was a nurse working at the same hospital ward as Alec. Alec had been under the impression that doctors and nurses were supposed to work together as companions, complementing each other, towards the greater good of the patients. Not throw medicine at each other.
Clearly, Alec had been wrong.
With the package of paracetamol in his hand, Alec straightened up and looked at her pointedly. “Well?”
Maia stood with her arms crossed and had a look on her face as if Alec was being a complete idiot. Which might be the case. He just had no idea why yet. “Because you need to get your shit together, Alec,” she said.
“Well, that’s your opinion and I can respect that,” said Alec. “But how does throwing a package of painkillers at me the accomplish that?” He raised the package of paracetamol in one hand and pointed at them with the other. “These are meant to ease pain, not cause it.”
“No shit, Sherlock.” Maia rolled her eyes. As if suddenly realizing something, she quickly reached forward and grabbed the package of paracetamol. “You know what, I need those. Give them back.”
Alec scoffed. “Well, go ahead. I never wanted them in the first place.” Frowning, he took a look around himself. “What are we even doing in here?”
They were currently standing in a secluded inventory room filled with a variety of medical equipment such as stethoscopes, sphygmomanometers, bandages and needles. Maia had pushed Alec in here, without explanation, and closed the door behind them, only to throw medicine at him. Alec figured the least he deserved was an explanation.
They had just left from a meeting with a patient, a lady in her late 60’s with several rare diagnoses, and it hadn’t precisely gone ideal. Alec had formulated a plan for her treatment about a week ago after she had undergone surgery in her spinal cord and had been certain her health would improve, but instead the opposite had happened. Recently, she had started experiencing a variety of strange symptoms and her health had begun deteriorating rapidly. And Alec just couldn’t understand why. It didn’t make any sense.
Although paler and thinner than she’d been when Alec had met her for the first time a couple of weeks ago, the lady hadn’t been angry. Sad, certainly, but not angry. Instead she had claimed she had accepted her declined health and the situation she was in.
Alec didn’t quite feel the same way.
“Because I could see you beating yourself up,” said Maia. “Look, I’ve been working here for almost five years now and these things happen. Sometimes patients don’t improve. It’s not your fault. You can’t blame yourself for all the bad things that happen. It won’t work long term.”
“I know, I know, but this.” Alec took a deep breath. “This just doesn’t make sense. And it’s frustrating.”
“Yes, but sometimes diseases don’t make sense and it is frustrating but you need to accept the outcome all the same.”
Alec took a second to consider this. “I’ll accept the outcome if I know I’ve done all I could have,” he concluded.
There was a small smile on Maia’s lips. “Just take care of yourself, alright? And if you don’t –“ Smirking, she grabbed a stethoscope from one of the shelves, and held it as a weapon. “I won’t hesitate to use this.”
Laughing, Alec raised both his hands. “Yeah, yeah, I promise. May I go now?”
Maia put the stethoscope back, smiling still. “You may go.”
On his way back to his desk, Alec put his hands in his pockets and sighed deeply. It was fair to say Alec was struggling. He had become a doctor to help people. That was his job. His responsibility. And not knowing how to do so was infuriating.
After getting a cup of coffee, Alec sat down at his desk to read through the lady’s hospital journal once again, desperately trying to find an answer to her problem. After twenty minutes of reading, he finally reached a conclusion:
He should ask someone else for help.
Last week, the lady had underwent surgery in her spinal cord, performed by Dr. Bane. Although Alec had not met Dr. Bane himself, he had read a couple of his scientific articles in medical school, which had been brilliant, so he knew he was very intelligent. So perhaps he could shed some light on things. And if he couldn’t – at least Alec could rest knowing he had done everything he could have.
Alec began drafting an email to Dr. Bane. Since Alec knew Dr. Bane was a highly esteemed neurosurgeon he figured he should try to write the email sounding as professional and respectful as possible. Alec knew how uptight, and frankly arrogant, surgeons could be. Always better to flatter them and suck up and get their help, rather than just asking and risking them ignoring you or ridiculing you. Especially when you hadn’t earned their respect yet and really needed their help. And having recently graduated and only having worked at the Stroke and Neurology ward for a few weeks, Alec figured he hadn’t earned any kind of respect yet. Yet. He wasn’t planning on sucking up to surgeons forever.
So Alec began typing.
From: Doctor Alexander Lightwood
To: Doctor Magnus Bane
Esteemed Dr. Bane,
Apologizes for the interruption of your undoubtedly valuable time. My name is Dr. Lightwood and I am in need of your assistance. One of my patients recently underwent surgery at your clinic. Unfortunately, she hasn’t progressed as I had hoped, and has lately experienced a wide variety of unexpected symptoms. Please, read her journal for additional information.
I was hoping we could discuss the patient’s further treatment together. Whilst recognizing you must have many people asking you for a piece of your time, I would be very grateful for your knowledge on the matter. It would indeed be invaluable.
Please get back to me as soon as possible with your answer.
Best regards,
Dr. A. Lightwood
Alec reread the email, considering. It was good – but was it good enough?
“Hey! Simon!” Alec called while leaning back in his chair, trying to catch the attention of the nurse currently sitting a couple of feet away, seemingly reading something on a computer of his own. At the sound of his name, Simon’s attention immediately shifted away from the computer and he caught Alec's eye and smiled widely, as though he was grateful for the distraction. “I need your help with something.”
Never leaving his chair, Simon rolled closer to Alec, still grinning. “And what can I do for you, young doctor Alec? Need help on how to appear busy to avoid getting dragged into work? Or maybe how to tighten your scrubs to make them display your biceps in a flattering way?”
Raising an eyebrow, Alec checked out Simons biceps to see the result of said fashion choice. His sleeves were slightly rolled up, but Alec wasn’t sure how that flattered his arms.
“To answer your first question,” Simon continued, oblivious to Alec’s unimpressed stare, and the fact that Alec had yet to ask a question, “you open a tab, put your elbows on the table, lean forward, furrow your eyebrows and stare as intently as you can at your screen, as if you’re solving a difficult puzzle. Then if someone walks by you start mumbling to yourself as if you’re completely captivated by what you’re reading. Something among the lines of “hm”, “ah”, or “I see”. If you’re feeling particularly theatrical, you can start rubbing you chin too as you do so.” Simon had finished his scroll across the floor and the two men were now sitting next to each other. “Really, Alec, I’m surprised they don’t teach you this at medical school.”
Alec rolled his eyes. “Oh my god,” he muttered.
“That’s good!” Simon exclaimed, grinning as if he was proud. “Although next time, say it to the computer and not to me. And lose the eye roll. Like this!” Simon put his elbows on Alec desk and leaned forward to stare at his screen, which was still displaying Alec’s unsent email to Dr. Bane, with an intense frown. “Oh my god,” Simon gasped, and proceeded to slam his right fist into the desk, which made Alec’s coffee dangerously close to spilling over the edge of his cup. Simon then turned around in his chair, and began speaking to an invisible person at the entrance of the room, all while waving his hand dramatically. “I am terribly sorry Susan, but I am afraid I cannot perform the scheduled biopsy today, as I am intensely busy with this, uh, complicated doctor stuff which require my full attention.”
Alec was frowning intensely. He had so many questions. “Who is Susan? I don’t know anybody named Susan.”
Simon turned around in his chair to face Alec again. “There is no Susan. Susan is imaginary. She’s made up for the sake of the argument. I am simply displaying to you how to appear busy to avoid working, like you asked.”
Alec sighed deeply. At some point he would need to come up with more ways to display his displeasure other than sighing, scoffing, rolling his eyes and raising an eyebrow if he were to survive working with Simon on a daily basis. “I literally never asked you for help with that. And wait,” he said, realizing something, “is that what you were doing, when I called your name just now?”
This time, it was Simon’s turn to roll his eyes, as if Alec were the unreasonable one. “Of course not. I’m a nurse, I can’t get away with using cheap tricks like that. But you, Alec, you are a doctor. You can. It’s like you don’t realize the power I’m offering you.”
Scoffing, Alec looked down at his cup of coffee standing on his desk. On it was a drawing of a smiling unicorn jumping over a rainbow. It had a text saying “follow you dreams!” above the unicorn. It had been a gift from Isabelle when he had gotten accepted into medical school. He’d used it frequently for the past couple of years. Raising the cup to his lips, Alec took a sip of his now slightly cold, black coffee. “I don’t want that power. Seems highly unethical.”
Smiling, Simon nodded slowly as if he understood and approved. His smile then changed, turning more wistful, and he put a hand on Alec’s arm and leaned in to whisper, “You have much to learn, my young padawan.”
“I am two years older than you.”
Simon removed his hand and leaned back again in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest and looked up at the ceiling as if he were in deep thought. “I would argue age has less to do with years and more to do with wisdom.”
“I-“ Alec put down his cup and took a deep breath, exasperated. Truly, this was his own fault for asking for Simon’s help in the first place. He knew this would happen, because this is what always happened. Alec asking for help with something, and the conversation steering into something completely different. It’s just, well, Alec had a lot of questions. Being new at his job and the hospital environment in general, there were a lot of things he didn’t know and he didn’t want to bother Doctor Loss with questions all the time. It’d be one thing if they were medical questions but usually Alec’s questions were more revolving social norms stuff. Alec was quite confident in his competence as a doctor, it was the abundance of social rules that he had a problem navigating. Asking whether an email was too formal or informal wasn’t something Alec wanted to bother someone he really respected with, like Dr. Loss. Simon, on the other hand, he had absolutely no issue in bothering.
Alec could also ask Clary, another nurse working at this ward and who also happened to be Jace’s girlfriend and Simon’s best friend, but she wasn’t working today so no luck there. Which was a shame, since Clary was always friendly and usually more to the point than Simon ever was, which Alec appreciated.
If Maia was here, Alec supposed he could have asked her too. But she might just have thrown paracetamol at him again.
Hospitals were a strange place.
“Look,” said Alec, reclaiming the control of the conversation, although not entirely sure he had ever had it in the first place, “I need your help. Do you know Doctor Bane?”
“Um,” said Simon, “you mean Magnus?”
“Doctor Magnus Bane, yes. The neurosurgeon. Wrote a scientific article a couple of months ago about the prevalence of multiple sclerosis in older women.”
“Yeah, sure, he drops by sometimes when he’s treating patients here. I like to think we’re friends, but he seems to think I’m annoying and keeps calling me Sherling or Sherming.”
“Shocking,” Alec mumbled under his breath.
“I mean, are those even real names? Clary, on the other hand, he seems to like and always calls biscuit, which I think is unfair,” Simon continued, ignoring Alec’s mumblings. “Why do you ask?”
Sighing, Alec looked back at his email draft. “I need his help with a patient. I was hoping to get to talk to him one on one, to discuss further treatment, and so I wrote him an email. I’m just worried I come across as too formal or informal. I don’t want to, like, offend him or anything.”
Simon immediately sat up straight with a huge beam on his face. “Oh! So it’s like we’re in high school, and you’re texting a cute guy and need help from your best friend, that being me, on how to appear interested but not too interested. I get you.” Simon winked. “I did that all the time with Clary.”
“What! No. It’s not like that at all. I just-“ Alec waved his hand, trying to find the right words. A part of him felt mortified, because it was a slightest bit like that. Overanalyzing what words to send, with the help of Simon of all people. It was probably a good thing Alec hadn’t dated in high school, and hardly in college either for that matter, as he would have been overthinking everything all the time then too. Probably a good thing he wasn’t dating now either. He had enough to think about as it was. “It’s just that I’m aware that there is a certain hierarchy at all hospitals, with surgeons being at the top and newly graduates being at the bottom. I mean, you know how surgeons are.”
Simon nodded in a tell me about it-sort of way.
“So I just want to display my respect in this email in an appropriate manner so that Doctor Bane will take the time to speak with me,” continued Alec. “I mean, I know he is very accomplished.”
“Right,” Simon chuckled and turned to the computer screen. “Well, let me read it then.”
Whilst reading, Simon’s eyes grew and he pressed his lips together, as if he was trying to suppress a smile, although why Alec had no idea. When he had finished, he coughed and nodded slowly to himself, not really meeting Alec’s eye. “Good stuff, Alec. Uh, really nice .That’s, uh.” He coughed again. “Yeah, yeah, very good. Perfection, truly.” He still pressed his lips together and appeared to be taking deep breaths. His cheeks had grown slightly red.
Confused, Alec said, “Okay? So I should send it then?”
“You know what?” Simon finally looked back at Alec. “Let me tell you some about Magn- uh, I mean Doctor Bane!” Simon leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, looking intently at Alec. “He’s a typical surgeon. Considers himself the king of the hospital hierarchy. Very old school, always talking about “the good old days”. A traditional guy, if you will. Appreciates good manners and respect and that sort of things. Now, I wouldn’t go as far as calling him arrogant, but, well, you know. Catering to his ego won’t hurt.”
Taking mental notes, Alec nodded. He could really picture this Dr. Bane guy, probably some white guy in his late 50’s or early 60’s, thinking he was above everyone else because he had happened to create a career for himself in a commonly highly respected profession. Alec hoped he never became like that.
Still, Alec had to recognize that Dr. Bane’s work was impressive and Alec truly did want some of his expertise if he himself was going to have the same skill one day. Which is why he had no problem catering to Dr. Bane’s ego, even if he did sound like an uptight asshole from what Simon was saying. “I see. So what are you suggesting?”
“I think you could do even better, Alec. Add something among the lines of how you’re looking forward to making his acquaintance. And that it would be an honor to be working with him. He’ll love that.”
“Right,” said Alec, and put his fingers on the keyboard. He added what Simon had suggested.
From: Doctor Alexander Lightwood
To: Doctor Magnus Bane
Esteemed Dr. Bane,
Apologizes for the interruption of your undoubtedly valuable time. My name is Dr. Lightwood and I am in need of your assistance. One of my patients recently underwent surgery at your clinic. Unfortunately, she hasn’t progressed as I had hoped, and has lately experienced a wide variety of unexpected symptoms. Please, read her journal for additional information.
I was hoping we could discuss the patient’s further treatment together. Whilst recognizing you must have many people asking you for a piece of your time, I would be very grateful for your knowledge on the matter. It would indeed be invaluable and an honor on my part to be working with you.
Please get back to me as soon as possible with your answer.
Looking forward to making your acquaintance.
Best regards,
Doctor A. Lightwood
“Like that?” Alec asked. It did read somewhat close to a fan-email to a celebrity, but maybe that’s what Dr. Bane was into.
Simon smirked. “Perfect.”
“Right, well. That was all I needed. Thank you for your help, Simon.”
Alec reviewed the email another time while Simon stayed where he was, still smiling.
“Um,” said Alec, casting another glance at Simon, “you can go now.”
“Oh, I just want to see you send the email, and then I’ll leave.”
Rolling his eyes, Alec pressed ‘send’. “Happy?”
“Very.” Simon smiled as he stood up, something odd gleaming in his eyes. “Always a pleasure talking to you, Alec. But if I could offer you one last piece of advice.”
Alec sighed. “Fine. But this better not be about how to make my biceps look better in scrubs. I’m not interested.”
“Ha. No. You don’t need that anyway.” Simon’s smile softened. “Look, you need to stop overthinking things and just be yourself. Because you’re pretty great as you are, and that’s how you’re going to win people over.”
What Simon didn’t seem to understand was that “overthinking things” was quite a large part of Alec’s personality, so in a way he was truly himself when he was overthinking things. Still, Alec appreciated the sentiment. “Thanks.”
Seeming satisfied, Simon nodded and walked back to his computer, dragging the chair with him.
Alec returned to his own computer. Now all he could do was hope Dr. Bane took the email well and would be willing to offer his assistance. Soon, preferably.
--
Alec didn’t consider himself a man of many hobbies. He was very interested in medicine and anatomy, but working as a doctor probably couldn’t be considered a hobby. However, he did find pleasure and enjoyment in many other things – such as in arguing on topics that he was passionate about.
And Alec was very passionate about his hatred towards Mondays.
Looking intently at Isabelle, Alec took a deep breath. “Look,” he said, “the reason I hate Mondays is not because it’s the first day after the weekend and you know you have a full week of work ahead of you or whatever generic mainstream reason everyone else has. Since I work both weekdays and weekends at the hospital, that doesn’t matter anyway."
“Then what is it?” asked Isabelle, chewing on spaghetti. “Do tell, big brother. I am positively intrigued. Bursting with excitement.”
Alec found her sarcasm mildly offending. But sometimes, as an older sibling, you had to be the bigger person and explain your reasoning without taking offense at your younger siblings general “being a little shit”-nes.
“It’s because I hate every kind of day, and Mondays happens to be one of them,” Alec explained, calmly.
“Wow, Alec,” Isabelle drawled, the sarcasm even more prominent than before, “you sure know how to brighten the mood.”
They were currently at Clary and Jace’s apartment having vegetarian spaghetti Bolognese. Which had been made by Clary, not Isabelle, thankfully. They had learned their lesson when Isabelle had tried to make spaghetti carbonara a couple of weeks ago and accidentally used noodles instead of spaghetti.
Jace and Clary made a point of having a family dinner at least once a week. This week only Alec and Isabelle were present. Isabelle had recently broken up with her latest boyfriend Meliorn, so he wasn’t invited any longer. And well, Alec didn’t date much. He hadn’t brought a guy he was romantically interested in with him for nearly four years now. He had brought Lydia though, his best friend from medical school, a couple of times. However, she’d moved to the UK after graduation so Alec didn’t see much of her these days. Although they kept in touch frequently, he did miss her a lot.
Sometimes Max would join them, but since he was at college now, being busy with all sorts of things, he usually wasn’t. And their parents were only invited during special occasions, such as holidays and birthdays. So now it was just Alec and Isabelle sitting with Jace and Clary at their round table in their Brooklyn apartment, sharing a meal of spaghetti.
“Although you have to agree, it is strange that we’ve had our weekly family dinner on a Monday for several weeks now,” Alec continued. “I personally have no bias against Mondays, I hate all days equally, but a lot of people do have a certain dislike towards Mondays.”
“He has a point,” said Clary, joining the conversation. “I hate Mondays too. Although not because of what Alec refers to as a “generic mainstream reason”, but because I had bunny growing up named Monday. Gave her the nickname Mindy. And she was so mean. Bit me in the toe constantly. My mother eventually said she took her to “a ranch”. But ever since then I’ve had a distinct hatred towards Mondays.”
Jace sighed. “And there goes my plan to name my first born child Monday Generic Mainstream Bitch Herondale. Damn you bunny from Clary’s childhood. I curse the day you bit your first toe!”
“Oh my god,” Isabelle groaned, exasperated. “What’s wrong with my family? You,” she said, pointing her fork in Alec’s direction, “need to get over your “I hate everything” emo-phase. You’re not a teenager anymore. And we all know you don’t mean it.”
“Fine. I am moderately discontent with every day in an equal manner.” Alec raised his eyebrows. “Happy?”
“Not really, but it’ll do.” Isabelle turned to Clary. “And you need to get over obsessing over the pets of your childhood. What’s even up with that? And you,” she turned to Jace, “you just need to get over being plain weird.”
“Um, excuse you. I am not weird,” said Jace, feigning offence. “Clary is.”
The conversation spiraled out of control from there, turning into an argument as to who was the weirdest and why that was.
Having finished his food a long time ago, Alec decided this was a good time to zone out for a moment. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. It had been a long day today after all and the fatigue was finally starting to kick in. After a few moments of peace, he could feel someone starting to kick his foot lightly.
“How are you, Alec?” Isabelle asked quietly. “You look tired. “
Alec opened his eyes and sat up straight. “I’m alright. Long day at work.”
“Is Simon giving you a hard time again?” Clary asked.
“No, not really. He’s not too bad, I guess.” Alec glanced at Clary. “Although, don’t tell him I said that.”
Clary chuckled. “Fine. I promise.”
“I’m just dealing with some difficult stuff at work right now. Like, I have this vision of how I want my patients treatments to go, how I want them to progress and then it doesn’t go that way and they relapse instead and it’s frustrating.”
“Alec,” said Jace, uncharacteristically softly, “you can’t take responsibility for every person hurting at the hospital. You won’t be able to cure everyone. If you’re going to survive working as a doctor, you need to accept that.”
“You know, it’s funny,” Alec said, remembering being hit in the head by a package of paracetamol earlier that day, “you’re not the first one to tell me that today.”
“Then there’s probably some truth to it. And also, you need to let go of work when you’re not actually at work,” Isabelle said. She was the only one at the table who wasn’t a health care professional. Clary being a nurse, Jace a physiotherapist and Alec a doctor, Isabelle did stand out a little, working as a retail consultant at a designer store “You have to focus on something else sometimes. Like dating! I know this cute guy at work-“
Alec rolled his eyes. “And here we go.”
“I’m serious!” Isabelle exclaimed. “You take care of so many people. But who takes care of you?”
“I take care of me.”
Isabelle crossed her arms, raising her eyebrows. “Do you?”
Alec shrugged. “Sure.”
“Okay, so you don’t want to go on a date with this guy from work? He’s really nice.”
“No, Iz, I have no interest in going on dates with random people I don’t know.”
Which was something the people in his surroundings never seemed to accept. Isabelle and Jace both kept telling him repeatedly to go on dates, “take more risks” and “be more spontaneous”. It just wasn’t something Alec enjoyed. Like dating. It was most often embarrassing, awkward and it left you feeling emotionally drained. Not to mention that it was horribly time consuming, which was something Alec did not have. He needed to focus on his career right now – he didn’t have time to flirt with boys. Not that Alec had any idea how to flirt with boys, which only added another reason as to why Alec did not date. He could barely talk to men he found attractive, so the odds were truly not in his favor.
Although, Alec could admit he craved the end result of dating – having a partner, someone to share his life with. He just didn’t want to go through the process of actually getting that.
He just wanted to have it.
“Let’s leave Alec’s love life alone,” Clary said. “Besides, I’m getting tired too, so maybe it’s time to call it a night.”
Everyone agreed since it was starting to get quite late. Alec offered to help with the dishes, but Jace said no, claiming “they had a dishwasher for that”. Which, of course, Alec knew but he still felt the right thing to do was to offer anyway. So he did that every week. It was basically a routine at this point.
As he put on his coat and hat, getting ready to leave, something suddenly hit him. ”Oh, and Clary? Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” Clary said. She was leaning against a wall in the hallway. Jace went to stand next to her, and put a loose strand of hair from her ponytail behind her ear. It promptly fell back again, but Clary smiled nonetheless.
“Do you know Doctor Bane?” Alec asked.
It was evening now and Alec still hadn’t gotten a reply to his email. Not that Alec was excessively worried, Dr. Bane was probably just very busy as Alec had anticipated and not ignoring Alec because he didn’t want to help him. But still. Alec supposed he was a little worried.
Clary had a look of confusion on her face. “You mean Magnus?”
“Doctor Magnus Bane, yeah. The neurosurgeon.”
“Bro,” said Jace, chuckling, “everyone knows Magnus.”
Obviously, Alec didn’t. “I don’t,” he snorted.
“Well, you should,” Jace continued. “I think you would like him.”
Alec frowned. “You think so?”
“Yeah. I mean, you have a lot in common.”
They were both doctors working at the same hospital, so Alec supposed that was true.
“Anyway,” said Clary, “why do you ask?”
“It’s just, well, I wrote him an email this morning asking for his help with something and he hasn’t responded yet. Do you think it’s because he’s just been busy or because he’s ignoring me? What’s more in line with his character?”
“Uh, why would he ignore you?” Jace asked. “What did you do this time?”
“Nothing!” Alec exclaimed. “I was really polite, complemented him and everything.”
For some reason, this made Clary laugh. “Then he’s been busy or hasn’t seen it yet. Magnus loves compliments.”
“Okay, I’ll be sure to remember that,” Alec mumbled. Maybe that was why Dr. Bane liked Clary and not Simon, because she gave him compliments.
“Yeah, don’t worry about it, Alec,” said Jace. “Don’t overthink this like you always do. It’s going to be fine.”
Alec sighed. Another person telling him to stop overthinking things today. They had a point, Alec knew they did. Just realizing something and actually being able to do something about it were two completely different things.
After thanking them for their help, Alec said his good byes and left. He ended up sitting on a cold, stiff seat on the subway on his way home, listening to his favorite Spotify playlist, watching strangers getting on and off. Some bumped into him unapologetically while some stared intently down at their phones, barely seeming aware there was a world existing around them.
Alec thought to himself that New York was kind of like an annoying, trouble-seeking younger sibling who never grew up. Always loud, always causing trouble, always trying to push your buttons in some way. Never just leaving you in peace. And yet, you were protective of them - always ready to defend them. At least, that’s how Alec felt about New York. The city was a central part of Alec’s being at this point. He had grown up here and couldn’t imagine leaving either, not permanently at least. The same way he could never leave his family, the people he loved the most. He always cherished the days when he got to see his family. Especially Max, since those days were quite rare. Those were always his favorite days.
But there was always something like a backlash when he ultimately left them. He missed them immediately. And intensely. A huge part of Alec wanted nothing more than to have a family of his own – one he didn’t have to part with constantly, but one he got to see every day. He knew that wasn’t in the cards for him at the moment, especially because of his no dating-rule.
But still, he liked to dream about it. Giving love and being loved like that on a daily basis.
When Alec finally reached his apartment, he took his shoes off and began his evening routine. Took a shower, had a sandwich, checked his phone, set his alarm. Went to his empty bed where the silence was penetratingly loud.
He tried to ignore the familiar cold ache that was beginning to form in his stomach as he settled down. He took large blanket from the edge of his bed to make himself warmer but it didn’t quite help when the coolness was on the inside.
The thing about feeling lonely is that it is like pain, in a way - you can only truly understand it in the moment you experience it. Like, Alec could think back to when he broke his arm when he was 21, skiing with Jace. He knew he was in excruciating pain then because he remembered sobbing uncontrollably and yelling at Jace to just do something. So, he knew, looking back, that he was in a lot of pain then. Even so, he couldn’t relate to it now; couldn’t imagine at all what it had felt like.
It’s the same when Alec’s patients tell him they’re in pain. Alec could sympathize, but not empathize. Whatever feeling Alec’s mind would be able to conjure wouldn’t measure in the slightest to what that person was feeling right then.
Pain, which can be achingly familiar and yet unique to every experience, can only truly be understood in the moment you’re hurting.
Loneliness was the same. Although, it could certainly be argued that loneliness was a sort of pain. Regardless, when Alec he was happy, like he usually was at work, he could remember the times he’d felt loneliness, but not the actual feeling.
As Alec lied down in his empty bed, in his quiet apartment and felt the familiar coldness in his body, the shortness of breath and that factor that one cannot quite describe. That deep longing for something more. He thought to himself, as he did so many nights,
Oh, right. This is what it feels like.
--
After having his morning coffee out of his signature unicorn mug, a discussion about a patient with Maia, a second cup of coffee out of his signature unicorn mug, having a look at a curious looking wound at an old man’s knee, Alec went to have a third cup of coffee from his signature unicorn mug.
Alec then sat down at his desk, took a sip from the dark elixir of life and checked his email. He sat up straight and immediately put down his cup when he noticed he had gotten a reply from Dr. Bane, received just a couple of minutes ago.
From: Doctor Magnus Bane
To: Doctor Alexander Lightwood
Highly respected colleague Dr. Lightwood,
whom I have never met, nor have I heard of,
but I still feel has earned the title of ‘respected colleague’.
From your words I sense a reluctance to concede,
So the decision of asking for assistance from me was wise, indeed.
I see no problem with us two meeting whatsoever -
Would Wednesday perchance be a suitable day for this endeavor?
Sincerely,
Dr. Magnus Bane
Ps. While I appreciate your concern, you highly overestimate how valuable my time is. I just spent 20 minutes writing this poor excuse of a poem.
Ps 2. Please don’t lose all your respect for me. I liked it.
“What,” Alec muttered to himself, as he reread the email for the third time. What was this? A joke? A hidden message? Illuminati? Had Dr. Bane accidentally emailed the wrong person? Although, Alec’s name was at the top of the email so that wasn’t likely.
There was only one thing to do. Alec turned around in his chair and spotted what had become his, although Alec would never admit this out loud, social norms at the hospital guide.
“Simon!” Alec called, groaning internally. “Get over here. Please.”
Immediately, Simon left whatever he was doing, which seemed to be some documenting, and walked over to Alec. “But of course, my young padawan. For you I would travel to Mordor, I would defeat Voldemort, I would-“
“Enough. Please. Enough, alright. Just-” Alec sighed and again wondered why he kept taking advice from someone who claimed their greatest accomplishment was completing Final Fantasy X in less than 10 hours. Personally, Alec would argue graduating from nursing school was a greater accomplishment, but each to their own, he supposed. Either way, Alec angled his computer screen to show Simon the email. “Um. Is this normal?”
Simon leaned down to read the email and, when finished, exclaimed, “Ha!” He turned to face Alec, not looking fazed at all from the email’s content. “Well, no. But then, nobody ever claimed Magnus was normal either.”
Alec frowned. “What do you mean? Like, is he joking? Should I write back “lol” or something?” It did strike Alec as quite unprofessional to use modern acronyms in a professional setting, but then, old people used the internet too nowadays, right? Hadn’t they basically taken over Facebook at this point?
“Who knows? He keeps calling me all these weird names and I like to think he’s joking but I’m considering that at some point I’ll just have to accept the fact that he just doesn’t know my name.” Simon shook his head and sighed. “But this? Probably a joke. So, sure, add a ‘lol’. Hell, even a ‘lmao’ if you’re feeling particularly adventurous.”
“I never feel particularly adventurous,” Alec muttered. It was true. It just wasn’t him, regardless of whether people accepted that or not.
At the moment, Alec had quite a hard time picturing what Dr. Bane was like. An old fashioned surgeon, who answered work emails with poems, liked compliments and whose colleagues had a hard time making distinctions as to when he was joking and when he was serious. But Alec supposed it didn’t matter. He needed his help still. He started typing an email.
From: Doctor Alexander Lightwood
To: Doctor Magnus Bane
Esteemed Dr. Bane,
Lol.
No need to worry, you have not lost my respect in the slightest.
Wednesday is perfect. Looking forward to discussing treatment with you.
All the best,
Dr. A. Lightwood
“Short but effective,” said Alec, after finishing. “Right?”
“That’s what she said,” Simon snickered, elbowing Alec in the ribs suggestively.
Alec put his face in his hands and mumbled, “Why do I associate with you.”
“Because I’m the only one around right now and therefore your only option,” answered Simon with a huge grin. “Either way, the email looks great. So, if you’ll excuse me, my young padawan-“
“Would you stop calling me that?”
“- I have a job to attend to.”
“Fine.” Alec sent the email, before realizing something. “Hey, Simon? One more thing.”
Simon turned around in his chair. “Yeah?”
“What does Doctor Bane look like? Just so I’ll recognize him when he drops by tomorrow.”
Grinning, Simon said with a wink, “I think you’ll know who he is when you see him.”
Alec frowned. “What does that mean?”
Turning around in his chair, away from Alec, Simon said, “Terribly sorry, Alec, but I am afraid I don’t have time to help you any longer. Patients to save, medicine to distribute. You know the drill.”
This conversation had been so unhelpful. “Fine,” sighed Alec, dropping the subject. “Thank you anyway.”
--
Several hours and many cups of coffees later, Alec found himself sitting at his computer again. He checked his email. There were a lot of them but the one that caught his eye first was the reply from Dr. Bane. He opened it immediately.
From: Doctor Magnus Bane
To: Doctor Alexander Lightwood
Dr. Lightwood,
Glad to hear it!
Cu tomorrow then. I’ll drop by sometime during the afternoon
Xoxo
Dr. Magnus Bane
Alec huffed in surprise and closed the tab. Dr. Bane had to be the strangest surgeon Alec had yet to come across and Alec hadn’t even met him yet.
As Alec started writing down different strategies and medicine treatments that he could discuss tomorrow at their meeting, he could feel himself finally starting to relax. Perhaps Dr. Bane was a shallow, old fashioned, arrogant and strange surgeon, but that didn’t really matter. Alec was here for his patients after all, not to make friends.
So really, what’s the worst that could happen?