Chapter Text
By the time Ichigo turns 20 and is legal in the eyes of the law, he's been through two wars, defeated several threats to Soul Society and been to Hell twice. Literally. His life has been several long years of “get stronger or everyone will die” and there's barely been time for anything else since he was 15. So he feels pretty entitled to the minor freak out he has the first time he looks at Kyouraku Shunsui, now Captain-Commander of the Gotei 13, and feels his whole body tremble.
It hadn't even been anything special, just a normal captain's meeting that Ichigo had to attend because he had been the one to defeat and apprehended a criminal on the loose (again). Kyouraku had looked straight at him with one grey eye, always that hint of shrewd intelligence in its depth, as he thanked him for his assistance and Ichigo had shivered from head to toe.
Holy fuck.
Okay, so maybe Ichigo hadn't paid much attention to anything related to romance or any other kind of normal teenage feelings as he fought to save Soul Society from enemy after enemy after enemy, and he had never managed to feel even a hint of interest towards Inoue despite her obvious crush on him. But he liked to think he was aware enough of his own feelings to at least know his interests and preferences. Apparently not.
After the meeting, Ichigo had shunpoed the hell out of Seireitei without a word to anyone. There was no way he was gonna have his small existential crisis with people nearby. It was bad enough that he was freaking out about it at all, and he definitely didn't want anyone else to see it.
Ichigo has always thought that love is the same in any form - things like gender doesn't matter at all. Nothing about Renji's massive crush on Byakuya, or Ikkaku and Yumichika's very obvious relationship had even been given a second thought over the years. That's just how things were and he accepted them as normal. It was seemingly not quite the same when it came to himself. Ichigo didn't even know what he was panicking about - was it that he might prefer guys? That it was Kyouraku he'd reacted to? Or just the fact that he was feeling anything towards anyone at all?
It felt pretty pathetic, honestly, to pace around an empty clearing miles out in Rukongai because of one look from someone he had known for years. What the heck.
He tenses when someone's reiatsu appears on the other side of the clearing, then Shinji's distinct hair settles from the wind and he relaxes. Shinji does the same, casually seating himself on the bare ground, leaning up against a tree.
"So," Shinji says after a moment of silence. "Want ta talk about whatever happened?"
The need to twitch almost hurts when Ichigo forces himself to stillness. There's literally nothing to freak about, Ichigo knows, and he trusts Shinji with his life. This isn’t nearly as serious as basically everything else they've been through together. But the panic is still simmering in his blood and he balks at the thought of actually voicing any of these new thoughts out loud. He's never been a talk-about-your-feelings kinda guy anyway.
(More of the ignore-it-until-it-goes-away type.)
"Talk about what?" he says instead. Of course there is no point trying to play this game with Shinji, but Ichigo has always been stubborn to a fault and he sees no reason to change that today.
Shinji rolls his eyes. "Come on now, Ichigo. No need ta play games with me. We both know it's not normal for ya ta rush out like that. And all the way out here. Took me some time ta find ya, even."
"You didn't have to find me," Ichigo says, sulking. But he knows that Shinji honestly cares about him, and Shinji knows that Ichigo knows that, and that’s why they are having this conversation.
"It's nothing important," he tries, one last time. The unimpressed look he gets in return is not unexpected, but he sighs anyway. "Fine. You’re too damn stubborn. Bastard."
Shinji snorts loudly. "Look who's talkin'. Now, come on. Stop stallin' and tell me what's botherin' ya."
What's bothering him? Kyouraku Shunsui is bothering him. And oh god, there's no way he can say that aloud. Literally no way.
"You know what, it's nothing after all. I just overreacted and everything will be fine. Just fine. On its own."
Ichigo knows he's panicking, Shinji knows he's panicking, and things just went from strange to serious. Ichigo can see Shinji's gaze sharpening with focus.
"Ichigo."
Ichigo feels his heartbeat speed up, and he throws a glance into the forest, just a quick shunpo away and then maybe he could-
"Ichigo."
It's a warning, clear as day, and Ichigo raises both hands reflexively, like he’s warding off an attack. He knows from experience that Shinji is not above tying him up with kidou - several, even - to get answers.
"Fine! Fine, we'll talk. I just don't-" Ichigo scrubs both hands over his face in frustration. Shinji watches, silent and patient and deadly calm.
"I don't know how to say it," Ichigo finally confesses, shoulders drooping in defeat.
That raises a surprised eyebrow as Shinji ponders the statement. Ichigo is a straightforward kid, and doesn't normally have any problems clearly expressing his thoughts and opinions. Too clearly, even, the brat. The only thing that ever seem to make him clam up is - ah. Well, isn't that interesting.
"Did ya get yerself tangled up in emotions, Ichigo?" He teases and is rewarded with the beginning of red on pale ears. But Ichigo doesn't bristle and snap back at him like he usually would, so Shinji mentally revises his plan. He doesn't like the defeated slump to Ichigo's shoulders.
"It's nothin' ta be ashamed of, Ichigo," he says softly. God knows his brat beats himself up enough over useless things as it is. "It happens ta the best o' us. But keepin' it inside won't do ya any good. Better ta get it off yer chest while ya can."
Ichigo glares half-heartedly at him. "Easy for you to say, you're not the one who has to talk," he sulks. But then he sighs again and some tension eases away. "You can't laugh," he says suddenly, quickly, and now he definitely looks more embarrassed than anything else. That suits him much better, in Shinji's opinion.
He puts on his best innocent face. "Cross my heart and hope ta die."
That earns him a Look and Shinji can't help the grin. Ichigo rolls his eyes so hard it looks like it hurts, and mumbles something about "why do I even bother", but it's apparently enough because he takes a deep, fortifying breath.
"I might have, uhm ... discovered, something about myself? That, hmm ..." Ichigo trails off, clearly uncomfortable. Shinji looks at pale cheeks slowly turning rosy and there's a sudden inkling in the back of his mind where this conversation might be headed. But he only raises an eyebrow in silent encouragement.
Ichigo clenches and unclenches his hands a few times before continuing. "That I maybe should have realized a few years ago," he forces out in a rush. His cheeks have a bright blush high on both cheekbones now, and Shinji feels several pieces of an almost-forgotten puzzle click into place.
"Oh?" It's all he says, but something in his voice must give him away because Ichigo glances up at him, startled, and pales immediately upon seeing Shinji's grin.
"No," Ichigo breathes, and Shinji is barely quick enough to cast a Rikujokoro to stop him before he shunpos away.
"Now, now, Ichigo, what kind o' behaviour is this? Trying ta leave in the middle of a conversation?" Shinji drawls, casually strolling closer to the imprisoned substitute shinigami. He leans forward to meet Ichigo's gaze dead on. "And now that we were finally gonna talk ‘bout boys."
Ichigo's face explodes into colour and Shinji cackles as he retreats to sit back down against the nearest tree, gleefully ignoring Ichigo's half-hearted cries of "I never said anything about that!"
With a quick twist of his fingers the bakudou is released and Ichigo falls to his knees before he catches himself. He gives Shinji a look that would've set him on fire if it was possible, but his lovely red cheeks ruins the effect quite a bit and Shinji just grins back.
"Come now, Ichigo. We both know I won't leave ya alone til we get ta the bottom of this, so ya might as well come o'er here and finish it now." He pats the ground beside him. Ichigo gives him another blistering glare, but he shuffles over and drops into an ungrateful heap next to him anyway.
"I hate you," he mumbles from behind his hands, hiding his red face.
"No, ya don't," Shinji replies easily. He raises a knee to rest his hand on and then pokes Ichigo's messy locks with it, until Ichigo smacks it away with a scowl. "Only the last bit left, now. Be a big boy and tell me which man finally opened yer eyes ta the wonders of love."
Ichigo sputters for several moments. "I didn't-, there was no-, I never said-" he finally stops to take a breath. "I never said anything about liking guys," he mutters finally.
"No, ya didn't," Shinji agrees, "but ya didn't hafta. I've know ya for years, Ichigo, gimme a little credit. Besides, I don't know any straight guy who would've been okay with Rukia sleepin’ in their closet the way ya did. Ya never showed any interest in Orihime-chan despite her massive crush on ya, and ya don't even blink when women like Matsumoto throw themselves at ya. Plus yer not really close ta anyone other than Rukia and Orihime. For anyone who knows ta look, it's been obvious for years that women probably ain't yer cup o' tea."
The surprised look on Ichigo's face makes him a little sad. Ichigo is so used to be the one looking after and protecting everyone else that he never expects anyone to look after him. It's something Shinji and a few others have been trying to work on, but it's slow going.
Ichigo finally gathers himself enough to point out that, "that doesn't mean I would be interested in guys, though." But he doesn't sound defensive about it, just curious. Shinji grins again.
"No, it doesn't. But ya have a slew of guys that ya have pulled into yer orbit since ya became a shinigami, and I think that says a lot." At Ichigo's blank look, he rolls his eyes. "Yer so oblivious, I swear- Think about it, would ya? Ya converted that Ishida-kid from shinigami-hatin' quincy ta someone who's been by yer side since ya stepped foot inta Soul Society fer the first time. Ya sparked a rivalry in Abarai so strong that it caused him ta go against his own captain, and now he's one of yer best friends and he's had yer back ever since. Ya turned Byakuya's life, rules and moral code upside down and he's too had yer back ever since. Remember Tsukishima and his ability ta alter memories? And who believed yer word over his own memory? Chad has been followin' ya since high school, no more ta say about that, there's those Madarame and Ayasegawa guys from the 11th that seem like they're more than a little fond of ya and there's also Kenpachi who has a quite unhealthy obsession with ya, honestly, and I've heard rumours about this one espada ya fought twice that-"
Ichigo slaps a hand over his mouth. "Fine! Fine. I don't really understand what that has to do with anything, but just stop talking, please."
Shinji takes a moment to appreciate the new colour that stains Ichigo's cheeks, and then licks his hand.
As Ichigo jerks back with a grimace, Shinji pokes one of the red cheeks. "Ya never answered my question, Ichigo. Who opened yer eyes ta somethin’ that's been ignored fer years? I know ya've never been interested in no one before."
"I'm not telling you," Ichigo snaps back, cradling his "dirty" hand in the other. His cheeks are still rosy but there's a glint of satisfaction in the back of his eyes, like he's gonna enjoy keeping Shinji in the dark about this one thing. Too bad Shinji doesn't really need Ichigo to say it out loud.
"Considerin' how ya high-tailed it out of the meeting today, I'm assumin’ that's when it happened," he muses. Next to him Ichigo goes completely still. Definitely during the meeting, then. "Hmm. But who did ya interact with? It was fairly short, just ta talk about that stupid criminal ya caught, and Shunsui was the only one who-" Shinji trails off, mouth snapping shut. No way.
But Ichigo's shoulders are raised almost to his ears, which are also turning an alarming shade of red. Shinji takes a moment to digest that. Well then.
"Shunsui was the only one who really talked today," he repeats, just to see the way Ichigo can't quite hide a twitch at the name. We have a winner.
"Ya didn't," he says gleefully. Ichigo doesn't look at him, ears burning through his hair. Shinji cackles. "Ya did! Kyouraku Shunsui, current Captain-Commander of the Gotei 13. That's who finally got through ta yer little gay heart. Oh Ichigo, ya never settle fer ordinary, do ya."
At this point, Ichigo's shoulders are wound so tight it must be physically painful but he doesn't move. He's still refusing to meet Shinji's gaze too and it's a little worrying. Maybe he pushed a bit too far. He switches gears.
"It's completely fine, ya know," Shinji says quietly; kindly, honestly. "Shunsui is a good man, no matter what anyone says, and I've known 'im longer than most. He's one o' the few people I'd accept fer ya. He'll take care of ya the way ya deserve."
Ichigo looks up at that, startled, and his eyes are vulnerable in a way Shinji isn't sure he's ever seen before. Then he somehow wrestles some of his usual mask back and scowls fiercely.
"Yeah, okay, while that sure sounds nice and all, it's never gonna happen. I'm sure as hell not gonna do anything, and neither is he. There's no way." Ichigo gets to his feet and glares down at Shinji. "So thanks for this wonderful talk but I've got better things to do." And with that he shunpos away fast enough to make Yoruichi proud.
Shinji sits there for a few moments longer, lingering on the memory of rosy cheeks and eyes far too old and far too lonely to belong to a 20-year old.
I wouldn't bet on it, Ichigo, he thinks as he gets to his feet. Shinji will never be able to outsmart actual geniuses like Urahara, but he has a working brain and eyes that see more than people think. He's not the only one.
And Ichigo has never been aware of how he appears to other people, the effect his larger-than-life presence has on anyone that comes within reach. He barely realises, even after all these years, the effect he’s had on Soul Society just by being himself.