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There were things about Jensen that Jared knew he didn’t know.
Not that he believed that Jensen was lying to him, but there were things that he kept to himself. Parts of his past that he omitted not to hurt Jared but to protect himself. Jared understood Jensen like someone who had been deeply studying a subject in school. He knew his cues, he knew his ticks, he knew the signs where Jared’s happy go lucky personality was doing more harm than good, and he understood that when he was struggling, when Jared was falling into a depression, how much Jensen took on to bring him out.
Jensen was a rock in most people’s lives. It was the area that he thrived. Being there for others, being the person anyone could call at any moment, being the strong one was where Jensen found his purpose. The downside to someone who isn’t used to being vulnerable is that when they need someone, they don’t know how to ask; the fear of being seen as weak to the people that they loved was as scary as any phobia someone could have. But, in reality, all of those people were waiting on pins and needles to return the favor and be there for those who were always there for others.
Jared had learned how to do that without Jensen knowing. He’d send texts to the crew when Jensen was going to need something extra that day; he’d plan a vacation as a ‘surprise’ when he knew Jensen was cracking; he’d pull a funny on set when Jensen was blurring the lines between himself and hell storm that Dean Winchester had been created to be; he’d order a movie night when he knows that all Jensen needs is a few hours to just breathe. Jensen may or may not have noticed these things happening around him, but Jared held a PHD in helping Jensen even when Jensen didn’t ask for it.
So Jared missing the signs irritated him more than anything.
But he’d missed them - so distracted with being back in Rome for Jibcon that he didn’t realize how much Jensen was giving of himself and why; so of course he couldn’t have predicted being here, right now, in their hotel room, with a boyfriend who was barely holding it together.
“Jensen?” Jared asked tentatively because he wasn’t sure how we got here - all he’d asked was if he wanted to go to dinner with Misha and Rob.
“Um…” Jensen said, breath coming in too quickly.
“Hey, hey, what’s going on?” Jared said gently putting his hands on Jensen’s shoulders and running them up to cup him around the neck.
“I, I can’t...I…”
“Jen, Jen, I need you to breathe with me okay - whatever it is, it’s fine but you need to focus on breathing okay? I’m right here.” Jared, said while Jensen grabbed on to his t-shirt as he continued to struggle to find his breath but he also hated that this was happening - he was supposed to be the strong one especially right now. Especially in Rome. But his body apparently had a different plan because right now he couldn’t remember how to breathe.
“Jar…”
“Nope, we’re just breathing right now - that’s all we’re doing. Nonono, no talking just breathing. Look at me Jen, look at me. I’m right here. Right here.” As Jared felt Jensen’s legs giving way he gently lowered both of them to the ground so that Jensen was resting against his chest and was bracketed between Jared’s legs. “Just breathe Jen, I got you.”
“Sor, I’m sorry.” Jensen panted out.
“It’s okay Jen, it’s okay.”
“No, I…”
“Shhh, whatever it is, it’s okay just breathe.”
Jared felt like it took forever to get Jensen to calm down and breathing at a level that wasn’t causing him to consider calling 911. But roughly 2 min before he reached for his cell phone it seemed like Jensen was coming back to himself - his breathing was calming down and while he was still shaking, his sobbing was reduced to mere sniffles. Jared released the breath he didn’t know he was holding because jesus, he was still figuring out how they got here.
“You with me Jen?” He said quietly.
Jensen merely nodded and moved to get up.
“Hey, wait, hang on.”
“No, um, no we have to, Misha.” Jensen mumbled trying to pull away from Jared.
“Jensen, you just had a panic attack, give yourself a second and no, we don’t have to meet Misha - it’s just dinner. Lets order in okay? Lets order in and talk.”
“No, you need to have fun.”
“What are...Jensen - what do you mean?”
“I don’t...you…” he paused taking a breath and trying to get himself under control which made Jared more concerned; he hated that Jensen felt like he could never be the one asking for help.
“Tell me Jen, what’s going on huh?” He said softly, pulling Jensen against himself in hopes of him feeling safe enough to be honest. A constant struggle in their relationship.
As usual, Jensen didn’t respond instantly but as much as Jared as an impatient person in most aspects of his life, he could wait all day for Jensen to open up.
“I just…” Jensen started, “I want you to have a good time.” He whispered.
“Okay, can you give me a little more?”
“I, you, the last time we…” Oh, duh. Jared literally almost smacked himself in the face, of course, of course Jensen would see this convention as a possible trigger for Jared . Of course he would be sitting in this fear. Jared’s therapist had asked him about Jensen’s own personal trauma in relation to Jared and what happened around this time 2 years ago. She’d hinted at him needing to encourage Jensen to talk about it but Jensen, in his typical fashion, had derailed and refocused the attention to others, more pointedly to Jared.
“I just wanted you to not think about...that.” Jensen continued.
“Babe, that isn’t on you.”
“But it is - you shouldn’t have to worry about anything and I just ruined that.”
“By having a panic attack? You think you ruined my time? Babe, this is not ruining anything - it’s making me realize that you went through more than you’ve been willing to admit two years ago and that is my fault for not seeing. It is my fault for assuming that you were fine.”
“I should be, this isn’t about me.”
“Jensen, look at me,” Jared said waiting for him to look him in the eye, “I was not the only one who had something traumatic happen two years ago. No one is ever immune to getting a phone call from the person they love saying they wanted to kill themselves. YOU are not immune to that. This is on me for not realizing how you were handling this weekend. I thought you were just...having a lot of fun but I’m seeing now that maybe you’ve been masking this. I’m so sorry.”
“No, I am okay. It’s fine.”
“You are not fine.” Jared whispered holding Jensen’s face between his hands and forcing him to really hear him. “You don’t have to be fine.” He gently brushed away tears as they continued to fall from Jensen’s eyes.
“But…”
“No buts. I’m putting my foot down in this moment. I am okay. I’m not perfect, but I am okay. I need for you to be okay. I need for you to give yourself the space to not be okay. All weekend you’ve been giving and giving and it’s my fault for not forcing you to take some time. I’m so sorry about that. I know how much you have to work in order to be outgoing and I should have seen how much extra you’ve been outputting. I’m sorry.”
“I’m really tired.”
“Okay, that’s okay, you absolutely can be tired. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t want...I just…”
“You didn’t want to ask me for help?”
“Yea.” Jensen whispered laying his head on Jared’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I haven’t had a panic attack like that in a while.”
“Please stop apologizing. Please.”
“I don’t think I have it in me to do dinner. I just. I need some time to recharge.”
“That’s okay, it’s just Misha. We can just relax. I’ll order in room service. We’ll watch a movie and call it a night. There is no one, no one, expecting anything of you Jen. I need for you to know that we’re all here for you and it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay for you to need me too. I want you to need me.” Jared said gently kissing Jensen on his forehead and sighing deeply.
“Alright, here’s the plan, I’m gonna run you a bath, call the guys and tell them to leave us alone, order room service, and then we’ll spend the night watching a movie and go to bed early. Deal?”
“I can do…”
“Nope. You have no agenda items other than enjoying all the things I just mentioned.”
Jensen looked into Jared’s eyes and Jared could see the internal struggle Jensen was having at admitting he needed help and that he needed to let go. Jared let him have that moment but he wasn’t budging.
“Yea, yea, okay.” Jensen finally whispered, slowly getting up and pulling out his phone.
“Hey, give that to me.” Jensen handed it over slightly confused and smiled softly as Jared turned it off and put it on the charger.
“Just me and you tonight.”
“Yea, okay. Thank you.” Jensen whispered.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”