Chapter Text
This is a recorded iMovie of the play performed by the Guardiand and Company in Avengers Tower. The footage has been transcribed for your entertainment. The script was written by Peter Quill.
(lights up on a dark stage. Peter Quill steps into the spotlight, dressed in a red cape that’s barely hiding a ~~clearly stolen~~ iron suit. He clears his throat.)
PQ: Space. The final frontier.
PQ: I know about space because I am a star wizard with a green stone who likes to fly and has the voice of a dragon.
(dramatic look at the camera)
PQ: In case you haven’t guessed, I am Doctor Stephen Strange, the best version of Benedict Cumberbatch since Sherlock.
(far off look)
PQ:John...
(coughs)
PQ: WHATEVER
PQ: The point is: Space is a cool place, and I’m about to show you how my husband, my son, and a trained assassin all got into the biggest pickle any of us had ever seen.
(Rocket Raccoon walks onstage in a black suit with hair peeking through and his ears bent under a matted red wig. He speaks in a squeaky, overly high pitched version of his own scratchy voice.) RR: I’m Natasha Romanoff, trained assassin and former employee of SHIELD. And no, SHIELD isn’t Captain America’s shield.
(awful attempt at a giggle)
(The camera turns back to Peter, who is kicking the cloak under the curtain with his hands on his hips in a superhero position. He puts on some sunglasses undoubtedly taken from Avengers Tower.)
PQ: Thanks, Romanoff. I’m Tony Stark, billionaire playboy philanthropist, as every tumblr gifset repeatedly says in black and white lighting, and I am the Iron Man. I’m also the husband of Doctor Stephen Strange, who you saw earlier,
(he winks at the camera and tries to do a swaggering walk but ends up tripping over his feet)
PQ: ...being a generally awesome dude.
(the camera turns to Loki, who is dressed in Peter Quill’s attire and has his black hair peeking out from under a blonde wig. He’s blasting “Cherry Bomb” from a Walkman. He speaks in an awful American accent.)
L: I am Peter Quill, leader of the Guardians of the Galaxy, saviour of millions, celebrity crush, dominant Chris, and sexiest man alive.
(he does not look like he’s enjoying this.)
L: And I just so happen to be the one who saved these poor souls who were stuck in space.
(camera pans to Peter Quill, hastily shoving the Iron Man helmet backstage and now in a neon Spider Man suit. He hunches his shoulders and faces the camera in a scathing impression of an awkward teen.)
PQ: A-and I’m Peter Parker, the weak Peter when compared to Starlord, hero of millions. I also have no taste in classic 80s movies and I only care about stupid stuff like Star Wars and Lego’s. I’m Doctor Stephen Strange and Tony Stark’s son.