Work Text:
Darling, come on and let me in
Darling, all of the strangers are gone, they're gone
I said, darling, come on and let me see
Darling, I promise that I won't run
So tell me
Who are you in the dark?
Show me the scary parts
Who are you when it's 3 AM
And you're all alone?
Who are you in the dark?
-CAMILA CABELLO, IN THE DARK
-•-•-•-
Connor is trapped in a doorless, dark room; Annalise’s voice echoing, the law student’s eyes dart rapidly around the room. The pungent scent of blood takes him back to that night; Connor closes his eyes to block out everything and, when opened, he’s lying on the floor staring into Sam’s lifeless eyes. A noose around his neck tightens, suffocating him, slowly taking the life out of him. Yet, he’s not scared; in fact, he’s okay with it. A booming voice calls out to him. “This is your fault, Connor, you should have stopped it. Everything is always your fault and now you’ve got blood on your hands,” then it clicked to him, his dad. Connor’s dad is the one screaming all these awful things at him, not that this hasn’t happened before, “you’re such a disappointment. I have 45 years of regrets and you are the worst of all my mistakes.” The law student felt burning tears in his eyes and, somehow, the entire world slows down. That’s the thing that hurts the most. Silence, that deadly sound, fills the room. It leaves a lonely feeling in the air, like this entire fight simply just isn’t worth it. His dad fades into the darkness, leaving him alone - again. And just when it seems like Connor will fade into the darkness too, a choir of screams emerge from the silence. Connor covers his ears, whispering to himself. “Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.-“
His eyes jolt open, a single tear escapes down his cheek. The younger man looks over at Oliver sleeping peacefully, as he swallows a massive lump in his throat. Oliver’s still here; Connor isn’t alone anymore. He can breathe knowing his boyfriend is right next to him. A small voice in his head is telling him to wake up Oliver, so he can comfort him, but the demons in his head are much louder. The younger man lies in silence, feeling his eyes build up a glassy wall. Biting down his lip, he stops any whimpers from escaping. It was difficult. To be loved so much by someone and not be able to love yourself in return, it’s heartbreaking. Maybe, maybe one day he’ll finally accept himself as the giant mess he is. Until then, he’s left with the same old self-loathing self he’s been since for as long as he can remember.
When Connor was a kid, he’d have the occasional nightmare. Connor, being his stubborn self, never thought anything worse could happen. Boy, he was wrong. Now, the nightmares have gotten much more painful because they’re all too real; a nightmare he can’t wake up from, just a constant loop. Day after day. It’s exhausting; he’s so tired, but it can be hard to sleep knowing your life is going nowhere and nothing will get better. But then a thought crosses his mind. Why suffer in silence, when Oliver can ease the pain?
Gently rolling over from his back to his right side, so he can face Oliver, Connor snuggles in closer to him, inhaling his calming scent, tracing his fingers across the older man’s hip in a circular motion. Oliver stirs at the sensation; his eyes open and study Connor’s face. “You okay? Something about you seems sad,” he whispers out, ignoring the worry bubbling up.
“I had a nightmare,” Connor mumbles softly. Oliver immediately sympathises and grabs ahold of the younger man’s hand. They both lie in silence, listening to each other breathe. And somehow, everything that needed to be said was said. Just by the way the older man lovingly stares through the darkness and into his boyfriend’s misty eyes. It’s the kind of love that everyone wants, but only some are lucky enough to have. Too bad Connor’s waiting for his luck to wear out and for him to go back to that lonely existence, “can you hold me? At least for a little while,” his sorrowful voice fills Oliver’s heart with hurt and, without even thinking, his body wraps itself around the fragile man.
“What happened - in your nightmare? It might help to talk about it,” the hacker sweetly suggests, even though Connor’s anxiety sees that as a bad plan. To be fair, if Connor describes the dream, he’s talking about the horrendous crimes he’s committed. He’d rather not have a full on fight, right now. Too exhausting.
“Honestly, it was nothing. Just my thoughts torturing me, but that’s not something new. In fact, it’s a regular thing for me,” The law student looks over to Oliver’s caring eyes and feels his walls being ripped apart; he wanted to vent to him, so Oliver would tell Connor that everything would be okay, “my dad made an appearance in my dream. He was a complete asshole and saying some awful things, but it’s okay. I’m awake now and I haven’t spoken to him in months, so it doesn’t have to be a big deal,” The older man’s eyebrow raises in curiosity, discovering another part of his boyfriend’s messed up puzzle. Clearly, many bad things happened to Connor but Oliver simply couldn’t figure what would make someone so… damaged. He must have been through absolute hell and suffered alone for so many years. Poor Connor.
“How come your relationship with your dad is strained? You’ve never mentioned him before, especially the complicity of the dynamic between you two. Is it because you’re-“
“No, it’s not that. Honestly, it’s actually the other way around,” Connor looks down at his fingertips in embarrassment, knowing where this conversation is going, “when I twelve, my dad came out and destroyed my family in the process. He broke my mom, to a point where she just cried all the time. That whole thing ruined my life, I stopped trusting people, and then made some incredibly dumb decisions. Who knew those choices would leave me so broken, right?”
“Sorry you went through all that, how long have you been holding all this in?” He curiously asks, hoping that Connor will keep his walls down for a little bit longer.
“A long time, but I’m fine because I have you,” Oliver’s heart flutters at those beautiful words from his boyfriend, which is what made saying three words so much simpler.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”