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Keith left the buzzing of the main castle dining room behind him, the titter of jovial voices celebrating their new alliance a soundtrack to his impending panic attack.
He couldn’t do this.
He couldn’t do this anymore.
Keith missed Shiro. He missed being able to follow behind his lead, to know that what they were doing was correct. He missed not questioning every step he ever made.
The Black Lion may have chosen him but he didn’t feel like the leader.
It was all too much. The responsibility pressed down on him more and more every day.
It was like drowning.
Part of him wanted to run, to flee the crushing pressure. It was the avenue he’d frequently taken in the past. He’d run from the foster families when they started to push, to try and wiggle past the walls that he’d thrown up in the past. Relationships had always been difficult for him. He recognized that about himself.
Didn’t mean he had any idea how to fix it, how to bypass this thick, syrupy feeling of drowning every time he got into situations like this.
The hallways of the castle disappeared under his feet, pace eating up the smooth floor as he walked aimlessly, the click of his boots echoing off the white walls.
He found himself at the observation deck, hands gripping at his elbows like he could keep the swirling miasma of emotion within his chest.
Keith just couldn’t do this anymore.
He walked over to the great wall of windows, trying fruitlessly to take comfort in the stars like he had in the past. Space had been his greatest solace growing up, something he could gaze upon and dream of flying amongst. He’d always thought that he’d find his answers out there. Maybe find something out about himself.
He hadn’t been entirely wrong.
The revelation just hadn’t been the kind that he’d expected. Of course, no one really expects to find out that they’re half of an ancient alien species that had been responsible for the 10,000 year enslavement of the universe.
A part of him had always hoped to find out more about his mother in the infinite abyss of space. In a way he had but every answer only bred more questions.
They swirled around his brain, the helplessness of being thrust into the leadership role only merging with his own fear of abandonment.
The floor was cold beneath him and he curled his arms around his knees, resting his chin on his legs as best he could with the panels of his armor caught between his chest and his legs.
He was so tired. So tired of running and fighting and only finding himself in the same situation as before. Voltron as a whole kept taking two steps forward and ending up three steps back. It was a dance that did nothing but make Keith frustrated.
Lotor was out there. Zarkon was still out there. Even Haggar was still hanging around.
Voltron just wasn’t enough.
Keith wasn’t enough.
And he couldn’t stand it.
His anger, anxiety and inadequacy surged over him once more like the waves of Earth, threatening to drag him under, to drown him until he was nothing but an empty husk.
It wasn’t something that he wanted but…there had been no time to process, no time to adjust to the loss of their leader and quintessential father figure. It was like Kerberos all over again but even the slightest bit of evidence was gone.
Keith just wanted the people he cared about to stop leaving him.
The soft patter of footsteps pulled him from the depths of his mind and he turned to see Lance standing in the doorway, a soft look appearing almost alien on his expressive face.
“Hey, Keith…” He said, a foreign note to his voice making Keith want to sit up and take notice.
The change between the two of them had been subtle but quicker than anything that Keith had expected. Lance had been his support through all of this and Keith still didn’t know what to think. It pulled at his heartstrings and filled his chest with a feeling that Keith could only mentally connect to warm sunlight and waking up in a soft bed.
In any other situation, Keith would have taken off after that sensation like a shot, chased it like a starving man to a feast. But he couldn’t do that. Couldn’t put even more on Lance like that.
Voltron needed them and these feelings…He didn’t think he could act upon them.
No matter how much he wanted to. No matter how much they promised to give him a way out of the drowning, if only for a brief respite.
“We were worried about you.” Lance murmured, his footsteps padding closer, “You seemed like you were in a hurry to get away.”
“I’m alright.” Keith ground out, fingers clenching around the panels of his armor.
He didn’t want them to worry about him. There was enough going on without that. They worried enough about his leadership.
Lance settled beside him and Keith did his best to not soak in Lance’s presence. Lance had started spending a lot more time with him after he started piloting the Red Lion. He was the level-head to Keith’s impulsivity and honestly, he was the best at pulling Keith out of the hole of his mind.
It definitely didn’t help the feelings that Keith hoarded in his chest.
“We both know that’s bullshit, Keith.” Lance sighed, facing forward to watch the cosmos beyond the great windows, “You haven’t been doing okay for a while now. I’m not blind. You can talk to me.”
There was that too. Lance didn’t dance around his feelings. He called Keith out on his shit but he gave him an avenue to continue down. Keith loved him for it.
Wait. Love?
Keith frowned into his kneecaps, looking at Lance’s profile in his peripheral and sighing internally.
Yeah. Love.
He loved this giant blue goofball.
But like hell he was going to say anything. The people he loved had a tendency to disappear.
“Just a lot on my mind.”
“Well, come on, mullet man. Lay it on me.” Lance smiled, turning his face at last, “My ears are good at listening.”
“Well, that would be a first.” Keith smirked, suppressing a laugh at Lance’s dramatic frown.
“Ouch, man. All these aliens insulting my ears. First Allura, now you.” Lance sighed theatrically, “Whatever will I do?”
Keith shrugged, hiding his smile in the curve of his arms. Sometimes Lance’s dramatics were hilarious, other times they were the bane of Keith’s existence.
Right now, he was just enjoying the vibrancy that was the Blue (Red? Purple?) Paladin. Internally, Keith snorted at the idea of calling Lance the Purple Paladin. He’d jump all over it.
Lance gave him a wide smile and leaned back on his hands, eyes slipping closed. “Allura said she was really impressed with you today. You really convinced those leaders that our alliance was the best idea.”
“I snapped and told them they were idiots.”
“Apparently they respect plain speech. Allura thought you were a genius. I wasn’t gonna tell her otherwise.”
A laugh slipped out before Keith could stop it and Lance’s smile grew a little wider, one eye peeking open to peer at Keith. “There you are.”
“Did you come all the way in here just to make me laugh?”
“Yeah.” Lance replied, the tip of his ears coloring slightly, the apparent blush making Keith sit up and pay attention despite himself.
It had been happening a lot more lately.
“I know you have a lot on your shoulders right now, Keith.” Lance continued, the blush spreading prettily across Lance’s cheekbones, “And I know you’ve been having a hard time. We weren’t the greatest when you first took over flying Black, but we’ve got your back. I’ve got your back. No matter what happens.”
Keith looked up from the cradle of his arms, eyebrows flying high. Did Lance just guess about the stuff that was bothering him? Just blindly shoot and find the problems that Keith was having?
“I think you tracked me down just to tell me that.” Keith hummed, “What made you feel the need to do something like that? I thought you wouldn’t follow me anywhere.”
Lance frowned and turned a bit so he could look at Keith fully. “I know what I said, Keith, and honestly, I was a bit of an asshole.” He admitted, “I shouldn’t have said that. But I also said that I would respect the Black Lion’s choice of you as our leader. And I do…But I care about you too.”
“What?”
“Are you really going to make me repeat it?” Lance flushed deeper, still holding Keith’s gaze despite it all.
“You care about me?”
“Yes. Kind of a lot.”
“Only kind of?”
Lance huffed deeply and scooted closer, his proximity making Keith’s breath still in his chest.
This…was not how he had expected this evening to go. He’d expected to brood over his negative emotions until he couldn’t sit still any longer and then go fight the gladiator until he could finally process life again. He’d never imagined that he’d be scant inches from the boy he loved and possibly be figuring out that the feeling he’d hidden were reciprocated.
The coarse fabric of the Paladin gloves on his face pulled him from his reverie and he looked back to Lance’s cerulean eyes, the light of the stars painting his face in beautiful contrast. “Stay here with me, fly boy.” Lance whispered, “Is this okay?”
Keith barely dared to breathe, only dipping his head in a bird like nod. He wanted this despite everything, despite knowing that it probably wasn’t the best for Voltron.
It would be messy. Messy and complicated.
But right now…he wanted whatever Lance was willing to give him. He wanted to laugh with Lance, to fight beside him and come back to him at the end of the day.
Keith wanted to be selfish.
“You’re allowed to be happy, Keith.” Lance mumbled, eyes searching Keith’s face, “And loving something doesn’t make it a weakness.”
“Sharpshooter indeed.” Keith laughed before he leaned in, not giving Lance anytime to question him.
Lance’s lips were warm beneath his own, warm and softer than Keith had imagined. He had frozen in shock for only a moment and Keith made to move back, unease curling in the pit of his stomach.
Had he misread the situation?
He only had that moment before Lance reciprocated with vigor, the hand on his cheek sliding into Keith’s hair. Keith let Lance take the lead after he began to move, content to let someone else be in charge for a moment before he pulled back, Lance’s eyes heavy lidded even as he grinned bright enough to blind.
“I guess that answers that question.” Lance hummed, “We do make a good team.”
“You do remember!” Keith hissed, pulling back to look at Lance accusingly.
Lance scampered to his feet, finger gunning as he backed out of the room, almost daring Keith to chase after him.
Keith could do nothing else but follow, the waters of his troubles falling away, if only for a little bit.
Lance had that effect on him.