Archive of Our Own

“I’ve no idea what you see in these damned ponies, Sir,” James grumbled as Sirius drove to the clinic. “At least they’re not so bad when they’re this size.”

“Thanks for coming with me James. Six pups is rather a lot to handle on my own. Still don’t understand why you’re so put off by them, though. Gentle giants, my dogs.”

James eyed him narrowly. “They can take down a fucking deer. I don’t understand why you’re not put off by them.”

Sirius shrugged. It was a conversation they’d had many times since he’d gone into the business of breeding and showing dogs. James had a cat and a wife and thought Sirius was mad. All the same, he always lent a hand if ever Sirius asked, like helping to wrangle litters of puppies for their vaccinations.  At eight weeks old, the group were already big critters.

“Hello, Sirius.” The staff greeted him warmly when they arrived at Sirius’ local veterinary surgery. “Dr Hagrid’s not well today I’m afraid, but we’ve rescheduled you with our new lad if that’s alright?”

It really wasn’t.

Sirius had a long working relationship with Rubeus Hagrid. A big, jovial man, he was certainly not perturbed by the size of Sirius’ dogs – or of any animal at all it would seem, if the photograph of himself as a young man tending a male lion was anything to go by. The others were just as qualified, but Sirius trusted Hagrid. Still, his only options were to go with someone different or delay homing the pups – and the latter might harm his professional reputation. Sirius swallowed his frustration.

“Of course,” he smiled charmingly and James helped drag the entourage into the consultation room. The edgy, excited puppies were just starting to settle when the vet came in.

 “Sorry to keep you waiting,” he said pleasantly. Then, with warm surprise. “Oh! Hello, Prongs.”

Sirius blinked rapidly, realising with embarrassing slowness that this unknown man was acquainted with his best friend.

“Hey, Moony! Thought you weren’t working today?”

“Filling in,” the vet apparently called Moony replied with a smile. Calmly, he turned to Sirius. “Mr Black, I take it?”

“Uh. Yes,” Sirius replied, bemused.

“Dr Remus Lupin.” He reached out and slipped a thin hand smoothly around Sirius’.

Sirius eyed Remus carefully. He was young, probably the same age as James and himself. He didn’t look like a man capable of controlling large, unruly dogs – thin to the point of being unhealthy, skin pale and unblemished beneath his floppy curls.

Sirius found him desperately attractive.

Remus handled each pup in turn, smoothly checking them over. He exuded a simple confidence and quiet ability which Sirius was silently struck by. He watched closely, admiring the way Remus’ wiry muscles flexed beneath his shirt, the way his hair rumpled across his forehead and tumbled into his sharp eyes. When Remus bent to lift the next puppy onto his exam table Sirius noted the perfect shape of his arse through the charcoal fabric covering it.

Don’t look at straight boys, Sirius scolded himself. Besides, this is business.

Realising quickly that Remus was nothing short of brilliant, Sirius coughed to cover his embarrassment. “So, uh. How do you two know each other?”

James’ eyes flicked up briefly. He was trying to untangle his legs from a knot of leads. “Hm? Oh, Remus was at school with Lily.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Haven’t you two ever met before?” James asked with obvious surprise. “Not even at the wedding?”

“Must have missed each other,” Remus said distantly as he prepared an inoculation. “You may recall I wasn’t well that night.”

“Mm,” James nodded and that seemed to be the end of it. Sirius felt strangely out of his depth, as though a secret life were being conducted behind his back. Distracted by the dogs, James didn’t seem to notice and Remus was utterly absorbed by his work. He ignored Sirius and James as his lithe hands smoothed across a puppy’s black coat, checking her joints and limbs. The animal squirmed between his palms, tickling tongue lapping quickly.

Remus laughed as he finished the check and reached for a syringe. “Handsome little feller, aren’t you?” he murmured as Sirius reached to steady her.

He grinned, pleased “She’s my run-on.”

The appointment ran on easy routine interspersed with chatter that Sirius missed, distracted by the elegant sureness of Remus’ graceful hands. Thin and bony like the rest of the man, they moved with a gentle precision that calmed even the most mischievous pup through some undefined connection.

Interest stirred despite Sirius’ resolution not to be attracted. As Remus chattered with James he revealed a quiet, sarcastic humour that appealed to him. His intelligence and steadiness also caught Sirius’ on a romantic level ... but he kept being drawn back to those fingers, wondering if Remus touched his lovers with the same calm surety. His fingertips would doubtless slide across bare skin with a ticklish, teasing lightness, building passionate frustration in his partner until with perfect certainty he dipped them below the waist...

James’ elbow dug sharply into his side and snapped Sirius out of his daydream. Mortified, he ducked his face away from James’ knowing grin, heat flooding his chest. He tried not to look at the alluring vet for the rest of the appointment.

“Okay,” Remus finally said, watching with obvious amusement as James wrestled with the dogs. “We’re all done. I’ll update the files and get the certificates sent through to reception.”

“Hey, Moony,” James said, cutting off Remus’ polite farewell. “Why don’t you come over for supper Friday night? It’s been a while.”

Sirius glanced at him. A calculating frown crumpled Remus’ brow for an endearing moment before clearing again. “Yeah, okay. I’ve got afternoon surgery – seven o’clock okay?”

“Brilliant,” James grinned. He leant around the table and squeezed Remus in a brief embrace before leading Sirius out of the exam room, a horde of stressed and excited dogs spilling after them.

l-l

“Why would you want me to come to supper tonight?” Sirius barked into the phone. “You need to round out numbers or something?”

“No, Sirius,” Lily replied patiently. “Jimmy told me that you and Remus had never met before the other day. Considering how important you both are to us, it seems a shame not to have you get to know each other. James said you were rather taken with him.”

Sirius grit his teeth, switching his mobile to his other ear. “What exactly did James-dear say?”

He could hear Lily roll her eyes. “Don’t start your dramatic, Sir. He said you were impressed and that you got on well. Though Remus is currently single.”

“Him being straight makes that moot to me, Lily,” Sirius said. He was walking his fence lines to check for breaks. The air was warm; his dark hair clung damply to his neck and he was already sweating beneath the plastic case of his phone.

Lily laughed in his ear. “You lot are so oblivious. You ought to wear signs. Look, I’m not taking no for an answer. Be here at seven, or I’m sending Jimmy to abduct you.”

l-l

Sirius went to supper at the Potter’s because it was easier than dealing with the lecture he’d get for refusing. And despite the obvious set-up, he was getting a free meal and the company of the two people he loved best. So at seven o’clock, Lily’s belly greeted him at the door. She hugged him awkwardly before taking the bottle of wine from under his arm and leading Sirius into the kitchen.

Remus was twenty minutes late. A small part of Sirius, keen to avoid the embarrassing awkwardness, hoped he had cancelled.

“He’s on his way,” Lily assured him. Sirius scowled at the glance she gave him. “Surgery ran over, but he’ll be here soon. Now, make yourself useful – what d’you reckon about this sauce?”

James entered as Sirius was dipping a spoon into a saucepan. He was rumpling a towel through his wild, wet hair and beamed when he saw Sirius. “Ah, Padfoot, you’re here. Oh, and you brought wine. Have I told you recently that you’re my best friend?”

“Only because no one else would have you,” Sirius grinned.

The three of them moved together with practised ease and James was laying the table by the time the doorbell rang. Lily pressed her hands into the curve of her lower back and sighed. Sirius popped his hand on her arm. “Sit down, dear. I’ll let him in.”

Lily cast him a grateful smile as Sirius turned off the stove and headed for the door.

“Sorry, I’m sorry. Oh!” Remus had looked flustered when Sirius pulled the door open. When he realised who it was he looked positively rattled. “Uh, hello. Mr Black, wasn’t it?”

“Sirius. Good to see you again,” Sirius said automatically, stepping aside and waving Remus in.

The hallway was narrow. Remus shrugged out of his coat, his scent wafting over Sirius who tried not to be too obvious as he breathed with deep appreciation. Remus turned, gracing him with a thin, polite smile and Sirius fought down the pink flush that was threatening to creep up his throat.

Remus made small talk. Sirius had to applaud how easy he made it look. “How are the pups going? No adverse reactions?”

Snap out of it, Black. Sirius swallowed, trying to block out the immediate wave of attraction that washed over him. They were very close and Sirius’ desire was intense. There was something so effortlessly sexy about Remus, so elegant and instinctual. His jeans were too big, his top an artistic double-v tunic that draped his lean frame and showed a flash of black ink across one shoulder blade. Sirius wanted to reach out and touch those lines, trace the sharp angles of his body.

Remus paused, turning to meet his eyes for a moment with his bright amber gaze. Sirius remembered he’d been asked a question. “Oh, they’re all fine. Thanks.”

Remus’ expression curved quizzically. Then his face softened with the whisper of a smile and he turned to disappear through the kitchen archway.

Sirius mentally shook himself. It was rare that he felt such immediate attraction, both physically and emotionally. He had it bad this time. It’s probably just because I haven’t been laid in so long.

Whatever the cause, it didn’t go away. Sirius found himself distracted by Remus during supper, entranced by the small, simple things – the thoughtful lines of his brow, subtle shift of his mouth, his good manners. He talked little, but what he did say was poignant and amusing.

“Wine?” James said, filling Sirius’ glass without waiting for an answer. He turned to Remus who shook his head.

“You don’t drink?” Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged idly, stabbing his fork down a little more forcefully than necessary. “Not often.” His tone was suddenly clipped and clearly indicated he wasn’t prepared to say more.

When supper was finished, James pulled Sirius aside. “Bloody hell, you’re not half obvious, mate. It’s embarrassing,” he grinned as he began to load the dishwasher.

“Dunno what you mean, dear,” Sirius said flippantly.

James laughed in his face, teeth flashing with obvious enthusiasm. “Padfoot, if you were anymore into Remus I honestly think it would spontaneously tattoo across your forehead.”

“Fuck,” Sirius mumbled, heat pulsing up his chest and into his face. “D’you think he noticed?”

James shrugged. “Remus plays his cards close to his chest; it’s hard to tell. But most blind people would have been able to see it, so...”

Sirius groaned, sinking into a chair. “I don’t think I can be mates with him, Prongs. I think it would hurt down the road.”

 “Unless he’s interested too,” James suggested. He saw Sirius’ incredulous look and gave a frustrated growl. “He might be! He does date guys. Bloody hell, why can’t your lot all just be camp and have done with it?”

Sirius glared. “It might make it easier to know. But generally speaking, I don’t go for camp. So ... so Remus isn’t straight after all?”

James shook his head, clicking the dishwasher shut and straightening up. He adjusted his glasses. “Not that it’s my place to say, but since you’re being an absolute dunderhead as usual ... he’s both.”

Sirius squinted, sudden hope flaring in his chest. “Bisexual?”

James shrugged. “Whatever you want to call it. Just stop being weird, would you?”

Sirius arched an eyebrow. “Can’t make any promises. Weird is my default setting after all.”

James laughed, and looped an arm about him as they headed through to the sitting room where Lily and Remus were chatting. One glance confirmed they were discussing the exact same thing as him and James.

Remus’ jaw was sharp with tension. He glanced across as Sirius, eyes calmly guarded. Lily was scowling with all the green-eyed ferocity she usually reserved for Sirius. For a moment, he pitied the child growing inside her.

 “Help me up, James,” Lily said abruptly, reaching for him. She gave Remus a pointed look. Sirius sank curiously into an adjacent armchair. “Back in a minute, guys. Coffee and dessert, hm?” she dragged James forcefully from the room.

A deafening silence settled in their wake. Sirius dared a glance at Remus who was leaning back against the couch cushions, steepled fingers pressed to his mouth.

“Sirius,” he said suddenly. Sirius started, jerking violently. Embarrassed, he sucked a deep, cold breath. Remus didn’t appear to notice. “D’you know why you were invited tonight?”

Sirius swam through the soup that had replaced his brain to find an answer. He wasn’t used to such direct questions. Sputtering, he finally said, “Well, I know James wants us to be better acquainted ... Lily too.”

“So it wasn’t because they were hoping we, ah ... might take a romantic interest in each other?” Remus’ tone was unreadable, his eyes dark and distant and unfocussed.

“Well...” Sirius licked suddenly dry lips. “They appear to be hoping for ... for something like that, yeah.”

Remus smiled, but there was no cheer in it. For a tiny moment his mask slipped and Sirius saw a profound sadness, a gleam of disappointment. Eventually Remus’ hands dropped to his lap and he swivelled, meeting Sirius’ eyes. “I am pleased to meet you Sirius. And I’m more than willing to get to know you, to perhaps become friends. But ... I’m not interested in more than that. I want you to know that straight away, in case they start ... pushing.”

Sirius blinked, wishing the floor would collapse beneath him. “Well ... okay.”

Remus took pity on him, smiling gently. “It’s nothing to do with you. I simply don’t date. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to explain why. I wouldn’t have said anything, except that Prongs and Lily like to attempt – regularly – to convince me otherwise.”

“... Okay.” Sirius couldn’t think of anything else to say, and glanced around the room uncomfortably.

Remus laughed, raising a hand to shade his face as though pretending Sirius didn’t amuse him. “Alright, that’s the awkward part out of the way,” Remus smiled kindly, his chuckles bubbling away. “So, tell me how you got into breeding Staghounds.”

While surprised by the abrupt subject change Sirius nonetheless became animated as he began to talk about his dogs. “And it’s a bonus that James is freaked out by them,” he said as the Potters re-entered the room.

James rolled his eyes. “Talking about your damned ponies again?”

“I asked,” Remus teased.

James snorted as he sank into the couch, shuffling to make room for Lily. “Like he needs an opening.”

Sirius frowned, poking his tongue out. “You only say that because you’re afraid of them.”

“Really?” Remus flicked his eyebrows up, needling their friend. “I didn’t think you were afraid of anything.”

“I’m not!” James agreed with a triumphant grin.

Sirius didn’t miss Lily’s disappointed sigh as the conversation fell into teasing boy-talk. It was obvious that she at least had been hoping he and Remus might be interested in each other. He glanced at the young vet as he laughed, taking in his pale, fine features and mild mannerisms. Something burbled deep in Sirius’ belly, raising warmly through his chest and back down in a heady swoop.

It promised nothing but trouble.

l-l

“Oh, Remus,” Lily groaned. “He’s always turning down dates. It’s very bad for him. What did you think of him otherwise?”

Sirius warmed his hands around his mug. “I dunno. He’s kind of ... a closed book, I guess. Bloody attractive though.”

“Mm, Jimmy thought you’d taken a fancy to him. Look, I’ve known Remus a long time. He’s a great guy, and yes, I was hoping he might take a shine to you outside of a work setting. But if nothing else it would be nice if you became friends. I can’t believe James and I have been together since we were eighteen and you two have never met before.”

“C’est la vie,” Sirius smiled and sipped his coffee. “You must not think we’re an obvious match.”

Lily shook her head, rubbing her hands idly over her round belly. “It’s really nothing at all to do with you, Sir. It’s Remus. He ... well, it’s not my place. But it’s a bit complicated. He’s ... stubborn.”

“If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s not working.”

Lily smiled. “You and Remus mean the world to me, Sirius. I just want you to be happy – we thought you might be together. But if it’s not going to happen, then it’s not going to happen.” She patted his hand wistfully. “You really would have made a good pair, though.”

l-l

Whether it was awkward stubbornness or a simple return to normalcy Sirius couldn’t be sure, but he didn’t see Remus again for several months. As it had always been before, their paths remained parallel. The only evidence that Remus was real was the stuffed wolf he gave Harry for his birth. Despite the distance, Sirius was unable to get Remus out of his head – the steadiness of his fingers, the mild demeanour hiding a sarcastic mischief ... the enticing curl of his lips and his simple, alluring sexiness.

Then one night Sirius was itching to get out of the house. Unannounced, he headed over to the Potters for the first time in a fortnight. James beamed a surprised welcome, leading him happily into the sitting room. And Sirius’ stomach lurched; Remus was curled on the couch with his arms wrapped around the tiny, sleeping Harry. He didn’t look up.

“Oh, Remus! Hi,” Sirius said, flustered. Remus was unkempt. His stylishly casual clothes had been replaced with a shabby, oversized cardigan and his unshaven face was lost behind a mane of shaggy hair. All the same, low warmth thrummed deep in Sirius’ belly; even as the poetic embodiment of sorrow he found Remus achingly attractive.

Remus’ bloodshot eyes flicked up at the greeting, but he seemed to look beyond Sirius rather than at him. “Hello, Sirius. Been awhile,” he murmured in a polite voice shadowed with resonating flatness. “Prongs, I should go. Leave you to it.”

“No you don’t,” James said forcefully. He brushed past Sirius. “I’ve made the spare room up for you and you’ll bloody well stay here until I say otherwise. C’mon, upstairs. Now, Moony.”

Utterly confused, Sirius watched as James hauled Remus from the couch. Passing the bundle of blankets containing Harry into Sirius’ willing arms, James steered Remus wilfully towards the stairs. “What-?”

“Nothing to worry about.” Lily walked in from the kitchen, but her smile was too bright, her voice too airy. “Remus is just a little under the weather. He doesn’t have any family close, so he stays with us when he’s not well.”

There was more to it than that, Sirius could tell ... something deeper that he didn’t understand. Squinting up the stairs at shadows, he carefully stored it away with everything else Remus-related.

l-l

Over the next few weeks, Sirius saw very little of James. Outside of work, he was almost always with Remus. In the past, there had been several times when James had been almost uncontactable – and now Sirius knew it was because he was nursing Remus.

 “Isn’t that hard for you with a baby to care for?” Sirius asked Lily over coffee one day.

She shrugged. “We’d do the same for you if you needed it.”

And that was the end of the matter.

Sirius tried to see the worst, hoping it might cure him of his preoccupied desire. He told himself that Remus was selfish to burden their friends, and that, based on their last encounter, the guy didn’t want anything to do with him, but he couldn’t bring himself to believe either. Heady curiosity still gripped him, and Remus was somehow even more alluring for his mysterious vulnerability.

Still, he was surprised when James took them both out for supper one night, leaving Harry with the Longbottoms for the night.

Remus was there when Sirius arrived at the restaurant, looking every bit the capable, confident young man Sirius had originally met. He looked fully recovered, tidy and hale.

“I hear you’ve been unwell,” Sirius said conversationally as the waiter circled the table, pouring their water.

“Perfectly fine,” Remus replied dismissively. “This nice though – we go years without ever meeting, and now three times in what? Six months? Tell me about that run-on of yours. She must be quite an impressive figure by now.”

Sirius was always happy to talk about his dogs, but he was no fool. Remus was clearly diverting him and neither Lily nor James seemed inclined to explain. It felt like something big and secret was happening right under his nose and Sirius did not like being kept in the dark. He was going to sniff the mystery out.

That would probably mean getting to know Remus better.

Are you sure this isn’t just a paranoid ploy to get in this guy’s trousers?

Sirius paused for an uncertain minute, but he wasn’t given to introspection. Once he made a decision he rarely waited long enough to start second-guessing himself. So he said, “Why don’t you come over some time and look the dogs over? I wouldn’t mind, if you’re interested. Hagrid does.”

Remus tapped his bottom lip, staring at Sirius so deeply he felt Remus was reading his soul. Finally, he said, “If you like.”

Later, James dragged Sirius aside. “What are you doing, inviting Remus over to your place?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “I’m trying to be friendly, like you wanted. Don’t you think I can do that?”

James grabbed his arm. “Don’t go being rough on him, he doesn’t need it right now. I can read you like a bloody book, Padfoot, and I know you think there’s some wonderful gossipy secret here, but there isn’t. Just leave it.”

l-l

“Stunning beasts,” Remus murmured. “I have a soft-spot for Wolfhounds myself, but these dogs are quite striking, Sirius. You’ve got impressive stock here.”

“Thanks.” Sirius grinned with pleasure. He appreciated a critical, non-judgmental eye.

“Harry could probably ride one of them soon,” Remus joked as Sirius led the way back to the house.

“If he’s anything like his father he won’t be going anywhere near them. D’you wanna drink or anything?”

Remus nodded and Sirius took him into the kitchen, putting a pot on to brew. They settled at the table, Remus coiling himself elegantly into a chair. Sirius licked his lips and swallowed the desire to think about how the movement would look without clothing. He busied himself with the tea service to cover the flush burning his chest.

Once he’d settled again Remus smiled and laced his long fingers on the table top. “So. What was the real reason you invited me here today?” he asked pleasantly.

Sirius started, his cup rattling. He put it down. “No reason,” he dissembled. “Just thought I’d, uh ... get some cheeky free input on my breeding plans.”

Remus smiled, a tiny crease between his brows belying his disbelief. “I see. So it’s not something James put you up to then.”

Sirius scoffed. “Not at all. In fact, he made sure to remind me that you weren’t interested in anything other than friendship.”

Remus’ smile turned suddenly wistful. “How kind of him,” he murmured in a soft voice laced with wry mischief. Sirius barked an unexpected laugh and the tension between them snapped.

Conversation began to flow and Sirius quickly forgot about his real ulterior motive. Instead, he was spellbound by the flick of Remus’ hands illustrating a point as he talked, the way his lips quirked when he pretended not to find Sirius funny.

Sirius groaned internally. He needed to stay away. The quiet charm, modest intelligence and soft gaze had Sirius overwhelmed. All he wanted was to throw himself across the table and snog the daylights out of him. It was almost a relief when, an hour or so later, Remus said, “I guess I’d better head off.”

Sirius hoisted himself up, elbows stiff from leaning on the table. His cheeks ached with laughing but he grinned as he walked Remus to the door.

Remus paused suddenly, looking pensive. “I’ve really had a very nice time. Listen, Sirius ... I may be off base here, but I ... look, I’m sorry things can’t be different between us. I quite like you if I’m being honest.”

Sirius blinked, hand on the door knob. He flicked his eyes up to Remus’ suddenly shy amber gaze. “That’s ... nice to know. But I don’t understand why you’re saying it.”

Remus sighed and brushed a hand up his face and into his hair. He worried his bottom lip with his teeth, looking as though a war were raging inside his mind. “I’ve just really enjoyed getting to know you a bit. And I’d really like to keep on, but I don’t want to complicate things. I certainly wouldn’t want to accidentally lead you on.”

Sirius’s heart beat almost painfully faster but he raised his eyebrows with forced nonchalance. “You’re assuming too much. Of course, if you’d prefer, we can go back to not knowing the other exists?”

Remus smiled softly. “I don’t think that will work. I’m not sure what the answer is. This isn’t a position I intended to be in.”

Sirius faltered. He’d never been in such an uncertain position either. “I really don’t know what to tell you,” he grumbled, annoyed by Remus’ inexplicable indecision. “We can hang out and be friends. Or we can avoid each other.”

Remus waivered a moment then slowly reached out and hooked his fingers under Sirius’ jaw, tipping his chin up until their eyes met. “What do you want?” he asked, fixing Sirius with his soul-devouring stare.

Oh, this is going to go so badly. This is so, so dangerous. “I ... I’d like to hang out. Get to know you better.”

Remus’ eyes flashed and softened. His tongue darted over his lips and molten heat pooled in Sirius’ loins, running from Remus’ fingertips and down through his body. They were too close. “Gimme a call,” Remus said, voice soft and wondering through his hesitation. And then he stepped sharply back, moved through the door and down Sirius’ drive to his car without looking back.

l-l

“I thought you were going to leave Remus alone,” James snapped.

“We’re just going out as friends. Like you wanted,” Sirius retorted. James was looking at him in a way Sirius distinctly didn’t like. “Look, it was you and Lily who were trying to get us together in the first place. What the hell’s the problem?”

James frowned. “It’s not for me to say. I just ... I want you to go easy on Remus. His health is ... precarious. He’s vulnerable at the moment.”

Anger flared bright in Sirius’ chest. “What the hell do you think I’m going to do to him?”

“It’s nothing to do with you!” James rubbed a frustrated hand through his wild hair. “It’s just bad timing.”

Sirius sighed his temper down. “I’m not planning anything bad, James. Not that these things can be planned.”

James paced, thoughtful. “You’re right, Pads, I know you’re right, and I trust you. Just please tread carefully?”

With his own feelings on the line, Sirius certainly had no intention of acting any other way.

l-l

Two weeks later Sirius took Remus out to his favourite bar. It was a popular place, posh and intimate. Whatever his mood and whomever his company, Sirius always found it perfect.

They wriggled into a corner booth and one of the staff came to offer drinks. Sirius remembered suddenly about Remus’ reluctance for alcohol, but the other man smoothly ordered whiskey and only twitched a placid eyebrow at Sirius’ inquiring glance.“I’ve never been here before. Nice place,” he said once they were alone again.

“I like it,” Sirius said, unable to keep a grin from his face at Remus’ approval.

Talk came easy and the atmosphere was warm. It wasn’t a date, but the interest between them was palpable, feeding a subtle awkwardness. A delicious physical tension grew out of the lingering glances and Sirius was acutely aware of how much he usually enjoyed this part of dating, the painful excitement of anticipation. But with Remus it was like one long cock tease guaranteed to have no release.  He told you it would never happen. Just because he’s friendly doesn’t mean he’s game.

Even that knowledge wasn’t enough to make Sirius want to stop seeing him.

Despite his growing frustration Sirius had a pleasant evening. As they left the bar late that night, Remus thanked him. “I don’t tend to go out much, but I’m glad you invited me. I had a great time.”

Sirius grinned half-heartedly, feeling the futility of his position keenly as Remus opened the door to his car. Normally he would move in for a kiss now. Trying to be friends when he wanted more was going to destroy him. “Anytime you wanna hang out again, let me know.”

Remus smiled softly, hand rising idly to tuck a lock of hair back from Sirius’ face. His heart leapt between his teeth. Remus said, “I will,” and slipped into his car.

The lure to see Remus was too strong. Sirius tried to stay away for the sake of his own emotions, but as the weeks faded into months he and Remus began to see increasingly more of each other, meeting regularly for coffee or supper amongst other activities. Sirius’ desire intensified every time they met, though Remus maintained a mild friendliness perforated with vague touches. Inevitably, Sirius wound up home alone, frustrated and pining. More than once his burning need drove him to self-satisfaction, always with Remus in his thoughts.

Remus himself was rare to let his calm veneer crack. Sirius could only guess at the layers hiding beneath. He was the most engaging and entertaining of companions, but Sirius had no hint of the man beyond that.

Until one night when Remus unexpectedly rang him.

“Hey!” Remus’ voice echoed down the line with obvious enthusiasm. “I’m in a kind of social mood. You free to hang out, maybe go dancing? I haven’t been for ages and it’d be fun if you joined me...”

“Yeah, okay,” Sirius hoped his eagerness wasn’t too audible. “What time?”

“Oh, whenever you like. I was thinking to head out in about an hour, have a few drinks ... d’you wanna meet at mine or at the club?”

A primal protective urge rose unbidden in Sirius when he thought about Remus in a crowded nightclub, drinking alone when he was so unused to it. He arranged to meet at Remus’ house.

An hour later, he was at the door and Remus was ushering him inside. “Just gotta get my shoes!” he called cheerily, leaving Sirius standing bemused in his spotless sitting room while he bounced off to the bedroom, humming. Sirius didn’t think he’d ever seen Remus quite so animated.

Remus remained lively in the taxi. He spoke in a laughing rush, eager to move on to new topics. The cab seemed filled with his radiant cheer. “Sorry,” Remus beamed when they reached the club, slipping some notes to the driver before leading Sirius towards the bouncer on the club door. “I’m talking your ear off. I don’t mean to, I’m just feeling upbeat, you know?”

“It’s okay,” Sirius smiled, “I don’t mind.”

Remus grinned back, a true brilliant smile that utterly transformed his usually sombre face.  The bouncer checked them and waved them inside. Remus reached for Sirius’ hand, squeezing it tight. “Come and dance with me?” he asked. The music was loud and good, inviting. Sirius nodded and Remus tugged him towards the dance floor.

They’d never been dancing together. Remus was good – amazingly good. His brimful energy poured into each movement as he span and twisted around Sirius using the effortless grace with which he did everything. A transcendent smile covered his face as the music absorbed him. Remus was utterly unguarded and such joys to watch that Sirius couldn’t take his eyes off him. Remus reached for him and Sirius stepped into the circle of his arms without hesitation.

Remus pulled him in seamlessly, leading Sirius in effortless movements to the throb of the music. Oh, this is bad, Sirius thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He leaned into the moment, taking advantage of the opportunity to be close to Remus. Remus curved against him, Sirius tormented by the agonising temptation that spiked in him every time their bodies bumped together.

Sirius could smell the salt of Remus’ hot skin. He could see the tiny flicks of silver already speckled across Remus’ temples. They were so close, and an urge to roll forwards and close that final gap, to give in, threatened to swallow him. Sirius reeled back, trying to disperse his desiring discomfort. “I’ll get us a drink?” he called over the music. Remus nodded with a radiant grin, then turned away to lose himself in the bass line’s embrace.

Remus was tireless and perfect on the dance floor, making him easy to find when Sirius returned and slipped a cup into his hand. He coiled an arm around Sirius’ waist and dragged him in, kissing his cheek in thanks.

Sirius loved dancing – the press of people enjoying themselves, company and drinks and movement ... but dancing with Remus was an experience like nothing else. His stamina seemed boundless and Sirius couldn’t keep up with him.

And every time Sirius tried to keep some distance Remus pulled him close again. It was confusing; it was driving him crazy, but gradually alcohol began to break down their inhibitions. After a few hours and too many drinks Sirius finally stopped pulling back when Remus hauled their bodies tight together. Remus sang music in his ear, leading him through every song. His hands tickled down Sirius’ back, fingers pressing tight over his hips. Sirius rolled closer, seeking the unmistakeable feel of desire.

“Unh,” Remus murmured appreciatively. He grasped Sirius’ arse, canting his hips forward in a hard, slow circle. Sirius gasped as their cocks brushed together, grabbing Remus tight as his balance faltered. “Let’s go back to mine.”

Sirius groaned desperately. He wanted this, it was all he wanted. But something about it felt off – the odd vibrancy and eagerness in Remus, the heat of alcohol spilling between them. This wasn’t the way to go about it. It was an impulse they’d both probably regret.

But Sirius had never seen Remus so uninhibited and it hit that protective chord inside him again. There was no way he was going to leave Remus alone, tipsy and buzzed in a noisy club, so instead he nodded. Remus grinned and leant in to nip the hinge of Sirius’ jaw before dragging him into the cold night.

Remus wound their hands tight together in the cab. He spoke animatedly to the driver as he encouraged her to drive faster. Sirius blinked tipsily at this lively stranger in Remus’ skin, trying to discover the abrupt change. Remus seemed even wilder than at the beginning of the night –alcohol must be the culprit. Sirius had never seen Remus have more than one drink before.

Remus fumbled the keys when they reached his door. He’d forgotten to turn on the porch light, and the starlight glimmered dully on the white metal as Remus laughed and eventually swung the door open. He yanked Sirius inside behind him.

“So,” Remus grinned wolfishly, slamming the door shut with a flamboyant shove. “You’ve drunk too much to drive home so you’d better stay here the night.”

“I think you’re right,” Sirius agreed.

Remus hooked a warm arm around him. “Good...”

Without preamble, he yanked Sirius close and crashed their mouths together. Remus’ kiss was hot and demanding, lips hungry over Sirius’ own. An alarming whimper crept up his throat as his desire raged against the ineffable wrongness of what was happening.

It was a short-lived battle. Remus curled a hand into Sirius’ hair and urged him closer, his other hand dropping to Sirius’ waistband, eagerly slipping open his fly buttons. A volcanic tide of ambivalence flooded everything and even as Sirius’ cock twitched with interest he wilfully eased Remus back. He stilled the grasping fingers gently with his own.

Remus watched him, eyes bright and wild like an animal. Shock made Sirius tactless. “Remus, what the hell are you doing? I thought you didn’t want this...”

Remus smiled. Sirius fought lust from his tipsy brain as those lips curved upwards, a tantalising invitation. “Well, it might be fun ... just a bit of fun, Sirius, nothing to worry about. You’re so fucking sexy, you know? I’ve wanted this since the minute we met...”

Sirius planted his hand on Remus’ lean chest as the other man edged forwards again. “Remus ... we’re friends. Only friends, because that’s what you wanted. But you can’t have it both ways. I’m not that guy. This isn’t fair.”

Remus reared back, glaring at him with haughty irritation. Where did that come from? Sirius gaped at this sudden change. Remus’ pale face was twisted in a sneer and Sirius couldn’t process this new alteration in his friend.

“Fine,” Remus snapped eventually. “Well. We might as well call it a night then. You can sleep on the couch.” Marching off, Remus rudely left Sirius standing confused in the foyer.

Hesitantly, Sirius followed Remus into the sitting room. He watched him throw a bundle of linens onto the couch before stomping off to his bedroom with only a cursory goodnight. Exhausted, Sirius sank onto the couch, cradling his head in his hands. “What the fuck just happened?” he mumbled.

There was nothing for it but to try and rest, in the hope that when morning came sleep and sobriety would reveal his Remus again and they could laugh off the whole misunderstanding. Sirius sank into the pile of blankets and shut his eyes. He could hear Remus stamping about his room, the dim strains of music filtering under the door. They echoed all the way into his dreams.

l-l

Sirius woke with a blurred headache and stiff limbs. Groaning, he levered himself upright and glanced around hesitantly for Remus. He wasn’t there.  He wasn’t anywhere. The bedroom door stood open to reveal a bed that hadn’t been slept in and the rest of the house proved equally vacant. Peering through the window into the bright morning Sirius saw Remus’ car parked in the port. Wherever he’d gone, it must have been fairly close – perhaps to a local shop for milk or the early paper.

But after last night Sirius felt a rill of worried panic. He paused, then did the only thing he could think of. He rang James.

“D’you know what time it is?” grumbled a sleepy voice.

“Uh, no. Sorry.” Sirius shook his head, failing to clear the cobwebs from it. “Look Prongs, something’s wrong...”

He quickly relayed the night to James and heard an immediate change in him, sleepiness replaced with a sharp and keen readiness. “You’re still at his place?” James demanded. Lily’s concerned voice murmured in the background. “Look, don’t go anywhere. I’ll check his haunts, but ring me immediately if he gets back before I find him. Right, Pads?”

Baffled, Sirius stammered, “Okay...” but James had already hung up.

Sirius had no idea what was going on, but there was nothing for him to do but wait. He felt an unusual prick of fear – rarely had he heard James so stern. To distract himself, he found some spare towels and washed before making a pot of coffee. He curled himself back into the comforting tangle of rugs and tried to be patient. Finally, the door rattled open and James staggered in hauling a weary Remus behind him.

“What..?” Sirius started, but James shook his head warningly and deposited Remus at the other end of the couch.

“Sit,” James snapped. Remus huffed a sigh, slyly flashing Sirius a wicked grin. He looked shabby and worn, but was still twitching and full of life.

“Where were you?” Sirius asked carefully.

“Oh, sorry,” Remus said, not sounding it at all. “I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to disturb you, so I went out. There’s a gym a few blocks down; I went there to try and burn off some energy.”

Sirius blinked at Remus, and a horrible thought came to him. Remus looked exultant, not as though he’d lost any energy at all; his vibrant, ceaseless mood could be drug induced. He might have taken amphetamine or cocaine at the club...

Remus was humming happily and reached over to pick up Sirius’ abandoned coffee. Beyond a teenage experimentation, Sirius had no knowledge of drugs.

James was talking lowly into his phone just outside of the room. Sirius glanced at his furrowed brow, his pyjama top worn over unfastened jeans. His hair stuck out more than usual and there was an obvious smudge on one of his glasses lens. If Remus had a drug problem ... it would explain an awful lot.

James came back in, sliding his phone away. “I’ve filled Lily in,” he said. He planted himself firmly in front of Remus. “I checked your journal, Remus – I make this day twelve, at least. Where’re your meds?”

Remus snorted. “Oh, them. I threw them out.”

James pushed a hand over his head. “Remus...” he said, voice despairing.

Sirius swallowed hard. In the months he and Remus had been getting to know each other, he’d had no idea that Remus had been battling with substance abuse. He glanced at Remus, afraid of seeing this new man take over the one he’d come to know.

James seemed to have forgotten Sirius was there. His face was pinched tight with thought, and eventually he muttered to himself, “Okay. Alright.” He spoke with an iron resolve “C’mon Remus. We’re gonna go for a little drive.”

Remus’ eyes shuttered hard. “James, I’m fine. I’m great. I don’t need to go anywhere.”

James crouched in front of him, snatching Remus’ hands in his own. “Moony, please. I love you. Let me help you. You know how this always goes. Is that really what you want?”

Doubt flickered in Remus’ bright amber gaze. He no longer sounded sure. “Prongs ... no.”

“Remus, you went to Greyback last night!”

Sirius didn’t know what Greyback was, but he saw the change in Remus. A swift war went on in his eyes, between the cheery, defiant man and the uncertain, sensible friend. On a heavy breath, Remus grunted, “Fine.”

James sighed, relief hunching his shoulders. “Good, Moony. C’mon. Sirius,” James turned to him, jaw set with hard determination. Sirius shook away his questions. “Can you pack a bag with whatever Remus will need for a couple of days and bring it to St Mungo’s?”

“What?” Sirius was floored. St Mungo’s was the local hospital.

James was already tugging Remus towards the door. “Just some clothes and things. No razors. I’ll meet you there.”

l-l

Sirius hated hospitals. He hated the sterile chemical smell and they way they radiated sickness. Mostly he hated the memories of his mother’s hard beatings, which had made him a patient so many times before he’d moved out of home.

Whatever was wrong with Remus though, it was more important to be there for him. So Sirius awkwardly packed the essentials he thought Remus would want into an overnight bag. Then he raced home to feed his dogs and change his clothes before heading to St Mungo’s.

He was directed to the visitors’ lounge. James was slouched in a hard chair with his head hidden in his hands. He looked up at the thud of Sirius’ boots on the linoleum. “Oh, you’re here. Poor bloody Moony. They’ve sedated him and are checking his records. He’s going to freak out when he comes down.”

Sirius sank heavily into a chair. “So he does have a drug problem?”

James squinted at him, aghast. “No! Where the hell did you get that idea?”

Startled at the reaction, Sirius sputtered but no words came.

James shook his head impatiently. “Doesn’t matter. Look, Sirius ... it’s not my place to tell you and Remus won’t like it, but you kind need to know ... Padfoot, Remus has Bipolar disorder.”

Sirius shook his head blankly. “I don’t know what that is.”

James sighed, rumpling a hand through his hair. “For Remus, it’s hell.”

James brusquely outlined the chronic illness that Remus had been diagnosed with as a teenager – erratic and destructive behaviour, mood swings, mania, depression... “It’s beyond hard, but Remus needs us, Sirius. When an episode catches him he just can’t take care of himself – it’s a part of the illness, he can’t help it. That’s why he stays with us sometimes.” James paused. Then he sighed and said more softly, “And he told me it was the reason he put you off when Lily and I tried to set you up. He’s had past relationships break down because people can’t handle the illness. He hurts all the time, Sirius, but he was doing so well. He’s going to be mortified.”

Sirius’ head was swimming, trying desperately to wade through the onslaught of information. He glanced at James’ drawn face and tried to speak, but his voice caught. Sirius coughed and tried again. “Are you okay?”

James glanced up, surprised. “Me? Oh yeah, Padfoot. I’m fine. Worried. But Lily and I are good at this and Remus is a great guy. We love him, which makes it easier. And harder,” he admitted as an afterthought.

Sirius looked away, biting his lip. “Look, mate ... this has been a whirlwind. I need to downtime, if that’s cool?”

James looked at him, assessing. “Yeah. Of course.”

Sirius stood, nudging Remus’ bag over. “Tell him I’ll be back to visit later, okay?”

James stood, yanking Sirius into an abrupt hug. “Don’t give up on him, Pads.”

l-l

It was still fairly early in the morning when Sirius got home. He pulled his computer onto his lap and curled up on the couch, knees bent and feet up on the seat.

Hours later, his eyes ached and his head was throbbing. He’d been staring at the screen all day, cram-learning as much as he could about Bipolar disorder – the different types, clinical descriptors, personal accounts... it sounded terrifying and intense, and even the thrill of mania sounded more unhealthy than the balance was worth.

Numb and overwhelmed from everything he’d tried to process Sirius eventually heaved himself out of the house and strolled down to his kennel yards. Dogs came bounding over to greet him, grinning wide, sloppy smiles as he slipped through the gate to join them. Being with the dogs always helped to clear Sirius’ mind and he chased them about playfully before collapsing in an exhausted heap in the grass, a few clingy pets curling beside him.

Lily was at the hospital when Sirius returned that evening. She put aside the magazine she’d been skimming and wrapped him in her warmest hug. “Oh Sirius,” she smiled tiredly. “I’m so glad you came back.”

 “Of course I did,” he mumbled. “You think something like this would scare me off?”

Lily arched an indulgent eyebrow as she sank back into her chair. “It’s been much worse than this. It may well be again. But Remus is worth it.”

Sirius glanced at Remus in the bed. He was restless but unconscious, looking so unlike his sweet, steady friend. Sirius didn’t think he’d ever seen someone look so vulnerable and fragile. Remus’ skin was a frail grey, his eyes sunken bruises beneath translucent lids. His chest ached. “I think so too.”

Remus didn’t wake but Sirius stayed awhile anyway. He asked Lily the cropping questions which were bothering him most. She’d known Remus before he had been diagnosed. “He’s never been psychotic,” Lily answered Sirius’ nervous question with calm assurance. “I mean, he gets the delusions, you know – everything’s so much more and he feels connected to everything – but no hallucinations, no believing he can fly and things. Which doesn’t mean it’s any less dangerous when he has an episode.” Lily sighed and patted Remus’ hand.

Sirius was asked to leave when visiting hours ended. As an approved advocate Lily stayed and promised she would call him with any news.

The next few days were pure hell. Sirius wanted to see Remus. A dull hurt had settled low in his chest and wouldn’t lift. Sirius waded through his days in an agitated sulk. He needed Remus to know that they were still friends and he needed to see with his own eyes that Remus was getting better.

Lily warned him away. “He wouldn’t want you seeing him like he is right now, Sirius. And trust me, it’s better that you don’t, at least until he’s stabilised. He’s back on his meds and will probably be home in a few days. Give him time to settle before you go to see him. Remus is vulnerable right now Sirius – he won’t thank you for rushing this.”

So Sirius waited, impatient and frustrated. He thought of Remus hiding desperately behind his shredded pride, remembered him lying so small and vacant enveloped in a soulless bed, pumped full of sedatives. Sirius felt useless and irritable. He stamped aimless and distracted around his house.

Finally, James rang him to say Remus was home and stable. Sirius arrived on his doorstep unannounced two mornings later, bearing coffee and doughnuts. After a small wait, the door swung open.

Sirius’ chest twisted painfully.

Remus looked considerably worse for wear. He was unshaven and hunched beneath a humongous dressing gown, hair curling madly about his head. “Oh, Sirius...” he sighed an apologetic lament. “You must hate me...”

Sirius was so taken aback he nearly laughed aloud. Instead he pushed a smile across his face and brushed his way past Remus. The stark tidiness had given way to a comfortable lived-in feel. Remus plodded into the sitting room behind Sirius and gratefully took the proffered cup, gesturing him to the couch. He took a sip and murmured his appreciation. Flatly he said, “Well, you know now.”

Sirius kept his voice soft. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Remus laughed without humour. “That I’m a lunatic? Gee, I don’t know.”

Sirius wasn’t perturbed. “Remus I don’t know what’s happened with other people but I don’t scare that easily. I’m pretty resilient. And I fucking like you, okay?”

Remus’ mouth twitched. “Others have said that too, Sirius. It becomes a different story when I’m wild or spending more money than I earn or won’t keep my hands to myself for days on end. Jesus, I’m sorry about that. Gods, I’m so embarrassed.”

“Don’t be,” Sirius said, shifting a little awkwardly. “It wasn’t your fault. I’m just glad I pegged something was going on before I got too carried away myself.”

Remus snorted and wouldn’t look at him. “You’re sweet,” he said heavily. “Too sweet to be anywhere near me. It’s probably better if we go back to meeting once every however many years or whatever.”

Sirius sucked a deep breath and reached a hand out, curling it carefully around Remus’ wrist. “We’re friends now. You’ve got to do a lot more than try and have sex with me to lose my friendship.” Startled, Remus laughed and Sirius grinned. “Come here, would you?” He didn’t wait for an answer but scuttled close and curled Remus in a firm hug. He rested his mouth against Remus’ hair and stroked his back, the knot in his chest easing slightly as he felt the other man slowly relax.

Remus was mumbling into his shirt. “You don’t know what you’re saying. It really isn’t good. And I’m a bad patient. You’re better off away from me.”

“I’ve never been any good at doing what’s good for me,” Sirius replied. “Besides, you kind of actually mean quite a lot to me. I want to help and I’m not going to take no for an answer.”

Remus sniffed as he pulled back. His eyes were dry though, steady and clear when they locked onto Sirius’. “Do you really have any idea what you’d be getting into?” he asked.

Sirius rubbed his fingers along Remus’ cheekbone. “Sort of. I’m willing to find out the rest. Remus, I saw you crazy-high and I saw you in hospital. I still want you. I’ve wanted you since we met.”

Remus’ eyes fell shut. “Sirius, I’ve heard it all. Nobody has been able to handle this fucking mind disease except Lily and James. I’m slowly getting on top of it, but this will never go away. You can escape it. You should.”

“Yeah, see ... I don’t want to. I get why you’re trying to scare me off, Remus. I do, but ... let’s just fucking try, please?”

Remus raked an unsteady hand across his face. “Sirius, you’re really making this hard for me.”

“Good,” he murmured. “Then I know that you want it too. Remus ... kiss me properly? Not like the other night. Properly.”

Remus looked at him. “Sirius...” His voice was plea.

Sirius rested his fingertips against Remus’ lips. He glanced up to catch Remus’ eyes reassuringly, then leant in and pressed their mouths gently together.

Remus hesitated for only the tiniest of moments before his body sighed against Sirius’, their lips melding smoothly, softly together. Encouraged, Sirius wriggled closer, reaching for the relishing feel of Remus. He deepened the kiss, his tongue sliding past Remus’ lips and into his welcoming taste. Remus trembled beneath Sirius’ fingertips, meeting his every move with growing fervour and their exploratory touches began to morph into something affectionate and desirous. Sirius forced himself back, gasping.

“Fuck...” Remus murmured, touching his bottom lip vaguely. His dazed eyes were locked to Sirius’.

“See why I’m sticking around?” Sirius asked, carding a hand through Remus’ untidy curls.

Remus’ mouth quirked slightly. “I see why Prongs warned me you were a pain in the arse.”

l-l

“I thought I was going to scare you off forever,” Remus said. Sirius had taken him out as a treat, but they both knew it was their first proper date. “Fucking hell, you have no idea how mad I get sometimes.”

“I’ll learn,” Sirius said. A server plonked drinks down in front of them.

Remus rubbed his fingers around the glass, smearing frosty condensation across the slick surface. “Do I need to tell you all my secrets? All the terrible things I’ve done when I’m not well?”

Sirius met his eyes. He said, “Do they affect me? What we might have together?”

Remus was uncharacteristically uncertain. “I guess not...”

Sirius reached across the table and laced their fingers together. “Then I don’t need to know. I’ve done things I regret too, Remus. Keeping trying is what matters.”

Remus’ lips curved in a soft smile. “I am trying. I’m always trying, but when I relapse I’m not me. It makes it hard to get back on track.”

“You’ve made it this far. That’s a good sign.”

Remus had told Sirius about his history with the illness – the terrible, suffocating depressions that had swallowed up his teen years with self-harm and suicide attempts, interspersed with mania so vibrant that he’d put his life in danger with impulsive risk taking. He’d been hospitalised, sedated, medicated, in therapy... it was a patched and chequered history, motley and miserable.

Sirius was glad Remus was finally letting him in. It was horrifying to listen to his stories, and everything he’d learned sounded frightening, but when Sirius looked at Remus he wanted to try. The protective urge in him had never been stronger.

Remus talked about his experiences with relationships. It wasn’t cheering, especially when Remus assured him that others had been as determined as Sirius was. “You haven’t seen me at my worst yet. You haven’t had to live with it. But I am doing better than I was a few years ago,” Remus admitted.

 “Remember that. That’s hope, Remus.”

“You,” Remus said, gracing him with an indulgent glance, “are a sap.”

Sirius grinned. “Glad we established that early on. Now, I’m starving. You ready to order?”

Dating was surprisingly easy. Sirius had thought it might be an awkward adjustment, but the friendship they had struck made the transition smooth. They saw each other regularly, learning one another on a deeper level. As the weeks drew out, the only unexplored aspect of their blooming relationship was sexual.

Remus’ health had been somewhat turbulent as he’d readjusted so Sirius had drawn on a deep resolve to avoid further complications. He’d been nervous that Remus might yet get cold feet and chuck him. But their sweet kisses and slow touches were becoming increasingly frustrating.

It was Remus who broached the subject. Sirius had invited him over for a late supper after he’d worked overtime at evening surgery. Afterwards they were sprawled together on the couch when Remus plunked down his mug of tea and sat up straight. His body flexed and rippled beneath his shirt and Sirius’ eyes raked over him, a twinge of hot pleasure coursing down his spine.

 “Padfoot, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about,” Remus said, diplomatic and steady.

Sirius’ spark of desire flickered and died. Remus sounded serious and such words didn’t bode well. Dread dripped into his heart and Sirius curled back against the armrest, crossing his long legs to protect himself from the inevitable hurt. Clearing his throat, Sirius croaked, “Okay.”

Remus sucked in a bracing breath and released it on a quiet sigh. “I really like you. I have since we met. And I know that this thing with me wouldn’t be usual for you. I just wonder ... is that why you’re treating me with kid gloves?”

Sirius’ heart thudded as anxiety replaced the blood in his veins. “What do you mean?”

Remus leant slightly closer, twisting their hands together. “No other guy has ever been as hands-off with me as you. I can only think of a few reasons for that – one of them being that you’re afraid of getting too close to me.”

 “Uh...” Sirius stumbled for words, but Remus continued over the top of him in a remarkably conversational tone.

“Of course, it might be that you’re ace. Or hiding some hideous physical deformity. Or maybe you’re not attracted to me enough.”

“Remus, shut up!” Sirius clapped a hand over Remus’ mouth. “Trust me, I am just as gorgeous underneath my clothes as the parts you can see. Fuck, you sarcastic bastard – I am incredibly turned on by you and I’ve been fighting it for fucking months. I just didn’t want to pressure you with everything else you’ve had going on.”

Remus had to lick his palm before Sirius remembered he couldn’t reply. Remus’ mouth curled sweet and soft, his brown curls tumbling endearingly across his eyes. “Good to know,” he hummed mildly. “So if I try putting my hand down your trousers again you won’t stop me?”

Sirius’ cock answered for him, stirring with delightful anticipation. “Not this time,” he confirmed, stretching closer.

Remus’ smile curled into something predatory. He shuffled across the couch, confidently arranging their bodies into a close wind of limbs as he dipped in and pressed his lips to Sirius’.

There was no gentleness, none of the careful, learning touches they’d been sticking to – Remus surged against him with desperate intent, his kiss deep and hard. Elegant hands burned a firm path over Sirius’ body, teasing fingers hovering above his fly.

Sirius arched upwards. “Don’t be a prick tease, Moony...” he groused.

Remus paused, chuckling. “Why not?” he crooned. “You have been for weeks.”

Sirius stretched, but Remus drew his hand away. “Do I have to do it myself?” Sirius snapped.

“Mm,” Remus brushed their lips together. “Please do. Let me watch.”

Sirius shuddered as need flooded him. He slipped his flies open and wriggled his trousers down. Remus’ hand curled over his as Sirius grasped his cock and stroked himself fully hard.

Remus’ thumb rubbed a soft circle into the back of his hand. They were both breathless. “Show me how you like it, Sirius,” Remus murmured, lips ghosting against the delicate skin beneath his jaw. Their hands tightened together as Sirius flexed his hand along his prick, squeezing with a satisfying languor. Remus huffed, butting against him. Sirius glanced up. Their eyes locked, thunder clapping in the meeting and Remus hauled Sirius in, snogging him violently. Fingers scrabbled artlessly at Sirius’ buttons, fumbling his shirt open. “Naked...” Remus mumbled against his tongue. “Yes, please.”

Desire pushed them together clumsily, clothes hastily discarded until bare flesh was fully revealed. A sudden slowness pressed between them. Breathing unsteadily, Sirius danced his fingertips down the ripple of Remus’ rib bones, laughing when he shied away. “You’re ticklish,” he grinned, trailing lower, exploring the curves of lean nakedness before him. He rubbed his palm over the arch of Remus’ hip, thumb rubbing at the small coloured symbol inked in the deep arch.

Remus glanced down, a sudden hesitancy filling his limbs. “Okay?” he asked. “Is ... is bisexuality an issue for you?”

Sirius smiled, smoothing his hand against Remus’ velvet skin. “I already knew, and no. I just kinda love tattoos,” he admitted. “You have more, right? One on your shoulder?” Remus’ eyebrows flicked and he nodded. “Can I..?” Remus nodded again, and with laughing eyes opened his body to Sirius’ inspection.

Remus trembled as Sirius moved over his shapes. The tattoo he had glimpsed months before was a howling wolf. A moon phase curled down his arm, disguising the old, ragged marks left by a razor. Sirius pressed close, smoothed the scars with his lips.

Remus whimpered and twisted, catching a hand around Sirius’ neck. “Padfoot...” he keened. “I don’t want to wait. I need to touch you.”

Sirius shifted, making room for him. “Go on then,” he whispered, barking with delight when Remus’ hand coiled fast around his prick. He imitated the slow pull Sirius had used, gradually becoming faster and working a careful twist at the summit. Sirius clung to Remus’ neck, losing himself in the heated passion of skin on naked skin as Remus set his senses alight and carefully pulled him apart. If it hadn’t been so perfect Sirius would have been embarrassed at how quickly Remus moved him to boiling point. Sirius sought Remus’ mouth, crying his release into a welcoming kiss as he came hard across Remus’ knuckles.

“Oh, god,” Remus gasped hoarsely. “You’re so gorgeous when you come.” He sucked one finger vaguely into his mouth, murmuring his appreciation.

“I’m gorgeous when I don’t,” Sirius huffed. His blood was burning hot with desire, eyes dragging over Remus’ body. They flicked up to catch Remus’ hungry gaze. “Your turn...”

 “I’d like that.” Remus’ voice was a breathless groan. He tangled himself in Sirius again, kissing him with rough need as Sirius urged him back against the cushions. His hands slid over Remus, tracing more scars on his hip, but again Remus flinched away.

“It’s okay,” Sirius soothed, bowing over Remus’ pelvis. Remus was hard, the tip of his erection tantalisingly close to Sirius’ cheek. He licked a broad stripe over the broken lines marring pale skin, pressed a heated kiss to the tattoo above them. Sirius wanted to learn every inch of Remus, to find every freckle on his body ... but he was too impatient. Remus sighed under his touch, a hand sliding into Sirius’ hair.

He smiled. “Are you ready, Moony?”

Remus shivered. “I was ready a month ago, Puppy.”

Sirius squeezed his thigh affectionately, then wrapped a hand around Remus’ heavy cock, lifting it. Taking a steady breath, he parted his hungry lips and sucked quick and deep.

Remus swore violently, thrashing against the couch as he bent eagerly upwards. Sirius made a smug noise and Remus’ hand twisted sharply in his hair. “More,” Remus panted.

Sirius happily obliged. He knew how to give a good blow job. With a few smooth tricks and a curl of the tongue Sirius reduced him to a blubbering mess of curse words and taut muscle. He didn’t need Remus’ rambled warning to know he wouldn’t last long.

He licked a slow, wet path over the twitching head of Remus’ cock. “Come, Moony,” he whispered urgently and wrapped a tight fist around the shaft, sucking firmly. Remus yelled a garbled cry and yanked Sirius’ hair fervidly as he spilled hot pulses deep down his throat.

Sirius groaned his pleasure as he swallowed, Remus holding him tight until the waves of orgasm subsided. He collapsed against the cushions and tugged at Sirius’. He slid up Remus’ languid body, licking his lips. “Mm, Moony, you taste good,” he growled happily.

Remus gave a hoarse laugh. “Thanks. Bloody hell, you’re good at giving head.”

Sirius grinned, nuzzling Remus’ cheek. “I know. You’re welcome.”

Remus curled a hand into Sirius’ hair again, rumpling it gently and rubbing his fingers against Sirius’ scalp. “Just wait until I return the favour,” he murmured. “I have very good references.”

“I don’t want to hear them,” Sirius said, prodding him sharply. He wriggled more comfortably against Remus. “You don’t mind cuddling after, do you? I like it, but a lot of men...”

“No, this is perfect,” Remus assured him, looping his arms around Sirius possessively as proof. “Fuck, that was good. But I kinda rushed you... again. Sorry.”

“Pfft, we have all night,” Sirius said. “I’ll be good to go again before you know it. Stay here tonight. I want to explore every inch of you.”

Remus paused, thinking. “Okay,” he said finally, a smile in his words. “I’m not working tomorrow. But I don’t have anything with me.”

Sirius laughed, breath barking against Remus’ chest. “Moony, d’you really think I care if you borrow my toothbrush?”

l-l

“You’re not looking well, Sirius,” Lily said as a greeting. Sirius didn’t exactly feel well – he was tired and stressed. But he shrugged flippantly as he followed Lily into the house. She said, “Where’s Remus?”

“We had a fight, he’s not coming.”

Lily’s gaze was bright and astute. “Come and sit down. James isn’t home yet, we’ll talk.”

Lily enveloped him in her feminine hospitality and Sirius began to talk. The past few months had been happy and uneventful, but the onset of winter combined with the holidays had gotten Remus down. He had stayed down, and for the first time Sirius had begun to see his low side.

Remus was withdrawn and irrational, refusing to talk to Sirius about what was happening inside his mind. Sirius had recognised the downslide too late. He was out of his depth, and when Remus became paranoid and the argument started Sirius hadn’t known what to do.

He’d left Remus at his house, escaping with his impotent fury before he made things worse. Angry fists had curled around the handles of his motorbike and he’d blinked back hurt, reactive tears as he roared down the driveway. The last thing he’d heard before the engine and the shriek of wind deafened him was Remus’ accusing voice: I knew you’d stop caring for me. Everybody does!

“It didn’t seem to matter what I said. I couldn’t convince him,” Sirius finished.

Lily put her hand on his knee. “Sometimes he thinks and says the most awful things. It’s difficult, isn’t it? He really is worth it, Sirius.”

“I know he is,” Sirius hissed. “But I don’t know how to help. How do I snap him out of this?”

Lily shook her head, red hair bouncing against her narrow shoulders. “Sirius, you don’t. All you can do is watch him. If he slides too far, get help. Neither of you have to do this alone. And you don’t need to fix him Sirius – he’s not broken. Just support him and come to me or Jimmy when you need to.”

Sirius was silent, huddled deep in his jacket as he processed her words. They helped him regain some perspective.

“Can you do this?” Lily asked gently when Sirius stayed quiet. “Or is it too much?”

Sirius spoke with aggressive vehemence. “No. Nothing’s too much. But it’s hard because I don’t understand, and I can see him suffering ... why? Why has he become depressed? Why is it so fucking difficult to stabilise? What causes it? Why Remus?”

Lily slid her arm around him, pulling Sirius against her maternally. “We’ve all asked those questions – even Remus. He’s one of the gentlest, sweetest men I’ve ever known and it isn’t fair, you’re right. But the only answer I know is that life is a bitch. There is no other reason. And sometimes his mood will swing without reason. Other times there’s a trigger – like the last manic episode – and with time you’ll learn them.”

Sirius was confused. “What triggered it then?”

Lily glanced at him, suddenly nervous. “He didn’t tell you? Attraction, the thrill of meeting someone – it’s tipped him upwards before. This downslide might even be because the honeymoon period is passing. Hormones change as emotions settle and the brain chemistry just gets knocked off course. It might be compounded by the season. The problem is sometimes Remus just can’t pull himself back again.”

Sirius realised his research hadn’t taught him enough and the new information shook him. He was heartsick. “I don’t want to be the cause of his relapsing...”

“You’re not,” Lily squeezed him fiercely. “That’s not how Bipolar works. Just book an appointment with his specialist and make sure he takes his meds, Sirius. He’ll come out of it.”

There was a pause as Sirius pulled away from her. “Don’t you ever doubt that?” he finally asked, facing her frankly.

Lily met him just as firmly. “Not for one second. When I met Remus he was as low as a boy could be. I saw the first manic episode that had him diagnosed. I’ve seen it end. I support him unconditionally because I love him. When Jim and I met, I made sure he knew that Remus was a part of my package, and ... well you know what a great guy James is. But other people who cared about Remus have left him. Right now he’ll be terrified that you’re going to be one of them.”

You know how you feel about him, Black. You can’t abandon him. “I won’t be.”

Lily talked Sirius through some useful strategies and gave him some advice, so that when Sirius straddled his motorbike and returned home it was with a renewed spirit. Lily hugged him goodbye, happily accepting a raincheck on supper.

Sirius let the liberation of his motorbike calm him, hoping that Remus would still be at his house when he got home.

The car was in his driveway, and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. He stumbled through the house, but Remus wasn’t inside. Shrugging out of his coat, Sirius took the opportunity to copy some numbers out of the phone on the coffee table and then wandered out towards his kennels. In the morning he would make some appointments on Remus’ behalf, but now he just wanted to find the man.

Dusk was gathering but Sirius could make out Remus’ shape. He was sitting, shivering, on the main gate.

“Remus?” Sirius called.

Remus straightened at his voice, clambering down from the gate and leaving a pair of disappointed dogs in his wake. “Hey,” he called back with a forced a smile.

They reached one another and Sirius curled Remus in his arms, heaving him tight against his chest. “Thank god you’re still here. I was worried you would leave.”

Remus laughed humourlessly into his shoulder, hands curling hard in Sirius’ shirt. “I worried you would,” he mumbled.

Sirius was overwhelmed by a rush of sweet affection, fuelling his determination to stand by Remus whatever it took. “I’m not going anywhere,” he growled, squashing Remus against him. “No matter how many fights we have or what’s going on with you.”

Remus breath was rough and his body heavy as he collapsed into Sirius’ strength. For just a second it frightened Sirius to see someone he cared about so utterly defeated. Then he drew a bracing breath and steered Remus gently back into the house.

Depositing a shaking Remus on the couch, Sirius went to brew a pot of tea. He returned to find Remus curled in on himself, blank faced and dry eyed. “Are you really not leaving me?” he asked softly, glancing up at Sirius.

Sirius crouched down beside him. “I’m really not. But I need you to do something for me.”

Remus met his eyes. “Okay. If I can.”

Sirius hooked an arm around him. “I need you to make a deal with me. Because I care about you and want to help you, but ... you were right, this is hard for me.” Remus’ eyes were wide and defenceless. “So I need you to agree to let me help you. When I say you need to see the doctor, then you see the doctor. When I tell you to take your meds, you take them. I want you to be healthy, Remus. I want you to be you.”

Remus blinked and his mouth gave a sad curl. “The only Remus I want to be is the one you care for,” he murmured. “I trust you Sirius. I’ll do my best.”

Blissful heat thrummed in Sirius’ chest, warming him and melting any lingering doubts. Emotion blossomed hard inside him, making him choke. “Wow... uhm.”

Still sad-eyed, Remus pushed a wry smile across his mouth and reached for his mug. “You want me to see the doctor, don’t you? Okay. I can do that. I’m sorry I’m down, Sirius. I’m sorry we fought.”

Sirius swallowed, looping his fingers around Remus’ jaw and turning their faces together. He was reeling. “I didn’t know you felt like that...”

Remus frowned, confused. “Of course I’m sorry when we fight.”

“No, not that. What you said about wanting to be...“

A different sort of anxiety crossed Remus’ expression. “Oh. Well, now you do. Is that bad?”

The words had never been said between them. They didn’t need to be. And if he’d never fully realised it before, Sirius knew it then. Fuck, he loves me.

A grin broke across his face. Adoration and the unbelievable need to express it swamped through Sirius. He spread his palm across Remus’ cheek and the tenderness in his voice surprised him. “No. Remus, no – it’s brilliant. I adore you. All of you, loony or otherwise.”

Remus’ smile was muted, almost fearful. “Really?” He sounded as though part of him still expected Sirius to push him out the door.

“Yes, fuck it,” Sirius said fiercely. “Remus ... goddammit, come to bed with me? We haven’t been together in over a week. I need you.”

Remus eyes searched him in subtle assessment. His smile brightened and his tongue darted across his lips. “Yes.”

“Thank god,” Sirius said, collapsing against Remus and catching his mouth in frantic, passionate kiss. A similar feeling kindled beneath Remus’ sadness and they moved to the bedroom together.

Sirius took his time, smoothing his hands across Remus’ pale strength as he stripped away his clothes. Remus met his fervour earnestly and soon they tangled together, sharing marvellous nakedness. Remus’ fingers set his skin on fire. “Yes ... ah, Moony...”

Remus pressed his mouth against Sirius’ throat. His head fell back, hair tickling down his back. A gentle scrape of teeth rasped across his stubble. “What do you want, Sirius?”

“Just you, Remus. Fuck me...”

Remus’ hips butted against him roughly. Remus urged Sirius back on the bed, stretching out over him until they were touching everywhere, skin cool and hot all at once. Sirius rolled his hips upwards in a slow grind, his breath catching when his cock brushed with delicious friction against Remus’.

Remus tangled his fingers in Sirius’ hair. “I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you,” he murmured. Slowly, he traced a path down Sirius’ body, setting a measured pace across his chest and shoulders and following it with his lips. Sliding slowly downwards, he scooped up Sirius’ hand and sucked a finger into his mouth. Sirius moaned, wriggling. “Remus...”

“Mm?” Remus murmured, tasting a second finger.

“Fuck me already!” Sirius snapped, and Remus sat up, gently lowering Sirius’ hand again, using it to press some reserve into Sirius’ hip.

“Patience, Puppy.” He slid Sirius’ thigh over his shoulder, kissing the tender skin inside his leg before nuzzling casually lower.

“Remus!”

Remus’ gentle laugh lifted Sirius’ spirits. Sensuous breath tracked across his skin, setting his nerves on edge. His cock gave a desperate throb as the wet tip of Remus’ tongue touched his perineum and dipped downwards, rubbing damp circles. Sirius pushed into his touch, “Ohh, more...”

But Remus drew away from his eagerness. Sirius reached out for him vainly and Remus laughed again as he shifted. “Lube, Puppy?”

Blindly, Sirius fumbled for it, snatching the tube from the bedside table and thrusting it at Remus. He heard the suck and squirt as Remus coated his fingers before touching him gently. Sirius flinched at the chilly press, sucking a deep breath and willing himself to relax. His concentration snapped and he let out a string of colourful curses as Remus’ mouth sealed around the head of his cock, tight and slippery.

Remus pulled back instantly. Sirius tingled vacant and cold without him. “You’re supposed to relax for this bit, Sirius,” he murmured.

“I was trying,” Sirius snapped. “You... ah!”

Remus sucked him in again, fingers moving in a slow inwards wriggle. Sirius slammed his palm into the headboard as Remus’ skilled tongue pulled a low burning ache from deep within him. Sirius groaned, feeling the too-soon lure of release.

“Don’t you dare,” Remus murmured, licking precum swiftly from Sirius’ cock before shuffling up his body. “Try to relax; you’re not quite ready, but you clearly don’t want to wait.”

Sirius wrapped Remus in his arms. “I’ll be fine, just get on with it.” Their lips met, sweet and desperate as Remus eased carefully, pausing when Sirius flinched with a twinge of pain. “Okay,” he puffed and Remus shifted slowly until their urgency for each other overwhelmed carefulness. His arm curled around Sirius’ hips to steady him.

Sirius mumbled nonsense into Remus’ mouth, lips and tongues sliding clumsily together. He hooped a leg around Remus’ arse, encouraging him deeper and yelping with a violent shudder when Remus’ prick brushed the sensitive gland inside him. Volts of coloured electricity sparked along Sirius’ nerves, blinding him. “Yes, Remus...”

He was answered with a grating moan. Remus’ mouth slid across Sirius’ jaw, a press of teeth on his neck as Remus tipped the angle of his hips. His hand fumbled between them, gripping Sirius’ cock. “Fuck,” Sirius hissed, clutching Remus to him. Remus replied with a low growl, teeth a bruising crush on his throat.

Sirius breathed Remus in, ignoring the aching sting of the bite. This was the greater pleasure, the trusting bond between them and it was that as much as anything that sent Sirius spiralling over the edge. His body pulsed with blissful spasms, intensified when Remus came mere moments later, mouth snapping frantically across Sirius’ skin.

He groaned happily, grunting as Remus edged away from him before settling their spent bodies gently together. Sirius rubbed his fingers down the trail of sweat on Remus’ spine. “You okay?”

Remus cleared his throat. “Very. You?”

“I’ll have a few bruises but I think I’ll be able to walk.” Sirius’ wry slur dragged a tired chuckle from Remus, who pressed a soothing kiss against the marks on his neck.

They curled together, tangled in their affection for one another. Sirius wanted to live in the moment with Remus beside him, the thrum of dual heartbeats echoing within them both. Remus split the silence. “You know, I never said before ... when you did...”

Sirius snuffled him before meeting his eyes. “You don’t need to, Moony,” he murmured, pressing an idle kiss to the tip of Remus’ nose. “I know.”

Remus’ palm slid across his jaw. “I’ve never said it. I mean, not to anybody. I never really wanted to. But ... what I feel for you ... it’s bigger than those three words, Sirius.”

Sirius pulled Remus against him, kissing him again. He murmured, “I love you too.”

l-l

“It’s not as if I didn’t come with my own set of problems,” Sirius said. “My family liked to pop up every so often and fuck up my life, too.”

“Sirius! Don’t say that to my child.”

“Sorry Lily,” Sirius grinned, winking at the boy perched on his lap.

Harry was a curious child, always asking questions. He had jumped onto Sirius’ knee when Lily led him into the sitting room and asked, “How did you meet Uncle Moony?”

Lily had shrugged apologetically. “He’s been obsessed since you told him you’re engaged.”

“Weddings are beautiful,” Harry said solemnly and Lily blushed.

“Got that from you, huh?” Sirius smirked. “Nice to know you’re happy for us.”

“Of course I am,” Lily said, pouring him a cup of tea. “We all are.”

“How did you meet?” Harry bounced demandingly. So Sirius had turned to him with a grin and slowly unveiled the whole story. He softened certain parts of it – Harry was a bit young to understand everything – but omitted nothing. When he was finished Harry was beaming.

Sirius smiled back. Most of his memories with Remus were very good. Some were painful – but the years had been kind to Remus. His medication was stable and episodes were rarer. Sirius was far better at helping him through them. Between experience, professional assistance and determination they had managed to overcome the biggest obstacles the illness posed.

Remus saw Sirius at his worst as well, each time his family pushed into his life. They had always driven him to his own certain madness with brief stints of dangerously alcoholic behaviour. Remus taught Sirius some of his own coping strategies and with caring tenderness they learned to heal together.

“Uncle Padfoot? When you and Uncle Moony are married will you have a baby?” Harry asked, blinking up at him with guileless green eyes.

Sirius smiled. “Well kid, I dunno. We certainly have amazing sex, but it doesn’t quite-”

 “No! No! You’re not having that talk with Harry,” Lily snapped, swooping in and snatching her son away from his godfather. Sirius barked a joyful laugh.

“Off you pop kiddo. Time for bed anyway.”

When Lily returned from settling Harry she met Sirius in the kitchen to finish cooking supper. “Amazing sex, huh?” she asked with a twitch of her russet brows.

Sirius laughed. “Yeah, luckily that never really went by the wayside. Remus is an absolute animal in the sack. And I mean that quite literally.” Lily looked confused. Sirius leaned in conspiratorially. “He bites.”

“Oh god.” Lily blanched. “I don’t know if I can talk about this with you.” Sirius grinned, knocking her wickedly with his hip as he turned back to the stove. A moment later he felt Lily’s gaze on him and glanced over, surprising a timidly quizzical look on her face. “What else do you guys do?”

When James and Remus arrived Sirius and Lily had finished cooking and were talking animatedly over wine. They caught the end of a risqué sentence and James flushed a deep red, glancing at Remus. Remus returned the look blandly and then winked.

Sirius beamed, bouncing across the room to catch Remus in his arms. “Hello, Mr Wolf. D’you know, it turns out that our precious fag stag here is a lousy lay! So I’ve been filling Lily in on the finer points of some of your particular kinks.”

Remus arched an eyebrow, his hand closing on Sirius’ hip. “She could have always propositioned me when we were younger if she wanted to know,” he slurred.

“Ah, shut up! I’m not a fag stag,” James snapped. “I wish I’d never let you two meet!”

“You know, I always thought I’d have been a good teacher. You’re welcome to a few lessons, Prongs,” Remus continued in that same infuriatingly mild tone.

“I love you but don’t think I won’t kill you if you try to touch me,” James said, failing to hide the grin that was fast swallowing his embarrassment.

“Just as well,” Remus said, giving Sirius a squeeze.”Poor Sirius here might not find anyone else to take him if we run off together.”

Sirius elbowed him sharply before steering Remus through to the dining room. “Best leave Prongs alone then Moony, ‘cause either way I’m out of a husband. Lily, you’ll have to make do with what I’ve told you.”

She smiled, sitting down as James laid the table. “You two really do make a good pair, don’t you? I’m so glad you’re happy.”

“Delirious,” Remus mumbled but he was smiling. Sirius escorted him to a chair and sat beside him, kissing his cheek with indulgent affection.

After supper, Sirius and Remus had a few moments alone in the sitting room. Sirius was struck by sudden memory and sat himself on the arm of the chair Remus was lounging in.

“D’you remember the first time we were here together? You were very quick to tell me you weren’t interested in me.”

Remus’ head tipped back so he could gaze up at Sirius with gentle, adoring eyes. “I was very interested; that’s why I warned you off. It was for both our sakes.”

Sirius rubbed his hand over Remus’ curls, tangling his fingers in their familiar softness. He was surprised by the insecure question that tumbled unbidden from his lips. “Do you ever regret this? Was it better for you when there was only you to worry about, no relationship drama?”

The corner of Remus’ mouth came slowly up. “I have many regrets, Puppy ... but you are not one of them. You’re my guiding star and all I want is what we have.”

Sirius beamed, almost embarrassed at how moved he was. Warmth spread through his veins as he bowed low, pressing his lips lovingly to Remus’ welcoming smile. Drawing back long moments later, Sirius murmured, “I’m so glad you agreed to marry me.”

Remus wound his hand tight with Sirius’. “I’m so glad you asked.”

fin