Chapter Text
Time passed differently after I started loving Spencer Reid. Before him time always seemed to move in lurches, some moments taking a lifetime to pass and other speeding by too quickly. Now the moments without him seemed to drag on for an eternity, but the time I was with him never seemed like enough.
Not every moment of loving him was easy, because it wasn’t. We argued like any other couple...even if how we made up was a bit different. Sometimes I loved how he rambled about everything and nothing for hours on end, other times it drove me insane. Sometimes little remnants of the walls I’d had up for most of my adult life reared their ugly heads.
It had been six months since I jumped in front of a bullet to save the love of my life, and five months since I’d allowed him to love me.
What was miraculous was that I never doubted that he loved me. Sure, he said it every day, but his actions are what truly made me feel it. Spencer’s love was like a tangible thing to me; it was warm, safe, and something I don’t know how I survived so long without.
My boy still brought me iced coffees after a fight, or whenever I needed a pick me up. He’d watch cheesy rom coms with me after we had a hard case. And in the mornings right when he was waking up, he’d always reach for me, pulling me closer into his arms.
Part of loving Dr. Spencer Reid was accepting what a strange individual he was He never wore matching socks, he was obsessed with Halloween, he was always ready to perform some sort of magic trick, and he was also the smartest person in almost any room he was in.
One night I was lying beside my boy in his bed when he asked me an odd question. “Do you want kids?”
I turned my head towards him, blinking up at his face. “Right this second or in general?”
He poked me in my side, scowling at me. “Both.”
I chuckled. “I don’t think I want them right this exact second. But yeah, I’d like to have kids, I think. I guess it would depend on who the father of said kids would be,” I teased.
My boy didn’t respond in the way I thought he would. He flopped onto his back; his eyes fixed on the ceiling.
“What is it, bug?” I moved closer to him. Propping my body up on my elbow, my head resting on my hand.
“Schizophrenia is genetic,” he said softly.
Ahh. I grabbed his hand in my own, bringing it up to my lips. “And you don’t want to pass the risk on?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure if that’s responsible.”
I brushed a kiss over his knuckles. “Mental illness isn’t a death sentence, Spencer. Your mother could not have schizophrenia and your child still end up with it anyway. Life is a fucked-up game of chance, Doc.” I leaned closer, pressing a kiss against his cheek. “Any rugrat would be lucky to have you for a dad. And if you don’t want to have a biological child, we can adopt.”
That caused my boy to smile. “We?”
I wrinkled my nose at him. “Brat.”
--
I realized something was coming a few days after our conversation. It might have been how squirrely Spencer was every time I was near him. It might have been the smiles Derek Morgan kept shooting at me.
But, truthfully, it was the squealing Penelope Garcia did when she saw me on Thursday morning that gave it away.
Like I’ve always said, just because you know something is coming doesn’t mean you’re ready for it.
I knew what was going to happen the next day when Spencer suggested we cook dinner together at his apartment.
Doesn’t mean I was ready for it.
“You know, I think I knew you loved me the first night we made dinner together,” he said, his eyes lifting from the stove to meet mine.
I smirked. “Was it the spilling my darkest secrets to you or the fucking you that gave it away, Doc?”
He bumped my hip with his own. “Are you sure I’m the brat?”
“Absolutely.” I smiled up at him. “The chicken is about to burn, my love.”
--
We were sitting at the kitchen table after dinner when I just couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Doc, you have got to relax,” I whined, letting out a big puff of air. “You’re gonna give yourself a stroke.”
“I’m relaxed!” He insisted despite his shoulders tensing even further. “And that’s not how strokes work.”
I shot him a withering look. Sure, Doc.
“Why wouldn’t I be relaxed?”
The look on my face didn’t change.
My boy heaved out a sigh. “You know, don’t you?”
I smiled, reaching out to tap the tip of his nose with the end of my finger. “I have a strong suspicion.”
“I could just be nervous to ask you to move in with me.”
I pretended to consider this, tapping my chin. “You could be. But, that’s very fixable.” I smiled at him, resting my chin in my palm. “Spence, I think we should move in together. We’re at each other’s apartments all the time anyway. Now, I prefer the coffee shop near my house, but I like your apartment better, it has more character.” I wrinkled my nose. “We will need a new headboard, though. Or different restraints.”
The love of my life just laughed softly. “Well,” he said softly. “I guess that clears that up.”
Had I ever really loved anything before this moment? Before I sat here at this table with this man? How had I ever thought I was in love with a person before I met this curly haired force of nature? My beautiful, nervous, darling boy.
“Just ask me, Doc.” My voice was a whisper, tears pricking in the corners of my eyes.
Spencer let out a shaky breath and gave me a very self-deprecating smile. “You’re not supposed to know I have something to ask.”
I just laughed. “Hurry up or I’ll say no.”
His shoulders relaxed at my joke and it hit me then that he was actually nervous because he thought that I might say no. It’s not even possible, baby. Not even for a second.
“Y/n,” he began, both of his hands gripping my left. “I had this whole long rambling speech planned out. I wanted to describe the moment I knew I loved you, and the moment I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” Tears were starting to escape my eyes and run down my cheeks. “I had statistics on the current divorce rates, and I had arguments about how we were the exception,” he laughed, glancing down at my hand in his own. “But none of that matters now,” he whispered.
Spencer moved out of the chair he sat in to drop to one knee in front of me. I knew it was coming, but I still felt my heart stutter at the sight.
“Y/n y/l/n, you’re the most amazing thing in the entire universe. I don’t need data to confirm that. You make me feel warm and safe…you make me feel happier than I ever knew was possible. I…sometimes I’ve felt like I was trapped in darkness, but you shine so bright I’m not afraid anymore. The only thing I’m afraid of is losing you.” He took a deep breath before reaching into his right pocket, pulling out a small black box. When he opened it, I saw an antique looking ring nestled inside. “It was my mom’s,” he said. “I hope that’s okay. But…y/n, will you marry me? Please?”
I felt something inside of my chest inflate. Like my heart was a balloon and his words had filled me with so much love that I was about to burst. I dropped out of my chair to join him on the floor, bringing my hands up to the sides of his face, my thumb brushing away a tear that was rolling down his cheek. I tried to open my mouth and respond. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, and how I wanted nothing more than to spend every moment of the rest of my life with him.
All I managed to get out was a choked sob while I frantically nodded my head.
Spencer’s smile only made me cry harder; and when he kissed me after he slid the ring on my finger, I couldn’t remember what it was like to feel broken anymore.