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Seonghwa… had never been a hyung before… 

He had never had people looking up to him. 

He had never been the target of warm hugs and playful smiles and childish nudges and even more childish pranks… 

But somehow… he blinked… and he wasn’t dreaming anymore. 

Somehow… somewhere… the darkness around him had grown less dense… less cold… less consuming… And something warm began to take root instead. 

But that warmth never got enough love and care to grow. Not until Seonghwa left the holding facility and entered into a life that somehow felt like it wasn’t his own… 

And yet was everything he didn’t know he wanted. 

And suddenly, warmth bloomed like a flower in fast-forward, rooting and sprouting and shooting up and blooming into something wild and red and vibrant- 

And it practically danced under the added warmth of Hongjoong’s smiles that never seemed to lessen in number. 

Seonghwa had come to the conclusion that he was not a monster. He was not alone. He was not solely to blame for the events of his life. 

The program had made things better. It had calmed Seonghwa, it had reassured him, and it had taught him how to feel angry and upset without losing himself to his past rage. 

Things were better. 

But it wasn’t until he was setting up a hesitantly permanent nest in Hongjoong’s apartment that he realized that his life could be good. 

Seonghwa kept waiting to wake up. 

But when Hongjoong would smile at him… when he would take Seonghwa’s hand absentmindedly while speaking to him… when he would gravitate towards Seonghwa when there were six other people in the room he could choose to be close to… 

He never wanted to, even if this was a dream. Which Hongjoong assured him every morning and night that it was not. 

Seonghwa knew it wasn’t a dream. 

Because he could probably dream waking up with Hongjoong in his arms, and he could maybe dream up the warmth in his chest and the vibrant excitement that Hongjoong wore like a badge of honor whenever Seonghwa was involved… 

But there was nothing inside of Seonghwa that in a million years could ever dream up a loud-mouthed, previously-enemy balancing skittles on his face when he had accidentally fallen asleep on the couch to Hongjoong humming while messing around on his laptop. 

Wooyoung would grin at Seonghwa (now, without any sort of hesitancy, though he never really had any hesitation to begin with) and whisper for him to just go back to sleep until he was finished, as he placed another purple one on Seonghwa’s cheek. 

Seonghwa, never in a million years, in his wildest dreams, would see Yunho offering him a controller when Seonghwa came back from a walk and they had set up Yunho’s consoles in Hongjoong’s living room because they had a free weekend. 

He could never imagine anything close to San asking about his time in the South- something the younger had missed, and eagerly asked Seonghwa about. 

(The first time he had asked, Hongjoong had slapped him and dragged him away, because they weren’t really sure about Seonghwa, yet. Hongjoong and he hadn’t tested what might upset him and what didn’t.) 

Seonghwa didn’t go into rages anymore… but that didn’t mean he didn’t fall into Moods. 

Those were more common in the beginning, when he kept waiting for Yeosang’s patiently blank stare to turn into a glare. For his hands offering a donut to turn into a slap aimed in revenge… 

Despite the letter that claimed forgiveness, Seonghwa half-waited for it to be retracted. 

Even if, on paper, Seonghwa was better… things were never perfect. Especially with people who weren’t Hongjoong. 

But over time... And with careful supervision from both Seonghwa and Hongjoong… things settled into place. 

Seonghwa no longer flinched when Yeosang sat down on the couch beside him. 

He no longer shied away when Mingi would stretch out on the couch, his feet coming too close to touching Seonghwa… 

His reactions were never for his own discomfort… he was waiting for the others to recoil at his presence. 

They didn’t. 

He waited for them to watch him from the corner of their eyes, to hesitate to turn their backs, to whisper behind their hands about him… 

They didn’t. 

He waited for his own dark Moods that came without warning and without end to drive them away… 

It didn’t. 

They simply looked at Hongjoong for direction on what to do. And most of the time, the solution was Hongjoong quietly guiding Seonghwa to their room- 

(He wasn’t entirely sure when it had become their room, even though Hongjoong’s things were in the spare room, and they only ever slept in it together, but it was still their room.) 

-and letting him sit on the bed with a quiet question of whether he wanted Hongjoong to stay or not. The answer was ‘yes’ half the time, and ‘no’ half the time. 

When it was no, Hongjoong would leave and resume talking with the others while Seonghwa gathered himself. Sometimes, he spent the rest of the evening away- never really calming himself enough to want to go back out there. 

And when it was yes, Hongjoong would sit beside him, waiting for Seonghwa’s first move. Sometimes, only his company was given… and others, Seonghwa would cling to him like a lifeboat- nothing being said, but a closer presence giving him something to latch onto to ground himself. 

With time, these lessened. But all of them knew they would likely never truly go away. 

And Seonghwa had learned that everything always had to get worse before it got better. 

The nightmares had gotten so much worse before they got better. His moods got worse before they lessened. The fear in his chest that he was going to wake up, back before Hongjoong had ever re-entered his life nearly swallowed him whole before he beat it back with Hongjoong’s steady breathing as he slept on in ignorance. 

Seonghwa would roll closer to him, a hand placed over his heart- feeling the beating there and imagining the little black mark that resided there… 

Seonghwa got so much worse before he got better. 

But, like he had been forced to realize within the facility, it did get better . 

The days when Wooyoung greeted him with a grin as he entered, and Seonghwa found the peace to smile quietly and greet him back. The days when San offered him a bite of whatever food they had grabbed on the way over, and Soenghwa found the courage to accept it (it was just food, but it was terrifying). 

The days when Mingi clapped him on the back (gently, and then, with time, more playfully), and he didn’t flinch. The days when Jongho asked him what he did that day, and he had enough presence of mind to answer coherently and… almost with enjoyment. 

The days when Yeosang would laugh at something on his phone, flashing it to Seonghwa who would smile or chuckle- even if he didn’t really understand the joke. The days when Yunho described the rec battles between them and Team AB6 with loud noises and screaming sound effects… and Seonghwa listening on with interest, rather than wincing at his volume. 

The days… when Hongjoong would watch the people he cared most for… interacting and accepting each other… being kind and understanding… The days he got to watch Seonghwa almost-smile with eyes that were lightening by interest instead of hiding anxietities he couldn’t express… 

The days when even Seonghwa could see that Hongjoong was about to burst with happiness… 

And the days when Seonghwa felt like he might, too. 

Wooyoung was the first one to hug Seonghwa, aside from Hongjoong. It happened when they said goodbye, and Wooyoung opened his arms to Seonghwa, a clear invitation. 

And it wasn’t like Seonghwa only wanted to hug Hongjoong, or only trusted Hongjoong to get that close, but Seonghwa had to stare in shock that Wooyoung wanted to hug Seonghwa. 

He had glanced around- as if someone would offer him insight on what to do. But no one did anything but smile and shrug. 

Seonghwa hugged him- something quick, but Wooyoung’s embrace was firm before he let go, smiling as he wished Seonghwa a good night. 

“I love watching you with the team,” Hongjoong admitted when Seonghwa was just on the cusp of sleeping. “I’m so… fucking happy, Seonghwa,” he whispered, fingers curling against Seonghwa’s chest. “I can’t even say it.” 

Seonghwa buried Hongjoong in his arms, and thought that he couldn’t, either. 

~~~~~~~~

Seonghwa became well acquainted with Hongjoong’s team that came and went from his apartment without care or courtesy call. 

With time, he gained enough familiarity to be comfortable around them. 

The people he wasn’t so familiar with, were the occasional (much less frequent) other visitors that Seonghwa did not know beyond anything more than Hongjoong telling him their place in his trial. 

Seonghwa had remained silent the entire time Sehyoon sat down for nothing more than a coffee and a chat with Hongjoong. 

It wasn't that he feared these people or felt threatened by them, but Seonghwa was still learning. Still changing. Still telling himself that he didn't have to trust someone like he trusted Hongjoong for him to feel unthreatened. 

Sehyoon brought Jun with him at times, and Jun was much louder than Sehyoon, which didn’t comfort Seonghwa very well, but Hongjoong was good at keeping Jun distracted so he didn’t make Seonghwa flinch with every loud word. 

“I’m glad that things worked out for you,” were the first words Sehyoon spoke directly to Seonghwa, for Seonghwa only. “You seem like a good guy.” 

A good guy. 

That was the first time Seonghwa had ever been told that, and Hongjoong had practically gushed that night- “See? Other people see it too! Sehyoon’s really good at reading characters, I told you they would like you-” 

Seonghwa got used to having them around, but he still liked it better when they were gone. 

(“Dude,” Yunho laughed. “That’s not the trauma, you’re just an introvert.”  

The doctors and nurses had called Seonghwa that, too. He felt like it was a good explanation. Or at least good enough.) 

The one person Seonghwa didn’t really feel that sort of immediate discomfort from… was Eden. 

He only came over to the apartment once. But it was without warning- surprising Hongjoong as much as it did Seonghwa, who had been sitting on the couch and reading. 

“Eden,” Hongjoong said, stepping aside and letting him in. “What are you doing here?”

“Just checking up,” he assured them, a polite smile aimed at Seonghwa, and then diverted to Hongjoong to continue speaking about what had been going on at the facility lately. 

It didn’t feel like a snub. It felt like Eden entering into Seonghwa’s space, acknowledging him, and then getting down to business that he could tell Seonghwa had no real connection to. 

Seonghwa listened, without having to worry about being drawn into the conversation, because it didn’t pertain to him. And that… was comfortable. 

Until it did pertain to him, Eden glancing his way. “And the last thing I wanted to talk about was Grey’s removal.” 

Seonghwa knew that man. The bitter, angry one that he had never seen but once- but who somehow made it seem like they were lifelong enemies. 

“They’re firing him?” Hongjoong asked, looking both shocked and overjoyed. 

“During your trial,” He said- now speaking to both Hongjoong and Seonghwa, “I was able to provide enough evidence to label him as a hostile force against both Hongjoong and you. And that took away a lot of his weight and credibility within the trial.” 

Seonghwa… was grateful to a lot of people. It occurred to him that he should thank them- ACE and TBZ and Eden- all those people who had no reason to help him, but did. 

(Seonghwa knew he would never find the words, though.) 

“After things settled down, I started trying to get him removed from the facility,” Eden informed them. “And it looks like all the work is going through- he’s gonna be gone by the end of the month.” 

Hongjoong breathed a sigh of relief, smiling brightly. “Does my team know?” 

Even if he wasn’t their leader, they were still his team. 

“I told them first,” Eden assured him. “Hopefully, with him gone, our heroes will be a lot less bitter about who comes to transport their villains.” 

Eden seemed like a man of few words, who came and performed business before leaving- minimal pleasantries and fluff to go with him. 

Or, at least, he was during that meeting. Maybe he could sense Seonghwa’s slight nerves- maybe he just had other things to attend to. 

Hongjoong thanked Eden- earnestly, beaming and giving him a tight hug that last only a moment before he pulled away. “This is going to make their lives so much easier,” He pressed. 

Eden grinned, patting Hongjoong’s head. “I’ve got a meeting. You two take care, alright?” 

He nodded to Hongjoong, glancing back at Seonghwa… 

Seonghwa knew that Eden had helped him beyond measure- defending him with a power Hongjoong couldn’t possess, but just as fiercely. 

Seonghwa likely was only here because of him. 

“Thank you.” 

It tumbled out of his mouth, a little clumsy, but Eden didn’t seem to mind as he grinned at Seonghwa, his hand twitched like he wanted to ruffle his hair, too. 

They were both a little glad he didn’t. 

“You’ve come a long way,” Eden told him firmly. “And you’ve got a good team at your back. Treat ‘em right, okay?” 

“He does,” Hongjoong said- not defensively, knowing Eden hadn’t meant it like that, but he said it firm- as if daring even Seonghwa to disagree. 

Eden chuckled. “I know- your team has all the stories in the world to tell about how well he treats them.” He grabbed the doorknob to leave, throwing a small smirk over his shoulder. “And you.” 

Hongjoong flushed, snapping for Eden to get out of here- turning to Seonghwa and muttering something about how he should never listen to Eden, ever. 

But Seonghwa was still caught on the fact that he had thanked Eden and meant it. 

Maybe… Maybe the words were easier to find than he thought. 

~~~~~~~~

Surprisingly- or not so surprisingly- Seonghwa’s favorite time was during the night. 

When the sun had gone down, and there were no more things to occupy them, and Hongjoong would tap away until he got too tired and asked if Seonghwa was ready to go to bed.

Seonghwa loved when they went to bed. 

Things were calmer. Peaceful. Relaxed and without pressure as they climbed into the bed in the master bedroom- not even settling against the sheets before Hongjoong would be rolling closer to Seonghwa, tucking himself in beside him. 

 Seonghwa would never be able to describe the fireworks in his chest every time Hongjoong laid against him- burrowing himself into Seonghwa’s side until it seemed like he just wanted Seonghwa to lay over him completely. 

Hongjoong wasn’t tiny, but he always seemed able to compact himself into something small enough to fit within Seonghwa’s arms so easily. 

Seonghwa loved having Hongjoong in his arms. 

He loved that he was able to hold Hongjong now- to embrace him without needing to use him as the sole thing keeping Seonghwa’s sanity grounded. 

He could hold Hongjoong- for no other reason than to feel him breathe- and Hongjoong sought out that contact even more than Seonghwa could bring himself to. 

It did dangerous things to Seonghwa’s heart and wonderful things to his chest when Hongjooong yawned against his chest, fingers curled in Seonghwa’s shirt and eyes already closed, even if he wasn’t sleeping yet. 

It was so easy to be with Hongjoong like this. Peaceful, and without the almost-pressure that came with daytime and needing to be coherent and aware. 

In the night, Seonghwa could block out everything but Hongjoong against him, who didn’t complain when Seonghwa pulled him closer gently, tucking Hongjoong beneath his chin and burying his nose in his hair that smelled of shampoo and perfume. 

It was during the night when things were darknest. 

But it was when things were darkest that Seonghwa felt Hongjoong the brightest. 

~~~~~~~~

Whether it was because of his real personality underneath the years of torment and trauma, or if it was just a result of the darkness that he had lived so long with… Seonghwa just wasn't a very loud or expressive person. 

(Seonghwa’s powers had fed off of his negative emotions. With the vast majority of those quelled… his powers was weaker. And Seonghwa had used his powers, within the holding facility, and knew that he could use them without hurting, without vengeance fueling them. 

However, out here… he didn’t want to use them. He allowed himself the occasional grabbing of a soda can with dark tendrils when Hongjoong was asleep across his lap, and Seonghwa would rather die than wake him. 

He never did much beyond that. Not out of fear… but why did he need to use them, when he could just… not use them?) 

Seonghwa just couldn’t bring himself to show the vibrant emotions the others wore. 

He felt so many things in his chest, warming his stomach and bursting in his blood… but it came out as a quiet half-smile and warm eyes. A quiet chuckle and a little nod. 

The others were surprisingly, shockingly understanding of this. 

“Yeosang didn’t smile for the first, like, three years we knew him,” Hongjoong told Seonghwa as they all ate pizza together. “It wasn’t until well after Wooyoung joined that he did anything more than stare at us… judging us…” 

Yeosang swatted his foot. “Maybe if you didn’t have so many things worth judging,” He muttered around a mouthful of pizza. 

“I cracked open his shell like a clam dinner,” Wooyoung declared proudly. 

“The shell was always open around you,” Yeosang huffed. “You didn’t crack shit- I just got used to being around everyone.” 

And Seonghwa… filed that away. 

San once tripped and fell entirely in Seonghwa’s lap. Rather than shrieking in fear or embarrassment and removing himself, he simply stared at Seonghwa with wide eyes. 

“Holy shit, you’re comfortable, ” he gasped. 

Seonghwa flushed from his neck to his ears as San got up, yelling for Hongjoong. “Hyung! Your boyfriend is comfortable as shit!”

And then there was that word…  

Seonghwa didn’t hate that word… boyfriend. It was just something that made him feel a lot of things that to this day, he never understood. Maybe they were a little nice, though… 

“Isn’t he?” Hongjoong called back from the kitchen. “You never get to yell at me for falling asleep so quickly ever again.” 

“He looks like he’s all skin and bone and muscle!” San fought, staring back at Seonghwa, as if he were hiding something soft and plushy. 

“He’s warm,” Hongjoong called. “He’s like a heating pad.” 

And Seonghwa was already a little too weak in his heart when Hongjoong and he would watch movies (Seonghwa was never really into them, but they were an excuse to spend time with Hongjoong without effort but also without boring Hongjoong). 

And every single time, Hongjoong would fall asleep against Seonghwa’s side. Sometimes, in his lap, if Hongjoong felt the sleep approaching. 

Hongjoong would lay on the couch in the afternoons, his feet in Seonghwa’s lap, and just that much seemed enough to put him straight to sleep, regardless of what he was doing. 

And Seonghwa knew, long before he was coherent and sane enough to warrant it, that Hongjoong had trusted him enough to sleep around him, to lower his guard… 

It still made something in his chest constrict like a vice. 

Hongjoong’s comfort level with Seonghwa was leagues above anyone else’s, and that was astonishing, considering how high the others’ comfort levels got. 

Seonghwa… didn’t find it burdensome. 

They knew when Seonghwa wasn't in the mood to play or be touched, and they knew when it was okay to throw stuffed animals at him with the declaration that they got it at some fair. 

Seonghwa was comfortable around them, with time. 

He let San practically sit on his feet as he leaned against Seonghwa’s legs from the ground, when Seonghwa sat on the sofa. 

When Wooyoung whispered for him to go back to sleep so he could finish painting Seonghwa’s pinky nails, Seonghwa just closed his eyes again. 

And when Hongjoong would whisper throughout the day how proud he was of Seonghwa, how amazing Seonghwa was, how brave he was… 

Seonghwa suppressed the parts of him that wanted to spill out everything he thought back at Hongjoong. 

How Seonghwa never would have gotten anywhere without him. How Seonghwa never thought- even in the throes of recovery- that he could ever find a time when he would be anything more than basically-content and not-insane. 

When Seonghwa changed his shirt, he had been used to seeing the physical manifestation of his power’s control over him- written across his skin like tattoos, and staining the paleness of his skin black in a spider web of darkness… 

He didn’t see that anymore. 

He stared across his torso where he had grown used to seeing only criss crossing stains of evil… and he just saw pale skin. 

Most of the time, the only evidence of the darkness that once covered his body was the little diamond across his eye that had shown up shortly after he had given the same mark to Hongjoong. 

The veins of blackness would wax and wane with his moods- rising back up on darker days, but retreating under the sunlight of Hongjoong’s warm smile, assuring him that he didn’t have to go meet the others, if he didn’t feel up to it. 

Seonghwa wanted to tell Hongjoong how he had given even that part of himself back to Seonghwa. 

How he had cleared away the parts of Seonghwa he thought would always be a stain on his life. 

How much absolute freedom Hongjoong had given him… kept giving him… 

How, when Seonghwa saw Hongjoong’s face- sleeping, smiling, awake, warm- it made him want to do things he had no idea how to do. Nor how to begin executing… 

But they only grew more insistent when Yeosang would win a round in a video game and Wooyoung would tug him over, pecking him mouth while also simultaneously mocking Yunho for losing. 

When Yeosang sat on the ground for movie night, and didn’t think twice before grabbing Wooyoung’s arm and tugging him down into his lap- placing subtle kisses behind his ear throughout the movie. 

Seonghwa knew that he felt things for Hongjoong… and he knew that he had really, always felt those things. The very first real emotion Seonghwa felt towards Hongjoong was the same one that made his chest feel ready to explode right now 

And the first time Seonghwa glanced over while Hongjoong was reading something on his laptop- lips pushed out in a quiet frown of concentration… and Seonghwa idly wondered what it might be like to try and kiss Hongjoong… 

It felt wrong. Like he was trying to take something from him. 

Seonghwa spent the next three days in a sour mood that made him feel dirty. Hongjoong said nothing about it, simply smiling as he held Seonghwa’s hand lightly, playing with his fingers. 

Everything with Hongjoong was so new and foreign to Seonghwa, but… but when Seonghwa saw how Wooyoung smirked after Yeosang pecked him, or how Yeosang let his hand linger on Wooyoung’s back after a quick kiss on the cheek… 

It made him wonder. 

Seonghwa was shit with words- he always had been, from the moment he thought to try and speak as if someone cared what he had to say. 

He could get some things out, but every compliment and deepest, sincerest part of his heart that he let show… was a battle that took everything out of Seonghwa. He couldn’t sing praises like Hongjoong could. He couldn’t bring himself to look Hongjoong in the eyes when he wanted to tell him he had saved literally everything Seonghwa was. 

It was too much. Too overwhelming. And too likely that Seonghwa would do something wrong. 

Seonghwa had been out of the facility for nearly an entire year… 

(He didn’t reflect on time. Each day was its own battle, and he didn’t have the courage to think about how many he had gone through.) 

Hongjoong excused himself to the bathroom. Wooyoung and Yeosang were the only two who had decided to come over… 

And Seonghwa cleared his throat as the question burned at the back of it, like bile. 

He meant to just clear it, but both other people in the room looked back at him, thinking him trying to gain their attention. 

And as much as Seonghwa wanted to tell them he was just clearing his throat, the opportunity burned itself into his skin. 

He stared at them, and Wooyoung and Yeosang’s curious stares turned into concerned frowns. “Are you okay?” Wooyoung asked, voice dropping with genuine worry that Seonghwa still wasn’t really used to hearing outside of Hongjoong. 

“Do you want me to get Hongjoong?” Yeosang offered quietly. 

Seonghwa shook his head quickly. “No,” he burst firmly, glancing at the hallway to ensure he was still gone. 

It felt like sneaking. Like going behind his back. 

“No,” he repeated, calmer. “No, I just… I had...I-I mean, I wanted-” 

They didn’t urge him on. Simply tilted their heads curiously, silently and patiently waiting on him. 

Seonghwa glanced back at the hallway. “How… How do you… When is it- When do you… know it’s okay… to kiss someone?” 

Seonghwa was shocked by the lack of burning in his face… until he glanced back at the two boys on the ground, and both of them practically glowed with unbridled jow, Wooyoung rising up onto his knees. 

“You’re serious?” he demanded quietly, making Seonghwa feel the prickle of heat on his cheeks. 

He almost took it back. 

But Hongjoong might be back soon… Maybe Seonghwa needed to be brave for just a moment. 

“Yes,” he said quietly. 

“For Hongjoong?” Yeosang asked, a stupid clarification that made Seonghwa’s mouth twist at the thought that it might be for someone else. “You want to kiss him?” 

And now, Seonghwa knew his face was on fire- something dark almost threatening to overtake to try and shove away the embarrassment, but he shoved it back harder. “Yes…” 

“Okay, this is happening,” Wooyoung said in a whisper, rubbing his hands together with eyes that sparkled brighter than any prank had ever made them. “We’ve got this all planned out-” 

“ He has it all planned out- I had nothing to do with this,” Yeosang clarified, getting to his feet. “I’ll go keep Hongjoong busy.” 

Seonghwa stared in a panic because while he had nothing against Wooyoung, he was hoping for someone a bit more level headed for such a tense issue. “Why are you leaving?” he demanded, stomach dropping. 

Yeosang gave him an amused, pitying look. “Because I’m useless to you,” He assured Seonghwa. “I was like you- awkward, terrified, and convinced that no one would ever actually want anything I had to offer.” 

Seonghwa wanted to flinch at the truth and stare at the insight at the same time. 

Yeosang smiled lopsidedly. “If you want to know about gathering courage, you’re looking at the biggest coward on this team. Wooyoung’s the one with the balls to say what needs to be said. If you want courage, he’s the one who’ll give it to you. He’s good at that.” 

Yeosang disappeared down the hall to distract Hongjoong while Wooyoung would guide Seonghwa through how the hell to go about advancing a relationship he was already almost drowning in. 

“The first night Hongjoong was really gone… when he officially handed the title of leader to Yeosang,” Wooyoung said as he stood, sitting beside Seonghwa on the couch, “He cried himself to sleep with me because of how terrified he was to mess something up and get someone hurt.” 

Seongwha frowned, not sure what that had to do with kissing. “Why… are you telling me that?” Aside from that, it seemed like a rather personal thing to reveal. 

“Because Yeosang thinks he’s a coward,” Wooyoung said quietly, expression severe. “But he’s not. Being brave doesn’t mean not being afraid… it means taking a leap, even if it might fail.” 

Seonghwa still didn’t know what that meant to do with kissing… but it did give him a new perspective on Yeosang. 

“You’re lucky, Seonghwa,” Wooyoung said quietly, eyes shining with glee. “Like, really lucky. You’ve got a guarantee that most of us would kill for.” 

Seonghwa frowned. “A guarantee of what?”

“That Hongjoong reciprocates your feelings,” Wooyoung said, chuckling. “All the hard work is officially done. All you have to do is figure out when you want to ask him.” 

“Ask him what? ” Seonghwa demanded, because he hadn’t intended on there being a real conversation where he might need to say something. 

Wooyoung snickered. “Well, usually, I might be all for the grabbing him by the waist and kissing him in the rain route, but…” He shrugged. “Given your… hesitancies,” he said carefully, “And Hongjoong’s utter fear of potentially doing something you don’t want or pressuring you into something, it might be best to at least ask if you can kiss him, first.” 

Oh. Okay, that wasn’t too hard. Just like… four words. Seonghwa could do four, prewritten words. 

“This is a pretty loose plan,” Wooyoung assured him. “There’s not really formula to this, but really… All you have to do is pick when you would want it to happen, ask Hongjoong if you can kiss him, Hongjoong will obviously say yes, and then you plant one on him.” 

Wooyoung threw his hands in the air, as if that was that. 

Seonghwa was now suddenly aware of the more glaring issue, than what he should ask Hongjoong. 

“I’ve never kissed anybody,” he hissed, stomach curling around a block of ice that dropped into it. 

“Neither has Hongjoong.” 

“That doesn’t help me,” Seonghwa pressed, fingers curling into fists. “What the hell do I do?” 

Wooyoung’s expression curled a bit in disgust. “Listen, I’m all for advice, and I like you a  lot, but I’m not showing you how to kiss.” 

Seonghwa was courageous enough to slap Wooyoung’s thigh harshly, glaring as he yelped. “ I’m serious. ” 

Wooyoung pouted as he rubbed his smarting thigh. “ Listen ,” he huffed. “No matter what the movies and books tell you, no one’s first kiss is going to be magical. But it’s not about skill and shit, it’s about showing what you feel without having to find the words.” 

Seonghwa’s face must have still been distressed because Wooyoung sighed, losing some sarcasm. 

“Look,” He sighed. “Don’t stress out about it. You could accidentally bite Hongjoong’s tongue, and he’d still probably swoon.” 

“That can happen?” Seonghwa demanded, stomach twisting into knots. 

“The point is,” Wooyoung hissed. “That if Hongjoong agrees to kissing you, it’s not because he’s expecting some magical tongue action-” 

(Seonghwa recoiled slightly at the vulgar image.)

“-It’s because he’s been head over heels for you for fucking years now, and he’s so hopelessly lost in you, he makes Yeosang and I look like an old married couple.” 

Seonghwa really only caught “head over heels” and “hopelessly lost in you.” 

And his heart clenched with that same emotion he had been calling Love. 

“Would you be weirded out if Hongjoong couldn’t kiss properly?” Wooyoung asked. 

“No,” Seonghwa said without even really hearing the question, but he heard ‘weirded out’ beside Hongjoong’s name, and that wasn’t possible. 

“Then you have nothing to need courage for,” Wooyoung said, shrugging as he stood. “It’s simple- just go with your gut, okay? You’ll figure it out a lot faster than you think.” 

Seongwha was left with a lot more information, but so much less confidence as Wooyoung went to signal to Yeosang they were done. 

(When he and Hongjoong fell asleep beside each other- Hongjoong wiggling his way into Seonghwa’s arms, sighing in contentment as he melted into his chest- Seonghwa couldn’t sleep for a long time. 

He didn’t know when the right time was. He didn’t know if he should try and do something along with the question… Should he just go for it? Should it be special?)  

Seonghwa had so many questions and no answers. 

But it didn’t create the same black hole it once did. 

It just made him tug Hongjoong a little closer and let the proximity soothe the storm that had begun to build. 

~~~~~~~

Seonghwa was out of the apartment for once- all of them gathered at a food truck with little tables set up- passing around three different boats of junk food. 

They got looks as Normals passed them by- eyes drifting over Hongjoong’s exposed arms, the single little horn peeking through Mingi’s hair, and the dark mark over Seonghwa’s eye. 

At one time in his life… maybe sooner than Seonghwa would want to admit, he had felt a rage like no other consume him anytime he saw a Normal staring at them. It’s why he stayed in the apartment most of the time. 

Wooyoung had offered to cover the mark over his eye with makeup, since it didn’t seem like it was ever going to go away. 

Seonghwa refused. He wouldn’t hide himself anymore. He wouldn’t be ashamed of what he was- even if he regretted what he had done. 

That didn't stop him from wanting to recoil from some of the lingering looks that dragged across him like sandpaper. 

Seonghwa… never lost that rage inside of him. The bitter, angry, hurting part of himself that still looked at everything their prejudice and hatred had done to him. 

But, after the facility and after Hongjoong continuing to calm the storm inside of him, Seonghwa found himself merely staring at them in distaste- that dark feeling inside of him, but nowhere near as strong as he had once felt. 

And he realized… this is what he truly felt. 

Not the explosive rage that had sent him into darkness covered hazes. Not the murderous hatred that had burned worse than any fire or ice could hope. 

That had been the other part of him. The shadows inside of him that took every horrible emotion and turned it unbearable, until Seonghwa lost of sense of where he ended and his darkness began. 

He didn’t have that now. 

He had Hongjoong’s hand linked in his own, and San holding out a fry on a fork with an obnoxious “Say ahhhh~” as he fed Seonghwa like a child. 

He had Yunho offering him a sip of his watermelon juice and Jongho passing him a napkin. 

And this… was infinitely better. 

They parted ways- everyone saying heartfelt goodbyes to Seonghwa and Hongjoong, explaining how they would stop by that weekend, if they had time. 

Hongjoong and Seonghwa returned to the apartment in quiet company, their fingers remaining linked as they walked- the only words passed between them, Hongjoong pointing out a flower growing through the cracks of a sidewalk. 

They sat on the couch when they got home- 

(Home. Seonghwa had never had a home before.) 

-both of them full and content from good conversation and an outing without incident. 

Hongjoong smiled warmly- the kind that made Soenghwa’s heart flip- as he played with Seonghwa’s fingers absently. 

“I really am so fucking proud of you,” he murmured fondly. “You’ve gotten so much better about being out… I was worried all the stares might ruin your time out… But you’ve gotten so good at letting it go.” 

He smiled at Seonghwa full in the face, and he wanted to warn Hongjoong to be careful where he pointed that. 

Hongjoong squeezed his hands in a way that said a million things that Hongjoong had already articulated. Seonghwa heard them all through his skin that tingled beneath his touch. 

They sat in silence, and Seonghwa laid gentle hands against Hongjoong’s forearm. 

Hongjoong never chose an outfit that either hid or showed off the scars along his arms that looked like polar opposites of Seonghwa’s marks- pale lightning, compared to dark spider webs. 

But Seonghwa never really noticed them when they were visible, and never thought about them when they were hidden. They just… weren’t really a part of Hongjoong, very much. 

They were a part of him, but not a part that was large enough to really matter. 

“Do they hurt?” Seonghwa asked, a sudden confidence to speak in quiet whispers as he traced a careful finger along the pale lines across his skin. 

“Nah,” Hongjoong replied easily. “They didn’t even hurt when I first got them- the electricity hit my body wrong, but it still got absorbed. It didn’t hurt, just scarred.” 

Seonghwa stared at them… and wondered at the fact that Hongjoong could show something like this to people so easily. So unbothered by it… 

It was just another thing in the list that Seonghwa could never bring himself to say. 

Seonghwa’s finger paused over the last stretch of scar that stopped at Hongjoong’s wrist, resting there for a moment before looking up at him. 

They were closer than Seonghwa thought- barely a few inches between their faces, and Hongjoong’s smile was warm and wry as he gazed at Seonghwa gently. “Not all of our scars are visible,” he said quietly. “And yours hurt a lot more than mine.” 

Did Hongjoong not realize how many of Seonghwa’s scars he had erased? 

“Can I kiss you?” 

Just once Seonghwa would like to say what he meant when he actually meant to say it. Because this moment was not when Seonghwa was planning on dropping such a precarious question. 

It was a quiet whisper, and Seonghwa ignorantly hoped that Hongjoong might not have caught it. But Hongjong listened to Seonghwa so carefully and so intently that he heard everything. 

And Seonghwa watched Hongjoong’s expression fall in complete shock as his lips parted, something in his face going pale as he stared at Seonghwa like he had just demanded something unimaginable. 

You have nothing to need courage for. 

A guarantee, Wooyoung had said. 

Seonghwa suddenly felt like he had been lied to. 

His hands quickly released Hongjoong- going to withdraw and hold close to Seonghwa’s body as something cold rushing through his veins- 

Hongjoong’s hands caught Seonghwa’s quickly, holding them tightly in fingers that trembled. 

Seonghwa looked up quickly, into Hongjoong’s eyes that, for once, were not warm and fond, but wide and scared. 

“Do you want to?” Hongjoong croaked, as if waiting for Seonghwa to take it back. “I mean- Outside of me, outside of everything but your own feelings, Seonghwa… do you want that?” 

He stared as if Seonghwa might not truly understand what he was asking. 

And maybe Seonghwa didn’t. But he was fairly sure he did. 

And it hit Seonghwa with the force of a physical blow that the fear in Hongjoong’s eyes was not for Seonghwa’s insecurities. 

They were for Hongjoong’s. 

I was like you- awkward, terrified, and convinced that no one would ever actually want anything I had to offer.  

Hongjoong didn’t want to make sure Seonghwa wanted to kiss. He wanted to make sure Seonghwa wanted to kiss him. 

As if there could ever be anyone else who understood Seonghwa like he did. Who believed in him like Hongjoong did. Who supported and relied on and loved him- 

Seonghwa’s expression dropped into tight regret. 

“You have no idea what you mean to me,” he whispered heavily. “Do you?” 

Hongjoong’s eyes widened- as if he had just realized. 

Because Hongjoong didn’t seem to understand. Didn’t seem to grasp the fact that there was no one else on his stupid earth who came close to anything Hongjoong was to Seonghwa. 

Hongjoong, who thought he was ordinary. Who placed every accomplishment solely on Seonghwa’s shoulders. Who looked at Seonghwa every day and saw someone worth marveling at- 

And it wasn’t that Seonghwa discounted his own accomplishments- he had gone through hell and back. 

But Hongjoong had gone with him. 

And Seonghwa knew that Wooyoung had said it was better to ask, but his hand moved of its own accord, sliding against Hongjoong’s cheek until it rested in the palm of his hand. 

And Hongjoong still stared like he didn’t know what Seonghwa wanted. 

As if he was waiting for the punchline. For the footnote. For the condition… 

And Seonghwa… Seonghwa couldn’t stand it. 

Couldn’t stand the look in Hongjoong’s eyes, as if he didn’t know why Seonghwa would want that. As if he was questioning whether Seonghwa really wanted him. 

As if, somehow, Seonghwa was going to be lowering himself by kissing him. 

And maybe it was Seonghwa’s fault. Maybe he should have been more vocal. More expressive. Maybe he should have held Hongjoong more or whispered more painful truths during the night. 

Maybe he should have asked Hongjoong sooner, instead of waiting over a year to gain the courage to advance a relationship that felt like trying to direct a hurricane. 

Maybe it was Seonghwa’s fault that Hongjoong doubted his place in Seonghwa’s life. 

But Seonghwa couldn’t stand the nervousness in his eyes. 

Like Seonghwa was going to regret it. Like he wasn’t serious. 

“You,” Seonghwa whispered, drawing Hongjoong’s face closer- cutting himself on the fear in his eyes. 

His voice didn’t come out choked. His words didn’t stutter. 

It was like his body knew that this was important. That this could not afford to be messed up. 

Because Hongjoong… Hongjoong was doubting himself. 

“You… are everything to me,” Seonghwa breathed, Hongjoong eyes so close to his, he could see his own earnest, fearful expression in his eyes. 

Hongjoong’s eyes shimmered. 

Like he hadn’t already known that. And Seonghwa blamed himself. 

“You… are everything to me. And you have given me… everything. Everything I once lost, you gave back to me,” he whispered, throat burning and closing shut with emotions he had felt too strongly. 

“No,” Hongjoong said, a hand coming and resting over Seonghwa’s that cupped his cheek. His eyes were pleading. “No, Seonghwa, you gained those back yourself.”  

“I was never strong enough to help myself,” Seonghwa murmured thickly. “You gave me courage to change, Hongjoong. I never could have helped myself- you gave me courage to let others in, to get the help I couldn’t give myself-” 

His other hand caught the other side of Hongjoong’s face, his soft cheeks between his palms. 

Hongjoong… searched Seonghwa’s face, as if he might find something to misalign with his words. 

“Do you not understand the darkness I was in?” Seonghwa breathed, his chest aching at the thought of a time he thought would be his reality until he died. “How lost in my own bitterness and hatred I was?” 

Hongjoong’s expression pinched, the hand over Seonghwa’s curling tighter. 

Seonghwa’s eyes traced over his helpless expression- one that he had seen twisted in fear and shining with warmth… 

“Do you not understand how much you were sunlight to me, in those times?” 

The fear in his expression broke- cracking like pottery as something shocked took over his expression, Hongjoong’s lips parting as his eyes widened- 

“Do you not realize that you were the only warmth I had felt in years? ” Seonghwa breathed, expression pinching. “From the beginning, you were so warm, I thought I was going to burn-” 

His eyes began to shine. 

“Do you not understand, Hongjoong… that I was only able to help myself… because of how much you sacrificed for me? How much you risked and gave up and cared for me?” 

Hongjoong’s lips shook as if he were trying to make them form words, but couldn’t manage it. 

“I spent my entire life welcoming the darkness I lived in- do you think I ever would have been selfless enough to change myself, Hongjoong? Do you not understand how much I hate myself for everything I did to you, to the people you cared for-” 

“That’s the past,” Hongjoong said quickly, thought his voice was nothing more than a weak whisper. “Those mistakes aren't held against you, Seonghwa-” 

“They’re in the past,” Seonghwa breathed, “but they’re actions that shaped my future into something that could have this-” He briefly took a hand away to gesture around their small living room. 

He placed it back against Hongjoong’s cheek quickly, caressing it gently. 

“Into something that could have you,” he breathed. 

“Seonghwa-” Hongjoong almost seemed to plead, but he didn’t know what he was begging for. 

“I want this,” Seonghwa whispered into the space between them, his eyes unable to remove themselves from Hongjoong’s. 

His thumbs brushed over Hongjoong’s cheek. It was an… intimate action that Seonghwa had never performed before. 

“And I have wanted it for as long as I was coherent enough to realize what I had become, thanks to you,” Seonghwa whispered. “So if you’re hesitating on my behalf… understand that this is the one thing in my trainwreck of a life that I know that I want.” 

Hongjoong swallowed, lips closing tightly. Hesitating. 

“I won’t take anything from you,” Seonghwa assured him, the thought of it making his stomach twist. “But I haven’t… told you everything that I feel. I’ve left you to stumble around, worried about making a wrong step, when I should have told you that it was clear of traps.” 

Seonghwa should have said more. He should have swallowed the fear and just talked to Hongjoong. 

“So, I’m telling you this, Hongjoong. And you can do with it what you like… but whenever you have an answer… I’ll be waiting for it.” 

This was not what Wooyoung promised him. 

But if Seonghwa had waited nearly a year for a response to his feelings… and waited another almost two to confess a desire for more… he could wait another lifetime for this answer, too. 

After a moment, Seonghwa went to remove his hands- having said what he wanted, and no longer wanting to hold Hongjoong in place, if he needed to separate himself- 

Hongjoong’s hands jumped up and caught Seonghwa’s wrists, holding them in place, and Seonghwa’s heart jumped with them. 

“I’m sorry,” Hongjoong said quickly, staring at Seonghwa wide eyed. “I’m sorry, if I made you think I didn’t want it too-” 

“You didn’t-” 

“Have I ever told you how amazing you are?” Hongjoong asked breathlessly. “Like… how unreal and unbelievably amazing you are?”

Seonghwa nodded, his brain beginning to sound a bit like static. 

“Listen, as sad as it sounds, I just want to make sure you picked the right person,” Hongjoong said, words almost tripping over themselves in his haste. “I- Even after all this time, it still feels like I might be- I don’t fucking know, taking advantage or leading you places you don’t want to go-” 

“If it’s with you, I’d want to go anywhere.” 

Seonghwa was at least grateful that his tongue seemed to have untied itself enough to make Hongjoong flush under his palms. 

“I’m not doubting what you know you want,” Hongjoong said firmly. “I just want to make extra sure-” 

“Check as many times as you need to,” Seonghwa said honestly. “I told you, I’ll wait for your answer-” 

“I’m tired of making you wait,” Hongjoong confessed, shifting forward until their knees pressed together. “I’m tired of scaring myself into questioning things I also know I want- just because I’m scared to hurt one of us.” 

Seonghwa had already hurt Hongjoong so much more horribly than Hongjoong could ever dream to hurt Seonghwa, but that wasn’t the point, at the moment. 

“So, I’m sorry,” Hongjoong said quietly, eyes apologetic. “Can you ask me again? So I can actually give you a proper answer?” 

Seonghwa’s brain seemed to have derailed itself somewhere between “again” and “so” but he only stared dumbly for a few seconds before a surge of electricity that had nothing to do with Hongjoong leapt up his spine. 

Maybe Hongjoong’s expression was a little stricken, a little scared. But his eyes were warm and fond and hopeful and made Seonghwa’s heart constrict into its own personal black hole. 

“Hongjoong… Can I kiss you?” he whispered hoarsely. 

He didn’t expect for the shine in Hongjoong’s eyes to actually streak down his cheek, but the fear faded as he smiled wetly, shifting forward. 

“Whenever the hell you want,” he breathed before their lips connected. 

And Seonghwa knew he was going to have to have a serious talk with Wooyoung. 

Because aside from the fact that “magical” may not be the proper word, Seonghwa felt another strike of lightning down his spine (that he was pretty sure was not from Hongjoong). 

Also, Wooyoung did not warn him that Hongjoong’s lips would be warm and soft, and he also didn’t warn Seonghwa that he would suddenly lose all control over the functions of his body as he gasped into Hongjoong’s mouth, right before a rush of breath left him as Seonghwa pressed against him- 

Seonghwa had held Hongjoong while they slept almost every night since he had been released. 

He had never held Hongjoong like this. Had never had Hongjoong holding him like this. 

Hongjoong pressed against him like a magnet was drawing him in, almost desperate- rising onto his knees slightly, Seonghwa helpless to do anything but make sure they stayed touching through it. 

Suddenly, Hongjoong was slightly above Seonghwa, hands bracing against his chest, the angle of the kiss changing- 

And even if Seonghwa didn’t know what he was doing or what would happen, his head spun as warmth flooded his blood, his hands dropping from Hongjoong’s cheeks to hold his hips (because it felt right). 

The sensory overload that surged through Seonghwa was like nothing he had ever felt before, and only after seconds of experiencing it, Seonghwa knew he already addicted to the feeling of it. 

Hongjoong’s fingers curled in the hairs at the base of Seonghwa’s neck, sending a shiver down Seonghwa’s spine, making him squeeze Hongjoong’s hips gently- 

Despite how restless their hands seemed, their lips moved slowly- gentle as they dragged against each other in slow, testing movements. Each movement accompanied with a short pause, a waiting period, a hesitation- 

Kissing Hongjoong was like nothing Seonghwa had ever imagined (mostly because he hadn’t really imagined it), but he never prepared himself for the way his fingers tingled where they held Hongjoong, how his skin burned beneath Hongjoong’s touch- 

Seonghwa was used to being overwhelmed by Hongjoong- his look, his embraces, his eyes- 

He had never been overwhelmed like this. 

Seonghwa had forgotten about maybe needing to breathe, but Hongjoong didn’t- their lips breaking apart as Hongjoong leaned his forehead against Seonghwa’s- their heavy breaths mingling on each other’s lips. 

Hongjoong’s eyes… the warmth there, the happiness there, the brightness there… it was a million times more powerful than anything Seonghwa had seen from him before. 

Instinctively, he let his hand tangle in the back of Hongjoong’s hair, kissing him again- chasing that sensation from before- his eyes slipping closed as Hongjoong made a gentle, quiet noise in the back of his throat, sending another arc of electricity through Seonghwa. 

He tugged on Hongjoong, wanting him closer- 

You never really realized how starved for touch you were… until you really touched someone and were touched by them. 

At his gentle tug, Hongjoong moved forward- 

Seonghwa sucked in a sharp breath as Hongjoong’s legs straddled him on the couch, Seonghwa pressed into the back of the couch and Hongjoong in his lap. 

He breathed unevenly, his cheeks pink and his lips brighter than usual as he stared down at Seonghwa. “Is this okay?” he asked, swallowing to control his breathing.

Seonghwa’s heart was stopped in his chest, but he nodded. 

This was already way more than Seonghwa had ever seen Wooyoung and Yeosang do, but every part of him still knew what he wanted. 

On the third kiss, it was deeper, stealing Seonghwa’s breath once more, and he could feel every shift and movement from Hongjoong on his lap, under his hands- 

“Do you understand me now?” Seonghwa breathed against Hongjoong’s lips, and he imagined that this is what it felt like to be drunk- everything warm and hazy and almost giddy. 

Hongjoong’s forehead pressed to his, eyes only inches from each other. “I understand that I love you more than I ever thought fucking possible,” he managed weakly. “And I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I think you might just return those feelings.” 

“Then you’re starting to get it,” Seonghwa breathed. 

Seonghwa kissed the part of Hongjoong’s neck that was easy to reach, and Hongjoong sucked in a sharp breath- 

An arc of lightning leapt from his skin, striking the couch- 

Seonghwa was disappointed when Hongjoong cursed, almost crawling out of Seonghwa’s lap to pat out the smouldering cushion once more- 

Seonghwa stared at Hongjoong’s face- the one that held expressions that Seonghwa would never tire seeing aimed at him- 

When Hongjoong straightened, cheeks flushed and lips swollen, he huffed quietly. “We might need to invest in some lightning proof stuff, I can’t keep setting shit on fire,” he sighed. 

Seonghwa hummed, hands finding their way onto Hongjoong’s hips again. 

And despite the rush it had given him, Seonghwa found no urge inside of himself to return immediately to their previous activities. He stared at Hongjoong- observing the curve of his nose and the line of his cheeks and jaw- 

Love had bloomed so fervently in Seonghwa’s life, he didn’t even remember what it felt like to look at Hongjoong and not feel it. 

“You gave me everything I couldn’t give myself,” Seonghwa whispered, earning Hongjoong’s pleasantly surprised expression. “And you saw in me, things I never thought would ever be true… and I have never been happier in my life to be wrong.” 

Everything seemed like the dream. And the only part more terrifying than that, was the fact that it was real. 

“Are you?” Hongjoong whispered- small, gentle hands touching Seonghwa’s cheeks gingerly. “Happy?” he clarified quietly. “Are you happy here? With all this?” 

A vague hand gestured around the apartment they had occupied for years now. 

The life they had built together without even really meaning to. 

Seonghwa’s mind flashed through his entire life- from the moment he first produced a whisp of black smoke, to this moment here- with Hongjoong cradling his jaw and quiet, loving, adoring eyes staring at him… 

There was no fear here. There was no hatred. 

There was only Seonghwa and the person who had always been the one to give him what he never thought he could have. 

“I’m not happy here,” he breathed, laying his hand over Hongjoong’s smaller one. “I’m happy with you.” 

Hongjoong’s breath stuttered. 

“Wherever,” Seonghwa whispered, squeezing his hand. “However. Anyway you want- It doesn't matter. You’re the thing that makes me so fucking happy, I can’t breathe, Hongjoong.” 

This life, the group of friendships he had gained, the support and joy he had felt- 

It was all because of Hongjoong. 

And it was all leading back to Hongjoong. 

“But you are happy?” Hongjoong whispered, voice shaking with emotion. “Actually happy?” 

Seonghwa kissed Hongjoong’s wrist that was close enough to reach. “The kind of happy I never thought I would deserve or experience.”

Hongjoong was everything Seonghwa thought he would never have.

“Are you?” Seonghwa murmured against Hongjoong’s skin. “Happy, that is? With me?”

“Seonghwa, the list of things I feel for and with you is endless,” Hongjoong assured him, laughing wetly as he leaned forward. “You make years feel like days- And you have no idea how much it fucking burns me to watch you smile and laugh and be free here-” 

It wasn’t… a yes. And maybe something in Seonghwa’s expression showed it, because Hongjoong laughed, leaning in and kissing the corner of his lips. 

“From the first moment you hesitated with your darkness, I’ve been happy with you,” Hongjoong assured him. “Everytime I think about you, everytime I see you, I’m so fucking happy and proud and I can’t believe you’re real- ” 

Maybe Seonghwa’s luck had run out because his tongue promptly curled up silently in his mouth, leaving him unable to respond. 

Or maybe he just glanced down at Hongjoong’s lips a few too many times. 

But his response was to kiss Hongjoong again, that warmth shooting through him once more, like a dull pulse of an electric current keeping his poor heart pumping. 

It was Hongjoong who was unreal. 

How someone so pure and good and patient and beautiful and kind could ever be real- much less choose Seonghwa- 

Seonghwa knew what he wanted. 

He wanted this to never end. 

And it made something well in his eyes as he realized, Hongjoong had been right. In the end, he could be happy. He would be happy. 

And part of Seonghwa wished he could go back to the him that was once four years old and experiencing his mother’s sharp tongue for the first time. 

He wished he could tell him… to just hold on. To wait, that someone was coming. 

He wished he could find the him that was holed up in darkness and hatred… and tell him that it would change. That someone was coming to tear it all down and rebuild it back up. 

He wished he could stand behind himself at that trial podium and whisper in his own ear… that it would be okay. That there was an end, and not the kind he had always believed he would see. 

He suddenly wished he could spread the word throughout his entire life that there was going to be a time when he would look back… and see how far he’d come. 

He wished he could convince his past self that there was going to be someone who wasn’t afraid to touch him, who would smile like the sun, who would take his hand and drag him to more people who smiled at him- 

And he wished that the him that was five and staring out the back of the car as they left behind the only person he had ever found comfort in… 

He wished he could tell him to remember him. To preserve that memory, because it was going to be important. 

Seonghwa had a life full of regrets- he as under no illusion there. A list a mile long of things he wished had been different, that he mourned to this very day. 

But those regrets did not follow him here- with Hongjoong falling asleep beside him, lips still pressed against Seonghwa’s skin. They didn’t stain his skin black, and they didn’t taint Hongjoong’s peaceful expression that clearly tried to stay awake, but failed. 

They didn’t stop him from smiling- gentle and quiet and hidden- as he kissed Hongjoong’s forehead- a broadcast of everything his tongue was still too numb to say. 

They didn’t keep Hongjoong from smiling sleepily at him, warm in a way that made Seonghwa’s toes curl as he realized this was his. 

Seonghwa wished he could tell himself that one day he would be happy. 

But, he supposed, it was enough to have this. 

Despite what it had taken to get here… it was enough to cradle the warmth of his heart in gentle hands and fan it carefully. 

It was enough to have Hongjoong press closer when he gave up on trying to stay awake, lulled to sleep by Seonghwa’s presence. 

And it was enough… to lay there, and allow the shadows of his past and the regrets of his action be sent away by the sunlight that poured off of Hongjoong. 

Hongjoong chased away the darkness that still followed Seonghwa, that he still battled to keep at bay, though the battles got easier. 

Like sunlight casted so brightly, it gave the shadows nowhere to form and plant their darkness. 

And for the first time… Seonghwa lived in sunshine and light.