Chapter Text
It’s been about a week since Dan last saw Phil, and Dan is scared.
He is walking to school when dark grey clouds start looming over him. It’s thundering and it keeps getting darker. Dan smiles sadly as he watches the sun slowly disappear.
Thunderstorms. Dan used to love them.
He loved the rain and the coolness of the drops when it hit his skin. He found it pretty how the lightning momentarily lit up the sky as if it were trying to give him some kind of sign that things will be okay. He loved the way the thunder would boom, giving the sky a momentary heartbeat, a symphony of deep sounding drums of comfort.
Now it just reminds him of sadness. Something about them makes him feel lonely.
This, paired with the nerves of possibly seeing Phil at school, has him jittery, uncertain. The way things ended between him and Phil are a blur now and he has no idea where he stands. He thought he made it pretty clear on his feelings, but like he figured out a week ago, he has no idea where Phil stands. Phil hasn’t contacted him since, nor did he try to find him throughout the week.
Dan tries to get through his classes as best as he can, trying to ignore the constant feeling of missing a step in his stomach. He feels kind of nauseous and by the end of fourth period, he’s ready to just skip it all together and just go home.
It’s not like today will be different from any other day anyways.
He walks out, starting his way home. Thunder growls quietly and before Dan knows it, it’s raining.
“Fucking hell, it’s just my luck,” Dan mutters under his breath, putting his backpack over his head to save himself.
He’s almost home when he sees Phil pacing in his driveway. He nearly has a bloody heart attack.
“Phil? What the fuck are you doing here?”
Phil is just as startled when Dan speaks. He’s shaking and shivering, and Dan can’t come up with a logical reason why Phil is standing out in the rain. He has a covered porch, what the fuck is this?
“Okay just listen to me and hear me out, please,” Phil says.
Dan nods, motioning for Phil to continue.
“I am so fucking sorry, Dan. For everything. For ditching you and betraying you when we were best friends, and kissing that girl when we had something going on. I’m sorry for all of the times I made you feel alone when I knew that we didn’t have any other friends that you could go to. I feel guilty for doing this all to you. You really didn’t deserve anything that happened to you.”
“Then how come you didn’t come back to me and tell me? Why did we spend years hating each other and fighting each other when we could have just talked?” Dan asks angrily, his hands balling into fists. He tears his eyes away from Phil’s face when he realises that Phil’s on the verge of tears. He isn’t going to give his sympathy to Phil anymore, even if he so desperately wants to.
“I was angry,” Phil says, his voice breaking. “When I left you there all those years ago, to the boys kicking you and hitting you, I felt guilty so I came back to you and tried to apologise. But when I did, you didn’t even try to talk to me, or hear what I had to say! I wanted to tell you that you mean more to me than this stupid reputation and that I’d do anything to make you forgive me again. I couldn’t stand losing my best friend, but you didn’t say anything to me. You blocked me out, wrote me off as an enemy, and never talked to me again. I couldn’t help but feel angry.”
“That’s still not an excuse for what you did to me all these years,” Dan points out, glaring so harshly that Phil nearly physically flinches at the look.
“I know, and that’s why I’m apologising now. All this time we spent together lately, you know, cuddling, making out, having sex… It reopened feelings that I thought I threw away a long time ago.”
Dan feels like it’s as if the world stopped at this moment. The rain is still pouring down, loud and unfiltered, but he feels like it’s not even there. It’s just him and Phil, staring at each other in silence over Phil’s confession.
“Your feelings for me?” Dan asks slowly.
Phil doesn’t do anything but nod. He’s terrified to look at Dan.
“How long?” Dan pushes further.
“When we were 12, I think,” Phil admits, “It was so sudden. We were just sitting around and doing homework and your face was so concentrated. You were biting your bottom lip and your eyebrows were furrowed and your dimple was so deep. I wanted to kiss you then. And then from there I just couldn’t stop noticing all of these little things about you and liking you even more.”
“Then why did you leave me?” Dan wipes away the tears that are starting to fall down fast and freely. If Phil really did have all of these feelings about him, then why did he let those guys kick him? Especially when they were best friends and so close?
“I was insecure and scared. A few days before… that night… I was cornered by them. They called me names, kept taunting me and teasing me about my feelings for you. They made me feel so dirty, Dan, like I shouldn’t even have those thoughts because it was so disgusting. I didn’t know what to do, so I gave them the satisfaction they wanted, and I really shouldn’t have. I’m so fucking sorry,” Phil explains, sniffling and wiping his tears every so often.
Dan’s face softens. He can see the pain and heartbreak all over Phil’s face. Usually Phil is good with hiding his emotions, or at least schooling himself into thinking that it isn’t as bad as he thinks, but he can see that Phil’s now wearing his heart on his sleeve, opening wounds that he patched up a while ago.
“What now?” Dan asks. He feels a weight lift off his shoulders now that Phil fully explained himself, and he finds all of his angry and negative feelings towards Phil dissipate. But now that they’re here, he isn’t entirely sure what to do now.
“I thought about what happened the other night. You said you loved me and after what happened between us I didn’t think I deserved to be loved by you, so I exploded. I don’t know if you still have feelings for me, and I’m going to admit, I’m terrified of the fact that you do and that I have these feelings for you too. But I don’t want to lose you again, Dan. That scares me so much more than having feelings for you,” Phil says, “So I want to restart. I want us to have a blank slate and rebuild our relationship. That is, if you’ll forgive me.”
Dan doesn’t even realise he’s crying until he’s wiping the tears from his eyes and sniffling. He’s sure he looks like a mess, with the rain pouring down on him, making him look like a wet dog.
“Are you sure you want to do that, Phil?” Dan asks.
“For you, I think I’d do just about anything.”
“You know you have to give up your reputation for me? No more fighting? I’d be your arm candy now,” Dan tries to joke, but the more he thinks about it the more he enjoys the thought.
Phil seems to think about it for a moment. He stares at the pavement, watching the rain splatter on the floor. Dan’s face falls slightly when Phil thinks for a little too long. When Phil looks up though, he’s smiling widely and trying to hold back a laugh.
“Dan,” Phil giggles, “I don’t care about my reputation anymore. Just as long as I have you.”
Dan feels warmth burst through his chest despite it being cold and raining right now. He jumps to embrace Phil, wrapping his legs around him so that Phil is carrying him.
“I’m not that strong, Dan,” Phil giggles, centimetres away from Dan’s lips.
“Just shut up and kiss me, Lester.”