Chapter Text
Suzaku had always worried things would change once Lelouch knew his atrocious truth.
He’d expected judgment. Retribution. At the very least, he’d expected Lelouch to pull back. It was what any sane person would do.
But if anything, once Suzaku’s truth simmered freely between them, Lelouch pushed closer.
It was baffling.
“You don’t have to pretend,” Suzaku protested, admonishing himself for enjoying Lelouch’s persistent attentions. Why couldn’t he let himself have a good thing?
He damn well knew the reason, and now so did his boyfriend.
Lelouch only smiled, his expression something close to his typical smirk but not quite. They were in new waters, but they were swimming together in the sea of blood. “I’m not pretending. I don’t need to. Not with this. Not with you.”
Suzaku let out a breath he hadn’t been aware he’d been holding. Lelouch hadn’t changed his mind. It was a new day, but he still radiated complete acceptance. Understanding. Love. He was still Suzaku’s rock, still his foundation. Suzaku could read Lelouch better than anyone, and there were no lies—not even white lies—swirling in Lelouch’s compassionate eyes or hiding in the cues of his body. “Okay,” Suzaku breathed again, sliding his hand into Lelouch’s and not arguing.
It was a step.
-+-
It wasn’t always a forward path.
There were days the guilt and grief and self-hatred erupted as freshly as if Suzaku’s crime had happened a mere moment before.
But instead of Tohdoh-sensei offering a hand and cleaning the blood off him, it was Lelouch.
Always, without fail, devoid of judgment.
Lelouch had this uncanny knack of sensing when Suzaku was about to spiral, sometimes even before Suzaku realized it himself. It was just like Lelouch to pay attention and plan countermeasures in advance.
“We’re done for today,” Lelouch said, his tone brisk and firm as he stood abruptly from the Student Council table.
Suzaku tried to hide his relief. After several long days battling terrorists—battling the queasiness of fighting his own people—and then enduring the Student Council plan an elaborate celebration of fathers (at Shirley’s humble request), Suzaku was worn thin. It was made worse by Shirley naively suggesting they go around the table and share what made their own fathers so special—an innocent prompt which made Suzaku’s hackles go up automatically.
Lelouch and Rivalz had also both bristled at the idea. After the girls had spoken, Rivalz had shared that it was great that his father was thousands of miles away in the Britannian Mainland. Even as Shirley’s face had fallen at the pessimistic direction, Lelouch had kept the dreary momentum going by bluntly saying that he couldn’t lie (what a lie!), that there was nothing even remotely special about his supposed father, and that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, the sad excuse of a man would be dead; Lelouch had then coolly added, through the reactionary gasps and exclamations, that he looked forward to celebrating by vandalizing the gravesite.
Shirley had looked absolutely horrified, and Suzaku hadn’t the heart to say anything negative about his own father after the other two had crushed the poor girl’s spirits. So he’d reached for a familiar lie, the words slicing his throat like blades as he’d choked them up in a bloody offering, and publicly praised his father’s military achievements and leadership in a time of national strife.
Lelouch’s look of horror somehow hurt worse than Shirley’s.
It didn’t help that it was raining.
Suzaku was drained.
But for the first time, there was someone looking out for him, helping him navigate the minefield of complex issues associated with his childhood crime. For the first time, there was someone who knew exactly how to look beyond Suzaku’s careful façade. For the first time, Suzaku wasn’t alone when an everyday situation caused the buried trauma to bubble up.
“We’ll finish our individual parts at home and reconvene later,” Lelouch continued diplomatically, bringing the Student Council meeting to an abrupt close.
Milly’s eyebrows drew together in consternation. “But we haven’t finished making—”
Lelouch leveled a stern look at her, conveying authority with the jut of his chin. “Milly.” His eyes flicked meaningfully to Suzaku.
Following his gaze, Milly relented with quiet grace. “Yes, we’re done for today.”
As the Student Council members filed out, mumbling the words “his father” and “suicide,” Suzaku turned away from their pitying looks. He was shaking. They didn’t understand the real truth. There were so many things he couldn’t say. Questions he couldn’t answer. Wouldn’t answer. So many facts he couldn’t share. So many lies he couldn’t untangle. So many lives he couldn’t save in the wake of his damage.
Lelouch approached slowly once they were alone, his arms open wide. “Suzaku?”
Caving on autopilot, Suzaku flung himself into his boyfriend’s embrace. It was getting easier to lean on Lelouch. He still couldn’t stop shaking. “Thank you.”
“You don’t need to thank me,” Lelouch said in a hushed voice, softly nuzzling Suzaku’s temple. “I will always be here for you.”
A dry sob escaped Suzaku’s lie-sliced throat, and he clung to Lelouch with white-knuckled desperation. “I am so pathetic,” he gasped, burying his face in the safety of his boyfriend’s shoulder. “I’m sorry you’re stuck with me.”
“I’m not stuck with you,” Lelouch gently corrected him, rubbing Suzaku’s back with soothing tenderness. “I’m choosing to be with you. Because I love you.”
That only made Suzaku give in to the urge to cry. Somehow, with all the walls he’d constructed around himself, it was the softness and kindness that made him lose control. “Lelouch, I…”
“Shhh,” Lelouch comforted, holding Suzaku tight and continuing his calming ministrations, “you don’t have to say anything.”
Suzaku collapsed at the permission, making Lelouch stumble with his deadweight, but they managed to make it to the nearby couch. “What am I gonna do?”
Lelouch rested his head against Suzaku’s as they curled up together. “You’re going to let me help you, and you’re going to get through this.”
Sniffling, Suzaku mumbled, “You make it sound so easy.”
“It won’t be easy,” Lelouch admitted bluntly. “But you can do it, with me at your side. I promise, I won’t fail you.”
Suzaku sighed, burrowing closer to his boyfriend. “I’m the one failing you.”
“You’re not,” Lelouch reassured him, for what must have been the umpteenth time. “But first things first. We need a plan.”
Lips twitching, even in the midst of his pain, Suzaku huffed a ragged laugh against Lelouch’s neck. “You’re always plotting away. It’s cute.”
“…Out of respect for your current emotional state, I refuse to dignify that with the response it deserves,” Lelouch said haughtily. Shifting to get more comfortable, he hesitantly ventured, “I don’t mean to pry, but have you ever…spoken to anyone about what happened?”
Suzaku sharply raised his tearstained face, his eyes wide and terrified. His heart dropped to his toes. “Of course not! How could I…”
“Not even your old sensei?” Lelouch pressed, his violet eyes concerned and searching.
Struggling to breathe, Suzaku jerked his head. “No. He did what he could for me, before he had to go fight in the war. But since then? I’ve been alone.”
“Suzaku,” Lelouch gasped in a pained voice, pulling Suzaku into a round of loving kisses. “You don’t have to be alone anymore.”
Suzaku kissed back, partly wanting Lelouch to shut up already because he couldn’t take much more kindness. It was undoing him. He didn’t deserve it. Lelouch was all things good, and Suzaku was nothing but a selfish, violent monster who’d gotten away with patricide.
Pulling back, Lelouch cupped Suzaku’s cheek. “From now on, you can always talk to me. I have some ideas to try to help, but give me some time to look into them.”
Suzaku wrinkled his nose with distaste. “You’re not gonna force me to tell some therapist, are you?”
“I would never force you,” Lelouch assured him, again stroking Suzaku’s back. “I even agree that it would be dangerous. There’s a lot at stake, and not just for you, if you tell the truth.” He took a deep breath, steadying himself before saying, “But maybe therapy isn’t such a bad idea. Considering.”
Blinking, Suzaku wiped at his eyes. “Lelouch, how could I do therapy if I’m not honest with a therapist about my issues?”
“I told you, I’m working on it,” Lelouch said quickly, taking over wiping away Suzaku’s tears. “But if I could make it happen, in a safe way, would you do it?”
Suzaku tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He felt like he was standing on the edge of a cliff, only this time, Lelouch was the one pulling him to solid ground. It was terrifying to consider new options for dealing with his pain, but burying and ignoring his trauma wasn’t working out so well for Suzaku. If there was anyone he trusted, it was Lelouch. “Yes.”
Lelouch’s encouraging smile made such a scary step feel slightly less daunting. Just like Lelouch’s understanding had already made the small reminders of Suzaku’s issues more manageable.
Suzaku exhaled a small fraction of the weight on his shoulders.
“You know I’d do anything for you. Hell, I’d burn the entire rotten world,” Lelouch murmured, pressing his forehead lightly to Suzaku’s.
Inhaling his boyfriend’s love and commitment, Suzaku stared into blazing pools of violet. “You know I’d never want you to.”
“That’s why we’re starting small,” Lelouch soothed with a deep chuckle, snatching another lingering kiss.
Suzaku relaxed further, even understanding how the depths of Lelouch’s unlimited devotion might one day result in further catastrophe. Lelouch knew him inside and out, but it worked both ways. Here and now, in the safety of Lelouch’s arms, the world on fire seemed a long way off.