Chapter Text
He couldn't get the thought out of his head. It was destroying him, the idea of never seeing Ben again. It would take 3 hours to get to Providence. And that was by car. He'd get there at best by 11pm. Better late than never. But he should never. It would be better for him, for his job, for his family if he could just leave it all behind. Fuck it. He had everything to lose, but he was willing to lose it all for another night with Ben’s hands in his hair. The past six months had been hell. Everything reminded him of Ben. Every morning coffee was worse when it wasn’t sweetened with the taste of Ben’s kiss. Deep and passionate and more commanding than Adam expected, running his hands under his shirt, clinging onto him like a last ditch effort to convince him to stay. Adam felt a familiar pit settle in his stomach. He paced around his apartment, like he always did when he was trying to make a good decision. His head was fuzzy. He couldn’t think straight. In multiple ways. This was a terrible idea. But the thought of that helpless look on Ben’s face as he turned to leave… he couldn’t bear the thought of that again. He pulled out his computer in search of the next train to Providence, his body moving before his mind could even decide what to do. The next one left in 15 minutes. He grabbed his jacket and threw on his shoes, practically running down the stairs. He clutched the paper in his hand, which was almost a crumpled ball of mush mixed with his sweat. It’s ok, he didn’t need to read it anyway, he had memorised the path to Ben’s apartment on one of the many lonely nights he spent replaying his memories. The cool air of the New York winter hit his face as he tripped out into the street. Taking off towards the station, the pit in his stomach had let bile rise to the back of throat. He couldn’t comprehend the weight of the decision he was making. He didn’t have time to right now. He clenched his fists, trying to focus on the form of his arms and the consistency of his run like he would do when he used to train. “Please- stay” repeated like the life force keeping him together. He couldn’t leave Ben like that. He couldn’t go his whole life without seeing him again. Even if that meant he had to stop ignoring the elephant in the room of his sexuality- it didn’t matter. He could go through it for Ben.
The 3 and a half hours felt like a week. Adam didn’t know it was possible for time to go that slow. He felt every single movement of the train jolt him around, threatening to make him throw up. This was a mistake. Too late now. What if Ben wasn’t home? What if he had forgotten about him? What if he thought he wouldn’t be there? The train was 20 minutes delayed. Which means he’ll probably arrive at Ben’s at past 12. His leg was tapping uncontrollably on the floor of the empty carriage. No one in their right mind was travelling at this time of night on a random weekday. Except Adam. He was crazy enough to. Or maybe stupid enough to. By the time the train pulled into the station at Providence, the sky was fully dark. No moonlit summer like six months ago, but a pitch black night with a chilling dry wind blowing snow around his ankles. He shivered looking out into the dirty sleet that lines the pavement. The coat he threw on last minute was definitely not warm enough for this, but that didn’t matter if Ben was waiting. He trudged through the streets, taking the turns he had crossed on street view hundreds of times. The snow was slowly seeping into his shoes. By the time he arrived at Ben’s door, he was shaking. For multiple reasons. Tentatively, he pressed the door bell and attempted to hide from the cold in the nook of the doorway. The door opened to reveal Ben wrapped up in a colourful hoodie, his hair messy and his eyes red as if he had been crying. Adam opened his mouth but hesitated from saying anything, letting his cold breaths shudder out and condense into mist. Ben’s eyes lit up with recognition and he stumbled forward, instantly wrapping both arms around Adam and burying his face in his shoulder. He melted into the hug and let his worries seep away with the newfound warmth of his body. Ben pulled him inside, letting the door shut behind them. His apartment was warm and smelt like coffee, even at this hour of the night.
He felt warm air hit his ear. It tickled. “You’re so cold”
Adam spared a weak smile. “I came here in a rush”.
Ben’s hands cupped both sides of his face. “You still came”. He pressed a kiss into his frozen lips that spurred his whole body to life.
“I'm sorry I never replied. I couldn't even bring myself to read the letters. “
“Shhh, it's ok. I never really knew what to say in those anyway. I just wanted you know to I always thought of you”
“So did I. I missed you, always”
“Me too”
They stood in the dim light of the hallway, and with Ben’s arms wrapped around him he finally felt safe. He’d have to come to terms with telling his parents. But it’s ok. They’d figure out something. Together.
Adam glanced over to the corner between his desk and bed. The pile of unopened letters sat there still. It had been months since he last felt the crushing pit in his stomach when he saw it. He had forgotten it was even there. With Ben in New York now, he had much more important things to focus on. He wondered what Ben had written to him for all that time, once a week for a whole six months. It was a bit late to read them now… but he realised it was the first time he had been able to look at them properly without wanting to burst into tears. He retrieved the stack from the floor, plopping it on his desk and started to carefully open them. Each one was the same yellow envelope that housed a small handwritten note. Adam pulled out each one, on each written the same thing on a torn piece of paper.
“I love you”