Chapter Text
‘Go on then,’ Laszlo says. ‘How many?’
He’s sitting in Guillermo’s bed, entirely naked, smoking a cigarette. It’s quite the sight, and not one Guillermo ever expected to see.
‘Yeah, I’m not answering that,’ he says, and picks up his phone from the bedside table just to have something to do with his hands.
He has finally moved into the Big Blue Room. It developed a massive whole in the ceiling during the year he was in England, which has been fixed but not painted over. The blue wallpaper is faded and peeling, and Guillermo doesn’t have nearly enough possessions to fill the space, but it’s a huge step up from the alcove under the stairs.
‘Go on,’ Laszlo says. ‘I won’t tease.’
‘You absolutely will.’
Laszlo smirks with a lot of fang. ‘Only a little.’
Guillermo rolls his eyes. ‘Six. Happy?’
‘Tell me more.’
‘One guy from Panera Bread, one guy I met on an app, a couple of other familiars, Freddie, and you.’
‘Tell me about this “app”.’
‘I, uh – it’s silly, but I wanted to lose my virginity before I came to work here. So you guys didn’t eat me.’
Laszlo cackles. ‘Sensible chap.’
‘I mean, you could have eaten me anyway.’
‘I could have, but I didn’t. And here we are.’
‘What’s your number, then?’
‘It’s in the hundreds. Notable examples include Nadja, of course, Alfred Kinsey, Blackbeard, three quarters of the music group the Spice Girls, Napoleon, Princess Diana –’
‘You’re making these up,’ Guillermo says.
Laszlo winks at him, and takes a drag on his cigarette. ‘So you and Nandor have never done the deed?’
‘Nope.’
‘You’re missing out. The man’s got a cock the size of Austria-Hungary and enough kinks to power a large steamboat.’
Guillermo would question the specifics of the metaphor, but he’s busy trying not to blush. Sometimes when Laszlo fucks him he closes his eyes and imagines Nandor in this position, wonders if he lets Laszlo push him around or if he takes charge, wonders if he likes his hair yanked on or gently stroked. And sometimes he imagines that it’s Nandor touching him, that it’s Nandor’s beard ticking his neck. And then Laszlo will do or say something that’s just so Laszlo that he can’t pretend anymore, and he just enjoys it.
‘Right.’ Laszlo stubs his cigarette out. ‘Ready for round two?’
He never stays long after they’re done fucking, because they have different sleep schedules and he has a coffin to go back to. And a wife. It’s not that Guillermo is jealous exactly – more like envious. More like, he wishes he had someone to go back to as well.
Instead, he dusts the chandeliers and bundles up corpses for disposal. They really need to invest in an incinerator. Although if he asks Colin Robinson about it, he’ll probably just be treated to a lecture on the history of the house until he’s dead on his feet. So he drags the bodies out to the back yard and buries them, and hopes they don’t get too much rain this winter.
It’s probably a bit fucked up that he can do this with so much detachment, he thinks as he makes his way inside and takes off his muddy boots. There’s a commotion somewhere above him.
‘House meeting!’ Laszlo calls out, his voice rising several octaves on the end of meeting.
They assemble in the hall: the three vampires and Colin Robinson and Dolly and Guillermo. Whatever he is these days.
‘We have received an invitation,’ Laszlo says, producing an envelope with a flourish. ‘Nancy the Relentless of the Upper West Side is turning one thousand, and she wants us to be in attendance at her party.’
‘All of us?’ says Dolly.
‘Well, it’s addressed to the Vampires of Ashley Street, and I’m fairly sure there aren’t any vampires on Ashley Street.’
‘We definitely have dominion over Ashley Street,’ Nandor confirms.
‘So I’d say that’s us,’ Laszlo says.
‘Well, I will not be going,’ Nandor says.
‘Oh, not this again,’ Nadja says. ‘For the last time: Nancy the Relentless did not steal your name!’
‘Yes she did! And anyway, I am way more relentless than her!’ Nandor looks like a petulant little kid; Guillermo tries very hard not to find it endearing. ‘And I have better hair,’ he adds.
‘Well, don’t come then,’ Nadja says. ‘We will go to the biggest event of the vampire social calendar without you.’
‘None of us are going,’ Guillermo says. They all stare at him. ‘Every time you get invited to something fancy it turns out to be a trap.’
‘Does it though?’ Nadja says.
‘Yes! Don’t you remember the theatre? Morrigan Manor?’
‘Okay, no need to get your panties in a twist,’ Colin Robinson says. He grins. ‘I love the word panties. It always makes people squirm.’
‘Consider this,’ Laszlo says. ‘I want to go. Let’s fuck around and find out.’
Colin raises his hand. ‘I am raising my hand to indicate that I am also in favour of fucking around and finding out.’
‘Me too,’ Nadja says.
‘And I’m up for anything,’ Dolly says.
‘Well, if you are all going, it would just look weird if I did not go,’ Nandor sighs.
They all look at Guillermo expectantly. Almost like it actually matters if he joins them or not.
‘Fine,’ he says. ‘I’ll make sure you all stay out of trouble.’
Laszlo smirks. ‘Excellent.’
‘That’s our little guy!’ Nadja says.
‘I guess the “Ashley Street Gang” are going for a night on the town,’ Colin Robinson says. ‘The “air quotes” are to indicate that I’m joking because we don’t actually live on Ashley Street.’
He thinks about Freddie, sometimes. He imagines them in an apartment in London, looking out over one of the parks, baking scones and drinking tea. Sleeping at night. He’d have a job doing – something. He’d take the tube. They would go to the pub on a Friday evening and pick up an Indian takeaway on the way home. Maybe they’d get married. Maybe they’d have kids.
And that’s where Guillermo always gives up on this fantasy, because it’s absurd. The idea that he could ever be in part of that normal world again, walking around with his umbrella and his Oyster card knowing how it felt to slaughter a room full of vampires, what it felt like to fly. The only child he’s ever going to raise is the one that Colin used to be. The only life he’s going to know is this one. He still remembers what human blood tastes like to a vampire.
Laszlo is a drama queen, a perpetual performer, but Guillermo finds that he relaxes a bit during their post-coital moments. He rolls onto his side and slides an arm across Laszlo’s broad chest and Laszlo, sated and sleepy, allows it.
‘I’ve always wondered something,’ Guillermo says.
‘Mm?’
‘Why did you become a vampire?’
Laszlo grins, baring his fangs. ‘To fuck and suck forever, of course,’ he says. ‘And that was a clever bit of wordplay, because ‘suck’ refers to drinking blood, and sucking cock.’
‘Right.’
‘The moment I clapped eyes on my Nadja, I knew I wanted what she had. And I wanted to be with her forever.’
It’s strange, cuddling someone who doesn’t give off body heat. Guillermo tugs the comforter up around them. ‘Can I ask you something else?’
‘If you must.’
‘Why do you two sleep with other people if you’re so obsessed with each other?’
‘Because, why the fuck not?’ Laszlo cards his fingers through the curls at the back of Guillermo’s head. ‘Why deny yourself pleasure if you can get it?’
‘I don’t think I’ve got the hang of that mindset,’ Guillermo admits.
‘We’re working on that.’
Guillermo scrubbed every trace of blood out of the kitchen, but he still thinks about that dead man every time he makes himself dinner. Tonight, it’s pasta with tomato sauce. He’d like to cook something better, but it doesn’t seem worth it when it’s just for him.
‘There you are,’ Laszlo says, appearing in the doorway. ‘I have something for you.’
‘For me?’
Laszlo rolls his eyes. ‘Yes, for you.’ He hands Guillermo a large, square box.
He sets it down on the kitchen table, and tentatively lifts the lid. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but knowing Laszlo it’s probably going to be bizarre and sexual.
It’s not. It’s a suit, navy blue, the fabric thick and soft. There’s a turquoise velvet waistcoat and - of course - a silk cravat. (Like the one Laszlo used to tie Nandor’s wrists. Guillermo is never, ever going to forget that.)
‘Wow,’ he says. ‘Um – why?’
‘For the party,’ Laszlo says. ‘Oh, and make sure you wear your thing with all the stakes. Just in case.’ He winks.
‘Do you want me to try it on?’
‘Normally I would love to, but Sean has invited me to watch the football with him.’ The look that comes over him when he talks about Sean is surprisingly soft.
‘Are you two, like… dating?’ Guillermo asks.
‘Sean is not that way inclined, but he’s very dear to me.’
‘But he’s mortal.’
‘Astute as ever, Gizmo.’
‘Doesn’t that bother you?’ Guillermo says. ‘That he’s going to die one day?’
Laszlo shrugs. ‘He’s alive right now. Might as well make the most of it.’
He doesn’t know how Laszlo got his measurements, but the suit fits him perfectly. He has always dressed to look neutral, to blend into the background, but this outfit catches the eye and directs it to all the curves of Guillermo’s body. It’s like the Versace shirt, but better because it is very much of the world of vampires. He feels good in it. More than that – he feels powerful. Sexy.
He still thinks this whole thing is a trap, but at least he’s got his weapons on him. One way or another, he is going to slay.