Chapter Text
I don’t know if there is a god in the same way Kelly believes, but if there is someone up there, I am sure that they absolutely hate me.
I was so looking forward to snuggling after the trial, but then dad just had to invite Kelly in for celebration drinks. It was fun for a bit, even if I wasn’t as wasted as the last time Kelly came round. At least we're cuddling on the couch! There was just one problem…
“Kelly, hiiiiii!”
Mom decided to stop her one-woman dancing for a bit and crashed on the couch, almost on top of Kelly. Thanks mom for trying to kill my girlfriend! Mom didn’t want us to drink at first, but all of a sudden changed her mind when dad suggested opening up that fancy wine that they were “saving for a special occasion”. Good to know me not getting the chair ranked as special! But I wish we hadn’t drunk at all, because now mum was wine-drunk. The worst kind of drunk.
“Um, hi?”
“Hi! So Kelly tell me, what do you do for a living?”
“I thought I told you an hour ago?”
“Nooo I’d remember something like that!”
“Oh, ok!”
No Kelly you absolutely did tell her an hour ago! How much has Kelly had?
One beer.
Kelly I love you but sometimes you make me lose brain cells.
“I work at FYE.”
“Oh, just that?” mom asked in the most disappointed voice I think I’ve ever heard.
“Well I’m a manager there.”
“Oh why didn’t you say so? I’m so glad Ari’s found somebody with a stable job, this one’s unemployed!”
“Mom I haven’t even graduated yet!”
“But it’s so close! My little Ari is growing up so fast.”
“I’ll find a job after school, I promise.”
“Well you better young lady, I’m not letting you live rent-free here if you just want to write all day.”
Kelly shot me a confused look.
“I want to be a writer, that’s what mom’s on about.”
“Oh that’s cool! What did you wanna write about?”
“No idea.”
“You should definitely find a job.”
“Thanks honey.”
“You’re welcome sweetheart!”
“So what do you want to be when you grow up?” mom asked Kelly.
At least I think she’s asking Kelly, she’s looking at the window right now.
“I’m not sure, I haven’t really thought about it.”
“Maybe you should become a counselor,” I said.
"I thought you were messing with me that time you said that?"
"I was, but I do think you'd be good at it."
“Don’t you need to have a bunch of fancy degrees for that though?”
“Probably. I dunno, we can look it up.”
“Like right now?”
“Don’t look it up right now, we’re meant to be enjoying ourselves!” mom pouted.
“I’m not sure if dad’s enjoying himself.”
I looked over the couch to see dad sitting at the table, drinking to forget. Can’t blame him after mom’s dancing.
Mom had other plans though. She walked over to him and started pulling on his free hand.
“Dear, did you know Kelly’s a manager?”
“I heard.”
“I can’t believe our Ari snagged someone like that!”
“Maybe you should tell that to Kelly? When you’re sober.”
“I will, I promise!”
Mom was definitely going to forget this night ever happened.
“So do you want to go on the dance floor?” mom asked dad.
“Think I’m good.”
“Aww, come on, don’t you remember back in school when we danced together?”
“I remember being your fifth choice.”
“Oh shush, it all worked out!”
“It did, I got an amazing daughter out of it. Still not sure about the wife part.”
Mom tried to slap dad's arm, but just lost her balance and caught herself on the kitchen counter. Now I know who I get my natural grace from.
“Fine, guess I won’t be dancing with you!”
“I have an idea.”
Ohh I don’t like dad’s smirk right now.
“Why don’t you dance with Kelly?” dad suggested.
“I dunno if I want to…” Kelly started.
“Well I have more beers if that’s the problem,” dad said.
Mom made Kelly’s decision for her when she grabbed Kelly off the couch.
“Come on, just move like this!”
Mom started dancing. Well, I think that’s what she was trying to do. Dad always said it looked like a mix between the robot and a salsa. I just thought she looked like a flamingo.
Kelly did try copying. The fact she was failing to copy mom’s moves just made Kelly look like the better dancer.
“No use your limbs more!”
“It’s kinda weird doing it like this.”
“Nonsense! I’ll tell you the most important rule when it comes to dancing: dance like you’re naked and nobody’s watching.”
I snorted on my shitty beer. Mom, please never say those words again.
“Um, so more like this?”
Kelly started flailing about. Well she’s definitely matching mom’s dance now.
Not a good thing.
“Yes that’s it! You’re a natural!”
Nothing was natural about this.
Time to get out of here. I got off the couch and fucks sake now who’s holding me from behind!?
I turned. Kelly was looking at me.
“Don’t leave me with her.”
“You’re getting off lucky, she forced me to remember an entire choreography sequence once. Which she kept changing!”
“I’d still prefer if you were with me.”
“I don’t know, I don’t want to embarrass myself as much as you have.”
“Please.”
No not the return of the puppy eyes! Fuck.
“Fine.”
“Yay!”
I let Kelly drag me to the “dance floor”.
“Oh Ari, let me show you this new dance I thought up!”
“I think we can stick to the one you were just doing.”
“No this will be worth it! Just watch.”
All I watched was mom falling over. Shit, is she ok? Oh, she’s giggling.
“Alright I think you’ve had enough,” dad said.
He picked up mom, putting one arm over her shoulder.
“But we were just getting started!”
“I think you were just finished. Come on, you need to go to bed.”
“But I was dancing with Kelly and Ari…”
“There will be other opportunities to dance with them.”
“Aww, ok.”
Dad started walking mom back to her room, but then she slipped out of his grasp. Dammit, really thought the worst of the dancing was over.
Mom walked in front of Kelly. She’s staring really intensely. Don’t tell me she’s about to have an argument with her.
“You’ll look after Ari, won’t you?”
“Why wouldn’t I? She’s my girlfriend!”
“I just wanted to make sure.”
“I promise, I’ll look after her.”
“I’m not five!” I interjected.
Great, nobody’s listening to me.
“Um, Kelly?” mom asked.
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry if I gave you a hard time when we first met.”
Mom’s way past wasted if she’s actually apologizing. Usually it takes three arguments to get her to admit she might be wrong.
“It’s ok.”
“It’s not. I know you’re not Nicole, it’s like night and day how Ari is with you. Did you know she talks about you all the time?”
“Mom!”
“What? It’s true.”
“Well we spoke about the crack.”
“Let’s just forget that, yes sweetie? It’s over now.”
“I know.”
“Excellent! …Um, what was I talking about again?”
“You were about go to bed,” dad said.
“Oh yes! Goodnight!”
Dad took mom up for real this time.
“Thank fuck we got out of the dancing,” I said.
“Aww, I wanted to dance with you though.”
“Well we still can, it was just weird with mom’s dancing.”
“Yeah, nobody’s watching us now.”
“We’re not naked though.”
Kelly put her arms around my neck. I returned my arms around her waist, as we started swaying our hips. There was no music, but it still felt nice.
“We can be,” Kelly whispered.
“Don’t really wanna do that in case dad comes back down.”
“Well how about after this dance we go up then?”
“That sounds nice.”
“Before we do though, I just wanted to say something.”
“You’re not gonna call me an idiot for selling crack again, are you?”
“I’m always gonna call you an idiot for that.”
“Great.”
“But it’s not that.”
“Ok, then what is it?”
“Um, I didn’t know whether to say this before the trial and I probably should have, but I didn’t know what was going to happen. But it’s all good now.”
“Are you gonna get to the point?”
“Don’t rush me!”
“We’ll be finished dancing before you’re out with it.”
“I love you.”
If there was music, this would be the part where there’s a record scratch.
“I mean it Ari, I love you. You don’t need to say it back.”
“I love you too.”
We just kept dancing in a comfortable silence.
“So, what do we do now?” I asked.
“I guess we finish the dance and then go upstairs.”
“Can we go upstairs now?”
“Now who’s the sex addict?”
“Guess you were just rubbing off on me.”
“I’ll be doing that later.”
“So much for us just snuggling.”
“Please, like you weren’t hoping to get laid.”
“Am I really that predictable?”
“Yup.”
“How do we know when the dance ends though? There’s no music.”
“Huh, that’s a good point.”
“You seriously wanted us to finish but didn’t know how!?”
“I just didn’t think that far ahead!”
Me and Kelly looked at each other before we broke apart in a fit of giggles.
“So, upstairs?” I asked once I’d finished laughing.
“Upstairs.”
“Good morning, kiddo.”
It was morning (obviously). Kelly was still in bed, so I’d come down to make us both some coffee. Dad was up and looked completely fine. I don’t get how he can drink so much and be completely sober.
“Morning, dad.”
“Have a good night?”
“Yeah it was ok.”
“Think it was a bit more ok from the sounds of things.”
“You heard us!?”
“Afraid so.”
“I am so sorry!”
“I’m glad you’re having fun, but you might want to keep it down next time. Or actually, maybe leave the house for now. You know what your mom’s like when she has a hangover.”
“I thought she doesn’t get hangovers, she just gets ill?”
“Well that’s what she’s been telling me for the past thirty years.”
“Good luck with her.”
“Thanks. Just maybe leave sooner rather than later, and save yourself while you can?”
“I will. Do you think she’ll remember any of last night?”
“I doubt it.”
“Oh.”
“Something bothering you?”
“I was just hoping she’d remember what she said to Kelly. Kelly really wanted mom to give her a chance.”
“Well unfortunately I don’t have any proof to her that happened. I do however have the next best thing.”
Dad got his phone out and showed me a video. No way…
It was mom and Kelly dancing together. Well she can’t deny her crappy drunk dancing now!
“So hopefully this’ll sway her. If nothing else, it will make for great blackmail material when I ask about my mancave again.”
“Still working on that project, huh?”
“Oh yup.”
“When do you think you’ll actually start it?”
“I’m not sure, when are you moving out again?”
“Haha, very funny.”
“Oh thanks, I thought so too! Let’s be honest, you’ll move out before your mother ever agrees to the mancave.”
“Looks like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”
“Seems that way.”
I heard the floorboards creaking from upstairs. Shit, mom must be up.
“Alright kiddo maybe forget the coffee. Grab Kelly and get out of here!”
“It’s not an action movie.”
“Would you rather leave with Kelly or stay here and face mom?”
“I’ll grab Kelly.”
Thankfully Kelly was already awake when I got her out of my bed. We headed to hers instead. First thing she did? Went back to sleep. Forget the coffee then. I curled up in bed next to her.
…
Shit, fell asleep. I had no idea how much time had passed. It must be the afternoon by now, right? Fuck, I really needed to pee too. But Kelly’s hug was like a death grip! How was she this strong!? Or maybe I was just weak, and girls’ scouts hadn’t actually done that much for me?
“Mmmm five more minutes,” Kelly mumbled.
“Kelly it’s the weekend,” I laughed.
“Mkay,” she said as she went back to sleep.
It would have been adorable if I wasn’t bursting. I tried squirming out of her grip. Didn’t work, but it woke her up at least.
“Don’t leave the bed…”
“Kelly, I just need to go toilet.”
“Don’t want you to leave again…”
“I’ll be gone for two minutes.”
“You promise?”
“Come on, I’m not gonna run off to do something stupid again.”
“You better not.”
Kelly gave me one last tight squeeze before letting me go. I dashed out to do my business, then came back as quickly as I could.
“You forgot something,” Kelly said as I came back in.
“I know.”
I leaned over and gave her a kiss.
“Not the cheek…”
I rolled my eyes.
“Maybe you should be more specific?”
“You gotta figure it out…”
I got back into the bed, right into the death grip.
“Did you miss me that much?”
“Maybe…”
I leaned in and gave her a kiss. On the lips, this time.
“That better?”
“I guess,” she said as she smirked.
“You guess? What, are my kisses not good enough for you anymore?”
“Maybe I wanted you to kiss somewhere else?”
“You just want me to kiss you all over.”
“You won’t know until you find the right spot.”
“I’m not having sex with you when you’re half-asleep.”
“Are you saying you don’t want to kiss me?”
“That’s so not what I said! I just don’t want you falling asleep on me.”
“Maybe some kisses will wake me up?”
“Were the ones from yesterday not enough?”
“They’ll never be enough…I almost lost you…”
“I know. But it’s over now.”
“I just don’t want it to happen again…”
“It won’t.”
“So, kisses?”
“Fine.”
I started kissing her face. Every single spot, just like she asked!
“Hey hey that’s enough!” Kelly laughed.
“I thought I had to find the right spot?”
I didn’t stop kissing her.
“Yeah but not like this!”
“I have to be thorough.”
“You just kissed the same spot like three times!”
“What if I was slightly off?”
“Slightly off for what?”
“Er, the magical spot you just asked me to find?”
“It’s not on my face…”
“Yeah I guessed. Still not fucking you until you’re awake.”
“I’m awake now!”
“Really? I need to make sure.”
Still kissing that beautiful face! Or I was, until Kelly grabbed me and pulled me to her lips. I climbed on top of her, where she put one arm around my waist and stroked my hair with the other.
“Do you think I’m awake now?”
“Nope!”
“You’re such a bitch!”
“Being bitchy was kinda how this whole thing started.”
“I guess. It only feels like a few months ago though.”
“Er, that’s because it was a few months ago?”
“You know what I mean! It’s a figure of speech.”
“Like saying it’s a date when it wasn’t?”
“You can’t hold that over me forever!”
“I guess not when I sold crack.”
“I’ve been wondering actually, what was that like?”
“Being a drug dealer?”
“Yeah. Sorry, do you not wanna talk about it?”
Not talking about it was probably one of my worse decisions in the first place.
“No it’s fine. Well, it was kinda cool, until it wasn’t? Getting a nickname was awesome.”
“What was it again?”
“Devil.”
“Because of your red hair?”
“Er, yeah obviously.”
“Ari, I can tell when you’re lying to me!”
“I’m not…ok I am lying, but it’s embarrassing, ok?”
“Like selling crack to get with a girl?”
“Well I got her didn’t I!”
“Yeah you did. So come on, why Devil?”
“…because I sold shitty crack…”
It’s not funny Kelly, stop laughing! It was infectious though, and I found myself laughing too.
“I charged too much for it too.”
“How much?”
“Like, $150 at first?”
“And that’s expensive?”
“Apparently!”
“Good thing you want to go into writing and not sales.”
“I don’t think any sales company would take me, unless I could put ‘terrible crack dealer’ on my resume.”
“You totally should!”
“As a joke?”
“Obviously!”
“That’s a horrible idea.”
“Is it any worse than your other ideas?”
Jesus, even my bimbo girlfriend was calling me out now. She’s right, but still!
“Probably not. One of the customers was kinda cool. Although he wanted me to use his friend for an abortion.”
“You were pregnant!? Wait, do lesbians need Plan B!?”
“I told you ages ago we don’t! I wasn’t pregnant, I just lied that I was to make a sale.”
“That’s messed up…”
“You’ve said that before. The whole thing was messed up.”
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“I told you, it’s fine.”
“If there’s something bothering you, just tell me ok? I don’t want you rushing off to push more drugs.”
“I think the situation was a bit more complicated than something bothering me. But sure. I learned my lesson.”
“Maybe you should deal something else now?”
“…Like what?”
“Hugs!”
“Hugs? Are you having a stroke right now?”
“No silly! I’m saying you can be my little hug dealer instead!”
“That’s so cheesy!”
“I’m trying ok? You complained about me not being poetic at the rooftop.”
“I don’t want you to be! Just be you.”
“I thought it was sweet…”
“Diabetes level sure.”
“So, you don’t like being called that?”
“I didn’t say that. But what’s wrong with sweetheart?”
“Nothing, I just thought this was more personal.”
“I guess it is…”
“Forget it.”
“No come on don’t be like that! I’ll be your…your little…”
Dammit mouth stop laughing, Kelly’s starting to get upset!
“You really don’t like it…”
“I’m sorry I just wasn’t expecting it from you,” I got out between laughs.
“I’ll think of a new pet name.”
“No come on! Maybe it’ll grow on me.”
“I doubt it.”
“I was just taken off guard. Say it again.”
“You’re just gonna laugh again.”
“I promise I won’t.”
“Ok. You’re my little hug – you’re already laughing!”
“Well yeah it’s even funnier the second time!”
Kelly pushed me off. Nooo I liked that seat!
“We’re not having sex now,” Kelly said.
“I already said I wasn’t gonna have sex with you!”
“Yeah until I was awake.”
“We both know in five minutes you’ll want to have sex again.”
Kelly sat up on the edge of the bed, crossed her arms, and looked away from me.
“Nope!”
I saddled up to her from behind, planting kisses on her neck.
“Get off…” Kelly mumbled.
“Not until I find this spot.”
“…you’re not gonna find it…”
“Guess I’ll just have to check other places.”
“…might be there a while…”
“That’s fine by me. Although there was something I wanted to do today, if you’re interested?”
“…don’t stop…”
“Wasn’t even five seconds!”
“Shuddup…what did you wanna do?”
“Did you want go on a date?”
“I’m not-”
“It’s not the bookstore.”
“Then where?”
“Bowling.”
Kelly’s eyes lit up. Perfect. So glad I remembered her mentioning that.
No wonder Kelly wanted to go bowling, because holy shit was she good at it. This girl never failed to surprise me.
Strike. Strike. Strike. Spare. Strike.
My record?
4 then 3. 1 then 8. Spare. 7 then 2. 0 then 0.
Ok that last one was not fair, Kelly distracted me! She was being all cute by existing and I just couldn’t concentrate! Also she might have had her tongue down my throat. Maybe. We’d probably be done by now if we weren’t too busy tongue fucking. Not that I’m complaining!
“Are you actually gonna try this time?” Kelly asked.
“I keep messing up because of you!”
“Hate the game, not the player.”
“I hate your game.”
“You love it, you bitch.”
“Calling me names now?”
“Don’t pretend it doesn’t turn you on.”
“What if I told you it doesn’t?”
“Then I’d call you a dumb bitch. See, you’re blushing already!”
“I am not!”
“Oh, so is your hair dye leaking into your face?”
“I’m not blushing. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Like you weren’t blushing when I licked you?”
That was another reason for my zeroes.
“I’m not blushing! You probably just got your lipstick on me.”
“I’m not even wearing lipstick today.”
“You wouldn’t even put on lipstick for a date with your girlfriend?”
“Did you put any makeup on?”
“I put on some foundation I grabbed from home.”
“Yeah, the cheap shit.”
“Sorry I don’t have rich parents like you do.”
“It’s fine, I’ll take you to Ulta.”
“I don’t want you to buy me gifts just because I’m your girlfriend.”
“I’m doing it because I want to, not just because we’re going out.”
“Surely that’s the same thing here?”
“Are you really turning down expensive makeup?”
“You know what? I think I am.”
“Shame. If you had better foundation, I’d kiss you way more.”
“So when are we going to Ulta?”
“Slow down, you need to lose this game first.”
“I could still win.”
“Yeah, the second game.”
“Just watch: I’ll get a strike.”
“Ok.”
“I will!”
“Sure.”
“Ugh, just…watch!”
Get her out of your head, Ari. Focus on the ball. Wow, this might be the first time I’ve ever had to focus on balls.
Here’s Kelly to distract me again.
“You’re doing this all wrong. You need to roll the ball properly, like this.”
Kelly took hold of my arm and gently swayed it up and down, showing me the proper bowling technique. Really hoping she can teach me more techniques.
“Anything else?” I asked.
“Yeah, you need to hit the pins.”
“Anything actually useful?”
“Try hitting them at an angle. Not every straight shot will give you a strike.”
“But I’m not straight.”
“Do you get all your jokes from your dad?”
“No hang on, I’m nowhere near as bad as he is!”
“Sure. So do you remember what I taught you?”
“Roll properly and go for an angle.”
“Oh! And walk up to the lane as you roll. Not this weird stand there and roll it shit you’re doing, you look like an old lady who needs a ramp to roll a ball.”
“Anything else!?”
“Yeah.” Kelly gave me a quick peck on the cheek. “That’s for luck.”
Alright, walk up properly. Go for an angle. Roll correctly. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe. Aim. Roll!
Strike.
Kelly almost put me to the ground when she tackle hugged me.
“Yes, I knew you could do it!”
“Thanks, but I think it’s still your game.”
“Oh yeah I’m gonna thrash you.”
“At bowling right?”
“I never said that,” Kelly replied with a wink.
Before I could respond myself, Kelly got up for her go. Another strike for her.
Sadly Kelly’s pep talk didn’t automatically turn me into a pro unlike some cheesy underdog sports movie. The strike seemed more of an accident and I fumbled along for the rest of the first game. The second game I did at least get a lot of spares, so it was much closer. Well, as close as it could be when I was bowling against a secret prodigy.
“Um, before we go back…I was being serious earlier,” Kelly said.
“About what?”
“Buying you gifts because I want to.”
“That’s really sweet, but I don’t need anything fancy. I just need you.”
Kelly was now blushing. Yes, see how it feels!
“Sweetheart…” Kelly stammered.
“Not calling me the other thing, honey?”
“Er, no! You just laughed at me.”
“I’m sorry ok? It is kinda cute. I get what you were going for.”
“Are you just gonna keep teasing me over it?”
“Yes.”
“Then I’ll just annoy you with it.”
“By calling me your little hug dealer all the time? Seems like a mouthful.”
“You never complained about mouthfuls before.”
“H-hey!”
“That’s better. I got you something, my little hug dealer…wow that is a mouthful.”
“Told you.”
How did she not realize it was a mouthful in the first place!?
…Wait, she got me a gift?
Kelly dug into her jacket pocket. I wondered why she had brought the jacket in the first place. She passed over a small box to me, covered in red gift wrapping.
“I know we haven’t been going out for long but I thought you might like this…just tell me if you don’t like it! Oh and um, the gift wrapping was red to match your hair…God this was dumb…”
“Kelly, don’t say the Lord’s name in vain!”
“It’s fine, I’m not part of any church right now!”
“That doesn’t stop you from being Christian!”
“It doesn’t?”
“No!”
“Oh…oh no! I need to confess! Shit, I don’t have a pastor!”
“Ok, breathe. We’re going to find you a new one. I haven’t forgotten.”
I had gone church shopping with Kelly as I promised, but she was being really picky about the new one. I tried pointing that out to her, but she just said we had to find the "right fit", like I said. Of course my own words would come back to bite me.
“But, can I confess to sins I’ve done before that joined church?”
“Pretty sure you can. Forget about that for now, what’s in the box?”
“You need to open it, silly!”
I took off the wrapping. Sure enough, there was a box under it all. I took off the lid.
“Kelly…”
It was a Rolex.
“Do you not like it?”
“No, it’s beautiful…”
“You said you liked watches and you liked your old one and I saw it a while ago and really wanted to give it to you…”
I put it on. Yeah, that feels better.
“I don’t know what to say,” I told Kelly.
“Um, maybe a thank you?”
I jumped onto Kelly and kissed her.
“Thank you. It’s really nice.”
“Thank fuck, I was worried you wouldn’t like it…”
“Are you kidding!? This is amazing! Though this was meant to be your fun date.”
“I still had fun, I got to kick your ass at bowling!”
“So this was a good date then?”
“Sweetheart, this was the best date!”
“So, does that mean I get the best sex?”
Kelly grinned a mischievous smirk as she whispered into my ear.
“I’ll bite down on your bottom lip and make you fucking bleed.”
“Promise to kiss me after?”
“Of course I’m going to kiss you. It’s not lust, it’s love.”
A lot of romance stories end with a happy ever after. I would know, I’ve written enough of them! It’s always implied that it’s sunshine and rainbows for the main couple, that nothing bad will ever happen. What they don’t tell you is that relationships are work. Like, really hard work. I learned that several times over with Kelly. Turned out unresolved issues from your younger days can come back to bite you in the ass later. She was right when she said she wasn’t sure if the boundaries between flirting and fighting had been blurred. Because holy fuck they did. It was a little awkward stripping off expecting angry sex only for your literal sex addict girlfriend to keep her clothes on. That might have been the most explosive argument we ever had. But it wasn’t all bad. She held me tightly on those nights when I slept about the Straight Club; I could see their faces so clearly, begging me to save them. That can’t have been easy for her. People joke these days about ‘disaster lesbians’, but what did that make me? A broken lesbian? I wished I could get on with my life, more than anything for Kelly’s sake. In a twisted way, I worked so hard to get her, and I had no intention of losing her. We actually went to couple’s counseling for a bit to try to make it work, but that’s over now. In fact, I should probably just rip the band-aid off. She’s not my girlfriend anymore.
She’s my wife!
I’ll never forget seeing how beautiful she was in her dress, while dad walked me down the aisle. I had also gone for a dress; didn’t think I was butch enough to pull off a suit. Dad cried his eyes out like a little baby when he gave me away; I’m never letting him forget that! Or maybe I should, as my parents and Kelly’s pooled together for our honeymoon. We went to the Caribbean a few months ago. It was magical. Wish I was back. Kelly did say about going on holiday next year, and I know just the right buttons to press to get her to agree. I’ll worry about it when she gets home from work later.
So Kelly didn’t become a counselor, she became a pastor in the end! I’m sure that might not be much of a surprise. We did look into the counselor thing, but Kelly was right: there were a bunch of fancy degrees that she didn’t want to work for. So she did the next best thing. She said she wanted people to have someone who could support them, who could talk them through issues of Christianity and guilt in a way she couldn’t when we were younger. It took us forever to “church shop” and she wasn’t satisfied with any of them, so I guess she figured she had to run the church herself if she wanted one where she would feel accepted. It’s not quite a megachurch, but it actually is famous! Well, that’s more because of our "famous superstar actor friend" (Megan’s words, not mine). She goes to the church when she visits us every now and again, and of course people flock to see her. But it drives up donations, and Kelly’s always happy to talk about the faith with her in a way she can’t with me. I have shown up to her church a couple of times to be supportive, but it’s just not for me. And that’s ok! Our couple’s counselor told us we don’t have to be joined at the hip to enjoy our time together. Not that I think we are, but Kelly can get a bit clingy if she knows I’m going away. She keeps worrying there will be a repeat of PG County. I don’t think there will ever be a repeat of that.
At least now I’m seeing a therapist for all that shit. After the thousandth guilt-induced dream, I decided enough was enough. I still couldn't tell them the full details, but it helped. But just like the talk with the school counselor, it didn’t make me feel much better, and it certainly hasn't ended the nightmares. I’m still not sure how I should feel about it! On the one hand, it was technically my fault it all happened, at least in a way. None of it would have happened if I hadn’t been such a fucking idiot and stole the crack. But on the other hand, it’s not like they had a good reason for doing what they did. The whole thing was an accident anyway, it’s not like I meant for it to happen. It was in self fucking defense! Sometimes I think back to when Nicole praised me for it, and the really messed up part is that it actually cheers me up. At least that was the last scar she left on me.
Speaking of scars, I haven’t cut now for a few months. It was a vicious cycle: something would upset me, I would cut, Kelly would have an argument with me. But I didn’t stop because of Kelly getting angry. I stopped because I hated seeing Kelly sad. Bad enough that I’ve got multiple permanent scars littered around my body thanks to the Straight Club. Kelly asked me once to think of reasons not to self harm, and the only one I could come up with was her. But you know what? That alone was a hundred reasons not to do it.
It’s not like the temptation to cut wasn’t there though. I still want to after my nightmares, or whenever I see a cop. I get so anxious thinking they’re about to arrest me. Which was silly! I’ve been declared innocent. Now that I've had time to think about it, I'm pretty sure Nicole's neighbor gave the police a copy of that photo. He's the only one who could have done it. No idea why the police didn't question me over it though. Maybe they just couldn't be bothered? Or maybe they actually did speak to Nicole and she covered for me in her own Nicole-y way. Fuck, they could have spoken to her brother, that might have actually been better for my case. It's pointless to think about now, it's over! It's over. It doesn't need to be some great mystery, unlike my Rolex. I still think some junkie picked it up. Unless it just melted, but I’m pretty sure they’re sturdier than that? Not that it matters, I’ve got so many watches now thanks to Kelly. She just can’t help herself. As for the gun, that’s in my dad’s lockbox where it’s going to stay. I asked him once if they could track me through the serial number, but he said it had been filed off. I guess Jeffery’s dad did me a favor there. There were times when I wanted to throw the damn thing into the Potomac, but then I’d get paranoid it would wash up somewhere and someone would find it. How long do fingerprints last? It doesn’t matter. I never wanted to see it again.
I didn't even want to think about it all again, but that didn't stop me from using it as inspiration for my writing. In particular, my fifth novel. My best-selling magnum opus. The title?
Women Are The Only Drugs I Need.
Of course I had to change things to avoid incriminating myself, and my lawyer says that for legal reasons I have to mention any similarities to real life people or situations are purely coincidental and unintentional. The money I got from it has kept us comfortable. Well, that and the money I sold from the crack. Kelly’s parents were the ones who actually gave me advice over what to do with it. Not that I told them how I came into money, or told them at all – Kelly mentioned a "friend" had a lot of money and needed to bank it without causing suspicion. They explained how to put small investments into certain things, how to make it seem like there’s nothing weird going on with the money. It was a lot of hassle but it was worth it in the end. The interest alone on the crack funds were worth it!
…Wait shit, isn’t that money laundering!? Fuck. Guess that’s better than manslaughter.
That revelation was just more bullshit to deal with at this point. But after all the bullshit I went through in the first place, from being abused to stealing crack to the trial, it was worth it in the end because I got Kelly. I’d go through it all again if it meant I got to spend just one more day with her.
She really is all I need.
New Message!
From: Kelly <3
Subject: Tonight
Hey sweetheart, hope you’re having an amazing day! I can’t wait for tonight, I got that thing you asked for 😉 I know your therapist said it can be good to expose yourself to your trauma, but are you sure you want to be the criminal? You could be the cop instead? Sorry, I just worry. We’ll go at your pace, ok? Let me know if you change your mind. Whatever you want, I’ll always be here for you.
Love you a million, my little hug dealer xoxo