Chapter Text
That person looks different.
Yoo Joonghyuk's day started as usual. Waking up early to do a quick jog, come home before 6 to cook Mia's breakfast and lunch, wake up Mia, send Mia to school, then either stream, run some errands, or do some appointments.
If only Mia did not forget her lunch at home.
Once he noticed the unassuming lunch box still on the kitchen counter, he immediately sent a text to his manager that he would be late for his first appointment. He grabs in and puts on the first coat he could find. Mia's school bus must have left already, so he opted to ride the subway to get there faster.
It's easy for him to navigate through the crowd, thanks to his tall height. The train stops right in front of him, and once the cabin doors open, he wastes no time to get in.
He hates the seats that are too small for him, so he stands instead despite seeing a couple of available seats.
It's not his habit to scan the passengers, usually, he would just ignore everyone and stare at the horizon. But today, something compelled him to do so. And he's glad he did just that.
There. Look at him.
There was a man. A few seats away from where he stands. The figure hunches as he looks at his phone, scrolling through what he assumes to be web novels.
He's not someone that would catch Joonghyuk's attention, or anyone else's for that matter.
But Joonghyuk felt drawn to him, like a moth to flame.
Before he knows it, he's staring.
Even from afar, he can catch the man's brown eyes, wide and expectant as he reads on his phone. He catches the practiced movements of his fingers as he scrolls. Somehow, even the way he holds the phone with two hands seems familiar.
But who?
From where?
The man slowly looks up, as if sensing his gaze. He immediately snaps his head away, looking at the windows, but his attention remains on the unsuspecting man. He's sure he looks funny to anyone who sees him, but he can't find it in him to care. Among all the passengers, his focus only remains on the other man.
As if it was just the two of them and no one else.
Why?
The man bows his head again, so Joonghyuk resumes staring.
Only, he did not get as lucky this time.
The man's head snapped up so fast, he barely had time to look away.
Shit . He curses to himself as he catches the man moving from his peripheral.
The train stops, and passengers pour in. Joonghyuk holds his ground, not letting the flow of people nudge him from where he stands. Even as he feels the man inch closer and closer, he can't find it in him to turn back or move away.
As if he subconsciously wants the man to notice him staring.
The train moves again, the man stands a few steps away, not even bothering to hide how he stares at the other. Joonghyuk notices his nose scrunch up adorably in confusion, his eyebrows drawn together in a small frown.
And his heart aches at the familiarity of it all.
A familiarity he can’t place. Joonghyuk feels like this man is, somehow, missing. Lost.
But he’s not. He’s right there. In front of him. Staring at him. He’s not lost.
He racks his brain, trying to search for any memory of the other man. He knows. He can feel that he knows him. That this man is not a stranger at all.
His chest aches, and the pocket watch in his coat suddenly feels loud and cold, despite the layers of clothing separating metal to bare skin.
Against his will, or maybe not, he follows the urge to chase that familiarity. Against his logical judgment, he turns his head and looks.
This stranger has pretty eyes , he thinks. Yet something feels, and looks, wrong. Like there's something missing from his face.
Something tells him there used to be an entire galaxy in those eyes.
"Joonghyuk! Look at this!
Joonghyuk drops the game he was playing on his phone and stares at the weird flower his friend was holding. The cool breeze of the open area gave a gentle touch to them both, his hair swaying with it.
“What’s that?” he asked the smaller male. It was a small yellow flower, but he didn't know its name.
“I don’t really know. It looks pretty so I picked it up.”
“Kim Dokja stop picking up random things from the ground. I swear.”
“It’s a little flower! What can it do to you huh? Uptight bastard.”
You mean what can it do to you ? After all, he’s pretty sure Dokja’s immune system is pretty much non-existent, like his basic survival instincts.
Luckily, Joonghyuk has enough for both of them.
They had a stare down, nothing special until a loud DEFEAT sound came from Joonghyuk’s phone. Frowning, he picked up the phone he dropped on his lap.
“You made me lose my game idiot.”
“I did not tell you to drop your phone, sir, that's on YOU.”
He was about to say something in defense, but he remembered this was Kim Dokja, and that arguing with him and his weird logic is pointless, so he remained silent.
Fortunately, aside from a smug smirk, Dokja remained quiet as he too pulled up his phone. They settled beside each other on the bench, Dokja slightly leaning on Joonghyuk’s right arm as he read his novels. The rest of the world moved around them while they sat in that same spot, doing that same hobby, with the same person. Everything was the same, as familiar as Joonghyuk preferred.
He sat there embracing the familiarity that he would miss soon.
What happened?
Dokja called him to dinner, days after he told Joonghyuk he’d be moving out.
To be honest, Joonghyuk did not like every bit of that conversation. He doesn’t want Dokja to move out, he’s scared for him. That bastard never eats on time. He always sleeps late. How could he be alone?
He was about to argue that moving out was impractical, and even unsafe for Dokja. But as if sensing his arguments, Dokja dropped a bomb on him.
“I can’t keep living with someone I’m in love with, Joonghyuk. Not if it’s not even reciprocated.”
With that, Joonghyuk stilled. He had received dozens of confessions before, but none of them bore the same weight that Dokja’s did. None of them are as important as Dokja. All of the others were strangers, acquaintances at most. Dokja was neither of those. Even with his experience of confessions, this one, he can’t…
Answer him. Tell him you love him too.
He wanted to tell him he loved him. That he could stay.
Tell him.
But Joonghyuk didn’t want to lie to himself. And to Dokja. It’s not fair to either of them.
He replied. Something. He said something. Then Dokja smiled. Weak, yet accepting. Hurt, yet warm.
“Goodbye, Joonghyuk.”
Stay. I’m sorry I don’t love you.
“Goodbye.”
He doesn’t love him.
Not yet.
So from then on, Dokja left. And Joonghyuk had to stop cooking for two.
During those times he was alone in their once-shared apartment, Joonghyuk had a lot to think about.
He questioned why he doesn’t love Dokja when no one ever came close to how special he is to him. So why? Why can’t he see him as anything past a dear friend?
I love you too, he wanted to say.
But he couldn’t because he didn’t.
Right?
He remembered a time back when they were in high school. Joonghyuk hadn’t talked to anyone for days. He was deep in his thoughts and walked mindlessly with his stoic expression.
It was simple, really. Mia asked him a question about a lesson she had at school, but Joonghyuk couldn’t answer it. He wasn’t familiar with the term. Back then, he didn’t study so hard. He never saw the point of studying anything past his interests.
It was a simple thing, but he felt like he deprived Mia of the one person she could depend on. If Joonghyuk, Mia’s only family, could not answer a question from the child, who else could?
So for days, he stayed cooped up in the library, forcing himself to read every academic book he could find.
Mia might ask about this, which was his only thought.
He moved like a machine programmed to a systematic, daily routine.
Study for Mia.
Don’t disappoint her again.
Don’t—
A juice box was slammed onto the table in front of him. Next, a chair slid on the floor, and a figure sat in front of him.
“Kim Dokja.”
“So you know me, you bastard. You look like a ghost by the way. What the hell.”
“Shut up.”
Of course, Kim Dokja continued talking.
“What are you even reading anyway?” Dokja grabbed the book he was holding and read its title, “Quantum Mechanics?! What the fuck? I figured you were doing some advanced reading, but how far into the future are you planning to go?”
With a snarl, he grabbed the book again from Dokja’s grasp, “Leave me alone.”
“Hm?” Dokja crushed his empty juice box, as he always did, and leaned across the table to him, “Why are you being this advanced, Joonghyuk? You’ve never done this before. What happened?”
Of course, he knew something happened. He always did.
Joonghyuk knew there was no point in dragging it out, so he answered.
“Mia might ask.”
A few seconds of silence for Dokja’s brain. Then the man blinked. Once. Twice. Before he opened his mouth to reply. Joonghyuk waited for the mocking smile or the laughing eyes. He received none.
“Mia? Your little sister Mia?‘
“Yes.”
“Like Mia. As in your sister. Who’s in middle school. That Mia.”
“Do you think I know any other Mia? Yes, that Mia.”
“Holy–” Dokja cut himself off before grabbing Joonghyuk’s book again, “Nope, you’re not doing this. Come on, it's lunchtime.”
“What the–”
Probably using all his strength, Dokja dragged Joonghyuk out of his chair by the collar. Joonghyuk could have freed himself, but talking to Dokja made him snap out of the trance he didn't know he was in, so he humored him.
One lunch. A few bickering. A couple of treats, maybe bribes, and Joonghyuk started to feel ridiculous for picking up advanced physics books for his sister in middle school.
He stared at Dokja as the man walked beside him, rambling about something Joonghyuk paid no attention to. He watched as Dokja led them to their usual place on the open field.
He marveled at the shorter man’s perception and wondered if he intentionally did everything he did today to break Joonghyuk out of his stupor or if he was simply being typical Kim Dokja.
Or maybe ‘typical Kim Dokja’ was all Joonghyuk needed in the first place.
He never considered anything else. Back then, he was content and sure that Kim Dokja was just there. A familiar presence. Back then, he never considered what that presence meant to him and to Dokja himself.
Yet that day, he remembered sitting in their spot, Dokja sleeping on his shoulder, warm exhales tickling his neck. He remembered wondering when friendship ends, and love starts.
It was not until he realized he was haunted by the lack of a familiar warmth in the apartment, that he contacted Han Sooyoung. Someone he knew Dokja would confide in.
“Don’t bother looking for him,” she said over the phone, “he made his decision. Respect that. Please.”
Not once did he ever hear the woman say please. So for her to plead for Dokja’s wishes…
Something was up. Something was wrong.
So he packed up. He didn’t know where Dokja was staying anymore. But he knew where Sooyoung lived.
A short drive later, he was sitting in Sooyoung’s living room.
“Where’s Dokja?” he asked.
“Somewhere,” she answered.
He had enough.
“Don’t bullshit me Han Sooyoung. I’ve had enough. I know something’s wrong with him so tell me where he is or I swear–”
Suddenly, like a string that snapped, Sooyoung was up and pacing in front of him. Shouting.
“You’ve had enough?! Oh, you did?! So sorry to cause you discomfort your highness why I did not realize that you would be so full of it!”
Then she laughed. Silent and mocking. Joonghyuk would have snapped too. With the way, she talked to him. But he didn’t. He can’t.
Because while she was shouting, Han Sooyoung was also crying.
“Sooyoung–”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
His mouth snapped shut. Sooyoung kept crying. And Joonghyuk was helpless.
He didn’t know what Sooyoung was seeing in her mind while she cried.
He didn’t know she could see one of her best friends pale and dying right before her eyes and she couldn’t do anything but hold his hand and brush his hair.
He didn’t know that Sooyoung had to give an excuse to leave the room every ten minutes lest she break down in front of the man who was already suffering so much.
She was helpless and lost. Like Dokja. And Joonghyuk would never know.
Once she calmed down enough, she continued.
“He confessed to you, didn’t he? He told you and you let him leave. So don’t go looking for him like he abandoned you because he gave you a chance. He gave you the choice and you–”
She sobbed again, covering her face with her hands. She could see Joonghyuk was tearing up too but she didn’t care. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what that choice meant for them.
For him.
“Just leave. Please. Don’t look for him. Let him do what he— what he wants.”
She led him to the door. Joonghyuk was silent and obedient the entire time. When he turned again, he was met with a sharp, teary gaze.
“Don’t talk to me about bullshit Yoo Joonghyuk. We both know you’re so full of it.”
And she slammed the door right in his face.
That night, he remembered crying himself to sleep. Silent tears of a pain he never knew. He knew nothing after all.
All he knew was that he chose wrong.
That night, he woke up coughing. Small, yellow petals clogged his sink.
Daffodils.
The next time he saw Sooyoung, she wasn’t crying anymore. She just looked pained. Hopeless even. Her hands would shake every now and then until she cradled them close to her face. She would stare at nothing for minutes then shake herself out of it. Her movements were heavy like she was forcing herself to go through them. For the sake of it.
She looked like someone who had no choice but to move on.
“Why did call me?” she asked. “I told you to stop looking for him.”
“I– Sooyoung.”
“What?” she gritted, already annoyed.
He didn’t know how to tell her.
He didn’t even know where to start.
So he opened a cabinet. Pulled a crumpled tissue out of it. He cleaned out the blood. He was careful. But it was there.
The petals.
He placed it on the table between them.
Sooyoung saw them. She stared. Tears fell on her face. She looked like she had enough. With responding, with expressions, with everything.
Joonghyuk felt another wave coming, but he held it. He didn’t want to cough in front of her.
This girl was in so much pain too. He didn’t want to add to it.
Then she laughed. Pained. Hoarse. Like she didn’t know what else to do.
“Dokja–” her voice cracked at the name. Her gaze never left the petals on the table. “He wanted you to have this.”
Slowly, as if automatically, she dug something from her pocket. A silver little thing. Intricate and delicate.
He reached out for it. A pocket watch. Carved with stars and a single flower.
Ambrosia.
He opened it. There was an inscription inside.
‘To my love that never died. To the time we never had.’
That was it, right? Time.
With more, they could’ve talked.
With more, they could’ve caught up to each other.
With more, they could’ve been timeless.
“What do you want to do?” Sooyoung asked her best friend.
“I’ll follow him. What he did.”
“Okay.” she smiled. A little. A precious curl of her lips. She wasn’t happy. Far from it. But at least neither of her best friends will suffer anymore.
The train continues moving. Passengers moving to and fro trying to find seats. Joonghyuk stood staring. So did the stranger.
Eyes of abyss, meet ones of stars.
This stranger. Who are you?
Why do I know you?
Stranger. I’ve met you.
I loved you too.
Was it me who loved too early?
Or was it you who loved too late?
Stranger, shall we try again?