Chapter Text
“So… tell me about her,” Steve said as they were outside helping move cargo from their chopper into the safe house.
“Who,” Bucky replied.
“Who,” Steve mocked, “You know exactly who I’m talking about. Your girl, Buck. I’m your best friend for what 90 years? And you don’t tell me you’re seeing somebody?” Cap said.
“I’m not seeing anybody,” Bucky replied.
“Oh okay, so the woman who’s been in your apartment every weekend for the past few weeks, she’s just there for what? Maintenance?”
Bucky didn’t reply.
“At least tell me about her,” Steve punched him in the shoulder jovially.
“Like what?” he asked. Always a man of few words.
“Who is she? How’d you meet? Is it serious? Do you like her?” Steve rattled off questions.
“A woman, work, I don’t know, and I guess.” Bucky answered, focusing more on moving the equipment than the conversation.
“Right, very descriptive,” Steve said, rolling his eyes. “What do you mean ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I guess’?”
“She just wants it to be … physical,” he said. “Which is great.”
“And you want more than that?” Steve asked.
Bucky just stared at Steve and sighed, exasperated with all of the questions.
“Well did you tell her how you feel?” Steve asked.
“I’m not good at words. Or people,” Bucky responded. “I’m good at … well ya know.”
“Yeah I remember how much of a ladies man you were in the 30s,” Steve laughed.
“And she’s so …” Bucky started.
“She’s what, Buck?”
“Out of my league. She’s smart as shit, I wouldn’t know what to say to her or ask her about. I’ve been on ice for the past fuckin’ century. It’s impossible,” Bucky finally explained.
“Well have you told her that?”
“What? That I’m half a man, dumb as shit, and haven’t seen a movie since 1936?” Bucky said. “No, the fuck I haven’t.”
“Alright, alright,” Steve said. “I didn’t mean to push it. I’m just saying, you ought to talk to her if you like her so much.”
“Sure,” Bucky said.
-
He’d been gone all of 4 days but you still worried and waited to hear from him on his mission. He’d become a routine part of your life on base - long weekend nights tangled together. Neither of you wanted a label for this, whatever it was. You just knew it felt incredible to give up your power and will completely over to him after a long week in the lab, and you trusted him. He was open enough to make you feel comfortable, and distant enough that neither of you felt constrained.
And now, you were this close to ruining all of that by worrying about him and wanting to know when he’d be back, if he was okay, and anticipating his return. You weren’t his girlfriend, and you knew that and chose that… but god the way he held you. Still, you didn’t see him outside of weekend nights.
-
Bucky knew the protocol for phones and contact when on a mission, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to call you. Instead, he scrolled through your texts, careful that nobody was looking at his screen over his shoulder.
Fuck, why do I actually miss her?
He kept reading and realized how much he’d grown attached to their conversations and late night trysts. It was honestly just nice to talk to someone who wasn’t Steve or Sam.
Then, you were typing 💬
⚪️ I know you’re not supposed to have your phone on and probably won’t even receive this, but I missed you and couldn’t help myself
*photo attachment downloading
You’d sent him a photo of you in bed wearing one of his shirts, just his shirt.
He could feel the heat rise to his face and his pants begin to tighten. He quickly locked the phone and shoved it away before anyone caught wind of what he was doing.
“You alright there, Buck?” Cap asked.
He grunted in reply.
———
When they returned, Bucky was sore, a bit bruised, and generally just run down. They’d infiltrated another Hydra base, and needless to say, it didn’t go as smoothly as planned. It never went to plan, if he was honest. He laid awake that night.
1:00 am
2:00 am
3:00 am
Unable to sleep, flashes of hydra brainwashing and torture flooding his mind due to the things he’d seen that week. He may no longer be programmed by them, but the memories remained, no matter how long or how hard he fought to push them down. He was still in government mandated therapy, working through his list of apologies which helped, but nothing could fix or erase the things he’d gone through.
He decided to text you, knowing you’d likely be asleep - but fuck it. Anything to distract his mind from nightmares of days past.
🔵 Your probably not awake
⚫️ You’re*
“Fuck. She is awake,” he thought to himself.
⚫️ Can’t sleep?
🔵 No. You?
⚫️ No.
🔵 Why not?
⚫️ Honest answer?
⚫️ I haven’t slept well since you all left. I was worried the new tech wouldn’t work and I’d kill everyone.
🔵 Your not serious
🔵 You’re
🔵 whatever fuck it you know what I mean
⚫️😂
⚫️ I’m serious!
⚫️ Wait why can’t you sleep? Did everything go well?
🔵 I don’t sleep
⚫️ oh
You wanted to say, “you sleep when you’re with me.” But you didn’t.
🔵 and yeah everything went … well it went
⚫️ and that means?
🔵 well your tech worked we just suck at sticking to the plan
⚫️ hm
⚫️ I’m glad it went
⚫️ I’m glad you’re back in one piece
🔵 Is that a joke
⚫️ oh fuck
⚫️ no I didn’t mean like your arm
⚫️ I swear I just meant
🔵 I’m fucking with you
⚫️ That’s not funny Buckyyyyyyy
🔵 Yes it is
⚫️ hm okay sure
⚫️ what do you mean when you say you don’t sleep
🔵 I don’t
⚫️ that’s not entirely true is it?
🔵 ?
“Fuck it,” you thought to yourself.
⚫️ you sleep when you’re with me
💬
He typed and erased several different responses. You could see he’d read it, and was typing but not sending anything. You began to panic, thinking you’d said too much, gone too far.
“Shit shit shit shit, I shouldn’t have sent that,” you threw your phone across the bed not wanting to look at it as you waited for his reply.
⚫️ I didn’t mean anything by that I don’t mean to pry
🔵 No you’re right
🔵 your
🔵 fuck I am not good at words
🔵 I have nightmares
🔵 fucked up shit from the past
🔵 I don’t have them with you.
“Fuck fuck fuck fuck f u c k,” you thought aloud to yourself. “Why is he finally telling me this? What do I even say back?”
⚫️ I was really only worried about you
🔵 Yeah?
⚫️ yes
⚫️ the bed got cold while you were gone
⚫️ I know it was barely a week but
🔵 you know the code to my door
You didn’t waste another second, sitting up and finding pants and a tank top in your pitch dark room. This would be the second time you’d broken into his apartment. You quietly made your way over to the elevator and to his floor, hoping and praying you wouldn’t run into anyone at this hour.
His room was dimly lit when you entered. He was pacing, in just his boxers, clearly waiting for you.
“Doll,” he said.
“Bucky,” you answered.
You smiled as he kissed you, lifting you up and wrapping your legs around his waist. It was as if you weighed nothing to him. He smelled like bergamot, amber, and you could tell he’d been sweating - perhaps from stress or maybe a nightmare. His smell was infatuating.
He hugged you, smelled your hair, and didn’t let go. You smelled of oranges, sweet pear, and he wanted to memorize and keep that scent with him.
“I missed you,” you spoke first.
“So did I,” he answered honestly.
He kissed you again, setting you down on his bed. You thumbed at his boxers, but he stopped you.
“Wait,” he started. “I don’t want to have sex with you.”
“Oh,” you said, pulling your hands back.
He picked up your hands and sat next to you.
“No, that didn’t come out right. Of course I want to have sex with you. I mean, I don’t want to just have sex with you,” he rambled.
“Oh,” you said, brighter this time in tone.
“I know you’re leagues above me so I get it if you don’t want to, ya know, go steady but that’s what I want,” he finally got out.
There was a beat of silence while you took in what he’d just said.
"It's fine, I understand you wanted this to just be casual," he said.
"I didn't say that," you answered.
He stayed quiet.
"I do want to get to know you first before I say yes to anything," you said.
"Okay," he answered.
"You should probably get to know me too," you laughed, leaning toward him and kissing his cheek.
"I want to," he said, turning his head to kiss you gently.
"I'm not out of your league, by the way," you smiled and run your thumb over the cleft in his chin.
"Yes, you are," he said.
"Oh, how so? If you mean I'm too attractive for you, I'd beg to differ."
"You're fucking stunning," he said, kissing you again, his hand on your knee massaging it gently. "But it's not just that. You're fucking brilliant and I don't even know the difference between 'your' and the one with the fuckin' -" he gestured "-thing."
"Apostrophe," you finished for him, giggling at his apparent sincerity but how little it mattered to you.
"See?!" he exclaimed.
"Listen it's 3am, and you haven't slept," you excused him. "It's endearing that you think I'm so much smarter than you."
"Oh, good, you pity me," he mocked.
"Noooo, I don't pity you at all," you ran a hand through his hair. "I know nothing about combat. I know nothing about conflict. I know nothing about stealth. And I'm sure there's so much more that you know that I don't."
"Hm," he grunted, clearly not taking you seriously.
"I'm serious!" you said, hitting his chest playfully. "Listen, my answer is yes. I do want to go steady with you."
"Yeah?"
"Yes," you smiled, and he kissed you the way he always does now. "Going steady," you repeated it, loving the old-fashioned term.
"I'm 106," he said plainly.
"I know that," you answered, a yawn escaping you.
"C'mon," he said, standing to move the covers of his bed back.
You laid with your head on his chest, his arms around you. It felt safe, secure.
"Will you tell me about the 1930s?" you asked, sleep chasing you but you fought to stay awake a moment more.
"Yes," he answered.
"Did you ever go dancing?"
"I did," he answered, running his hand through your hair.
“A different girl every weekend?” You smiled, teasing him.
“Maybe,” he answered.
"Do you remember a lot from then?"
"Some," he answered.
"Hm," you yawned, fighting your eyelids to stay awake.
"G'night, Doll," he said, kissing your forehead, but you were already sound asleep.
The two of you slept late into the morning, but it didn’t matter. It was a Sunday, and you both needed this. You eventually woke before him, trying unsuccessfully to shift out of the bed without waking him.
“Mmmm noooo, stay in bed,” he said reaching for you just barely missing your t-shirt, his voice deep and gravelly with sleep.
“I’m coming back,” you said quietly.
You stood for a moment in his bathroom just staring at yourself in the mirror, in just your t-shirt and underwear. You didn’t know what you expected to see differently, but you felt the change that happened overnight. You felt nervous, a bit overwhelmed at finally waking up here and staying, but so SO relieved and happy to finally have had that conversation with him. You grabbed his mouthwash and deodorant and quickly did your best to freshen up, brushing your teeth with your finger. Your heart sped up at the thought of bringing your own things and leaving them here. You startled as he opened the bathroom door coming to stand behind you, hands on your hips and kissing your shoulder.
“You can use mine,” he said referring to his tooth brush.
“I don’t know,” you answered leaning back against him.
“I’ve eaten you out and kissed you with the same mouth, and you draw the line at using my toothbrush?” He joked, pinching your ass.
“Ow!” you turned and hit him with the towel in your hand, blushing at bit at his lewdness. “I’ll bring mine next time and leave one here. How about that?”
“Good,” he kissed you. “Use mine.”
You rolled your eyes but turned and brushed your teeth. You were mid-brush when he lifted the toilet seat to piss. “Bucky, what the hell?” You said with a mouthful of toothpaste and laughing at his casualness, turning to give him privacy and brush your teeth elsewhere.
“I gotta piss!” He said waving his hands at you and the toilet.
“Okay! Okay!” You quickly rinsed and left the bathroom. From outside the door you asked, “Is this what it is to be going steady with you? You waltzing into the bathroom to piss in front of me while I brush my teeth?”
He just laughed. His laugh, though rare, was a beautiful sound.
You sat back down on his bed, and waited for him to come back to bed.
He returned and stood between your legs at the edge of the bed, holding your face with both of his hands and looking down at you. You wrapped your arms around his middle and pulled him closer. You heard his stomach make a noise.
“You hungry?” you asked.
“I could eat,” he answered.
“Breakfast?” your eyes lit up a bit thinking of food. Now that you thought on it, you were a bit hungry too.
“Yeah, good thing my meals already here,” he said, kneeling.
“What do you -“ you began to ask before understanding what he meant. He pushed up your shirt and ran his thumbs over your nipples. You gasped and smiled as he pushed your shirt up over your head. You ran your hands through his hair as his lavished kisses over your torso, paying attention to each breast. God, he drove you absolutely w i l d.
“You smell like me,” he said.
“S’that a good thing?” You asked, breathless as he kissed your inner thighs.
“Mmm,” was his only answer. You assumed by the growing bulge in his boxers that that was a yes.
You lifted your hips so he could remove your underwear.
“Don’t wear these here anymore,” he said holding up your underwear. You laughed and he grabbed your thighs roughly. “Lay back.”
You did. He grabbed one of your hands and held it.
“I’m allowed to do this now?” He asked playfully.
“Hold my hand while you eat my pussy?” You asked. You saw his eyes darken, a flash of something terrifying and exciting crossing his features. “If you ask nicely,” you whispered.
He kneeled up and yanked you forward by the hand he was holding tightly, putting his other hand behind your neck and bringing your forehead to his. He chuckled darkly.
“You said you wanted to know about the 30s,” he stated.
“Uh huh,” you answered, scared and turned on.
“You know what men did when their women spoke like you just did?” He gripped your hair a little tighter, and you felt yourself get wetter.
“Yes,” you answered.
“Tell me,” he said.
“They were punished,” you whispered. You could feel your heartbeat in your pussy you were so insanely turned on.
“D’you need to be punished?” He asked.
“Yes,” you answered, not knowing where this was going but trusting it would be earth-shattering.
He stood up, letting go of your hand, of your hair. “Kneel. Up on the bed.”
You did as he asked.
“Hands out in front of you. Grip the sheets.”
You could feel the slick now reaching your thighs.
“Knees together,” he said. “Breathe, okay?”
You nodded.
“Words, Doll.” He said firmly.
“Yes,” you answered.
“You’re going to count them out loud. All 10. Understand?”
“Yes,” you answered.
“You miss one, we start over. Understand?”
“Yes.”
“You say stop, I’ll stop. Understood?”
“Yes.”
“Good.” He said smoothing a hand down your back. You jolted a bit at his touch, unable to see him the way you were positioned face down, ass up. “Easy.”
One.
It stung and rang through your whole body. He smoothed his hand over the red spot on your ass. You were overwhelmed at it.
“Count!” He demanded, smacking you harder this time.
“One!” you answered.
Two
Three
You didn’t forget to count these. You could feel the red marks that would form, and the wetness dripping down your leg.
Four
Five
Six
Holy fuck it hurt but because it was him, he had you moaning with abandon. You could only think of how good it would feel for him to take you like this, fuck you raw and -
Eight
No, FUCK that was wrong.
“Start over,” he said.
Fuck fuck fuck okay, you needed to focus.
One
Two
Three
Four
He hit the same spot again and again.
Five
Oh.
Oooooh.
This time he spanked right over your pussy and good God you’d never known how much you needed that.
Six
“Please, again. There,” your voice was raw and pleading.
Seven
Eight
Your legs began to shake.
“Just two more,” he said.
Nine
“One more.”
Ten
His hand didn’t leave your body with the last one. Instead, he ran his fingers down through your soaked folds. Your moans were bordering obscene.
“Tell me what you want.” He said, still playing with your pussy.
“Please.”
“You gotta ask nicely, Doll,” he mocked your earlier statement.
“Fuck me,” you said.
Eleven
This one was hard .
“Please, please fuck me, James,” you begged.
He grabbed your hands from the bed and held them behind your back. You didn’t know when, but his boxers had long been discarded. His other arm held your thighs together, kneeling behind you.
Without need for anymore lubrication with how much you were dripping after his beating, he watched as his cock was sheathed inside of you.
“You liked getting punished, didn’t you, doll?” He said, setting a brutal pace
“Yes,” you barely managed to get out, struggling to catch your breath.
“You’re dripping wet,” he said. “Making a mess of my cock.”
Each time he slammed into you, your ass stung from each time he’d spanked you, and you never wanted it to stop.
“Don’t stop,” you begged.
He stopped suddenly, hurried to the hilt inside of you.
“Please, I’m sorry, please,” you nearly sobbed.
He started again, slower but harder now.
“Who do you belong to?”
“You,” you answered.
“My name,” he said.
“James, I’m yours. All yours.”
“Mine,” he said finishing inside of you.
He slipped out of you and let down your hands. He wrapped his arms around you, not letting you fall to the bed. He helped you lay on your side and moved you closer to the center of the bed.
“Breathe, doll.” He ran a hand through your hair and smoothed the sweat from your brow. You smiled.
“Good?” He asked, kissing your shoulder.
“I -“ you said, catching your breath. You grasped at his chest. “I came. Just from you -“ you said referring to his beating.
“I know,” he said smirking.
“Holy shit.”
“Yeah. Holy shit,” he echoed.
“You -“ you started. “I -“
He chucked at your loss for words.
“How?” you asked, rolling to put your head on his chest and run your fingers through the sparse hairs there.
“How what?” He asked.
“I don’t even know,” you giggled.
He grabbed your chin and kissed you.
“You’re incredible,” he said.
“I’ve never trusted somebody like that,” you said in earnest.
“Nor have I.”
“Really?"
“Yeah, really,” he answered.
“Hm,” you said, settling into his chest again.
“I don’t tend to trust anyone. Just Steve, and now… you.”
“I haven’t trusted a man since …” you stopped yourself from the vulnerable truth you nearly let go. “In a long time,” you filled in.
He made note of that, knowing you’d tell him in time.
“Why don’t you trust easily?” you asked. “You don’t have to answer.”
“I can’t, we’ll, couldn’t. Trust got programmed out of me. Couldn’t even trust myself for a while.”
“I’m sorry,” you said.
“S’not your fault. I see a therapist to ‘fix’ it,” he admitted.
“So do I,” you answered. “I have for nearly 5 years. When I was younger, I got taken advantage of more times than I’d like to admit.”
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“It’s not -“
“- my fault” “-your fault” you both spoke at the same time.
“I’m still sorry,” he said. “You don’t deserve that.”
“Neither did you,” you said, kissing him.
He sighed.
“What is it?” you asked.
“It wasn’t just me that was hurt.”
“What do you mean?”
“When I was -“ he started, but moved to sit up slightly, not wanting to mix these memories with moments like this with you. “You know, the winter soldier … I murdered a lot of people. And I remember all of them.”
You stayed silent and waited for him to meet your eyes.
“Okay,” you said.
He looked at you expecting to see disgust but instead saw only care, dare say love .
“It bothers you?”
“Yes, of course it does,” you answered, needing to be honest knowing he hasn’t known many moments of honesty. “But I know that, even though it was you - it wasn’t your fault. I know you’ve likely heard that before..”
He was silent.
“Does it change how you see me knowing I was abused?”
“No,” he answered right away.
“Okay. It doesn’t change how I see you either. And I may not be as fucked up as you but this isn’t the trauma Olympics.”
He laughed, glad for your sense of humor.
You smiled and kissed him, this time putting your every emotion and feeling into it the way he did before.
He let out a sigh he’d been holding in as you kissed.
“I want this,” you said. “Us.”
He opened his mouth to reply but smirked instead, shifting his legs slightly.
“What’re you -“ you started to ask why he was smirking, but looked down where he was adjusting himself. He was rock hard. “Again? Already?”
“Sorry,” he said, reaching to cover you both with the sheets.
“No,” you stopped him. “How do you…”
“Get hard again so quickly?”
“Yeah,” you set the sheet down, and kept your eyes on it. No matter how many times you’d been face to face with it, it still was unbelievable. You couldn’t help but glide your hand up his leg and take hold of it. Your hand paled in comparison to its size.
“It’s um,” His breath faltered a moment as you began to smooth your hand up his shaft. “The serum, makes recovering a lot -“ he gasped again “- faster.”
“Hm,” you hummed, still watching the way he leaked with precum just from your gentle ministrations. You made eye contact before returning your gaze to your hand around his cock and spitting on it.
“Fucking Christ,” he said.
You moved your hand a bit faster, turning slightly around the tip, smoothing his precum down along the veins of his shaft. You smirked and leaned up to use your other hand to play with his balls. He swore again. You moved your hand faster, still, knowing he was close.
“Fuck, Doll - I’m -“ he leaned his head back against his headboard, still looking down at you.
You took him in your mouth, just slightly to move your tongue around his throbbing tip. You moaned at the feeling of his hot streams of cum on your tongue. It was incredible to make a man such as him, as strong and terrific as him, fall apart from just your touch. You licked him again, to be sure his mess was cleaned.
“Fuck,” he said. “Come here.”
He reached for your face but you pulled him down on top of you instead. In the midst of his kisses and soft words in your hair and on your neck, you giggled as a thought crossed your mind.
“What?” He asked without moving from the place he was kissing at your neck.
“So, the serum thing,” you began, unable to keep yourself from laughing just a bit. “We can just, fuck all day long?”
“In theory,” he ground his hips down against you and you gasped exaggeratedly. “Whaaat?” He asked. “It’s your fault.”
“Ohhhh that’s my fault?”
“Yes it is.”
“Mmmmm.. weren’t we going to eat?” you asked.
His eyebrows raised, and you widened your eyes at him.
“Now that,” he said. “Is a fantastic idea.” He moved quickly down your body and pushed your legs apart, setting to work on what he’d originally planned on having for breakfast.
You spent the rest of the day like this, eventually ordering food, showering, then ending up tangled in his sheets again. You dreaded to think what anyone passing the room or listening next door might think. He asked you to stay the night again, just this once. You left and put together a bag to keep at his apartment, and returned shortly thereafter. You could see this becoming commonplace, and honestly didn’t want to sleep in an empty bed again.