Chapter Text
It's been a while, and the FBI agents haven't broken down the door to our house or even shown up. As far as I know, a couple of space monkeys continued to "serve" Tyler even though the fight club was officially closed. I guess to them Tyler was like the leader of some cult, fight club, project Mayhem cult.
My throat has healed, Tyler's hair has grown back a bit. He also gave me some phone number, told me to call there and ask about Marla. I did. A woman answered and when I asked about Marla she called her to the phone. It turned out that she is in some women's sanctuary and that she likes it there. It's so good there, that she doesn't even take xanax anymore. We chatted for a while, she said it’s better than support groups and that she would stay there for a while.
During this time, we focused on soap making, without bomb production on the side. Pink, lavender, white, mint, yellow with the scent of roses, legends, vanilla and pine. All packed in paper with two angels. Sometimes I wonder where Tyler got this design from, but I never have the courage to ask.
Today, Tyler asked me if he wanted to do something fun and get out of the house. I said, sure, why not. Then I remembered what fun looks like to Tyler, and I got a little concerned.
Tyler is a night person, so I wasn't surprised that we didn't leave the house until 9 past morning. We went on the bus heading to the suburbs of the city. The bus driver nodded as we entered the vehicle. I asked Tyler where we were going but of course, he kept it a secret.
We reached our destination after about half an hour. It stood there, well known to me, Ikea. I stood at the bus stop, staring at this building and the bus we came here, went on. The large parking lot was almost empty. Tyler looked at the bus schedule then walked over to me.
„What, Ikea-boy?” he put his hand on my shoulder, looking at the building as well.
„We're not here to blow anything up, right?” I asked in an almost pleading tone.
„No” he quickly denied it. „I wanted to take you on a date, and I wanted to go somewhere you like. I couldn't come up with anything better” Tyler adds while looking at me.
„But you hate it” I'm trying very hard not to panic because he used the word "date".
„I don't hate Ikea, they're not as bad as Starbucks or Apple. I read that they bet on green energy and stuff. And it's not an American company. It's not perfect but it's not the worst” he replied, that was very Tyler thing to say.
I smiled awkwardly „I'm afraid it's closed, it’s too late”
He smirked on that „You’re wrong. It’s open, just for us”
After that, he grabbed my hand and walked towards a large blue-yellow building. All the way across the parking lot, I was telling Tyler I wasn't going to break into Ikea. He doesn't answer me, just leads me closer and closer to Ikea, but I notice that we weren’t going to the main entrance. We were approaching some small, unmarked entrance for employees only, in the size of an ordinary door. Some guy in security clothes was standing there, smoking a cigarette.
„Good evening, Mr. Durden” he greeted Tyler and nodded to me.
„Everything’s ready?” Tyler asked, when all three of us went inside, it was a security room
„Yes. A looped clip from the security cameras will be recorded on the tapes, the other security guys know not to disturb you, you have time until four-thirty. You can enter wherever you want” he said casually.
„Great, let’s go Jack” Tyler said throwing his jacket next to the door through which we entered.
Before following him, I threw my jacket in the same place.
We left the small security room near the main entrance to Ikea. After a moment, half of the lights that were lit during opening hours, turned on. So it wasn't completely bright there, some places were shrouded in shadows. Other than that, it was completely quiet except for the sound of the fluorescent lights. It was a little weird without all the people, who are here during opening hours. It was actually slightly unsettling.
„So where do you want to go?” Tyler asked me.
„We can go upstairs there are arranged rooms. On this floor you shop, upstairs you admire rooms like in a museum of modern art” I replied, looking at the escalators that now were still.
„I've been to Ikea before” he said, walking briskly up the stairs.
„But you haven't been to this Ikea, right?” I quickened my pace and approached him.
„Right, and?” he looked at me over his shoulder.
„Nothing, I just used to come here quite often, every few months at least. Now I don't even remember the last time I was here” I shrugged.
The first rooms presented upstairs were dining rooms. Bigger, smaller, but mostly smaller.
„I never understood why have a separate room or part of the house for a table and a couple of chairs” Tyler spoke up, running his finger across a table as if checking for dust.
„So that's why our table is in the kitchen” I noticed.
„Besides the fact that there's no point in walking across the house with food just to get to the table, I need it when I'm making soap”
„Very practical” I comment.
From there we went to the kitchens.
„I think our kitchen is much more interesting than these” I said while walking by one of the kitchen islands.
„Of course it is, it's unique, ours” he replied, something about the word "our" made me blush a little.
Because practically nothing is mine in the house on Paper Street. The house isn’t mine, the property isn’t mine, the furnitures isn’t mine. All I have is a few clothes and a toothbrush. Even still, Tyler and I share clothes. The property, the house, and most of the stuff in it is Tyler's. So when he talks about his stuff as ours just because I live there, I feel like I belong there, like it's my home, not just the place where I live. It feels good.
Next were the bathrooms.
„We're losing here” I spoke up, looking at an example of a pink-colored bathroom.
„What? You should be glad we have a bathroom like this and not an outhouse” he replied, peering into the cabinet behind the mirror.
„Our bathroom looks like you could catch twelve deadly diseases in there, all that's missing is used syringes on the floor” I wasn't lying, our bathroom was terrible and disgusting.
„You exaggerating” he closed the cabinet and looked at me sternly.
„You're the one who threw the condoms down the toilet and you didn't even flush them down” I said it deadly seriously.
„That was a long time ago, and you've been living with me for a short time then! I forgot that someone besides me uses this bathroom” Tyler replied like an embarrassed teenager. „You know what, I'll clean up tomorrow and you'll see for yourself that we don't need anything new” he added.
„You promise?” I followed him further.
„Sure” he sighed.
„I can help-“ I try to say but he doesn’t let me.
„No, I'll do it myself, I'll prove to you that I can” I can already see him on his knees in those yellow rubber gloves.
Wait.
I guess I shouldn't think about that.
We moved on to the living rooms section. Only now, looking at it, did it occur to me, that the rooms in our house were huge by Ikea standards. Tyler sat comfortably on one of the KARLSHAMN corner couches in front of a fake TV set to add realism to the room. He put his feet on the JUSSI coffee table.
„Imagine coming home just to yell at your wife, watch TV, drink beer, and complain about your kid not fulfilling your abandoned dreams. That's what this room conveys to me” he said, playing with the fake tv remote.
I sat down next to him. „Now that I think about it, I'm glad my father wasn't around when I was a teenager. If some guy who ruined his life every day had a problem with me, I think I'd go crazy” I sighed.
„Can you imagine starting a family just to hate it and everyday for the rest of your life?” he asked, still playing with the remote.
„No, I couldn't be the father. Like I couldn't be a husband. I can't take care of myself, let alone others. And about the kid, I don't think I want to help bring anyone into this world” I answered. „And you? Would you like to have your own family?”
It felt like a continuation of a conversation we used to have in our bathroom.
„I guess I can imagine being with someone and taking care of them, or at least try. But when it comes to a kid, it's not for me. I don't see myself as a father, and I have no idea what a father should be like. I guess, I don’t even know what a good parent should be like. And as you said, I don't want to bring anyone into this shitty world” he replied.
„So we'll both end up alone in our old age” I joked.
„Not so alone if we have each other” he smiled as he looked at me.
„I didn't think you were such a romantic” I nudged his knees with mine.
He takes the legs off the coffee table and puts them on the ground. Tyler leans over and gives me a kiss.
That's not the first time. It's happened a couple of times in the last few weeks while I've been recovering. Once when he was changing my bandage, once when we got home after they took my stitches out at the hospital. Once for good night and once for good morning. He surprises me every time, and every time I don't expect it until his lips are practically on mine. Not that I don't want it, I just don't understand and I'm afraid to ask what he sees in me? Why does he like me?
I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him back. I lie down on that fucking couch and pull him with me, never taking my lips off of his.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I love him.
I want him.
What is happening with me?
It's that nostalgic energy of Ikea furniture.
God, I'm about to cry.
I used to cry at least once a week, at least at one support group meeting. Now I have no idea when was the last time I cried. And right now my body and mind have decided that I’m going to cry, when I'm under Tyler.
Tears spilled from my eyes and I felt a pitiful sob in my throat so I stopped kissing Tyler. I'm so, so pathetic. He stops kissing me when he feels I have stopped. He hasn't even opened his eyes yet when I burst into tears.
„I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” I cried out.
He opened his eyes, looking terrified which is rather rare for him. He sits down, grabs my shoulders, and pulls me to a sitting position. I immediately drop my head in shame but he grabs my cheeks so the bottom of his palms touches my jaw and he lifts my head to look me in the eye. I'm trying to stop crying.
„Hey, what happened? Did I do something?” he asks worriedly, wiping my tears away with his thumbs.
„I’m so sorry. Im so sorry that I did it in front of your eyes, I didn't mean to hurt you” I cry even harder.
He frowns in confusion.
„It was stupid. I thought after you left me you didn't care about me anymore. I’m sorry” I sob violently.
Then he understands.
„Hey, it's not your fault. I was the asshole and I beat you up because you wouldn't let me blow up the building. You shouldn't apologize to me. Actually, I should be apologizing to you. What would I even do without you?” he tries to explain to me wiping my tears again and again.
Pretty much the only thing I can still say and my voice cracks „Please don’t leave me ever again”
His expression is so sad when he hears that. He wraps his arms around me and hugs me to his chest.
„I won't leave you, I promise” he whispers resting his head against the top of my head.
Somehow around midnight we got on the night bus, which meant that the bus came to this stop only three times throughout the entire night. We were literally the only people on the bus besides the driver. He didn't even turn on the vehicle's lights inside. Anyway, I feel like even if it was the middle of the day and it was full of people, Tyler would still be holding my hand. He's been holding it since we got up from the KARLSHAMN couch.
Now we were sitting in the last row of this bus, me by the window. I was clutching Tyler's hand and every now and then I rubbed my eyes that were swollen from my brakedown at Ikea. I rested the side of my head against his shoulder and he then rested side of his head against my head, making a small circles with my thumb on the skin of my palm. I knew he was trying to comfort me, and it worked. Never, not once in my life have I felt so loved and needed in a way. I didn't want to lose him and he didn't want to lose me. The very thought is comforting.
We returned home.
Even though we've mostly been sleeping together for the past few weeks (just sleeping), Tyler asks „My bedroom, or yours?”
„Your bedroom” I answer, his mattress is softer.
„Go, I'll put the spoons in the freezer” he replied casually.
„What?” I totally didn't understand what he meant.
„It helps with puffy eyes. After crying your eyes will be puffy in the morning” he says disappearing into the kitchen.
On the one hand, I think it's a bit goofy. On the other hand, it warms my heart. I smile a little to myself and go upstairs.